Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

But parents aren’t usually experts on neurodivergence? Why is it perplexing?
Particularly in an only child or an eldest child, things that may indeed be obvious to experts are often missed.

Traits of ND can become much more apparent as a child grows and their environment becomes more complex and demands greater too. So they can become increasingly out of step with peers as they grow, and what was there all along becomes obvious then.

The school should have noticed though and raised it as an issue before now, I agree.

Oh it’s constant. My kid can’t behave himself so he much have ADHD … blame some kind of mental health issue rather than parenting. Is ADHD making him vape too??? Unbelievable 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Lots of people are ignorant about neurodivergence, that can be very hard on parents whose kids are affected @BuildbyNumbere. Just so you know.

OP’s DC doesn’t have a diagnosis, but it’s a distinct possibility here and shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand by those who consider themselves better parents than the rest of us 🤷‍♀️

Give the boy a chance for heavens sake.

We had this with out middle son, continued into college this year - attendance was shocking but funnily enough he can get up on time for his Saturday job so we've just kicked him out - he can waste his life somewhere else.

Sorry you’re struggling. He sounds exactly like my step-son. Lovely boy but can’t stay put in school, plus he’s getting into the vaping and “looking ‘ard” to fit in with the boys at school. It’s so hard for boys at that age as it’s an intense period of establishing yourself in the male heirarchy. Harder when you’re ND.

I would definitely get an adhd assessment. Honestly I don’t think you can do much about the vaping. I clearly remember that age telling my parents what they wanted to hear but what really mattered was fitting in. And I’m not a boy. Just make sure he knows the dangers and that you really don’t approve. There are programs about the dangers you can find online.

Getting angry and punishing will just make him pull away more. A 14 year old has no nuance, he’ll just think you’re against him. Support, support, support.

Wow parent of the year, well done 👏

JFC.

ADDitude can be helpful resource - website, podcasts.
There are some common conditions which can co-exist with adhd and also over emotional responses to “rejection / disappointment “ gastric /ibs/hyper mobility which affects guts.

Also:
Imagine yourself inside the adhd person — constant criticism to tell you to stop doing things you cannot control and/or telling you are are not good enough.

A strategy I used for DS, starting when he was maybe 11 was to pull him into a hug rather than yell at him/tell him off. My idea being - prevent him from getting defensive and angry & feeling rejected and not good enough - to prevent him exploding (to scare me away). Once he feels it’s ok, I’m not angry, just want to talk it thru - he seemed to not explode. I still do this and he is 19. He knows I love and accept him. He feels it when I hug him and I think this prevents the explosions.
Try it just once … before he gets a chance to explode, pull him in and tell him it’s ok.

A difficult thing for him is comparing self to NT siblings. He is often in low moments saying “why can’t I” do what they do as easily?? It’s heartbreaking.
I do think many adhd kids get negative feedback & rejection all day. It has to have an impact.

The siblings also get angry that I don’t yell at him, but I do yell at them … too bad.

Slightly against the grain but I wouldn’t withdraw/punish him by stopping him doing things as it’s great he’s still engaging in things like basketball.
We’ve found the ‘punishments’ don’t work, they just make ours more angry, withdrawn. We have a set of things that are non negotiable, they have to be done and then he kind of gets a free pass on other things like coming out with us etc if he doesn’t feel like it.

The criterion for deciding is subjective

If you suspect ADHD, clear rewards and consequences are especially helpful. Make sure you notice and vocalise when things are going right as well as wrong.

It's good to see that you limit screen time already as I don't think it does anything to help attention and focus. Encourage working with pen and paper where possible (if your school encourages using a device, you can still probably ask about the possibility of working on pen and paper where possible at home and uploading a photo).

An earlier PP made a good suggestion about encouraging hobbies and leisure activities that take longer rather than offering instant gratification. It's great that he is learning an instrument. Are there any opportunities for playing in a band etc., either through school or something else local?

I agree and I have a child with the severe end of ADHD, most of the more medical literature talks about very firm and consistent boundaries. You let a lot more go than you would with neurotypical kids, but bad behaviour at school, disrespecting adults etc. are a big no. It is not easy at all though. You are your husband need to work out what your red lines are and enforce them for everyone’s well being.

So your son's testing boundaries and your all jumping to ADHD ..classic .. if he had ADHD sighs would of been there before now

And maybe they were.

Why do people want to be " different" What can't they just be fed up or disenchanted or growing or tired or lazy?

I know!! Unbelievable

It is would HAVE been there - not would have. 🙄

I guess I just assume that parents know that there is something up with their child before they turn 14. There is Google if not sure

I can tell you now he's struggling much more than you are! Ask him what would help, advocate hard for him and have him know you are there for him.

This sounds just like my son was through secondary school. Things improved once he left school, when he was doing something he wanted to do and is interested in. He is now a very hard worker and pleasant boy at 18 years old. School wasn’t his thing. He just managed to get the required GCSE grades for maths and English by having extra tuition and the unthinkable thought of having to re take them again hanging over him. Everything else was a write off but it didn’t matter in his case. He had a good head of year who would do her best to steer him. It was a horrible time, nothing much worked. Being on his case all the time just made things worse so I tried picking my battles. I’m fairly sure things will improve in time. School isn’t for everyone, and it definitely doesn’t mean they are going to fail in life if they leave with nothing. Hang in there.

Because we now understand there are reasons behind these behaviours. Human knowledge has evolved.

You've got to draw a line under that behaviour at some point or they'll just continue taking the pee.

I think you need to tackle the aversion to reading as a matter of extreme urgency.

Have him assessed for dyslexia and language processing disorders.
Executive function issues too.

If it turns out he has dyslexia or a language processing disorder, get a tutor who understands these issues. He likely has ground to make up and will need a solid foundation heading into the exam cycle.

Dyslexia and language processing (reading/ comprehension) issues can torpedo self esteem and lead to depression, shame, and attempts to hide the weakness through braggadocio/ swagger/ insolence, and also self medication and avoidance via gaming. Addiction is obviously an associated danger.

Kids whose dyslexia / language processing disorder goes undiagnosed can keep up in primary and the early secondary years, but can fall behind as they progress through secondary as the pace of work picks up, and where there is complex material to read and digest in literature, where material in subjects like history or geography requires mastery of technical details and a high degree of comprehension, and STEM subjects require higher level comprehension skills too as well as being able to follow abstract concepts presented in written form.

Realizing the work is getting to be too difficult can be a blow to a student's self-image and ability to see himself in the future, in an environment where results matter. A sense of foreshortened future can be devastating.

Dyslexia / language processing disorders can be a stand-alone issue or can present as part of a broader picture of neurodiversity.

Lots of teenage boys (and girls) hate reading. Stop pathologising normal behaviour

Yes, but you need to look at the bigger picture.

A happy, sporty child who’s not particularly fond of reading…no worries.

A child like OP describes…hating reading is just part of a number of issues and he doesn’t seem happy. He’s struggling. Explosive, angry, distracted, can’t focus, in pain with stomach issues also. It’s obvious both at home and at school.
That’s a very different type of situation and he needs support now.

I agree. Be his safe space. It’s obvious he feels he has to ‘mask’ at school