Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Awful parent’s evening

263 replies

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 07:15

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

OP posts:
Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 22:02

I just don't get why you wouldnt try this stuff at least for a few weeks, why not?!

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2025 22:05

That all sounds good steps op. Look into adhd management techniques in the meantime. Body doubling is the big one to help a child. But it’s very intensive with your time- basically you stay doing something with him. So you work next to him while he’s doing homework, you clean his room with him.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 22:07

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2025 22:05

That all sounds good steps op. Look into adhd management techniques in the meantime. Body doubling is the big one to help a child. But it’s very intensive with your time- basically you stay doing something with him. So you work next to him while he’s doing homework, you clean his room with him.

I have to do that for bedroom cleaning. It's just so difficult for teens with ADHD.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
Bee23 · 28/02/2025 22:07

As an example, if a child with ADHD has forgotten something they need for school, a calculator for example, because they have impaired executive function, you could punish them for not having it, or you could have a spare one. You could shout at them for forgetting or you could help them get in the habit of checking their bag and having a routine.

The punishment will not change behaviour that is caused by the adhd. Helping to work around it with empathy and understanding will make a difference.

Strategies that help children with adhd are usually helpful for all children…

CosyLemur · 01/03/2025 15:14

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 07:15

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

He doesn't have ADHD he had teenager attitude - ADHD doesn't make you change your posture into that of a roadman, ADHD doesn't make you vape being a little undisciplined teenager does though!

Julimia · 01/03/2025 15:19

You need to talk to him put the ball in his court make it about him and not about you being upset. Why is he like this not what he is doing wrong? Don't look for a label for his behaviour but for a way out. Work on the positives , they will be there.

Julimia · 01/03/2025 15:24

Actually this needs him to want to clamp down on it fast. That's the job in hand to make him want this.

YenSon · 01/03/2025 15:25

Bikechic · 28/02/2025 07:33

I don't agree with the 'tighten up your parenting' strategy for school based issues. Find out what's going on for him at school. Get him to talk. Tell him you love him and you want him to succeed. You ve found some strategies that help with homework, maybe he needs those at school. Dont need an actual diagnosis to suggest it. Maybe some root causes and solutions can be found.
talk to the inclusion person at school.

I absolutely agree with this comment. Is he being monitored for SEND? Perhaps he needs a pupil passport or equivalent that provides strategies for children with (or suspected) ADHD.
If school are noticing these things ask them what they are doing to support these needs and ensure he is making progress in line with his peers. Your child does not need a diagnosis for reasonable adjustments and strategies. Contact the SENCO. Start building evidence of need.
If you can, pay for a private assessment.

I have a teenage ADHDer who is also on the pathway for ASD, is demand avoidant, highly anxious and also has dyslexia. He is now not able to attend school due to poor mental health around not having his needs met quickly enough I’m school. Ignore the parenting comment. Parenting neurodivergent children needs different strategies than parenting neurotypical children.

sarah419 · 01/03/2025 15:28

How old is he? Please check out Gabor Maté’s book on parenting, especially on parenting teenagers.

Both parents need to strengthen their attachment, as maintaining a strong emotional connection is crucial even as teens seek independence.

Maté warns against excessive peer orientation, where teenagers prioritise peer approval over parental guidance, which can lead to emotional instability. He encourages parents to stay present, be emotionally available, and set compassionate boundaries, rather than resorting to punishment or control.

He also highlights the importance of understanding teenagers’ emotions, fostering trust and open communication, and ensuring they feel safe and supported at home.

Toolatenotdone · 01/03/2025 15:34

Quinlan · 28/02/2025 08:18

All of that is also called puberty, not ADHD. And he really does sound like a teen boy who is just pretending he’s a bit of a thug; the posture, swagger, the vaping, the attitude.

What is his friend group like? How does he speak about the teachers and the school?

You are going to have to do some parenting here, not just blame (undiagnosed) ADHD which you seem to have managed to only see now that he is turning into a teenage boy behaving like a bit of a thug teenage boy.

Show quote history

Don’t you think it’s possible for teenagers to have adhd as well as being teenagers?
It’s something to consider, and assess for, at least.

Parenting is by necessity different when neurodivergence is involved. Parenting strategies often need to be adjusted and that can take a while to figure out.
The blame game doesn’t help struggling parents at all btw.

Holliegee · 01/03/2025 15:35

He’s 14, he’s full of hormones he’s full of attitude, so many of his peers will be the same - so many of their parents will feel the same too.
Another school won’t stop him being 14 either
An ADHD diagnosis won’t change this either, if he can concentrate on a guitar lesson and on a PlayStation game it’s not concentration that’s at fault.
Hes not a child not yet quite a man so still has to earn his rewards and pay for consequences.
He knows what the teachers were going to say and he knows what your reactions were going to be.
So parents evening wasn’t so great, how are we going to fix that? What does ge want to do? What are his future hopes?
Sit down chat with him and work out a plan, encourage him to look for a part time after school job.
Give him some responsibility and see what he messes up - you cannot force him to study you can give him the tools and dangle the carrot.

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:38

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 07:15

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

if he has adhd, this should have been blatantly obvious since age 1 or so. I‘M not sure how it is that you didn’t know this. He didn’t just develop adhd. Didn’t the school get in touch before parents’ evening about this beforehand, like when it started? I’m finding it difficult to understand how this all happened and you didn’t know about it

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 15:41

gladtidingss · 28/02/2025 11:11

I also despair for the future reading the nonsense from the don't punish him, ADHD gang and their rejection sensitiviy dysphoria bollocks - what does that mean, you don't like rejection Newsflash: none of us do. We simply can't carry on this way with everyone pathologising everything and seeing themselves and their offspring as in need of special treatment. Schools can't function, teachers are leaving in droves because .

His behaviour is not "classic ADHD" it is "classic teenage boy". He;ll probably grow out of it but if you give him a label to excuse himself he won't have any reason even to try. You need to be a stricter parent and you should have called him out. Own it.

Wow, the most ignorant comment I’ve read on here in a while

Northernladdette · 01/03/2025 15:41

Sounds normal to me, I wouldn’t move him, in my experience, he’ll just take his issues with him to a new school.
Regards the toilet pass, are you sure he won’t use this to get out of lessons for a vape?

Toolatenotdone · 01/03/2025 15:45

gladtidingss · 28/02/2025 11:35

An ADHD diagnosis is entirely subjective, there is no "threshold to be passed" - you answer questions like Are you often inattentive, which it's easy to say yes to - especially if you're a teenage boy. There are A LOT of quacks out there who will give the diagnosis to anyone who pays and a lot of more scrupulous doctors who are nonetheless badgered by parents into giving the diagnosis to get them off their backs. Just remember if you do get your diagnosis it might help you excuse your child's behaviour short term but it won't help you work on any strategies to cope with their failings (and all children have failings), you'll just be putting your child on drugs with side effects potentially for life.

My DC had an objective Qb test as part of the adhd assessment. The person being assessed has to click a mouse in response to shapes on a computer screen while wearing a motion sensing headband.

So testing was not entirely subjective.

https://eput.nhs.uk/media/y2ibqx2o/qb-testing-information-leaflet-for-parents.pdf

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 15:47

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:38

if he has adhd, this should have been blatantly obvious since age 1 or so. I‘M not sure how it is that you didn’t know this. He didn’t just develop adhd. Didn’t the school get in touch before parents’ evening about this beforehand, like when it started? I’m finding it difficult to understand how this all happened and you didn’t know about it

Show quote history

Because people can manage symptoms until certain areas of their lives. I managed in primary but not secondary and hormones play a big part, I’m now peri menopausal and the impact is huge again.

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:50

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 15:47

Because people can manage symptoms until certain areas of their lives. I managed in primary but not secondary and hormones play a big part, I’m now peri menopausal and the impact is huge again.

Show quote history

It’s very evident to anyone who knows about it. I always find it perplexing when parents don’t see this stuff. I’m shocked the school haven’t raised this before. I guess it depends on the school

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:51

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 15:41

Wow, the most ignorant comment I’ve read on here in a while

Show quote history

Well I think there is a large element on truth in it tbh

Pootlemcsmootle · 01/03/2025 15:53

It could be puberty OP, especially the way he changed his demeanour immediately when he walked through the school gates. I think you need to have a lot of chats with him to understand exactly what going on there.

We have boxing gloves at home, and our son uses them a lot especially if he has a bad day at school. He has to get out all the hormones. He's a lovely boy but can get Kevin the teenager-y as much as any other kid! I think it's great to give them an outlet.

accidentalteacher · 01/03/2025 15:57

He's 14. He wants street cred. He wants to impress his friends. Do you know his friends? Be careful of giving him a label which is actually a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. I have had many students in resit GCSE English like this. After a couple of years they turn into normal people.

MumWifeOther · 01/03/2025 15:59

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 07:26

Yes he has pretty much all the traits of adhd. He can be incredibly explosive- dh and I have both had things thrown at us recently.

he plays guitar and basketball outside of school so that’s good, and we play board games etc with him. He hates reading. If he had his way he would be on his phone or he PlayStation all day but we don’t allow that.

What are the reprecussions when he does these things?

What do your weekends look like? Does he come home to a parent and do you have any family time together? Does he talk to you or your husband and do you share means together and have time to bond?

Toolatenotdone · 01/03/2025 16:01

An ADHD diagnosis won’t change this either, if he can concentrate on a guitar lesson and on a PlayStation game it’s not concentration that’s at fault.

That’s not how ADHD works though @Holliegee. It’s entirely possible he can concentrate or hyperfocus on a computer game and still struggle a lot more than most with schoolwork. That presentation is entirely consistent with adhd, though it does sound odd to people who haven’t experience of the condition.

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 16:01

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:50

It’s very evident to anyone who knows about it. I always find it perplexing when parents don’t see this stuff. I’m shocked the school haven’t raised this before. I guess it depends on the school

Show quote history

I didn’t see it with my adult son and it wasn’t mentioned at school until he was 12, my mum had no clue me and my sister were on the spectrum she just thought we were hyper, wild and tomboys. As I was hyper and a day dreamer but very well behaved in primary and then went off the rails in secondary. It can present very differently in people so if he was managing ok up until now most people don’t go for diagnosis’s

Harry12345 · 01/03/2025 16:02

Holliegee · 01/03/2025 15:35

He’s 14, he’s full of hormones he’s full of attitude, so many of his peers will be the same - so many of their parents will feel the same too.
Another school won’t stop him being 14 either
An ADHD diagnosis won’t change this either, if he can concentrate on a guitar lesson and on a PlayStation game it’s not concentration that’s at fault.
Hes not a child not yet quite a man so still has to earn his rewards and pay for consequences.
He knows what the teachers were going to say and he knows what your reactions were going to be.
So parents evening wasn’t so great, how are we going to fix that? What does ge want to do? What are his future hopes?
Sit down chat with him and work out a plan, encourage him to look for a part time after school job.
Give him some responsibility and see what he messes up - you cannot force him to study you can give him the tools and dangle the carrot.

Honestly I can’t get over the ignorance, most people with adhd can hyper focus for hours on things that interest them

RominaDina · 01/03/2025 16:05

Bikechic · 28/02/2025 07:33

I don't agree with the 'tighten up your parenting' strategy for school based issues. Find out what's going on for him at school. Get him to talk. Tell him you love him and you want him to succeed. You ve found some strategies that help with homework, maybe he needs those at school. Dont need an actual diagnosis to suggest it. Maybe some root causes and solutions can be found.
talk to the inclusion person at school.

He's vaping as well.

Swipe left for the next trending thread