Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice

[CheekyNameChange123]

Long story short DH has been offered a job abroad. Salary is 3 x what he earns here (take home as new salary is tax free). I have worked hard and have a good job here but have reached the top of my earning potential (approx £50k WTE but I work PT) whereas this new job for DH is starting £150k with a view to earning double that in 10 years.

We have decided to go for it- I will be a SAHP for a few years (we have 2 primary age kids) and then try and find some work as they get older but we can manage fine on DH salary. I know anything can happen but so far we have a great relationship, have been together 10 years and I have savings in my own name if things did go mad. Im also v employable if we ever moved back (healthcare!) so I wouldnt worry about that.

Do I just get on with it? They understand why we are going but also seem really upset that I wont be working, are obviously sad we will be living far away and overall just dont seem happy for us which is different to how I thought they would react.

Yes have been a stay at home mum abroad... it's the best!
New culture to discover and new mums to meet. Whilst enjoying DHs generous salary🎉🎉

Go for it. Life is about experiencing new things and not getting stuck in a rut.

You need to ensure your pension is paid into by your dh's salary.

I would take a year out of work to find your feet abroad and then looking for a job in your new home.

You will find your way. And this opportunity sounds great. You will find work if you want it. Even if it's remote and part time.

Sounds like you've thought it through. As long as you have a good relationship with your dh then do it. Explore the world and your dcs will enjoy a different way of life for a few years.

Alot of catastrophising here. My family were posted overseas 3 times before i as 11 and i loved it . My family loved it too . We made so many special friends and had incredible experiences. When we had the opportunity to go to the far east when the kids were little we jumped at the chance and had an amazing time. Definitely do it if your gut says yes. Your parents shouldn’t be trying to influence you. All my overseas friends who wanted to have since found work on returning. It really isnt that hard.

Just go for it OP. You ve obviously thought it all through and you ll sort the rest out when you are there. Enjoy the adventure.

Your post is all about him and his own potential his big job how well he’s doing and little about how you feel you’ve reached your earning potential. Risky to give up work, give up autonomy and financial independence to follow around after a man and go overseas for him. Sure you’ll have plenty of money Good and excellent lifestyle, but essentially you’ll a housewife with no career in a beautiful abode. Is that the role model that you really want to set for your kids? Go to uni work for a bit and then give it all up when you settle with a a man who earn a lot of money

It’s risky. It leaves him as the wage earner and you’re completely financially dependent upon him eg where you live ,choices you make because he will be the person earning the money and you’ll be expected to pick up all the childcare. You wouldn’t have a job,and you lose your work contacts. It will be falling off a career cliff

Of course your parents are probably disappointed? I don’t think most parents would anticipate that their daughter does well, studies , and gives it all up when she meets prosperous man

Our expat time was driven by my job. I got presented with an opportunity and took it. We were quite naive on the way out and believed that promises made about future opportunities would be kept. They weren't. We weren't badly let down but there wasn't really a job to come back to which would use the experience gained.

I feel less connected, our life experiences are different from other people's. When we moved back we didn't just slot back in to our old lives. We had been gone for 5 years. People move on.

The above sounds negative. But on the whole the experience was very positive. We were in a European country and opted to send DCs to the local school rather than an international one. DCs quickly picked up the language and integrated very well.

Moving abroad challenges everything you know about being a grown up. From how you pay bills to how you access healthcare. If you embrace the challenge you can have a great time. Some people find it too much.

I’ve done 4 times. 3 x with kids, albeit the first time they were all babies. In my experience the first year is difficult. Whatever you do don’t make a knee jerk decision and move back. Things will settle. And when I say difficult I mean any or all of you might regret it. Some may settle right in right away. some might not. Give it at least a year. None of us have ever regretted our moves. Some of us had a difficult first year, but it got better. There are always going to be pros and cons to moving. No place is ever perfect. Money does matter. It’s not the be all and end all but it does matter. My husband has always paid into my pension pot whenever I’ve not been earning.

Primary school is a good age to do it.

Oh, and with the exception of one place, we ended up staying longer than we first planned. You may end up completing your kids’ schooling abroad. In which case, do keep abreast of any policy re university home fees vs international fees.

I absolutely appreciate that, which is why I made it very clear in my post to caveat that when I did it, I was as single with no kids, so I didn’t have the same worries/considerations that the OP has, and very much needs to consider carefully before making a decision.

The advice I gave was simply based on the fact that, reading all of the OP’s replies in this thread, she seems pretty set on going, so if she does make the decision to go, she needs to at least have a plan in place for if things go wrong. Will the husband have to stick to that plan? No. So in a lot of ways it’s pointless, but if she’s set on going, they should at least make an attempt as a family to put something in place, and hopefully the husband will honour that.

No, I went for work as a mother with two children. I was responding to the posters saying they would never go there at all

I also note that your health trained and I’m just wondering how you will manage revalidation and demonstrating a CPD portfolio for you to work again? after an absence? You know that you need to maintain your portfolio of evidence that you work is of a good standard and contemporary practice and get sign off by senior colleagues

Regarding work if you do not maintain CPD , get signed off by a senior colleague and evidence that you work to a competent standard then you’ll lose your license

I advise do work over there

No way would I move to foreign country with no means to support myself independently from my husband.

Also, do you want your kids to grow up somewhere that has very different views on human, women and LGBTQ+ rights?

If your marriage was to break down you would be in a very vulnerable situation.

Wow what a nasty response. Maybe they’re sad and scared of losing contact with grandchildren.

I would never move my children to an extremely hot country where women are second class citizens.

These places are built off slavery. Have you looked at migrant workers rights? They get paid a pittance and our trapped once they arrive. Don’t endorse it OP.

I'm not surprised they are worried - you're leaving for a third-world country (in terms of rights and respect for women), going to be completely dependent on your husband - major alarm bells ringing for me, and I don't even know you.

hi @CheekyNameChange123
Apologies I haven’t read the whole thread.
But wanted to say that my parents moved overseas to work when I was young. We stayed for two years. I still remember it as an amazing experience. Also when we returned, they’d saved a lot of money and that got them on to the housing ladder and then we never looked back.
Lots of people move abroad , it can be exciting, as long as you have a good relationship and a family exit plan if you’re unhappy.

I say go for it.

The economic upside could be really beneficial in the future for your family too.
Good luck with your decision x

I am also curious what the locals think about all these expats who go thinking how wonderful it all is

I haven't lived there, just visited a few of times and have friends and ex-colleagues who have lived there. It's a very safe place to visit, particularly as a woman compared to a lot of the Western world, but that is only as long as nothing goes wrong. Weather is good in the colder months too. It won't be the culturally enriching experience that most people expect and want when moving abroad though as you'll live in a bubble with other expats.

I have also pointed out the economical risks for OP in earlier posts. They are a huge part of why this is a bad idea for OP and her children, but not so much for her husband of course.

I’m afraid you were naive to expect your parents to be pleased. Perhaps some parents would genuinely just be happy for their "children" in this situation, but I think most would be very upset, both at their child's possible loss of career and, particularly, at the loss of easy contact with her and their grandchildren. They are probably worried that you will never want to return.

I know a number of families where a "child" has moved abroad for family work reasons. All the parents were deeply upset, though some hid their feelings better than others.

That's not to say you shouldn’t do it, of course; it's your life. A lot depends on other factors. Do you have siblings? Do you have much contact with your parents at the moment? If they developed health problems and needed help, are there other family members who would support them? Is it important for you that your children develop strong relationships with their grandparents?

And all that is before any consideration of the country you are moving to. No way would I willingly live in a country where women are such obvious second-class citizens and human rights are not respected for all, let alone choose to bring up my children in a society with those values. Money is nice but as long as you have enough it is really not the most important thing in life, or the thing most likely to bring you and your children happiness. Perhaps your parents, having worked hard to raise their daughter to be a successful independent-minded woman with a good career and seeing her about to spurn all that, feel the same.

You sound really sensible, @CheekyNameChange123 and have clearly thought through all the potential pitfalls as well as the benefits. I can see that your parents will miss you, but this is your life, live it to the full.

sounds like a great opportunity, and you can come home if it doesn’t suit

I expect they are upset that you are going abroad. It's really painful when your children emigrate. My parents have spent their lives abroad and have missed my DS growing up. They've missed everything and there have been times when I've felt so alone.
My idea of family is relatives who are always around for you.
My Dsis lived in Dubai for years but couldn't find any work in the UK after 5 years so have had to stay out there.

I don’t think they generally give them much thought at all, unless they’re immediate colleagues, and even then the various pushes for ‘Emiratisation’ often put Emiratis and non-Emiratis on quite different footings in the same workplace.

DH, when he was opening an Abu Dhabi branch of the company he worked for, found it ultimately unworkable. Having to have an Emirati majority partner for a foreign company required them to have a certain minimum number of Emirati employees, but they were difficult to find and then quite often didn’t show up for work, or would be hours late. Why would they? There was little financial incentive, the company was required to have a minimum number of Emiratis, or face fines, and they were difficult to fire. As far as they were concerned, they were doing their employers a favour by taking the job at all, when the real opportunities were in the public sector.

I came across similar issues with acquaintances teaching at universities in the UAE — even in medicine, students were disengaged and often quite open about wanting a medical degree so they could get a lucrative job in the Health Ministry, for instance. No intention to practice.

the ex-pat lifestyle in AD is very expensive. I doubt you’ll save much of that 150k at all. Especially with school fees.

My mum did it as a last hurrah before retiring to make the money to build their dream home. She didn’t “live” much. She occasionally did a Friday brunch but wasn’t out socialising even when she was there on her own (dad was a trailing spouse but had to come home every other month). If she wasn’t at work she was at home. I think she enjoyed the experience, but it’s not made me want to do it (even though DH and I would earn significant amounts).

Friends have done it for varying lengths of time but none have stayed forever (and one had a very scary experience when involved in a car accident with an Emirati).

They love you. Why would they be excited about losing you and the grandchildren?

I wouldn't do it for 150k to be honest - that's not a great salary for a move to there and the vague promise that it'll double shows your husband's employer knows it too.

ETA - I just saw it was double in ten years, this is so crap

Previous posters have already addressed other points, but have you done your numbers carefully? Does DH get anything else - housing substitution, kids' school fees, health insurance? If each of you could earn 50K full time in the UK then 150K in Abu Dhabi will not be such a massive salary bump to give you an improved lifestyle.