Page 12 | How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

Youagain2025 · 2025-03-14T09:12:11+00:00

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company. The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year . He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 21:21

Missj25 · 15/03/2025 20:47

Well I’m going to do a 360 here OP
I apologise for giving my opinion & “advice “ when clearly , I really don’t have a clue what it is like to have kids with special needs , trying to juggle it all , day to day must be so hard alone …
Your daughter , that you are leaving your son with is an adult ( I should pay better attention to what’s being said ) ..
Obviously you deserve a holiday with your younger children , you deserve time alone , I’m kind of thinking you never get that though ..
Yes , you can explain to your son , you are going with your eldest girl on holiday with the younger kids , that you are not excluding him but this is time away with them as they are of similar age ..
like you have said he is going on holidays himself ..🤷🏻‍♀️…
Apologies again for writing unhelpful comments..
I really do hope ye have a lovely time
xx

It's OK not to worry. I don't know if I will go anyway. It all feels a bit much.

OP posts:

Missj25 · 15/03/2025 21:35

Ah OP , do go ..
God knows when you will have the opportunity again ….
It’s always nice to get away ..

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 21:41

Missj25 · 15/03/2025 21:35

Ah OP , do go ..
God knows when you will have the opportunity again ….
It’s always nice to get away ..

I'm still thinking. My daughter is going to help me send of for passports on Monday. I need mine for ID anyway. Then I still have time to think. And it might feel easier once I actually have them.

OP posts:

Missj25 · 15/03/2025 21:53

Get those passports, once they come , you’ll start to feel excited 😊…
You can look up with your kids where ye are going & everyone will be excited
Stop overthinking & Enjoy 😊
It will be great OP !!! X

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/03/2025 22:07

Don't make your life small OP.

He is an adult. He's going away twice.

Go on holiday with your other kids and don't feel guilty about it. Your life isn't his to dictate.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 23:03

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/03/2025 22:07

Don't make your life small OP.

He is an adult. He's going away twice.

Go on holiday with your other kids and don't feel guilty about it. Your life isn't his to dictate.

Thank you. Hopefully we will . Im still looking so see what we can find.

OP posts:

GabriellaFaith · 15/03/2025 23:25

Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 20:40

He's 18 in 2 weeks ... i don't even know why I'm replying

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I think that makes it a lot 'better' and more reasoned. I don't personally agree with it, but if they are working and over 18 I don't believe it would be unusual to explain now they are grown up this is kids time.

PorridgeEater · 15/03/2025 23:54

Much though you may want a break, is it really worth the damage this may do to your relationship with the son who is not invited? Which could carry on long after the holiday is over?
I know what it is like to have a child with special needs and not have a holiday for years. In the end they will grow up and you may well have more chances to go on holiday.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 00:07

PorridgeEater · 15/03/2025 23:54

Much though you may want a break, is it really worth the damage this may do to your relationship with the son who is not invited? Which could carry on long after the holiday is over?
I know what it is like to have a child with special needs and not have a holiday for years. In the end they will grow up and you may well have more chances to go on holiday.

Your making an assumption that it will damage our relationship . That's not the case . And why should me and the other kids not get a break after all we have been through. But also watch ds go on 3 holidays whilst me and the other kids can't. Because its aporently not fair to leave ds even though he's been on holiday. Where's the fairness for the other kids.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 16/03/2025 00:09

It seems like you'd already made your mind up underneath it all from the start to be honest, to say about him going on more than one holiday and the others haven't been on any.
So just say that

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 00:25

purpleme12 · 16/03/2025 00:09

It seems like you'd already made your mind up underneath it all from the start to be honest, to say about him going on more than one holiday and the others haven't been on any.
So just say that

I said at the start I'm not 100% sure if i will end up going. That's still the case now .there's other things to think about to much as the cost etc

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 16/03/2025 00:27

Ok
I know
But my point still stands

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 16/03/2025 07:57

I think under the circumstances it will be your 17 year old DS that will need more caring for than your three younger children. You should be able to manage them just fine and it will still be a nice break.

I think you have an argument to take the three younger ones away on your own and have both adult DS and adult DD staying at your house to mind the 17 yo and the dog. If his behaviour is sufficiently challenging that he usually needs a carer (you) then I think it's not wise or fair to leave him alone with just your DD, especially not if she's hoping to have mates round for BBQs and drinks. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and possibly a bit irresponsible on your part. How old is adult DD?

I think both your adult children should stay with him at your house and you should take the younger three alone. It's easier to justify not including him when you don't have your older son there either.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 08:25

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 16/03/2025 07:57

I think under the circumstances it will be your 17 year old DS that will need more caring for than your three younger children. You should be able to manage them just fine and it will still be a nice break.

I think you have an argument to take the three younger ones away on your own and have both adult DS and adult DD staying at your house to mind the 17 yo and the dog. If his behaviour is sufficiently challenging that he usually needs a carer (you) then I think it's not wise or fair to leave him alone with just your DD, especially not if she's hoping to have mates round for BBQs and drinks. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and possibly a bit irresponsible on your part. How old is adult DD?

I think both your adult children should stay with him at your house and you should take the younger three alone. It's easier to justify not including him when you don't have your older son there either.

I know your trying to help but you have completely miss understand how things are it isnt as you think it is..

OP posts:

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 09:43

Is thomas cook a good place to look at holidays? I know they have been about for many years

OP posts:

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 16/03/2025 09:45

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 08:25

I know your trying to help but you have completely miss understand how things are it isnt as you think it is..

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How is it then? What have I misunderstood?

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 09:49

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 16/03/2025 09:45

How is it then? What have I misunderstood?

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It's hard to explain. But he is OK with adult dd. Adult ds would not stay with them not a hope in hell.

OP posts:

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 16/03/2025 10:16

Yeah you will completely destroy your relationship. Either you just go with the little kids without your other older son- that's explainable, or you go by yourself no kids, don't go at all, or you invited them all.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 10:32

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 16/03/2025 10:16

Yeah you will completely destroy your relationship. Either you just go with the little kids without your other older son- that's explainable, or you go by yourself no kids, don't go at all, or you invited them all.

You are making assumptions. It will not ruin our relationship at all.

I have already explained the reaso s whi adult ds would come.

I have also explained the ds has already been on holiday. Is going again shorty and again next year .. why should it be fine for him to go on holiday several times. Which is fine. But when it comes to me and my other kids wanting a holiday that's not ok . Where does thinking about the needs of my other kids come into it. What about my 14 year old shes Been through hell and still effected by it maybe somthing is needed for her to . But no her needs dont matter as long as we make sure ds is OK regardless of how msny holidays he's been on and effects on my other kids .

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 16/03/2025 10:59

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 10:32

You are making assumptions. It will not ruin our relationship at all.

I have already explained the reaso s whi adult ds would come.

I have also explained the ds has already been on holiday. Is going again shorty and again next year .. why should it be fine for him to go on holiday several times. Which is fine. But when it comes to me and my other kids wanting a holiday that's not ok . Where does thinking about the needs of my other kids come into it. What about my 14 year old shes Been through hell and still effected by it maybe somthing is needed for her to . But no her needs dont matter as long as we make sure ds is OK regardless of how msny holidays he's been on and effects on my other kids .

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My god you sound bitter. It really does sound like you’re blaming your son for all of this when the reality is that you are in an incredibly demanding family situation but that’s not his fault.

People here are explaining that however much you make this argument your DS won’t understand it. He will see his other siblings going on a holiday which he wants to go on WITH YOU. This is made even worse by the fact that you’re not just taking the little ones, you’re taking his older brother as well. Plus it seems very obvious that the relationship between the two of you is incredibly strained already.

Yes you know him better than us, but if you’re so sure why start this thread? If you’re confident you can explain this in a way which won’t leave him feeling rejected then go ahead. But personally I wouldn’t rush it, I’d either go when he is away and get the dog looked after by someone else, not take the older child and do something super easy in the uk with the other younger kids or wait a few years and do some nice days out this year.

KateMiskin · 16/03/2025 11:02

OP clearly exhausted. I am a carer too and have been exhausted too. I only have 2 DC so could take both everywhere
In her circunstances leaving the DS behind appears to be the only sensible option.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 11:04

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 10:04

If his additional needs require you to be his (presumably) paid carer then how can he be left at home alone and look after the house and dog?

He'd be with another sibling

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 11:07

Heronwatcher · 16/03/2025 10:59

My god you sound bitter. It really does sound like you’re blaming your son for all of this when the reality is that you are in an incredibly demanding family situation but that’s not his fault.

People here are explaining that however much you make this argument your DS won’t understand it. He will see his other siblings going on a holiday which he wants to go on WITH YOU. This is made even worse by the fact that you’re not just taking the little ones, you’re taking his older brother as well. Plus it seems very obvious that the relationship between the two of you is incredibly strained already.

Yes you know him better than us, but if you’re so sure why start this thread? If you’re confident you can explain this in a way which won’t leave him feeling rejected then go ahead. But personally I wouldn’t rush it, I’d either go when he is away and get the dog looked after by someone else, not take the older child and do something super easy in the uk with the other younger kids or wait a few years and do some nice days out this year.

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Ignore the needs of the other kids again. Especially dd14 . I will tell him he can come then . And tell dd she will just have to suck it up . Her needs don't matter

OP posts:

Nchanged89 · 16/03/2025 11:17

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 11:07

Ignore the needs of the other kids again. Especially dd14 . I will tell him he can come then . And tell dd she will just have to suck it up . Her needs don't matter

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Well tell your DS he can't come then?
You've been offered advice, but no one can sort this out for you.

Heronwatcher · 16/03/2025 11:19

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 11:07

Ignore the needs of the other kids again. Especially dd14 . I will tell him he can come then . And tell dd she will just have to suck it up . Her needs don't matter

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Or you could just put the dog in kennels and go when he’s away?

You can’t play your kids off like this. You have to do what’s best for the family as a whole. Having a mother and brother who are estranged/ at each other’s throats won’t be good for your 14 yr old either. Sounds like she just needs some quiet time without more divisive decisions causing WW3.

My daughter has a friend at school where her older brother has moved out because he and his mum have fallen out at it’s devastated the friend, she has her brother on the phone crying daily. To me it’s very clear that the mum has written the difficult older child off and is now focussing on the younger, easier, more rewarding kids. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing but that’s what it’s going to look like to your 17 yr old, especially when you’re already not getting on.