Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

An alcoholic is anyone who's drinking is having a negative impact on those around them and themselves. It doesn't matter how long since he last got into this state.

SMART Recovery have a family & friends group. They are online so you don't have to go out to the meetings if you can't (small children). I've attended and found it useful. And they have a book.

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/product/family-friends-handbook/

I would also recommend filming him if he does this again, and showing him what a state he's in. He probably has no idea what an absolute mess he's in.

I agree with this also. Having grown up with an alcoholic parent and then sibling, a once in 18 month binge isn't anywhere close to being an alcoholic.

Agreed, but the point about confronting him with an ultimatum is that issuing DH with a "quit drinking or..." is going to change nothing, because you can not bully, blackmail, intimidate, or cajole someone with a problematic behaviour and an urge to behave irresponsibly into ignoring that urge, and nor will that diminish the urge in any way or somehow magic it away, on the contrary, it's more likely to provoke a binge drinker into a vain attempt to "prove you wrong" by attempting to drink responsibly and subsequently failing, or by just going out and getting blind drunk again because they resent what they interpret as an attempt at blackmail/control

There is no reason not to sit down and have a calm "these are the consequences if this pattern of behaviour continues.." chat, but the timing has to be right, and it's also vitally important how it's pitched. The clamour for a confrontation in this thread is entirely the wrong way to go about it, and a guaranteed way to hasten yet another episode and a parting of the ways. It is indeed entirely healthy to have boundaries and lines in the sand, but you can not control someone else's irrational behaviour by browbeating them or issuing ultimatums. They have to find that desire from within themselves, and you can not artificially create it by issuing threats. It's also a guaranteed way to set someone up to fail when the issue is alcohol and you start issuing 100% black and white absolutes, because very few people manage to stop and then remain entirely abstinent in perpetuity, even if and when they are entirely serious about stopping.

You don't understand the nature of addiction. Until you do, best not to comment.

OP as always on threads like these posters are quick to label peope as alcoholics. Based on what you’ve said here it sounds more like he’s a binge drinker.

There’s a difference between problem drinking and alcoholism. Problem drinkers will drink too much, too often, or in inappropriate situations, whereas alcoholism is a disease involving compulsive addictive drinking, regardless of negative consequences - the craving for alcohol and the need to satisfy it comes before everything. A binge drinker is only likely to have symptoms related to overconsumption of alcohol, such as nausea, vomiting, and hangovers. They tend to be all or nothing drinkers as you have described your DH and tend not to drink on a daily basis because the problem is controlling intake, not addiction to alcohol - as evidenced by the last ‘binge’ being 18 months ago.

So l don’t think AA is appropriate here. I think there’s a real danger that his problem drinking will progress to alcohol dependency if it isn’t addressed and maybe when he sobers up you should insist that he recognises the problem has escalated somewhat as it’s now involved the police, and that he should see this as an opportunity to try to get help and insight into what makes him drink like this.

I would recommend SMART Recovery - link is here https://smartrecovery.org.uk/. It’s self help, can be directly accessed and uses methods based on cognitive behavioural therapy to recognise why the person misuses alcohol the way they do. Binge drinking can be a coping mechanism to deal with problems like stress, depression, anxiety, difficult life events. Or it can be used to relax or boost confidence in social situations. It’s important to recognise the reasons behind the behaviour, because that’s one of the first steps to eliminating it. The solution is in his own hands, but you now have last night as the leverage to issue one final ultimatum. It stops or you’re done - you will not allow him to drag you and his family into a spiral. Help is available, and he needs to get it.

The poster is correct. There is a world of difference between a binge drinker who can go months without a drink, and an alcoholic who is constantly looking to satisfy the craving for alcohol at any cost. Where l part company with that quote string is that it does need to be addressed. It’s a pattern, and there will be reasons why he does it. It won’t stop until he gets support to recognise those reasons and get back in control. If it goes untreated binge drinking can eventually lead to alcohol dependence.

With all due respect, ultimatums only work if you mean them.
He HAS to quit drinking and go to AA or you WILL leave him.
And mean it x

They are both problem drinkers, both have an inability to control their interactions with alcohol, and this is really not much more than a semantic argument over the precise definition of the term "alcoholic".

There are also plenty of binge type drinkers who absolutely could be raging, daily pissed 24/7 drinkers if they so chose to be, but manage to keep a lid on it for whatever reason. There is also a huge difference between someone who ordinarily drinks responsibly but very occasionally goes overboard and ends up in the state of OP's DH, and someone who only drinks infrequently but ends up in the state of OP's DH every single time they do drink.

Agree with this. Ultimatums eg "change or I'm leaving" are not the answer. This relies on extrinsic motivation (making change cos others have told you do) and therefore less likely to succeed

Better to say "I love you but can't live like this. I need to tell you that I'm thinking of ending this relationship (if that's true)". If he decides to make changes cos he wants to save the marriage, this is intrinsic motivation and more likely to succeed)

He won't change unless he wants to, and even then, it's extremely difficult

Good luck

What you've just described above is alcoholism.

It is very, very unhelpful to downplay this as something it is not, albeit your conclusions are the same: that this is a problematic dependency and it needs to be addressed.

Recall that an addict's best friend/worst enemy is denial. The devil is always sitting on their shoulder, whispering to them that their problem is not so bad as it really is.

Do people really think that someone who gets paralytic once every 18 months is an alcoholic? Really?
OP, he’s an idiot who got drunk.

Semantics.

There are plenty of alcoholics who only get drunk once every 18 months, just as there are plenty of alcoholics who never drink.

I'm so sorry. I would get him to do an AUDIT-C test, that way it's not your opinion telling him what's what, it's a formal tool.
https://auditscreen.org/check-your-drinking?num=19

You need to find some support so you can decide to do. As someone who is two years sober, I know how sad and infuriating it can be to live with an alcoholic. Do contact Al Anon and I think there's a thread on the Mumsnet Alcohol Support forum too.

I just hit two years after my partner let me know just how much my drinking was affecting them. At first I was doing it for them, but quickly I realised how much life improved and quit for me.

I was ready to quit though (sort of). I had a few failed attempts under my belt and my mum had started making noises about being concerned at now much I was drinking (a bottle of wine every night minimum). Ultimately the experts say that it has to be the decision of the drinker, and they're right.

AA is very very good, but there's lots of alternatives - I relied heavily on the sober Insta community and then found sober mates IRL later on, while my friend loves Smart Recovery.

There's lots of good books out there - I love Catherine Gray's books and lots of people love Annie Grace's This Sober Mind .

Are you an addict? According to the NHS, getting drunk once every couple of years does not indicate alcoholism.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy I agree it sounds more like binge drinking (which is certainly a problem with alcohol) rather than an addition. It’s in inability to control one’s impulses in certain situations, like binge eating. In fact, if your DH doesn’t drink regularly, that’s probably why he gets legless.

I’ve lived with a binge drinker. He needs to understand why he does it. What compels him. Why he puts having another drink ahead of thinking how it’ll impact you and the kids. Lots of us go out and have too many drinks from time to time. But if he binges every time he drinks, even when it’s not wise, he needs to understand why. With the person I know, it was that he’s really sociable and would be downing drinks while chatting and laughing without thinking too much about it. He started to have more soft drinks and downing them instead. He focussed on being conscious that he’s always tempted to have more (ending with the ‘nightcap’ of a whiskey) when he’s already had a few. And stopping himself.

I’ve never heard of SMART recovery, but it sounds useful.

Not semantics - reality. The OP has not indicated that he is dependent on alcohol. That’s the first sign of addiction.

The NHS is correct, it doesn't, just as being blind drunk 24/7, 365 days a year doesn't define alcoholism.

Alcoholism is what you have when you are unable to regulate your drinking and make responsible choices with alcohol. It doesn't matter if you only encounter the issue once in a while, or whether it's an ongoing daily event. If you can't regulate and control, you are an alcoholic.

I have a friend who has not touched a drop in twenty years.

Life is constant vigilance to stay off and she attends meetings and gives her time to an addict recovery group.

She describes herself as an alcoholic.

Alcoholism isn't solely dependent upon addiction.

Your intrusive question is extremely bloody rude. And splitting hairs over how serious OP's DH's problem is or is not, is not doing anything to help the OP. She's posting here to ask for advice, not as an opening for people to split hairs over definitions.

A physical addiction to alcohol requiring medical detoxification is only its most advanced form. A person can be an addict long before that stage is reached.

It's not the drinking every couple of years that's the problem. It's the complete inability to stop and lack of control when it happens. when you don't control alcohol, and it controls you, you are an alcoholic.

I'm unsure why people are so determined to downplay this. Is this in some way intended to encourage OP to minimise this state of affairs? Either way, it's not helpful in the slightest.

Someone who does this even on a semi regular basis has an issue with alcohol that they lose control of, so yes, it's one of the patterns of alcoholics, often a self medicating, coping mechanism

It's an equally maladaptive habit and needs to be resolved in the same way any other self harming behaviour does

For his wife and kids, it will be just like waiting on the behaviour of any other alcoholic

I agree with this. I did SMART and used my local drugs and alcohol support service (NHS, and you can self-refer). I don't like some aspects of AA. It's not for everyone and it's definitely not the only way.

The fact you know you cannot trust him, rely on him or depend on him not to do something stupid, irresponsible and dangerous that could have got him killed is the main issue.

The last thing you need is that 'what if ...' anxiety and worry. Never being certain THAT won't walk through the door again.

You'll have lost respect for him seeing him in that state.

There will have been disgust, too.

Whatever you want to label this - and can we stop derailing this thread with dictionary wrangling - it needs to stop.

Hope you can take time today to research and plan.

Al anon certainly doesn't work for everyone.

I haven't offered any suggestions as to what OP's DH does, as his response is not within her control. Only hers is.

But for families of those affected, local Forward Trust groups are wonderful. They perform an entirely different function designed mostly toward self-preservation, and an acceptance of what is and isn't within your own control.

An alcoholic is anyone who's drinking is having a negative impact on those around them and themselves. It doesn't matter how long since he last got into this state.

This is absolutely not the case - alcoholism - AUD is a medical condition characterized by a problematic pattern of alcohol use that leads to significant impairment or distress. AUD includes symptoms like a persistent desire to cut down or control alcohol use, spending excessive time obtaining, using, or recovering from alcohol, uncontrollable craving, and continued alcohol use despite significant life consequences such as loss of employment, marriage breakdown, bankruptcy etc. Alcohol tolerance also increases - so there is the need to drink more to satisfy the cravings, as well as serious physical and mental effects when drinking stops - withdrawal.

OP hasn’t mentioned any of these effects. What she has described is someone who misuses alcohol, but appears not to be addicted. But as usual on MN ignorance of what alcoholism actually is, leads to what we have here. Which is a slew of posters telling OP her DH is an alcoholic, when in fact he’s a binge drinker who needs help to understand why he’s a binge drinker and support to stop.