Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

It has to be an ultimatum that you mean. If you told him in the past that you would leave him if he did this again, then that is what you need to do.

Yes, it is. The addiction to the alcohol, together with the ever increasing need to satisfy the craving is what defines an alcoholic. OP’s DH sounds like a binge drinker. Not alcohol dependent. There's a difference.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy op does mention those things. She is struggling in a relationship with her husband. Who knows how he behaved with his work colleagues, he won't know until he goes to work. He is drinking to a point where he is putting himself at risk, he was picked up by the police due to being unable to look after himself.

My partner is an alcoholic, he started like that. He is probably going to be dead in the next few years. At the moment he is mostly sober, until he isn't. He is young, mid thirties.

I suggest you contact AlAnon https://al-anon.org

AA support the drinker, AlAnon support the family of the drinker.
They are the experts and none of us know your husband, how he’ll react etc…

Always remember the 3 Cs though. You didn’t cause this, you can’t control this, you can’t cure this. That is his work to do.

And how is that different to what l said ? The definition of alcoholism - AUD - is not semantics, it’s the difference between someone who is addicted to the alcohol and can’t survive without it, and someone who - like OP’s DH - doesn’t know when to stop once he’s started. The psychology of alcoholism and alcohol misuse are totally different. Binge drinking as OP has described it, usually has an underlying cause, which needs to be identified and addressed, then he needs to be supported to stop.

And I have actually pointed out that her DH’s problem drinking needs to be addressed before it gets to the point where it becomes an addiction. If he can go 18 months without a drink he’s not addicted. The reason for the behaviour needs to be identified - binge drinking usually has a cause.

Why do you think it’s intrusive? I asked because you seem to post as if you’re an authority on the subject. If someone were to ask me if I were an addict I wouldn’t think they were being rude or intrusive.
We will have to agree to disagree with the definition of 'addict' but I agree with the NHSs definition.
Being addicted to something means that not having it causes withdrawal symptoms, or a "come down". Because this can be unpleasant, it's easier to carry on having or doing what you crave, and so the cycle continues.
Often, an addiction gets out of control because you need more and more to satisfy a craving and achieve the "high"

Agree. I think OP would be better using last night as leverage to insist that he get help. The help is out there and if anything an ‘ultimatum’ should be insisting he seek it and supporting him to do that. Shape up or ship out doesn’t work.

OP - how is he this morning? X

You cannot do anything about his behaviour - he is going to need to want to stop and he is going to have to stop for good - not for 18months and think he is ok. You can only deal with you and your children.
If you give him an ultimatum will it work and will you be able to stick to it? It is a horrible situation you are in and the stress and worry for you must be immense . You should be enjoying this time with your newborn and not cancelling cards and dealing with the police. Get support for you - alcoholism is a selfish disease and you need to have support for yourself before you can decide what to do with him,

The police brought him home covered in vomit. It is that bad, because OP can't trust him not to do this when the kids are sick, when she's ill herself, when they are due to go on holiday...

Start by pouring any alcohol in the house down the sink. If he’s this bad, home will need to be drink free.

The OP shouldn't have to go without alcohol because her husband has no self-control. Women are not responsible for what men do and she is not responsible for his drinking habits. She shouldn't be taking responsibility for his drinking, that's his job.

If you have given ultimatums before and they haven’t worked then it is now time to leave.

Dont expose your children to this.

AA talks about a higher power, which is religious.

So sorry for your situation 😞 it doesn't get better
Mine promised over and over to stop, eventually I stopped caring and actually hoped he would choke to death on vomit get hit by a car die of liver disease etc. that's when I knew I had to divorce. I np.lpnger cared about where he was, why I never saw him eveninga weekends holidays etc. the booze was all he lived for.

They have worked because the ex-partner of the alcoholic no longer has to deal with the alcoholic's behaviour.

It is not.

If it were, people who were abstinent would cease to be alcoholics.

What you are describing is how the medical model defines alcoholism, and while OP's DH is clearly a problematic binge-drinker but likely not an addict, he still obviously displays the same "excessive time using" and "uncontrollable craving" you describe in your post at the bottom of page 5.

This is why it's utterly pointless to issue ultimatums even to problematic binge drinkers, because they are not making rational decisions when it comes to alcohol use. An ordinary person will decide, "no, I've had enough, time to go home" and elect not to have another drink. Someone with a binge drinking issue is not making a rational decision because they act compulsively while either under the influence, or in the presence of alcohol. No amount of threats (which is what an ultimatum is) nor precisely what you threaten with does anything to remove a compulsion, hence why it's pointless.

It's also why continued, excessive alcohol use is not what defines an alcoholic. Someone who is drunk 24/7, 365, is very likely addicted and an alcoholic, but it's not the act of being drunk which defines their alcoholism, otherwise we'd all be alcoholics every and any time one of us got a bit tipsy. It's the inability to regulate and make appropriate, responsible decisions WRT their alcohol intake, because they act irrationally and compulsively WRT alcohol, exactly the same as the "once in a blue moon" binge drinker.

That is not the intent of the ultimatum. The ultimatum is issued in an attempt to prompt the drinker to stop drinking, ergo, when you leave because the drinker is drunk again, your ultimatum has failed.

"shouldn't have to go without alcohol"

what 😂

you do realise alcohol is an unnecessary poison. everyone should go without alcohol, the world would be a far better place and people would be so much mentally and physically healthier

I get where you're coming from and right now this probably isn't the way to go.

However, generally speaking, if an alcoholic is in recovery they are absolutely entitled to stipulate they need to live in a home that doesn't have alcohol in it. That's often how it truly has to be to ensure recovery is successful. Down the line they may be okay to have alcohol in the house, but certainly in the earlier stages it's a basic standard. That goes whether the alcoholic in question is a man or a woman. If their partner can't support that they are always better living apart. I don't actually think it's a massive sacrifice to support an alcoholic. It doesn't seem misogynistic to me.

Not that any of this applies to this circumstance - the husband is not in any sort of recovery.

Expect a safeguarding referral to have gone in regarding the children, for that alone I would be packing his bags and telling him to go.

Insisting OP pour every drop down the sink is ridiculous though.

For a start, what if it is the OP's alcohol and she has no issue with alcohol? Why should she forego a small pleasure?

Secondly, alcohol is freely available and relatively affordable, so there is nothing to stop it being replaced as soon as the shops open, if DH has a mind to.

Knee-jerk, confrontation, all-or-nothing responses are not going to help in any way, and will quite likely provoke the opposite reaction to one intended. Locking DH out of his own house for example. Ridiculous.

This would be hitting rock bottom and if he doesn't come to his senses and realise that and actively and immediately seeks treatment and help through his GP and Alcoholics Anonymous the relationship needs to end.

It probably needs to end anyway as it's a very difficult addiction to overcome.

Personally I could not get over the shame or the absolute disgust at seeing him escorted home covered in sick and I would never feel attracted to him again.

All or nothing… it will have to be nothing then. Some people just cannot have one or two and they completely flip when they are pissed. I know a few like this. The only solution is to not drink at all. If he won’t agree to this then he has to piss off!

I second this - Al Anon were really a light in the darkness through my (now ex) partner's alcohol issues. As with PP, it didn't save my relationship but they gave me comfort and strength. My ex sounds like your husband, except it was more frequent and thankfully police were never involved. He did get a broken jaw in a drunken brawl though when our DD was 4 months old, and ended up spending several days in hospital whilst I was at home with two dogs to look after and a 4-month old - DD and I had just caught COVID and were both really poorly too - it was one of the worst moments of my life. I wish I'd left him there and then instead of giving an ultimatum, but it took another 2 and a half years of that sort of crap before I left this January. I'm now happier than I've been in years and years, even though things are difficult as a single parent.