Looking for advice and tips please. How to support ‘gentle parenting’ when children visit us?

[Merie1980]

DS & his partner (DiL) are committed to ‘gentle parenting’ her three children.

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

They visit us quite frequently and we are wanting to support their approach.

I've noticed and DiL has discussed that the DC’s are not put into situations beyond their level of understanding and behaviour ( I think I have that right) so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers.
DiL and DS are very good at preempting with explanations and time for the children to think and act, so ‘ think about how far it is to the ground, before you jump off’.

Any tips please for when they come to us or when we take them out? Or maybe I'm overthinking and rules apply in our house.

Gentle parenting does involve saying no, it’s an important part of it but it’s mean you understand and really empathise with their emotions.

Do the elder gc go to school , if so I doubt the staff indulge in "gentle parenting". A 5 yo understands pens and paper and it is infantilising them not to differentiate suitable activities. Not allowing outdoor play in the garden is not teaching boundaries and risk assessment.

From your updates, either you are misunderstanding them, or (as others have suggested) they are not actually doing gentle parenting but have made up their own (somewhat worrying) version.

I know sod all about this but are 'gentle' parents really insinuating that the rest of us don't understand and empathise with our children's emotions? How patronising and insulting.

How on earth are the children who are now 3, 5 and 6 coping at school/nursery/preschool? Please say they're not homeschooled to ensure they're not asked to do anything they're not 'ready' to try.

I was wondering this. Sounds to me like mum isn't 'ready' for them to start growing up.

Kids need rules and boundaries, it sounds like your DiL is a permissive parent rather than a gentle one. Most nice mums are gentle parents by default but saying they're too young to not draw on things is permissive and allowing if bad behaviour. My DD is 3 and has always known pens go on paper. She drew on the wall once, I told her no, we cleaned it together, never happened again.
As for your position I would just stay out of it, don't parent the kids but also don't be afraid to set rules in your own home. Be a safe space for the children. Also be warned, they may turn into ungoverned lawless rascals one day because they've been parented 'gently' 😂
You sound like a lovely grandmother though, hopefully you can build up to them being with you on their own every now and then!

No, I’d say that the vast majority of parents are actually gentle parents even if they don’t label themselves as such.

But parents that routinely shout at their kids to control them, even in small things, are not gentle parents, and are not so in touch with their kids emotions.

Agreed, and this is nothing new at all.

School is a challenge, especially around the more formal learning (phonics).
DS/Dil are not worried and accept that this is something that will come in time.

There are elements of this that are really commendable. Patience, no raised voices, children who self regulate and calm themselves. They recognise there own stresses and will find a quiet space to calm, before returning.

There are lots of explanations and time to think, for instance, ‘stop and think about how cold and wet you are going to be if you step into the beck’ ( if the LO’s are not appropriately dressed, which usually they are).

Taking some adapting to!

They recognise there own stresses and will find a quiet space to calm, before returning.

That doesn't sound like a very healthy way for such young children to behave to be honest. They shouldn't be stressed so often they need strategies to manage feeling stressed.

It also doesn't sound like the children are given tools to manage situations so much as micromanaged to within an inch of their lives.

A young child will only know how cold and wet they would be if they stepped into a stream through first hand experience.

Children of 3, 5 and 6 aren’t allowed colouring pens or to play in a safe garden whilst supervised by adults? They’re stressed frequently enough that they need coping strategies? That’s really awful. Poor kids. I couldn’t stand by and support this. I don’t know how I’d handle it because I know your son is involved and it’s not the kids fault but the mum seems unwell in all honesty. Gentle parenting has nothing to do with whatever that situation is.

With the pens DS/DiL were apprehensive that the DC’s would just draw everywhere as they are not ready to listen to the rules about drawing on the paper.

How do they know the children aren't ready? My own children and grandchildren were making marks on paper as soon as they could hold a crayon/pen/paintbrush. I expect your own son was the same. What's 'gentle' about denying children the opportunity to express themselves or be creative?

It sounds to me like your DiL has a serious issue with micromanaging her children and your DS is going along with it because he's a first-time parent/step-parent and is deferring to the children's mother.

I don't envy you trying to adapt to DiL's weird parenting style (it's not gentle parenting as I know it). You'll do it of course to keep the peace and stay on good terms. I'd need a cupboard I could dive into regularly just to mutter FFS!

So this is a new relationship for your son and these are her kids?

I'd just let them get on with it. You'll be doing a lot of biting your tounge but they're not your grandbairns. I wouldn't be offering to babysit or anything just yet.

Or I'd be getting the water pistols out for the garden and the sand pit.

Stop hosting??

Not allowed in the garden wtf

They recognise there own stresses and will find a quiet space to calm, before returning.

^

They will when they're 30, yes

Seems impossible to me if she won't even allow them in the garden. I'm a my house my rules type person and my dd has already asked me for childcare (long term as military) as she knows her in laws are a pushover. That said I'm hoping she leaves military before needing ti deploy!

I feel like they have for gentle parenting mixed up with something else! It doesn’t mean you can’t have rules or boundaries.
Now allowing them pens seems really mean and will limit their fine motor skills. Surely the 5 year old uses them at school! Get some crayons and paper or the pens with the magic paper which only lets the special pens it comes with show up. Or crayola which are washable. Honestly I’ve never heard such rubbish. A 5 year old is perfectly capable of it - and they won’t learn if not allowed or taught?

Your way of thinking about the gardening is excellent. You also sound like a lovely mother in law and respecting them. I don’t know what your DIL is doing though. She needs to learn a bit about child development!

I don’t take my grand children out by themselves unless it’s just a walk around the block. I’d want a parent with me for any out of the house occasions for many reasons. Children are accident prone and I’d get panicky if something happened at such young ages. Maybe when they’re about 8 and older I might.

Patience, no raised voices, children who self regulate and calm themselves. They recognise there own stresses and will find a quiet space to calm, before returning.
There are lots of explanations and time to think, for instance, ‘stop and think about how cold and wet you are going to be if you step into the beck’ ( if the LO’s are not appropriately dressed, which usually they are).

Sounds at best boring!
No noise, no mess, everyone being calm and not making sudden movements in case the zen bubble of emotional regulation bursts!

No soil, no pens, no shivering because yes puddles in February are cold, in pyjamas but the hot chocolate tastes better afterwards.

This is all wetter than a fish's wet bits.

Yes, and think how sad it would be to see a kid with it's nose pressed to the window on a fabulous snowy day but not daring to venture out because because it's been taught that being cold and wet is bad.

This must be so hard, a fine line to tread and you sound lovely and very respectful, OP. It’s a shame they think that helping plant seeds and playing in the garden is too much but hopefully it’ll happen in time.

Sounds batshit. Children learn by doing things. My grandson was helping with all sorts of things when he was three. Baking when he was 4

My SIL is a gentle parent and in her house it essentially means no rules. My mum watched in horror at the weekend when the 4 year old had 2 ice creams for breakfast. Needless to say the 6 year old is overweight (wears age 9 clothing), has anxiety and doesn't go to school. She can't read or write. They also don't brush their teeth, or if they do, they can immediately have more ice cream after it. I honestly can't stand to be around it, it makes me so sad. They are lovely kids but when they come to mine they absolutely trash the place because they don't know how to behave. If you correct them, she absolutely glares at you.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Not ready to listen to the rules on drawing on paper. 😂 😂 😂 😂

Sorry OP that’s no help. I’m still picking myself up off the floor.

Run very fast and never be solely responsible for them. This will not end well and I suspect even some parents who consider themselves gentle parents would go this far.