Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

Sorry this is happening to you.

He needs to get in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow and attend at least two meetings a week. I have a dear friend who is a recovering alcoholic and has been dry for 20 years. He lost his first marriage due to his drinking. He still attends AA at least twice weekly, sometimes 3 times. If your H won't do this you need to consider your future. My father was an alcoholic. I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone.

Please try to get some sleep, nothing will be resolved right now.

Wish you all the best tomorrow as he needs to change. There's AA, SMART groups (more CBT based) and other options.

Please get in touch with your local Al Anon group. They are amazing and are for you as a person affected by an alcoholic. The most wonderful organisation I can't recommend them enough. I'm sorry you are going through this. My marriage sadly didn't survive it but the wisdom I learned from Al Anon will stay with me forever. Look after yourself and your babies, that's all you can control xx

Thank you. Can I call them tomorrow and speak to them? I’ve found their website for our local group details. What will they say to me? I know I need to give DH an ultimatum but I am so scared. Our children have no idea he is like this.

There's nothing to say to him tonight. He's still intoxicated and the alcohol's still working it's way through, so how remorseful he is or not is shouldn't be given any credence anyway.
Take a deep breathe and try to get some sleep tonight, and talk to Drinkline tomorrow: 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm) it's there for those affected by drinkers as well as the drinker.
Sorry you're going through this.

Tell him that you want him to stop drinking as he can't handle it. That anything could have happened to him in that state and he's lucky he wasn't mugged. That he's responsible for three children and needs to grow up.

If you're going to give him an ultimatum be prepared to stick with it.

Get baby back to sleep, make sure dh is on his side and go to sleep yourself

Tough night op, you're in our thoughts

Is there any family he can stay with? You could say 6 weeks and 6 aa meetings before he’s allowed back, to show you’re really serious?

This is appalling behaviour but you already know that. Im so sorry you are sobbing. He doesnt have to define your life.
Look ahead to when calmer times are back, dismiss him from your concerns as he is a lost cause tonight.

You cannot sort this tonight or make decisions. Distance from the immediate situation will come.

Try and sleep or if you cant, try and lay resting your body.
.Distract your mind from this awful situation. Maybe listen to something on your phone or some audio book? I start off sobbing then get distracted.

I've been through hell with DH although not alcohol related and I have found that thinking ahead to when this night is over really helps

Anything to dismiss from your mind his affect on your immediate feelings. Long term you will be alright that's what matters.
Either with him or without.

thank you. You’re all being so kind to me thank you. I’m going to go and check on him again and then come back up to try and sleep.
The police gave me his keys but he has come home without phone and wallet. I will see if I can block cards.

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe yes, call or email your local group coordinator. They will welcome you with open arms. They will just tell you when and where to go and for the first few sessions at least you can just listen to others. It can seem a little odd at first but keep going back. I promise it will help you. You'll quickly learn with alcoholics ultimatums do not work. Al Anon teaches you to "detach with love", basically get out of his way and look after yourself. You didn't cause his drinking and you can't cure it either; that has to come from him attending AA and committing to change once he accepts he is powerless over alcohol.

Sending you a big hug. As PP said, make sure he is on his side and then get to sleep. Nothing can be solved at 2 in the morning.

@SherbertLemons yes ultimatums haven’t worked in the past. Do I just say you need to go to AA and then I just give him the info and do no more? I want to rage at him, I’m so angry and upset.

This is exactly the right advice. I tried to put this over but this post nails it accurately.
(Get out of his way and look after yourself.)

Your children will find out as they grow up.
He needs an ultimatum- get sober and stay sober or it’s over. Anything less than that and you are doing yourself and your kids a disservice. Alcoholism has strong genetic ties. The biggest question is does your DH want to be sober?? If he doesn’t then I’d say there’s not much you can do - it’s got to come from him. I think this is what AI say. Best of luck to you xox

Thinking of you OP as sounds like a really difficult situation. I really feel for you and hope that he will feel some remorse tomorrow.

It is definitely not even worth trying to have the discussion now but he needs to consider the impact on you and the children and that isn’t always easy/comfortable to do.

As others have said, it’s a rough ride getting somebody to even acknowledge they have a problem before they even start to deal with it. I went through similar and remember my mum telling me to just ‘get him to an AA meeting’ and me wanting to scream in frustration that if it was that simple, it would have been done years ago. I did have to separate temporarily from my partner until he had stopped drinking after 12 years of him drinking to excess. He changed from a ‘happy drinker/life and soul’ early on in the relationship to a messy (similar to above- covered in own vomit and god knows what) and horrible person when drinking. This was not as an ultimatum but because of the impact on our children- and it was a long old process but definitely worth it for us all. Some people cannot have ‘just the one’ or a social drink. Would echo the above about brilliant support available for people living with alcoholics.

❤️

I'm the child of a man who was bought home in a police car, it's one memory I still have 40+ years later.

I wish my mum had slung him out on his arse. He was never violent to me, but I grew up knowing he wasn't like other dads. Only as an adult have I thought much about it as my own DH started drinking heavily and I wondered why it upset me so so much.

And you have a many baby as well, what's he like between these sessions? Is he drinking daily?

He needs help and you sound prepared to support and help him. But you do need to put some deadlines in place so he knows you mean it.

Does he have family nearby that he could stay with?

I am sorry to say that unless he wants to stop it doesn't matter how many meetings you stipulate he attends, and ultimatums won't work either - except possibly temporarily. More likely to push him to secret drinking. AA might even go the opposite way - alcoholism presents differently in people and binge drinking culture is heavily normalised in the UK. Your husband will hear from members who started each morning on hard spirits and feel vindicated that he isn't like that - ergo he has no problem. That's the disease talking, but it's very persuasive. That's why these groups only work if you want them to work.

However consequence can be a catalyst for change. Consequences should be you ask him to leave and tell him why. You can't control his drinking but you can control what you tolerate. Good luck and I'm so sorry.

They do work. Truth is you've never actually given an ultimatum , like many people before you.

It's tough and life changing to actually give a true one. Reality is usually an "ultimatum" is given along the lines of stop drinking or I'll leave. The person says ok, does stop for a bit, you feel happy for a bit - but eventually they start drinking again and the you don't leave. Put on repeat.

A very common and upsetting cycle to be in because the reality is you just want him to stop drinking and don't want to leave because the non drinking him is wonderful. Sadly, the leaving part is the only bit you can control.

An unlimitum needs to be "you stop drinking forever and attend AA or you will lose me and your children if you start again - and this is how that will happen". Having before hand comsidered what actual arrangements can be put in place.

Contact Al Anon as suggested. You'll need support as It's tough no matter what you decided to do, true ultimatum or not.

I'm all for letting your hair down occasionally and know sometimes that involves overindulgence but he has 3 kids, 1 of whom is very tiny, and it's not okay to lose your cards/ phone and be in such a state police notice you, especially when you have people depending on you.

Talk to him after his hangover tomorrow (afternoon?). I'd be disappointed more than angry. If he can't drink without the risk of getting himself into that state, he can't drink at all. It's not fair on you or the kids, mostly on you. Good luck!

ultimatums haven’t worked in the past

Then they won't work this time. See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

I’m sorry, OP. You shouldn’t have to deal with this at any time but especially with such a young baby.

Nothing productive is going to happen tonight, so get some sleep. Tomorrow is a thinking and planning day for you - you’re not going to be sorting out anything with him in a useful way while he’s still sick & hungover, but you can figure out your plans.

Others have said that ultimatums don’t work for alcoholics, and that’s true if what you’re trying to do is change his behavior. Your job now is to decide what you will or won’t tolerate around you and your child and what you require to stay in a relationship. This is boundary setting - it’s about what you will or won’t do/accept, not an attempt to force the other person to change. Are you no longer willing to be in a relationship or live in a home with your children with someone who has repeatedly behaved this way? That’s entirely valid. Are you willing to stay in a relationship with him only if he commits to a treatment program and stops drinking permanently? That is also valid. You can’t force him to stop drinking, so lay out for yourself and then for him what you will and won’t do and be prepared to stick to that regardless of what he chooses to do.

Also, a lot of PP have (with the best of intentions) spoken of AA and al-anon as the only option for alcoholics and their families. This isn’t true, and that idea can be a barrier to getting help and making real progress for some. AA (and other 12-step programs like it) work for some on their own but many people are better served with other programs and approaches either alone or in combination with 12-step. SMART Recovery is a different support-group style program that can be accessed directly, and actual addiction treatment programs often utilize CBT with therapists experienced with addiction. It’s not your responsibility to pick something for him or do the research, but if you decide that you’re willing to try to stay together if he gets help please know that help doesn’t actually need to be AA.

My grandad was an alcoholic, he died when I was 2.
However, because my dm grew up in fear of him, he was violent when drunk, she was deeply affected.
Therefore I was affected too. Dm's parenting was awful due to her childhood.
Your dh being an alcoholic won't just affect your dc but your dgc too if he stays.

Look up Adult Child of an Alcoholic, my dm has nearly every trait.