Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice

[CheekyNameChange123]

Long story short DH has been offered a job abroad. Salary is 3 x what he earns here (take home as new salary is tax free). I have worked hard and have a good job here but have reached the top of my earning potential (approx £50k WTE but I work PT) whereas this new job for DH is starting £150k with a view to earning double that in 10 years.

We have decided to go for it- I will be a SAHP for a few years (we have 2 primary age kids) and then try and find some work as they get older but we can manage fine on DH salary. I know anything can happen but so far we have a great relationship, have been together 10 years and I have savings in my own name if things did go mad. Im also v employable if we ever moved back (healthcare!) so I wouldnt worry about that.

Do I just get on with it? They understand why we are going but also seem really upset that I wont be working, are obviously sad we will be living far away and overall just dont seem happy for us which is different to how I thought they would react.

@CheekyNameChange123 this is important. Check the numbers. Do your due diligence.

At the time we moved abroad my employer did provide a lot of support (settling in payment, school fees, removal cost). By the time we moved back a lot of this had been reined in for new expats making the whole thing less attractive for people with families.

I'm glad we did it but if I were to have my time again there are things I would do differently.

I assume you've sat down and worked out all the costs? While £150,000 is an excellent salary, do you need to pay for healthcare and education? How much are the bills?
In some countries a good salary doesn't go far. We found this with Switzerland.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I would be very wary. If you move abroad, and then split up (you never know) - and the Hague convention doesn't apply in the UAE - you will likely not be allowed to move back to the UK and take your kids back with you without their father's consent. Read up on it; this is very risky.

On top of that as mentioned by PP it's Abu Dhabi - do you really want to get your children used to that culture, especially if they're girls? Plus check how far your DH's salary will actually go there, you also have to take school fees etc into account.

Nice

It hasn't changed because it wasn't true 10 years ago. No idea where your friend got their information from. I know multiple non-Arabic speakers who were working as nurses in Al Ain 10 years ago.

I don't disagree with your points about male privilege and it exists but please check your facts:

The husband can veto the wife travelling abroad and it's not illegal for him to withhold her passport, women can't do the same. Not true. I sponsor my husband and I can block him from travelling abroad. He can't stop me. I actually don't know about the passport but I doubt it's legal for either of us to hold the other's passport against their will - UK passports belong to the UK government.

Women needs approval from their guardian (father/husband) to accept a job. Not true. Again this is required from the visa sponsor. My husband requires my permission.

Unless you have a will male children will inherit the majority of your assets over female children. Not true for non-Muslims.

Domestic violence is legal and women are obligated to obey their husband. Not true. I think you've missed the 2019/2020 law changes.

Men can divorce their wives immediately and without a reason whereas women have to get their application signed off by a judge who may not allow the divorce. Not true for non-Muslims. I don't know the latest provisions for Muslims but it's not the case that men can divorce their wives 'immediately' as a start.

Don't allow yourself to get deskilled - you never know what's around the corner. Make sure that if anything happened to your DH, death or divorce, you could pick up your career again, or something adjacent.

I did an MSc when I was in a similar position, then a PhD. Both part time. It made re-entry into the workforce FT post divorce much easier.

I personally think you would benefit from working at least part of the week. I am now retired but still meet up weekly with four former colleagues. Also you will have some money of your own.

Well, you said you went alone??

but anyway, you went for work, which is not the same as going as a trailing spouse. And if you didn't have a partner at the time there was no risk of them keeping your children there if you wanted to come back it's simply not the same situation at all.

Yes, other people are saying they wouldn't go at all which makes no sense either because that's not the problem risk With being separated from your children if you want to come back and he doesn't or being stuck in the country to stay with your children because he won't let them come back here.

OP I don't think it's a bad idea to go, but I think you need to be realistic on a few points:

(1) You won't be able to pick up bank work (assuming you're a nurse). You can work as a nurse (and you don't need Arabic) but your options for part time work will be limited. 48 hours a week, and 6 day weeks are pretty standard. How employable you are will depend on your experience/qualifications.
(2) The money sounds great but (assuming that it's all in i.e. no schooling etc on top) it isn't as great as maybe you're thinking. You most definitely can live a good life on that much money and you can save well too, but unless you watch spending you will quickly find you aren't saving and so do be careful. It's not business class to the Maldives without a second thought money!
(3) I would strongly consider staying in the UK until your husband has completed promotion at his new job. It minimizes the risk if it all doesn't work out (you haven't lost school places etc) - whether that's from the employer's side, or your husband's side. Jobs often aren't all what they seem unfortunately.
(4) Be aware that the UAE is a long hours work culture. This is one of the things people are often most shocked by when they come out here. It obviously depends on what your husband does, but you will probably find his working hours are much longer than in the UK.

Others have made sensible points about making sure you're financially secure and I can see you're on that already.

I appreciate that, however, having a full sense of security over what a man might do in the future is more harm than good. There is no point in assuming or pretending he will feel the same after having been there awhile. The nicest and most reasonable men can change and in my opinion, which yes is only my opinion, I would never put myself at risk of a man being able to dictate that my children live in a different country, even more so a country where I wouldn't be entitled to work and raise them myself. No matter how wonderful and loving he is now it's just too great a risk in my opinion. I've just heard it and seen it too many times where the woman get stuck overseas, especially in a country where she can't earn and has to stay there if her children are being kept there by the father.

Thanks all and @travelwaffle thank you for those points thats really helpful. Completely appreciate that its not mega bucks and we will still live a regular life- that is fine with us! :) We would have summer in the UK with family but otherwise live a very normal family life!

Agree about work- I think I will retrain or go down a different route. Ive done lots of research on nursing out there, registering with DHA etc and financially its not great and for the family I would rather be around more especially at the start.

One thing you could consider medium term is school nurse/ matron in an international school. Would be term time and you might get a fee discount for your own children.

It's not DHA for Abu Dhabi (that's the Dubai Health Authority) so do make sure you are checking Abu Dhabi specific sources.

And on retraining, UAE is not a good employment environment for career changers. It's not impossible but the issue is there is usually so many options for employers to hire experienced staff that most won't take a risk on someone new.

School nurse is an option. Doesn't pay much (and I don't think would normally give school places) but it would be school hours and term time working.

And there are part time opportunities in nursing, it's just everyone wants them! It really depends what you do.

Sorry OP haven’t RTFT as there’s so much negativity. We turned down a similar opportunity because kids were settled in a nice primary, I would have to resign, similar reasons cited to you. For various reasons we really regret not doing it as our kids are too old to leave now and various other reasons keep us here now. You can always come back. The people who did make the move out there at a similar time had an amazing time — all benefited financially and from widening horizons and travel. Some returned and some loved it so much they stayed. I really regret not doing when we could have. Good luck.

I’d be upset if I were your parents. I’ve know several families go and no one’s ever come back! Not necessarily staying in Dubai etc but moving further away Singapore and Australia. It appears hard to come back to lower salaries and Britain.

OP, what are your children like? Are they sociable and adaptable whatever the situation? I’m asking because I know a family who moved to a different country and their children didn’t settle. The younger child hated the heat in the new country and didn’t like their new school. They became very unhappy, depressed and withdrawn. The older child had SEN and was happy in the new location but their school couldn’t cope. The family had moved back within a year and the older child is now in a special school here.

Go, I love Abu

Good advice
keep working don’t lose your registration

@Smokesandeats good point- both kids are pretty confident, NT as far as we can tell. They are settled at the moment but I feel they would adapt relatively well if we found the right environment. They are obviously our priority when we first move getting them settled and making sure they are happy.

You seem fixated on the extra money rather than the lifestyle.
I too would be concerned at you going to and authoritarian, misogynistic state with your children.
I’d be disappointed in your values and worried about the risk you’re taking. Saying that, it’s your life but you can’t expect your parents to give fake approval.

I just wanted to say that countries like Abu Dhabi are full of trailing spouses and finding a job may be very difficult for you.

Your husband also has to ask just what he’d be expected to pay for out of his salary. Does it include rent and school fees or is that an additional payment on top of the salary?

Abu Dhabi is a nice place to live.

There are woman climbing over each other to get these jobs.