Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice

[CheekyNameChange123]

Long story short DH has been offered a job abroad. Salary is 3 x what he earns here (take home as new salary is tax free). I have worked hard and have a good job here but have reached the top of my earning potential (approx £50k WTE but I work PT) whereas this new job for DH is starting £150k with a view to earning double that in 10 years.

We have decided to go for it- I will be a SAHP for a few years (we have 2 primary age kids) and then try and find some work as they get older but we can manage fine on DH salary. I know anything can happen but so far we have a great relationship, have been together 10 years and I have savings in my own name if things did go mad. Im also v employable if we ever moved back (healthcare!) so I wouldnt worry about that.

Do I just get on with it? They understand why we are going but also seem really upset that I wont be working, are obviously sad we will be living far away and overall just dont seem happy for us which is different to how I thought they would react.

We did it both Abu Dhabi and Dubai and it was great highly recommend it. You will alway regret it if you don’t.

Our parents were also disappointed and despite the many reason they might give the main one is simply knowing they won’t be seeing you and the grandkids as often.

We moved back to the UK several years
ago and one reason was to be closer to our parents. The irony is that where we ultimately moved to in the Uk vs where they are located we actually see them less now than when we were abroad and would make the effort to come over and see them multiple times a year!

You need to do what is best for your family OP. Your parents will come round to the idea, but it will take time. We relocated within the UK, my lovely late MIL was upset about it, there were a lot of extenuating circumstances surrounding our move, and we knew it was the right move for our family. We took the opportunity and we are glad we did. My advice would be not to talk about the move for a while, they know you are going, let them think about it. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Assuming parents are fit enough to travel they can visit. You will come home to visit etc.

Seems fine to me.

I totally understand why you’re doing this and you should definitely go ahead if it’s what you want.

However, i also totally understand why your parents are upset. Would you prefer they pretended otherwise?

It’s important that they express their thoughts and reservations.

They just don't want you to go. I bet they wouldn't mind you not working for a few years to give your DC the best start being a great SAHM, if you were living nearby with your DH having this fantastic new job. In that case they would be looking forward to spending lots of time with you and the GC.

We’ve done it recently with two kids and it has been hands down the best decision. Don’t overthink it! And don’t seek validation from elsewhere. Go for it, grab every opportunity! You can always move back in the future - the best opportunities for your children are abroad right now given the situation in the U.K. The ability to be a SAHM is in the best interests of the family whilst you transition. You said yourself that you’re highly employable even with a career gap, so it’s a win win sitcho! Good luck and enjoy!

Some examples of male privilege that still exists there are:

The husband can veto the wife travelling abroad and it's not illegal for him to withhold her passport, women can't do the same.

Women needs approval from their guardian (father/husband) to accept a job.

Unless you have a will male children will inherit the majority of your assets over female children.

Domestic violence is legal and women are obligated to obey their husband.

Women who have been raped risk being sentenced to prison.

Men can divorce their wives immediately and without a reason whereas women have to get their application signed off by a judge who may not allow the divorce.

There are plenty of other examples of how skewed the country is towards male rights, but those are a few. They have come a long way in the last decade or so and they are not as bad as some other middle eastern countries but to say there is no male privilege other than what we are used to in the Western world isn't quite right either.

I honestly don’t understand how you coild risk being torn away from your DC.

Think very carefully about the story above where the wife came back here and the husband dumped her so she couldn’t return - and the children opted to stay because their own lives were there.

it would kill me.

Men have personality transplants all the time. There’s ten stories on here every day.

The issue is that what’s ’right for the family’ in this case simply means ‘the man earns more money’. The OP’s life is objectively becoming worse in several ways, and her position considerable more powerless.

@AlmostAJillSandwich makes a very good point about the lessons in misogyny yours sons and daughters will
inevitably absorb.

I used to live there. Have you? I quite agree that moving there is an appalling idea for a slew of reasons, but my chief concerns would be more to do with the OP becoming economically disempowered as a trailing spouse in a country which is a Western-veneered dictatorship.

Those posters saying they would never move there as a woman. I went to kuwait aline for work, found everyone to be highly respectable, friendly and warm. It is true women and men do not mingle freely, but at work it is normal and they respect the fact that other cultures see things differently. In kuwait for example 70 percent of the population is expat so the majority of people arent even kuwaiti. Mostly indian, phillipino and egyption.

• Expatriate Population: Approximately 88% of the population in Abu Dhabi are expatriates.
• Emirati Population: Emiratis, or UAE nationals, make up around 12% of the total population.
• UAE as a whole: The UAE as a whole is known for having a high percentage of expatriates, with them representing about 88% of the total population.

I suspect your parents aren’t going on at you through selfishness or a wish to control but because you are not taking seriously what that regime is like and what it would mean to live there. At least go out there and do some proper research before agreeing to uproot yourself and your children.

^^all of that & all the things others have said about no matter how good your relationship is now, you never know what's to come and over there you would be completely stuck unable to earn unable to return to the UK with your children basically just fucked. I understand that you love and trust your husband right now, but most of divorced women did. No matter what he says now about of course you could return to the UK with the children if you wanted to that's before he gets into the way of thinking over there which does happen would you really want to risk putting yourself in the position where you could be stuck in a country you can't earn and you can't return to the UK with your children.???

You went there for work as a single woman

Which is nothing like going as a trailing spouse with children.

My husband had the opportunity of a job abroad whilst my children were young...I shut it down immediately saying it would upset the family blah blah...HUGE MISTAKE.....go for it and enjoy, think of your family and what's best for you. Good luck x

I lived in the UAE (not Abu Dhabi or Dubai, but visited both regularly) for 3 years. It was truly a fantastic experience for me, and one I look back on with incredibly positive memories. I will caveat this by saying I was a single woman at the time, so no husband and no kids, so I can’t comment on all the other very important points other posters are making regarding your pension and being able to take the kids home if things went wrong. But from a lifestyle/experience point of you, my personal experience was a great one. I made friends for life (one was a bridesmaid at my wedding years after we both left the UAE), it was fantastic for my career (allowed me to add a number of things to my CV which has opened doors to me since returning to the UK that wouldn’t have been opened otherwise) and really helped me grow as a person too (I was very much a ‘homebody’ before I did it, didn’t even move out for Uni, lived at home with my parents while at Uni). I also felt completely safe while out there, and still enjoyed a really good social life. Before I went, my only understanding of the UAE and other ME countries was what we see in our media, most of which is negative, and I was definitely nervous about the move (as were my parents!). However, and of course I can only share my own personal experience here, but I was never treated with anything but respect, and everyone was very friendly (including the locals).

I appreciate your situation is very different with children involved and with your plan to be a SAHM for at least a little while, and as other posters have said, it’s so important to consider the implications of these things and put plans in place for them, but my advice would be to at least try it, with a plan to leave after a certain amount of time if any of you are uncomfortable/not enjoying it.

Just because you regret it doesn't make it a good idea for other people to do it.

If it was a different place, I might agree depending on where it is but somewhere that you will be a training spouse with no rights to return to the UK with your children makes it far too bigger risk in my eyes.

Having lived in AD, it was great and I’d go for it too.

Ive also been a SAHM and didn’t like it, so just went back to work. No drama, and yes I did pick up where I left off (if anything I jumped a level and took a bigger job)

Life is short, opportunities rare, you are in a strong relationship and are fed up with the UK (really with you here), absolutely go for it. Well done to you and your DH

They are probably just sad about you and their grandchildren living so far away. Do they travel well? Retired? Will they be able to visit you easily?

Your parents have no say on this and should be able to express their concerns without sulking. I can understand why they’d be upset about your choice of country (you’re mad for wanting to bring up children in such an oppressive and misogynistic society) but it doesn’t sound like that’s their issue. So they’re being unfair here.

I'm glad you really enjoyed and grew while you were there.

The thing is, it doesn't matter what they agree now to give it a year or two and reassess and maybe come back once she is there with the children that's it. She has no right to bring the children back here if she wants to she's stuck until her children are old enough to come back in their own right that their entire childhood she would have to stay there if if he didn't want her to bring them back it's okay saying he wouldn't stop her. That's him now not him once he's been there awhile and if he loves being there doesn't want to come back. He has all the rights as soon as they get there she has none. There's no way I risk that with my children.. people change life changes you just don't know how he will be once he's there

Oh my, @CheekyNameChange123 , so many pessimistic, misinformed, uneducated and some downright wrong information on this thread it's hard to know where to start! So I won't. Others have and will pick up on the utter rubbish about the UAE being spouted on here.

Any decision to move (within the country or overseas) is taking a risk. But that's the joys of life isn't it? Taking the plunge and throwing yourself open to new experiences. For some, that's taking a train ride on their own, to others it's taking the whole family to another part of the world.

As long as you do the homework on the country you are going to, make sure you have a back-up plan and go with an open mind, then you've got it sorted. It might all go wrong, that's life. On the other hand, you will most probably have the time of your life, make amazing friends and experience living in another part of the world.

Expat life is not for everyone, but I say go for it. I left the UK for Dubai before the internet was really a thing. I didnt have a clue about the country. Over time, I got married and had a baby there and had an amazing time, the UAE has so much to offer if you bother to get involved. I have so many friends I'm still in contact from so many different countries. I've then moved countries 5 different times as a trailing spouse. With absolutely no problems. I have collected so many fabulous friends from all over the world and seen so many interesting places (and some downright awful places too!). I consider myself extremely privileged to have been so lucky. Yes, things might go wrong, again, that's life, but they are more likely to go very, very, right! Good luck with your decision.

If you didn’t do it you’ll both always wonder what could have been. I think people here are being quoted negative. You’re grown adults, if you hate it you can come back. Your parents are entitled to be upset or disappointed but they should also be supportive and shouldn’t be putting their feelings on you.

OP, he is going to earn a good salary.
It should be possible for him to pay you a savings amount, separate from the joint account.

Pension/national stamp, can that be paid on your behalf?

Would you look at upskilling while there.
You should be able to source childcare to help with this.

Yours is a big sacrifice and it needs acknowledging financially in your sole account.