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Original poster

Looking for advice and tips please. How to support ‘gentle parenting’ when children visit us?

165 replies

Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 18:53

DS & his partner (DiL) are committed to ‘gentle parenting’ her three children.

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

They visit us quite frequently and we are wanting to support their approach.

I've noticed and DiL has discussed that the DC’s are not put into situations beyond their level of understanding and behaviour ( I think I have that right) so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers.
DiL and DS are very good at preempting with explanations and time for the children to think and act, so ‘ think about how far it is to the ground, before you jump off’.

Any tips please for when they come to us or when we take them out? Or maybe I'm overthinking and rules apply in our house.

OP posts:
Msmoonpie · 25/02/2025 19:00

Im not sure what you mean by gentle parenting.

Regardless if it was my house it would be my rules - quite often children who can’t behave at home suddenly learn to when faced with someone who won’t accept bad behaviour.

frozendaisy · 25/02/2025 19:02

I wouldn’t get involved OP.
Gentle parenting can be utterly insane. You will never get it right, because some of it really doesn’t make sense or help anyone.

Enjoy their visits, remember you brought up DS so you must have got something right. And on occasion watch the insanity unfold around you.

Good luck!

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:03

How much do you know these children? I’m surprised that you think you will be taking 3 very young children out.

For now just focus on basic grandparent behaviour, child proof your house before they come ie remove this to a higher height which maybe breakable, get some age appropraite toys, books and few low mess arts and crafts and get their favourite food and snacks.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Soontobe60 · 25/02/2025 19:04

She sounds all kinds of flaky IMO. But nothing good will come of commenting about it. Poor kids!

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:04

Gentle parenting is about acknowledging children’s emotions and being clear about boundaries in advance. Ask son and dil for advice.

TwentyTwentyFive · 25/02/2025 19:05

so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers

What kind of batshittery is this? How can a garden have too many dangers, that children can't play in it presumably supervised by adults?

I'd honestly not get involved. I suspect you're going to end up walking on eggshells over everything!

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:06

TwentyTwentyFive · 25/02/2025 19:05

so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers

What kind of batshittery is this? How can a garden have too many dangers, that children can't play in it presumably supervised by adults?

I'd honestly not get involved. I suspect you're going to end up walking on eggshells over everything!

Edited

I don’t know, 3 very young children and ponds wouldn’t mix well unless you have more than one adult supervising.

Snorlaxo · 25/02/2025 19:10

I would ask that they are always around the supervise because an accident like the kids falling over will end up as a massive deal. Imagine being interrogated about why you put them in a situation “beyond their understanding “

NDHz · 25/02/2025 19:10

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:04

Gentle parenting is about acknowledging children’s emotions and being clear about boundaries in advance. Ask son and dil for advice.

Yes. It’s just this. And it’s not new. We did gentle parenting with our kids who are now late teens.

It’s about speaking to a child respectfully in language they can understand. Explaining things to them, so they understand rules and why they are in place, rather than just laying down the law. Not routinely shouting at them. Not using fear or coercion as methods of control.

The benefits for both child and parent are better communication and mutual respect.

NDHz · 25/02/2025 19:11

I also think you have misunderstood about the garden.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/02/2025 19:11

TwentyTwentyFive · 25/02/2025 19:05

so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers

What kind of batshittery is this? How can a garden have too many dangers, that children can't play in it presumably supervised by adults?

I'd honestly not get involved. I suspect you're going to end up walking on eggshells over everything!

Edited

Spot on. Unless your garden has a lake full of sharks and a pack of wolves roaming free and you'd be sending the children out there alone, this seems absurd.

Sprogonthetyne · 25/02/2025 19:16

TwentyTwentyFive · 25/02/2025 19:05

so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers

What kind of batshittery is this? How can a garden have too many dangers, that children can't play in it presumably supervised by adults?

I'd honestly not get involved. I suspect you're going to end up walking on eggshells over everything!

Edited

I think it's not so much the physics can't play there and more that there wouldn't be much enjoyment if the parents had to spend the whole time trying to redirect the DC. For instance if there was a high drop/fall or uncovered pond that they had to repeatedly remind small kids to stay away. Both kids and parents will feel like they spent the whole time 'getting at them', so would rather have them play somewhere safe, where everyone can relax and they can safely allow the kids more freedom.

Saz12 · 25/02/2025 19:17

I understand ponds, stone terracing, and rusty metal being risky. Also, possibly some plants (laburnum, yew). Weedkiller, slug pellets, etc. But imo nothing that decent supervision wouldn't prevent.

However, they are not my children, so not my decision. I think you need to ask for very clear boundaries /rules.

Original poster
Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 19:23

Thank you, some interesting thoughts.

We haven't taken them anywhere alone @Squeakpopcorn but would hope to build up to this, to help out. We talked of a five minute trip to the park across the road, suggested as ‘we are going, do you want to come’ and build from there, of course with DiL on board. The first visits the adults could be with us, if that is needed in transition.
We do have craft things, large lens, paper etc. With the pens DS/DiL were apprehensive that the DC’s would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper.

The garden seemed to be about them helping us with ‘jobs’. My DC’s would plant seeds with me, sweep, water. DS/DiL thought this was too much an ask as the DC’s are not ready to be appropriate and careful.
Left to me I would have modelled, guided and let them try. There would need to be some expectations in that though ( like we don't throw all of the seeds all over the garden).

This is helpful in thinking this through, thanks!

OP posts:
PensionMention · 25/02/2025 19:26

Let them do the parenting and stand back.

I would ask if they wanted to bring the kids food or what they would like you to provide food and drink wise.

TwentyTwentyFive · 25/02/2025 19:26

Honestly from your update she sounds completely bonkers.

They can't draw because they might not draw on the paper?

The can't plant seeds because they are not ready?

How on earth will they learn to do anything?

I appreciate you love your son but I genuinely don't see how you can do anything here and build a relationship with such strict rules.

curious79 · 25/02/2025 19:29

5 years old, or even 3, and not allowed to run around the garden. What a nightmare! Kids love the outdoors.

Anyway, if you want to support their gentle parenting methodology you need to be aware this means never saying no, only asking the child to do what they're willing to do, and not raising your voice. Which could be problematic when little Willow decides to finger paint poo dinosaurs on your wall, or tiny Noah decides he never wants to wear trousers to school / outside generally etc etc.

see why not to do it:
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/gentle-parenting-millennials-parenting-gen-alpha-saying-no-emotions-b2468450.html

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:30

Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 19:23

Thank you, some interesting thoughts.

We haven't taken them anywhere alone @Squeakpopcorn but would hope to build up to this, to help out. We talked of a five minute trip to the park across the road, suggested as ‘we are going, do you want to come’ and build from there, of course with DiL on board. The first visits the adults could be with us, if that is needed in transition.
We do have craft things, large lens, paper etc. With the pens DS/DiL were apprehensive that the DC’s would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper.

The garden seemed to be about them helping us with ‘jobs’. My DC’s would plant seeds with me, sweep, water. DS/DiL thought this was too much an ask as the DC’s are not ready to be appropriate and careful.
Left to me I would have modelled, guided and let them try. There would need to be some expectations in that though ( like we don't throw all of the seeds all over the garden).

This is helpful in thinking this through, thanks!

I’m a gentle parent and I’ sorry to say they have wandered into bat shittery crazy land. Some parents misunderstand gentleparenting and your son and dil seem to be in that camp.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/02/2025 19:31

would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper.

Right... This sounds about five kinds of crackers.

OP, there probably are gentle parents out there who are, as PP said, all about building mutual understanding etc etc. Ime there are a far greater number of ineffectual parents who shout "gentle parenting!" to anyone who'll listen while simply parenting very badly and ending up with children who act out in desperate search for boundaries.

With friends/acquaintances, I'd run a mile (and do). In your circs, just keep an open mind, but be prepared for more meetups outside the home / with DIL bringing things for them if everything you suggest is liable to be wrong or inappropriate in her view.

TillyTrifle · 25/02/2025 19:31

This is absolutely bizarre! So they can’t do drawing because no adult is allowed to tell them to draw on the paper and not the walls? Sorry but this is lunacy. I would keep a very careful distance, attempting to care for the children of someone like this will never end well. You will do completely normal ‘grandparent’ type activities and have it thrown back at you. I wouldn’t dream of being responsible for the children of someone like this, you need to protect yourself.

curious79 · 25/02/2025 19:31

One very strong research finding is that children given tasks / jobs early on grow in a lot of confidence. It makes sense.

Wildflowers99 · 25/02/2025 19:32

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 19:04

Gentle parenting is about acknowledging children’s emotions and being clear about boundaries in advance. Ask son and dil for advice.

She’s not acknowledging their emotions in getting her new boyfriend to play dad to her 2 year old. It doesn’t surprise me, faddy parenting is usually used to paper over cracks.

PensionMention · 25/02/2025 19:35

How quickly did she let your DS meet her children?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/02/2025 19:35

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

With the pens DS/DiL were apprehensive that the DC’s would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper.

How on earth are the children who are now 3, 5 and 6 coping at school/nursery/preschool? Please say they're not homeschooled to ensure they're not asked to do anything they're not 'ready' to try.

jay55 · 25/02/2025 19:37

Sounds utterly oppressive, anxiety lead and not gentle at all.

Best of luck.