Looking for advice and tips please. How to support ‘gentle parenting’ when children visit us?

[Merie1980]

DS & his partner (DiL) are committed to ‘gentle parenting’ her three children.

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

They visit us quite frequently and we are wanting to support their approach.

I've noticed and DiL has discussed that the DC’s are not put into situations beyond their level of understanding and behaviour ( I think I have that right) so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers.
DiL and DS are very good at preempting with explanations and time for the children to think and act, so ‘ think about how far it is to the ground, before you jump off’.

Any tips please for when they come to us or when we take them out? Or maybe I'm overthinking and rules apply in our house.

It doesn't matter what I think though does it.
The LO’s are parented this way regardless of me or what I might think. It isn't how I brought my children up, we had more rules, though I did model expectations, play alongside etc. - which is why I'm asking here.

Are they badly behaved?…sometimes, sometimes not, like most children. They are not destructive but find it hard to play with each other. They want to do what they want to do. If I suggested, say, a different toy or activity to their choice, they would not be easy to persuade.

My ‘mantra’ isn't, it is observations if what I see or example that I am sharing so that others can advise me, give me an understanding so that I can do the right things.

I do think there is a gap between home expectations and school, where there are rules to follow along with everyone else.

Children don't shrivel up like heated plastic if they are shouted at now and again. If they do something wrong, something that they knew was wrong but did anyway, then sometimes shouting at them is the way to show them that you REALLY REALLY disapprove.

All the sitting down and explaining stuff can work for some kids. It would have worked nicely for one of mine. Sadly she was one of five, and the other four kids would have been feral if I hadn't come down very hard on much of their behaviour. So she wasn't gently parented, she was parented en masse with her siblings. There was much raucous behaviour, many falls out of trees and things left switched on, but everyone survived and grew up to be a pleasant member of society.

It doesn't matter what I think though does it

Yes it does. Because you said they visit frequently and while she is allowed to have rules, you also are allowed to have rules about appropriate behaviour in your home.

Do they respect the rules in your home?

I was responding to being asked about what I think about the approach, which doesn't matter as it isn't my choice in the bigger picture.

I am trying to learn, so that I have a better understanding. I think my horror was the incident I mentioned with a pan near the glass hob…i could see what was about to happen and even though I removed the pan, it wasn't removed far enough or with enough clarity about rules or consequences of the pan smashing down, that it nearly happened a second time.

My DC’s would have had a strong warning. These children, didn't. I wondered if I was at fault because I'd created the chance for them to (possibly) smash our hob in that this was beyond their understanding. 😵‍💫

Hope GF isn’t using gentle contraception.

I have missed the post about the stove.

How did you create the chance for them to smash your hob? Were you cooking with them? Or were they messing about while you were cooking? Where was their mother in this?

What happened with the hob op? I don't think you have mentioned that before

Apologies, I thought I had! ( and @EnchantedForestNearTheRiver

A near miss, nothing broken, but made me think.
Child on the stool, eating at the island. Pan picked off the rack, held high, I removed the pan from the child’s hand, with a ‘let’s move this away, if you drop it the hob will smash’. Removed the pan, for the child to move along and repeat. No other adults reacted.

Maybe that is a situation presented that the child wasn't ready to understand. They don't have a glass hob at home. We should have removed all of the pans or encouraged the child to sit elsewhere.

It is really tricky.

were apprehensive that the DC’s would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper

Surely the children are told that they only draw on paper?

I'm not sure what's UNgentle about that

I'd keep out of it, OP. Just do whats asked of you

I don't think they're was a need for the other adults to react. You handled it.
I would have expected their mother to spot it was about to happen again and prevent it though.

This reminds me of a family that I know who are all neurodivergent. The children get long explanations that are totally ineffective and the children either switch off or don't understand.
Eventually things escalate and all the other parents who have tried to be understanding become frustrated when someone gets hurt or something gets damaged. You can feel the tension in the meantime.

One time one of the children picked up my daughter's phone and their patent tools them to put it down. They instead threw it and thankfully it was ok. There was nothing forthcoming other than 'I meant put it down' and a short of chuckle. The kid needed to be told in that situation that they could have broken it. Someone needs to communicate more effectively with those children and repeat repeat repeat as it's making people not want to include them in social groups so doing them a massive disservice.

Well moving to pick the pan up, having just been told not to and why, is naughty. Whether this was the 3, 5 or 6 year old, an adult had just (nicely) told them no and they ignored and went to do it again. Surely you can see this?

It’s not about “being ready” to understand, it’s about children who are not prepared to listen to adults or to do as they are asked / told and whose parents have chosen not to take any sort of approach where the child is told “no” and it’s meant.

I think your son will come to regret this fast track into this relationship when he finds his life ruled by and over ruled by 3 children who can’t be told no.

For you OP I suggest taking the approach of “my house, my rules”. Not to be horrible or shouty but take a firm kind approach to saying no and finding interesting supervised activities that will engage them. This whole overthinking approach is doomed and sounds utterly draining.

Thanks for the above. I have been given lots of information to help.

I think I was worried about ‘overstepping’ and not supporting thus family’s approach.

We should have removed all of the pans or encouraged the child to sit elsewhere.

Did your dil say that or is that your own thoughts?

There seems to be a lot of silly noise about coats and risks and absolutely nothing about things that matter. A shattered glass hob could have seriously hurt them and I would not be happy with a guest passively watching their child being naughty and not correcting them. It’s not fair on you.

Are you expected to rearrange your home, entertain them and correct them? Does your dil think she’s on a break when she visits?

I support other parents in the way they want to parent but I also take the approach of my house my rules. Parents who don’t respect that aren’t welcome.

If this is a well established pattern and they are not being respectful in your house I would cut down on the visits. I also wouldn’t get involved in taking them out because I couldn’t be arsed walking on eggshells and honestly I wouldn’t want to encourage the visits.

Have you discussed their behaviour with your son?

We should have removed all of the pans or encouraged the child to sit elsewhere.

They are my thoughts, inline with what I think I know about the ‘gentle parenting’ approach.

But actually common sense, if I think about it, to keep the children safe.

I think you're over thinking things.

The moment he went to get the second pan, is when he should have been moved away.