Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

What a worry for you. I’m glad he is safe and good that the police helped him. You’ll get there. Stay calm and get some professional help for him. He will feel very ashamed especially as he’s done so well for so long.

He might be resistant to something like AA but there are other programs. Send him this link - a challenge to quit for a shorter term might be a way forward, to feel more in control, focus on the positives of not drinking rather than being a person with a drinking problem . www.oneyearnobeer.com

Good luck

I would leave. Random bouts of heavy drinking like this that happen after long intervals are difficult to manage. How are you to know they have truly recovered? Years can go by with him promising he won't do it again, until he does. It depends how you want to live: he says he's going out and you will spend those hours that he's out worrying that he'll get shitfaced again, even if it's all been fine for the last 18 months.

Things aren't that bad if this is the first drink in 18 months!

It is not clear if the issue is alcoholism or binge drinking? Also, how you deal with it will depend on if he is genuinely sorry and wants to make amends, but you might have to wait till the hangover has passed to determine that.

I am not and never have been an alcoholic, but I have ADHD and have had issues with binge drinking a vomiting from time to time, more frequently when I was younger. I am in my late 40s now and last time was about 3 years ago, prior to that it would happen once every few years. I also binge eat. There isn't a part of my brain that reliably tells me when I need to stop. Fortunately I have gone off alcohol in peri menopause.

Fair enough you are angry and he deserves a bollocking, but it hasn't happened for 18 months, unless there are other ongoing drinking issues that haven't been as extreme as this?

Assuming the issue is binge drinking and if he is otherwise generally a decent person, and this is genuinely the first drinking incident in 18 months, how about discussing with him strategies for future social events? Either not drinking at all, he doesn't join in rounds, must eat a meal prior, drinks low alcohol beer, water every second drink, or he has to periodically contact you through the evening or vice versa.

I do know people that do have more serious issues with alcohol and have taken Naltrexone which is supposed to take away the desire to drink.

I just noticed you mention he is on the sofa with a bucket showing no signs of remorse, from experience, at that point of intoxication it feels like it's about survival, the remorse comes later after you have sobered up and have the capacity to process what happened.

You'll quickly learn with alcoholics ultimatums do not work

A million times this.

It's utterly pointless trying to "force" him to get help via threats, because if he doesn't consider himself to have a problem then there's no onus or motivation for him to take any serious action, and no, "losing the wife and kids" is not motivation if he values his relationship with alcohol more than he does with his wife and children.

Let him sleep the alcohol off, give him a day to shake the hangover, have a think to himself and let the beer fear set in, and don't listen to any immediate "OMG I'm so ashamed, I'm never touching alcohol again" stuff coming out of him tomorrow because that's nothing more than the existential dread of the hangover speaking and that passes within a week.

You need to be prepared to up and leave if this is something that you can not tolerate, because you can't assume he's just going to correct it because you threaten to leave. He has to want to do that himself for his own sake, not yours, because addicts don't quit unless they're motivated by their own desire to quit, not someone else's. That's no reason not to sit him down and calmly, clearly explain the consequences if he chooses to continue behaving the way he is, but the motivation to address it has to come entirely from within himself.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket

That seems insane. Surely a tiled bathroom or laundry floor would have been best. You have put someone covered in vomit on your sofa? It’s going to get manky. Plus he may miss bucket and get living room floor/and/or sofa. Putting him on a tiled surface will mean much easier clean up for him next day when you hand over the clean supplies.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX this is very true.

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe I speak from experience with my XH. I spent years trying to help him (including spending thousands on private therapy, private rehab etc). I literally tried everything, all the groups etc, but deep down, he didn't want to quit. And he just started hiding it, and then DARVO and then gaslighting me etc until I thought I was going insane. His drinking (and abusive behaviour) escalated. Years on from when we split, he's still drinking. He lost his marriage, a decent family life and home, and numerous jobs to the drink. I tried hiding his drinking etc from the kids, but they heard things, and felt things weren't right. And I hate myself for that. With hindsight, I should have ended things years before, but I kept thinking that "if I could only try this or that"....or "is the problem actually me and I'm driving him to do this"...crazy isn't it?

You should put him in the recovery position on a hard floor. Anything else is dangerous.

Depends if he's insured.

Op no matter how daunting it will feel, your children can not grow up around this. It is not safe or fair for them to have your dp as their role model in life. He either goes to AA and fully commits or he leaves. You simply can not live like this, he will ruin all of your lives.

How terrifying to be woken up in the night op. I am sorry you are going through this.

It’s pointless. Ultimatums will not work. He has to make the choice. You have to decide if you can live with this or not. That’s all the control you have.

Start by pouring any alcohol in the house down the sink. If he’s this bad, home will need to be drink free.

And yes, he needs a firm ultimatum and he needs to know you will carry it out. So if you’re usually upset and raging, he now needs to hear cold and deadly, quite frankly. Mine would be told that the police brought him home covered in vomit and that there will be no next time. I’d curfew him - home by X time or the door will be bolted and I will not open it, police or no police. Given the state he was in and the impact on his family, the police should have put him in a cell for the night. That might have been a wake up call for him.

Don't do this.

It's entirely confrontational, and all a binge-drinker will do is resent the attempt at control and go binge just to spite you.

Actually, he does not have to do AA, particularly if he is not religious.
But ideally, he would find a way of dealing with alcohol and why he feels it's ok to go on a bender.

Really? Out of all the shit @MrsJaneyLloydFoxe is currently going through, you think where she left him is a concern?
Priorities!

Ultimatums won’t work, sadly.
you need to get yourself to an al anon meeting and perhaps read up on the craft method, which is the thing I found to be most helpful when trying to support the addicts in my life.
please reach out if you want to talk x

AA is NOT affiliated with any religion.

Not everyone has a laundry room.
Many people only have one bathroom, and the OP and the children will want to use it, preferably in a reasonable state.
This woman has young children and was woken in the night confronted with the police bringing home her incapacitated husband. I suspect that the condition of her sofa is the least of her worries.

So sorry you are going through this shit-storm, @MrsJaneyLloydFoxe . As others have noted, various organisations may help him.
However, you need to find a support netwok (such as Al Anon) that are non-judgemental nd unemotional. Yes, family and friends will support, but they will offer very biased advice because they love and care for you. Professionals will help you practically and with coping strategies.
Best wishes

If ultimatums haven’t worked in the past, they won’t in the future. You need to think about what you want, and you’ll get more while the kids are small, than if you wait.

I can say from experience ultimatums can help but not unless your DH has the willpower aswell. My DH pre kids went out allot and drank heavily it didn't bother me until we had kids. He still drinks but no where near as bad as he did and if he's having a big drink I tell him to go and stay at someone else's house (normally whoever he is out with) so I don't need to deal with the aftermath he also leaves his bank card at home and just takes cash so he won't lose it and it also stops him drinking to much as he can only drink the amount of cash he has. He came home once drunk and threw up everywhere when DS was very young and I told him no more and I would not be impressed if he did it again and he hasn't. I'm actually a little proud of him lately as he's been saying no to going out and drinking and he is showing willpower. Its worth having a chat when he wakes up see if he will attend any classes and get support he needs to have the willpower. Good luck.

Op doesn't need to get professional help for him.

He needs to do that himself. Op needs to get help for herself.

Not officially no, but meetings often take place in church halls, the methodology can be quite evangelical, and there is often some sort of church/religion overlap with the people facilitating it. It's not uncommon for AA attendees to also suddenly become involved with religion, and that is not purely coincidental.