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Looking for advice and tips please. How to support ‘gentle parenting’ when children visit us?

165 replies

Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 18:53

DS & his partner (DiL) are committed to ‘gentle parenting’ her three children.

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

They visit us quite frequently and we are wanting to support their approach.

I've noticed and DiL has discussed that the DC’s are not put into situations beyond their level of understanding and behaviour ( I think I have that right) so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers.
DiL and DS are very good at preempting with explanations and time for the children to think and act, so ‘ think about how far it is to the ground, before you jump off’.

Any tips please for when they come to us or when we take them out? Or maybe I'm overthinking and rules apply in our house.

OP posts:
SunsetCocktails · 26/02/2025 10:01

Why does everything have to have a friggin label these days, including parenting? Authoritarian parenting, permissive parenting, gentle parenting 🙄 I'm just a parent. End of. My kids have turned out alright.

fashionqueen0123 · 26/02/2025 10:06

Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 21:22

Is it an extreme version?

I have included how I would model and support as I did with my DC’s.

I think I am wary of setting the DC’s up for something not appropriate, let’s say the pens.
I get out the pens and large paper, model use, put in rules, ( not going off the paper, replacing lids, staying with the activity whilst pen is in hand…etc) but the DC’s are not ready to accept this and to follow them. Ink everywhere.
I'm worried DS/DiL see it that I have set the DC’s up to…fail I suppose. I've provided something not appropriate.

Maybe just over thinking, wanting to build successful relationships. Maybe it would be easier if I'd known these DC’s since birth and could have developed as they grow!

Pens are appropriate for that age though! Why does every activity need to be massively over thought about?

Picklepower · 26/02/2025 10:07

I would never take these children out without their parents. You are opening yourself up to a world of stress and you won't do anything right now matter how hard you try.

These poor kids

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

fashionqueen0123 · 26/02/2025 10:09

Merie1980 · 25/02/2025 23:05

I'm thinking I'm not being clear.

They do explore, they do play, get mucky, wet, they create. They climb, they make dens ( and slide down the sofa cushions) ….

This isn't a contained household, quite free and easy. They are supported to make choices and to consider the consequences of their actions.

A PP above asked if their behaviour is poor. I'm trying not to think that, I'm trying to understand their development and parents approach so that their behaviour is acceptable. ( yes, I think it is poor, but that is because my DC’s were brought up with more rules and expectations but as well as talk and thinking through/experiencing consequences).

Trying to explain more, the DC’s may not accept the rules about using the pens, for instance, and draw elsewhere or leave lids off. If rules were put in place the DC’s might take the huff or throw a pen. They may refuse to put the lids back on. For DiL, the error would be providing an activity that was not appropriate for the DC’s to manage, rather than DC’ need to accept the expectations/rules.

Yes to the PP above that said provide crayons or chalk rather than pens - that would be fine because little can go wrong.
Saying that, chalking outside and jumping on all of the chalks would be accepted by DS/DiL. No damage done and a learning experience in having wasted the chalks!

So damaging chalks are ok but not putting pen lids back on and setting them up for something they can’t (don’t want to) do isn’t? That’s ridiculous. Goodness I’d be exhausted as a parent thinking about this.

gettingthehangofsewing · 26/02/2025 10:13

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/02/2025 05:57

A authoritve parent would have probably told him he had to go play as we were at a park and he wasn't badly hurt . A permissive parent would have took him home when he cried, a gentle parent manages his needs and expectations but still keeps boundaries in place.

I don't understand the need to divide parents into groups and label them like this. There's a smugness about it that irks me.

I put a lot of thought into my parenting due to my son's additional needs. There's more of a need to get it right and support him to thrive because he's already on the back foot, and I have to advocate for him a lot. With my DDs i never labelled my parenting but it probably ranged between gentle/authoritative .

I think the issue is gentle parenting gets a bad rep as being airy fairy but it isn't if it's done properly, it's extremely consistent and teaches children to have emotions but to also learn boundaries. I'm quick to defend as I believe it is the best but misunderstood method but also there's nothing wrong with having a bit of a mix between styles.

Sortumn · 26/02/2025 10:55

What do the kids do at your house?

There are ways of making the child's environment feel generous and not having to say no too often without removing boundaries altogether it without having to get them to discuss and overthink things. In a few years time they'll be able to run rings around their parents after all that discussion. Or they'll be anxious over thinkers.
Rather than 'hey look, I brought you a coat anyway' or taking a spare pair of clothes so kids can get wet, they'll end up agonizing over every little detail in case they make a 'wrong' decision.

Activity wise, pens are cheap. I used to buy 3 sets at a time then if they ran out mid project there was no frustration. I found some good quality ones for about £2 per set at the range.
On the scale of things it doesn't matter if lids get left off now and again for the next few years. It takes two seconds to put them back on after an activity and kids learn gradually by doing.

Ditto chalk. We had plenty of that as it's frustrating stuff anyway and snaps.

Paint - I used to strip my youngest to her nappy and cover our kitchen floor with wallpaper lining so that we could do big stuff with the paint. Draw around her, roll things through it, do hand and foot prints etc. Another fun thing was to have big trays of paint and space hopper through it too make patterns on the grass.

Only when I had the energy mind and they knew the difference when I didn't.

It sounds like you really want the kids to have fun while at your house. These big safe projects work well - maybe not the paint. But my kids did know this was a special activity and they couldn't just 'decorate' any wall they chose.

There was a fashion for builder's trays for a while. So that mess could be limited to there.

Baking - have cupcakes ready to decorate. Be prepared that everything will be used, as that's fairly age appropriate, so don't go overboard. A large bowl of icing which is cheap plus some sprinkles will do.

Gardening - hey I've got you a special seed and a pot each - shall we see if it grows? It can stay here and I'll look after it and you can water it each time you come. (and secretly make a few extras in case one doesn't sprout). Oh you want to plant a marble? well yes, you can see if that grows too. etc. We tended to say yes to the little harmless things like that and obviously no to the bigger things.

Sortumn · 26/02/2025 11:06

gettingthehangofsewing · 26/02/2025 10:13

I put a lot of thought into my parenting due to my son's additional needs. There's more of a need to get it right and support him to thrive because he's already on the back foot, and I have to advocate for him a lot. With my DDs i never labelled my parenting but it probably ranged between gentle/authoritative .

I think the issue is gentle parenting gets a bad rep as being airy fairy but it isn't if it's done properly, it's extremely consistent and teaches children to have emotions but to also learn boundaries. I'm quick to defend as I believe it is the best but misunderstood method but also there's nothing wrong with having a bit of a mix between styles.

This is important. Kids have different needs and personalities, but they all need to feel safe and they can trust you and feel that you know what you're doing.

YesHonestly · 26/02/2025 11:15

OneWaryCat · 25/02/2025 20:47

My SIL is a gentle parent and in her house it essentially means no rules. My mum watched in horror at the weekend when the 4 year old had 2 ice creams for breakfast. Needless to say the 6 year old is overweight (wears age 9 clothing), has anxiety and doesn't go to school. She can't read or write. They also don't brush their teeth, or if they do, they can immediately have more ice cream after it. I honestly can't stand to be around it, it makes me so sad. They are lovely kids but when they come to mine they absolutely trash the place because they don't know how to behave. If you correct them, she absolutely glares at you.

Edited

That isn’t gentle parenting. It’s neglect.

Visho · 26/02/2025 11:25

I gentle parent (but don't tend to call it that because of the stereotypes on this thread) and it's definitely not new but as many have pointed out, the majority of people I hear say they do it are actually permissive parenting.

Gentle parents have firm boundaries around behaviour (e.g. not letting a child draw on the wall) but do not believe in punishing them for expressing their emotions. Gentle parenting focuses on helping them acknowledge and label their feelings while maintaining firm and predictable boundaries. It also involves setting them up for success where possible by trying not to expect more than what is developmentally normal.

E.g. imagine you need to go to the toy shop to get another child's birthday present, and you need to bring your toddler with you. We all know that a two year old will want a toy and will likely have a tantrum about it.

A permissive parent may initially say no, but will give the child the toy when they cry because they don't want them to be sad. In this way, the permissive parent is doing exactly the opposite of gentle parenting - giving them the toy to 'fix' an emotion, teaching the child that negative emotions are scary and should be avoided at all costs.

A gentle parent who really is gentle parenting will try and set them up for success. They'll make the trip after sleep/food when the child is in a good mood. They'll explain in advance what they're doing and why. They won't dilly dally in the shop longer than necessary.

If their toddler cries because they aren't getting a toy, they will respond with empathy e.g. "I know you really want a new toy but today we're getting Frank a birthday present." They'll know that it's developmentally normal for a two year old to cry and they'll simply finish up quickly and take them home. They will not buy them a toy.

There's a lot of parents, however, who instead will bundle their child into the car without bothering to think about how it's probably going to go, because the child just needs to learn that they can't get everything they want. They will drive down to the shop, ask the child to help pick the toy for the other child (something a 2 year old is going to struggle to do developmentally as they are only just learning the concept of sharing, never mind something as complex as buying a toy in a shop for another child who isn't there). Then when the toddler cries, the parent will punish them for it, calling them spoilt, telling them to stop crying or threatening that something will be taken away or they won't get any fish fingers or whatever.

My own mum was a good mum but cannot get her head around gentle parenting. When DS cries because he wants his dinosaur pyjamas instead of his digger ones, she will often say "oh how awful for you, it's so terrible" in a mocking voice. This is where we differ. I believe it's genuinely upsetting for him, because he's not experienced many upsetting things before in his life and I don't think he's being naughty when he's crying. I don't change his pyjamas but I explain that the others are in the wash so today we're wearing diggers. I give him a hug, help him identify his feeling and reassure him.

I believe the path to resilience is teaching him to understand his feelings and that they pass and I'm here for him. My mum cannot get on board with validating feelings that she feels are silly and thinks that children need to be taught what is acceptable to cry about and what's not a big deal.

I think it's fine for people to disagree with gentle parenting as a philosophy, but when they say things like "you're not allowed to say no" they're talking about permissive parenting.

What you're describing OP sounds like something else entirely. Not being allowed in the garden or to draw seems extreme and overly anxious. I actually just looked back at the ages and I'm even more confused.. I'm not sure the name for the type of parenting where children aren't allowed to go outside or draw, but us gentle parents don't want to claim them thanks.

Modernfamily2011 · 26/02/2025 11:50

ilovemoney · 26/02/2025 08:01

Hi op it may be worth bearing in mind that these are not your grandchildren and they are not your sons children. He has only known them for a year and it is very very quick in my opinion for him to move in and start actively parenting them. They have a dad and I presume two sets of grandparents already. Your son has no parental or legal responsibility to them and at such a young age I would be really concerned that if this very new relationship ends these kids lives are going to be very disrupted at a very young age when their parents have already split up. If I were you I wouldn’t be thinking about how to parent these kids I would be wary about your son taking on a big family of young children with a woman he only met a year ago and how this is all going to pan out.

Came here to say exactly the same thing! I'm so pleased someone else said it because it's irrelevant how they 'parent' the children......... They are not Grandchildren and the relationship is still very new.
Whilst the OP sounds like a lovely person trying to understand their way of parenting, in my opinion, I think she needs to take a step back and discuss this with her son, why did they move in so quickly? The children are so very young and if the relationship doesn't work out, those poor kids will be so confused

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/02/2025 12:41

If there has to be a label, how about 'non-shouty'? I think one of the problems I have with this particular label is because it makes me think of the patronising, headtilty phrase 'gentle reminder' some people use in work emails (which always filled me with murderous rage Grin) or posts I sometimes see here that start 'Gently, OP ...' and then go on to tell the OP that they've got something totally wrong.

Re the toyshop example above, my solution would be to buy the present without the toddler being present at all - either buy it online or leave toddler with other parent or get it at a time when the toddler is at nursery. Not the point, I know, but that leapt out at me!

Merie1980 · 26/02/2025 12:53

So many response and interesting thoughts thank you. You are giving me lots to consider.

To recap and for @ilovemoney and @Modernfamily2011
I did say early in the thread that I don't/they don't consider me as the grandparent, more like a family friend. I'm known by my name, just another adult in their busy lives.

I'm not going to interfere in the relationship including the DC’s. Too many MiL horror threads on here 😂. I'm happy not being the MiL!
I use the term DiL lightly anyway, on here it is easier shorthand for DS’s partner.

I have had ‘check in’s’ with my DS, in terms of ‘is he ok, how is he managing the switch from single guy to forming a relationship with a GF with three LO’s?’. I see him often alone and we have an honest relationship. He is very happy. These are professional thirty somethings who listen and talk but ultimately make their own decisions. I respect that.

DS is adapting to this too. This family already have their ways, he is learning too. Like me, it would have been easier if we had known them since babies and could have learnt about this approach to parenting, we are trying.

Thank you @Visho - your explanations make sense. This is what they are trying to achieve and what I am trying to support.

These LO’s do have loads of freedom. I keep saying they are not micromanaged, they are open to managed risks. I think my garden example is a managed risk. They can be in it if the risk is managed ( but more than just safety which is what we would all do). Managed risk in the sense of their behaviour perhaps?

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 26/02/2025 12:58

NDHz · 25/02/2025 19:10

Yes. It’s just this. And it’s not new. We did gentle parenting with our kids who are now late teens.

It’s about speaking to a child respectfully in language they can understand. Explaining things to them, so they understand rules and why they are in place, rather than just laying down the law. Not routinely shouting at them. Not using fear or coercion as methods of control.

The benefits for both child and parent are better communication and mutual respect.

That should just be called parenting, and anything else poor parenting I'd suggest. Calling it gentle parenting isn't helpful. Why would parenting be anything different than you've suggested? I know why you are saying it as there are a huge number of people who shouldn't have been allowed children.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 26/02/2025 13:30

Curious as to why your garden is so dangerous. Japanese knotweed? Alligator swamp?

EnchantedForestNearTheRiver · 26/02/2025 13:34

Are you genuinely enjoying these visits op?

It sounds stressful and I couldn’t be arsed listening to drivel about risks and choices in my own home over a couple of pens or the garden. What’s in your garden that is so dangerous that it requires these sort of ridiculous discussions?

I would meet them elsewhere like the park or a zoo then go our separate ways.
I wouldn’t offer to take them to the park either, it sounds like there needs to be a health and safety assessment first. it sounds too stressful and you are settling yourself up to be the easy place to go on a weekend or free childcare.

The pen example is ridiculous.

Treeleaf11 · 26/02/2025 13:54

How does the mum cope with them going to school/nursery?

SunsetCocktails · 26/02/2025 14:16

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 26/02/2025 13:30

Curious as to why your garden is so dangerous. Japanese knotweed? Alligator swamp?

OPs probably forgotten to tell us she lives in Florida 😂

RobinHeartella · 26/02/2025 14:44

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 26/02/2025 13:30

Curious as to why your garden is so dangerous. Japanese knotweed? Alligator swamp?

30-50 feral hogs

Merie1980 · 26/02/2025 14:53

Treeleaf11 · 26/02/2025 13:54

How does the mum cope with them going to school/nursery?

No issues with them being in school or nursery for DiL.

Any feedback from staff around DC’s behaviours or not conforming are put down to ‘not being ready’, ‘it will come in time’ or the effects of a broken nights sleep.

Definitely no alligators, too cold in the UK!😆

OP posts:
HH4432 · 26/02/2025 14:59

NDHz · 25/02/2025 19:10

Yes. It’s just this. And it’s not new. We did gentle parenting with our kids who are now late teens.

It’s about speaking to a child respectfully in language they can understand. Explaining things to them, so they understand rules and why they are in place, rather than just laying down the law. Not routinely shouting at them. Not using fear or coercion as methods of control.

The benefits for both child and parent are better communication and mutual respect.

How is this different normal parenting?

Normal parents explain things, respect kids emotions, don't shout unless strictly necessary (i.e a danger ahead) and have rules to keep them safe.

Where does the "gentle" bit come from?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/02/2025 15:00

It makes them special.

EnchantedForestNearTheRiver · 26/02/2025 16:04

Any feedback from staff around DC’s behaviours or not conforming are put down to ‘not being ready’, ‘it will come in time’ or the effects of a broken nights sleep.

I really feel your post isn’t very honest. The kids sound really badly behaved, their mum sounds nuts and I agree with others it sounds like you’re parroting mantras and pretending to be supportive when i really suspect you think it’s nuts like the rest of us.

Do you think it’s nuts?

NotSmallButFunSize · 26/02/2025 16:41

OneWaryCat · 25/02/2025 20:47

My SIL is a gentle parent and in her house it essentially means no rules. My mum watched in horror at the weekend when the 4 year old had 2 ice creams for breakfast. Needless to say the 6 year old is overweight (wears age 9 clothing), has anxiety and doesn't go to school. She can't read or write. They also don't brush their teeth, or if they do, they can immediately have more ice cream after it. I honestly can't stand to be around it, it makes me so sad. They are lovely kids but when they come to mine they absolutely trash the place because they don't know how to behave. If you correct them, she absolutely glares at you.

Edited

That's not true "gentle" parenting, that's plain old Shit Parenting.

Gentle parenting still has rules and boundaries, it's not permissive

ParmaVioletts · 26/02/2025 17:01

Op or really feel for you I can understand the premise behind this and I think a mix of everything works better than one thing usually but this sounds so extreme and like such hard work.

Boomer55 · 26/02/2025 17:33

SunsetCocktails · 26/02/2025 10:01

Why does everything have to have a friggin label these days, including parenting? Authoritarian parenting, permissive parenting, gentle parenting 🙄 I'm just a parent. End of. My kids have turned out alright.

And me,. Just be a balanced, caring parent - no need for drama. 🤷‍♀️