Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

She said they were.

He can’t get a diagnosis because of such a massive waiting list … I wonder why?!?

My son has ADHD ASD PDA and severe anxiety
He masked until he was 12/13 he as diagnosed at 18
I think it’s very unfair for people to call you out for jumping on a band wagon.
I think you should get him assessed and if he doesn’t have ADHD at least you will know that it is a behavioral issue rather than ADHD

He sounds like a perfectly normal 14 year old to me, struggling to individuate with parents who can’t let go of their little boy. You can either accept the new person he’s become and let him be or pathologist his behaviour and see him push back by rebelling against you.

He could just be a bratty 14yr old
It happens.

But you don't answer my question. Why is it desirable to be different? Wny can't kids be bored or lazy or tired?

If he doesn't like reading, what about audio books?

More than likely.

I really wish my DC’s ND traits were due to tiredness or being bored or fed up or disenchanted or any of the other things you suggest. That would be so much easier to address. As it is they are extremely debilitating and his life is very limited as a result. As is mine.

It’s really, really not something he desires.
He wants to be like his siblings because he sees things are easier for them. Others may feel differently of course, but that’s how it is for him.

He doesn’t want to be different, he just is.
Your attitude is actually insulting @lentilbake16.
It’s not like we have a choice here.

I think that’s mostly because they don’t come from a family of readers. And they are part of a section of society that thinks that boys don’t read novels.

I love that if you don’t have a long list of alphabet soup acronyms for your child on here, you’re not credible. Every post on this entire blooming group, no matter the topic, is full of people listing out their child’s diagnoses like a long list of qualifications after their name. It could be a post about someone losing their car keys or spring arriving and there will be people listing out which ‘conditions’ their child has. There is something very wrong these days.

Why do you ask that? There is unlikely to be data on that. But it’s going to turn out to be a huge misselling type scandal in years to come. Fast forward 20 years and we’ll all be saying do you remember when everyone had an adhd diagnosis..

Yes it was Panorama. It’s not surprising if you ask some adults do you have difficulty paying attention that a large swath of people are going to say yes. Only when we start doing mris as part of the diagnostic process will we actually find out who has adhd and who does not. My money is on 50% of people who are currently sitting with a diagnosis not having it.

I'm recently diagnosed ADHD with an ADHD daughter. I've not read what others have written, What works for one person doesn't work for others. Here are my thoughts on your lad.

Are the school aware you think is has ADHD? How many conversations have you had with the Senco? Teachers are rarely trained in it, but are generally willing to support it. That being said supports are cheap. I've split mine into tools and behaviours. Tools are things like noise cancelling ear plugs (Loops are amazing though I use a knockoff set that were £4 on Amazon), privacy screen and Google tasks. Behaviours are things like remembering to use my tools, taking frequent breaks, micro rewarding (I'll get a brew/grab a biscuit/use the loo/scroll Facebook etc once this task is finished), telling people when they are distracting me...politely most if the time.

ADHD folk tend to be event driven not time driven. Deadlines are rubbish, but say I need this done before I can do this other thing, and I'm there. Again behaviours.

You need to talk to school. Tell them you are certain he has ADHD, and that you will be sending in noise cancelling ear plugs and you require that teachers remind him and allow him to use them. Likewise, he needs support to remember what homework he has.

You need to talk to him about what ADHD is and means for him. It is very common for ADHD folk to suffer anxiety particularly around failure and rejection. My daughter's temper is so much better since we brought that out into the open for her. She can now recognise when someone is pushing those buttons or if a situation is affecting her.

She's well aware of what her ADHD brain can do, we've talked a lot about what works for each other. She's 10. She came into the kitchen the other night...mum, you do know I can see 6 jobs on the go here that you've started, your ADHD is showing...and walked off. She's still learning to manage hers, but I think the most valuable skill I can teach her is to speak up. She needs to demand her accomodations and justify why she needs them. I can't be there all the time to do that for her. I think you need to work with your son to accept that he thinks differently and that he needs to advocate for himself.

Do lots of reading about what ADHD is and how to help manage it.

Lastly, look at the ADHD.co.uk website specifically the bit about right to choose. Ask school to document what they are seeing, and take that and observations to your GP and ask for a referral stating that you want to use the RTC pathway.

It's ok to be an ADHD person, we just need to learn to manage in a world run by neuro typical folk. We've been adapting for them for generations, they're only just beginning to realise that a few simple accomodations and behaviours can make our lives so much more harmonious.

Apologies if this is a bit curt...I'm trying not to write too much in one splurge.

This seems like excellent advice. Ignore the negative/unhelpful comments that some people on here have posted and concentrate on ones like this

It sounds like he’s trying to fit in,possibly with. A crowd you wouldn’t like much,but the ‘cool’ kids in school would like his swagger, vaping and attitude,and that’s who he’s trying to impress.
Most of us if we’re honest find concentrating on subjects we’re not interested in difficult.Hes coping with a rise in his hormones too.
wish I knew the answers,but most come through it alright,it just takes a year or two.

I honestly think this is quite normal behaviour for a 14 yr old boy - he probably wants to be seen as one of the lads. I know alot of people who try to look for a nuerodivergency to blame for their behaviour. Sanctions at home like no PlayStation or no football with mates I never stopped paid for for ex curricular activities such as dance or football as not fair on their teammates/squad but would not let them up the field with mates or sleepovers.

Part of this is normal though and -14 is an awful age but in my experience it does pass. You can't just sit back and ignore it but likewise going to OTT with sanctions etc can make it even worse as part of it isn't their fault. They are losing their childhood but are not yet an adult so their brain at this age is very confused.

If you have suspected it for years why haven't you done anything about it?

He sounds 14 to me.

Good for you, it’s very simplistic and ignorant, these thoughts are easy to have until you’ve lived it

Because until it’s really bad most people don’t think they’d get a diagnosis or some people don’t want to “label” their child, which is understandable when you read the ignorant comments on here

Jesus Christ

Meant in the nicest possible way but were you surprised at the bad parents evening?

Ypu haven't mentioned what he said about the parents evening comments? Has he committed to trying harder, improving his attitude or whatever ths issue is. Changing schools won't do much if he doesn't take responsibility for his own education.

It's not normal when you place it in the context of his other behaviour.

If he has dyslexia or a language processing disorder and it goes unaddressed, it can lead to alienation from school, and there are myriad other issues that can spring from that.

It couldn't hurt to have this boy assessed for dyslexia or issues with language processing. If testing indicates no problem, then the OP can treat this situation as a behavioural problem and plough ahead with rewards/ sanctions, and hope he matures a bit.

But if he does have dyslexia or a language processing disorder, addressing the problem will probably turn this boy around.

I think it was @Waterballoons who said aversion to reading is usually the result of peer pressure in some sections of society or what happens when nobody in the home reads or advocates for reading. That is very likely true on a general level, but I do not see evidence of that sort of environment or attitude in the OP's post. In fact, there is a lot of shame in her posts - clearly she has expectations of decent behaviour and a positive attitude to school on the part of her son - and she mentioned the aversion to reading as a problem.

Language processing disorders can affect comprehension of verbal or written language, or both, and organisation and expression of thoughts or arguments. Difficulties often become apparent when a student is required to tackle literature that has a lot of figurative language or complex sentence structure (the typical Victorial novel or Shakespeare play, or the poetry you find on GCSE Eng Lit courses) or more technical language (what you'd find in physical geography, or a history module on the Long Parliament). When students are expected to produce essays or articulate complex answers to questions that may have a good deal of nuance, there is nowhere to hide.

Kids behave badly as we all know teenagers need boundaries and discipline . I personally think there is too much focus on ADHD and Autism now and it's used as an excuse or reason for poor behaviour. I do understand some kids are and can mask it but even finding the kids do have these conditions doesn't mean behaviour will change . If someone does have ADHD or autism this will change their life and cause many problems there isn't a fix and they may require a lot of support. My son went through a very thorough assessment at 3 years old and 4 years old then 6 for autism . It has meant a life of support, struggles and discrimination. He is very able and has a high IQ , very high . Try rules first before a disability

The OP may feel shame but how are you not familiar with the fact that teenagers are more influenced by their peer group then their parents –. Loads don’t read. Loads of parents don’t read either yet somehow expect their kids will. It always amused me when I saw the parents at my kids’ school moaning about their children not reading, when they literally didn’t have a book on their shelves. Again, this isn’t necessarily a disorder. It’s a product of a society that no longer values reading and being a normal teenager with a far more alluring PlayStation and phone.

I don’t think anyone is saying this situation (the lack of reading and other behaviour) is necessarily a disorder @gladtidingss. They are saying a condition like adhd might be at least part of what’s going on and it’s time to check. Well time. Emphasis on the might.