Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

I'd have been tempted to tell the police it's nothing to do with me and given them his parents phone number.

So sorry your are going through this. Having extensive experience of family alcoholism, I would say that ultimatums do not work if you don’t follow them through. Every time he is forgiven gives him carte blanche to do it again.

I would suggest that this time you really need to mean business. Sit him down and tell him you will not allow your DC to live with an alcoholic parent bringing pain and trauma to their lives. So he can only stay if he is committed to being a sober father (sober, not reducing his drinking, that won’t work), otherwise he will have to leave and miss out on the family life he could have had. He needs a massive reality check and you need to mean it.

Are his parents/family aware of his drink problem? It is time to bring them on board if you think they will be supportive. He will probably beg you not to tell them but if he is serious about gaining sobriety his nearest and dearest need to be aware of what has been going on. It might also be a good idea for him to go and stay with family for a week or two to give you some head space and hopefully make him realise what he stands to lose.

It is not for you to fix him, only he can fix himself and he needs to work out how to do it. But do phone Al-anon or Drinkline to get some support for yourself.

Wishing you the very best of luck - be strong.

As with any addiction, he needs help. I’m sorry you are going through this especially with such young children.

Like what others have already said he needs to attend AA. Even then, it is not foolproof. There has to be will on his side to truly not drink anymore.

Is he going through a rough patch psychologically? Not that it’s a good excuse, but he may benefit from some counseling and psychological assessment apart from AA.

A really good friend of mine in the US once called me up to ask to borrow a whole lot of money roughly $10k due to his gambling addiction. He made it sound dire and I was on the verge of enabling him by lending the money. That is until his sister called me to tell me she had already lent him nearly $100k. His addiction hurt everyone around him. It did strain her marriage as she was a housewife and her husband, while he made good money, basically was funding his gambling habit. She told me, actually urged me, I needed to let her brother hit rock bottom.

I have not spoken to him in years since and I don’t know what happened. What do I know is he lost his first marriage due to his addiction.

It sounds harsh but I think you have two options - 1) let DH hit rock bottom, lose everything for him to realize this is what his addiction has cost him or
2)Be supportive and help him through these issues. It will be difficult, especially, with young children, but it may make your marriage stronger.

One of my closest friends’ father was an alcoholic. She said seeing him as an alcoholic as a kid was difficult. He was erratic in what he showed up for depending on whether he had had a drink or not. His marriage to her mother also failed due to his addiction. When he did show up, sometimes drunk, he’d embarrass everyone including her mother and her.

Again, the odds are long. Only you can make the decision as to what is right for your family.
I’m very sorry for the position you are in. Do think it through and what is best for your family.

Speaking from experience… first of I’m really sorry you are going through this, it will be up to your husband to get the help, it’s up to you to decide wether you put up with this for you and your children.
He will have to hit rock bottom, and I mean rock bottom to be able to rebuild his life, it’s just not that easy , it doesn’t mean to say it won’t work out, it’s really hard work. For my experience it wasn’t just Alcohol but other awful substances , I decided way before things got that bad that my DH had to leave for my children sake, he did, he hit major rock bottom, the outcome, we are back together, he has been clean for almost 3 years, I’m really proud of him, but it’s come with a lot of mental health and he needs a lot of support, but equally he is my support, we are a team, it can work but it’s very emotionally hard work to get through, good luck

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe ask your dh to go see his gp and if possible you might need to go too and help explain the impact on family etc if he is likely to minimise his behaviours. There is help. Mounjaro is known as a weight loss/diabetic aid but increasingly prescribing for addictive behaviours such as Alcoholism as it works in the same way that stops ‘food noise’ and addictive behaviour for alcohol and other addictions such as gambling etc. It’s an incredibly successful and useful tool. Please go and discuss this with your gp.

I was married to an alcoholic who was a very controlled drinker noone knew the extent. He had no intention of stopping he thought he was in control. Having read about alcoholics you cannot act for them so unless his cards affect you personally do not block them this is for him to do. He has to learn consequences. Likewise you should not give him AA information it is for him to find out and seek help. By all means support him but most important is looking after yourself and the children. It will be very hard believe me but you must stick at it. Also do not be afraid to involve family. You should not take on this alone. Wishing you the best I've been where you are.

Any update, has he apologised? Explained? Or tried to make it up to you? Its pretty selfish of him. If he's doing this often you should think about kicking him out or if a one off let him know it's unacceptable and he'll have to leave if it happens again.
Actually, if it happens again, tell the police you don't want him in the house and he can sleep in the car.
So your husband acted selfishly, I hope you sort it out.

Read the updates. He’s been shown film the OP took when the police brought him home. They’ve had a conversation and he’s agreed to get help and go teetotal.

Do you think that when someone does go out on work events, or even socialising, it’s acceptable for them to get so drunk that they vomit everywhere and are so incoherent that the police have to bring them home ?

Who - the police ? It’s clearly within their remit that if someone is so drunk they are incoherent and in danger of choking on their own vomit, that they are taken off the streets in whatever way works best. Why are you trying to turn this into a police bashing exercise ?

Honestly, I’ve seen first hand where this ends. My brother, once a big strong unit of a man, died at Christmas after a few years of alcohol abuse. He too had a wife and 3 children. A refusal to address it will only lead to one outcome. The wife and children will not be the priority to him if this drinking gets out of control. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and if he could see what we’ve been through in my family, he wouldn’t hesitate to do something. Be strong and do not accept this.

Alright! Thought this was a friendly forum, guess I was wrong!

There was nothing “unfriendly” about the post. The poster was polite.

It was daft of you not to bother reading and then post and ask if there was an update and they only directed you to have a read.

I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. With three children it must be terrible. I just want to give you a hug.
However you’ve had some very good advice on Mumsnet, so I would follow it up. The only advice I would give is maybe switch on to Classic FM Calm. I’ve been through a really difficult two years with my husband and his medical history. So many emergency call outs! The only thing that worked was listening to that music. My daughters do too.
I really do hope your husband wakes up and realises just what’s at stake here. Take care

It's not that serious, go and polish your live laugh life sign or have a glass of wine. 🙄
Just don't bother me. 👋

This is a ridiculous and unhelpful post on every level.
He didn’t come home at a normal time - he was found by the police on a pavement covered in vomit. He had “lost” his phone and wallet.
He is lucky he didn’t suffer serious injury or worse, There is nothing normal about this behaviour.

( Edited to add - as someone from an Irish background I think attitudes to alcohol in Ireland are very concerning and have caused huge amounts of damage .)

I agree, this is exactly what happened to my ex h, he went to one meeting and felt vindicated that he wasn’t as bad as I was saying because he wasn’t as bad as them. I think the AA culture is quite different in the UK, people seem to get into it only when they’ve hit rock bottom. My ex also didn’t respond to ultimatums and was drinking in secret. I ended our marriage in the end because I realised it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t control his drinking and it was become heavily codependent.

So let me get this right, he's not gone out for a drink for 18 months, he's got bladdered on that night and now you want to rage at him? I think you're overreacting personally. It sounds like he doesn't go out for a drink that often, everyone is allowed to cut loose sometimes aren't they? Are you telling me that you've never been so drunk that this hasn't happened to you?

I get that you've got 3 kids including a new born, but seriously, you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion and for those suggesting AA etc, he's not an alcoholic, the OP says he hasn't done anything like this for 18 months. Having an alcohol addiction problem is a completely different kettle of fish.

Hopefully he's apologised now and you've kissed and made up 👍🏻

So sorry you're having a tricky time with DH ❤

I don't know where you are in the country, but if you're in Hampshire you can contact an organisation called PSL who are fab for family and friends of loved ones using alcohol and substances. Their website is Home - Parent Support Link

You're minimising.

Getting bladdered is one thing.

Drinking so much that you lose your phone, your bank card and your memory and have to be brought home covered in vomit by the police is another. Most people can drink and be merry yet stop before they reach that stage.

It is not OK to be that drunk.

Well yes, that's your opinion and you're entitled to it, just as I am mine. Sometimes people end up more drunk than they were intending, it's part of life and part of being an adult. Mistakes get made, I'm sure his hangover was horrendous. We learn and move on, no point dwelling or getting into a hissy fit about it. My wife and I have both had drunken nights out separately of one another, sometimes worse than others, it's part of letting go of the stress of being a parent, homelife etc, you're essentially "free" in those moments whilst the partner takes care of the homestead.

I don't see anything wrong with it personally, he hasn't hurt anyone apart from an overly sensitive spouse it seems.

I don't see anything wrong with it personally, he hasn't hurt anyone apart from an overly sensitive spouse it seems.

And wasting police resources.

I completle disagree with you.

It is an opinion shared by many on here. IMO it is fine to occasionally over indulge, but it is never OK for your overindulgence to impact other people.

I know when I have had enough. I have a fully functioning off switch. I have reached the stage where I don't want a hangover.

Crikey

i know......how the other half live eh?....so glad I don't!