Looking for advice and tips please. How to support ‘gentle parenting’ when children visit us?

[Merie1980]

DS & his partner (DiL) are committed to ‘gentle parenting’ her three children.

Fairly new for us as they met a year ago when the children were 2, 4 & 5.

They visit us quite frequently and we are wanting to support their approach.

I've noticed and DiL has discussed that the DC’s are not put into situations beyond their level of understanding and behaviour ( I think I have that right) so for instance they wouldn't play in our garden because there are too many dangers.
DiL and DS are very good at preempting with explanations and time for the children to think and act, so ‘ think about how far it is to the ground, before you jump off’.

Any tips please for when they come to us or when we take them out? Or maybe I'm overthinking and rules apply in our house.

There’s something very odd about this, about the way you’re reporting everything. You sound like you’ve been brainwashed and are repeating mantras.

Presumably you brought up your DS so surely you know that much of this is absolute nonsense? These children are not being allowed to explore, to make mistakes, to challenge themselves at all.

How are these poor kids expected to grow up properly if they can't make a mess or get a bloody knee falling off a wall? 😭

Whatever that is, it isn't gentle parenting. Lots of people confuse gentle parenting with 'helicopter' parenting and 'permissive' parenting which gives gentle parents a bad rap. Unfortunately, I doubt you or anyone else can convince them otherwise so let them get on with it and try and find ways to enjoy their company that don't annoy or baffle you!

You hardly know these children and you're already planning how to "build up to" taking them out without their parents? Why? I think you should concentrate on building a respectful and trusting relationship with their mother. The key to this is to accept that different parenting approaches are inevitable and it's not necessary for you to critique or overthink this. Gentle parenting is neither new nor controversial, although it is very widely misunderstood, especially on MN where people assume it means letting them run wild and avoiding boundaries altogether.

It might be better to forget about the labels and just listen to/observe how your DIL parents, take your cue from her and just get to know the children organically rather than trying to impose a structure on the relationship.

Thanks again all. I'm not sure I have explained well enough as the comments here don't represent what I see.

Their home is very relaxed, parents are very relaxed, definitely no micromanagement - it feels the opposite - DC’s make many choices and have many freedoms, but supported by conversation and their own decisions. Kind of non confrontational.
For instance, if it is raining and the DC’s are going outside, they may not want to wear a coat or wellies. Parents will talk with them and get them to consider howwet and cold they may be. If DC’s decide to go without the appropriate clothing, then they will experience being wet and cold ( including taking into account that the DC’s might not even be bothered by this)
I suppose theory is if the DC’s don't like being cold and wet, they will make a different choice next time

When I say ‘stressed’, I mean LO’s who may be grumpy or who want to opt out. They may not want to do what is expected and make a different choice. Usual childhood stuff.

Maybe it is me that is confused. 😵‍💫

Why, I am really sorry that I seem to have upset you.

I really want the support from other parents around something that is new to me.

I have been a PP for years on here. NC’d obviously for privacy for this thread.

It all sounds bloody exhausting to be honest. They must have patience of saints.

I wouldn't reccomend trying to get them alone for a long time yet.

You sound lovely and your way of modelling and helping and letting them try also sounds lovely.

We might have done things a similar way with the coats except it they didn't bring one, I would.. I guess the idea is that kids learn from natural consequences but if they're cold and miserable it makes it difficult for everyone. Kids are very much in the moment and don't always learn.

Are they parenting in a way that avoids confrontation at all? Pens only on the table is not a hard concept for children and "I'll take that thankyou" if they insist on wandering off can be said very gently with a smile.

Sorry, didn't read back to your explanation before posting above.

No mantra, just talking about what I see and what I have picked up in conversation with DS/DiL.

Quite confused by the approach but trying to do my best. Clearly, this is a different approach ( in some ways) to how I brought up my own DC’s.

What on earth makes you think I’m upset?

You're posting as though you haven’t the first idea about bringing up children yet you’re the mother of an adult son. You’re repeating an extreme version of “gentle parenting” with zero engagement from yourself.

Very odd.

Glad I wasn’t the only person that thought this.

On a more serious note. This has to be negatively affecting their development. A lot of learning about risk and managing it is through experience not just waiting for children to reach the right age. And counter intuitively not experiencing those things can actually make children more at risk.

It sounds like there’s a lot of talking going on rather than just doing. You did say
@Merie1980 that the children can’t draw until they are “ready” to know drawing should be on paper. What do you mean by that, that you think people here haven’t understood?

Because it sounds like you couldn’t just sit them at the table with a whole load of crayons and paper to do a nice art activity because first you’d have to talk them through what it would be like if they drew on the wall and why that would be bad because it would make people sad and they would be sad too and what washable pen means and what Farrow and Ball paint means and and and … they must be so bored and possibly terrified to try anything new without having a massive discussion.

Rather than “we draw on paper, we don’t draw on walls” as a basic starter.

I don't think it's odd at all. If the OP's son is old enough to be in a relationship with a woman with three children he must be a similar age to my children, and the description of how these kids are being brought up is so different to how most parents behaved when my children were young that it is difficult to understand. It's so different from how I was brought up myself that we might be talking about a different species. If (god forbid) this happened in our family I would find it incredibly difficult to follow these 'rules' and not just be myself around these children - and I don't mean I'd want to yell at them and ignore their feelings! My children had to learn that sometimes there isn't time for a long conversation about why something should or shouldn't be done, it just has to happen. It doesn't appear to have stunted their development in any way (they're in their 30s now).

Is it an extreme version?

I have included how I would model and support as I did with my DC’s.

I think I am wary of setting the DC’s up for something not appropriate, let’s say the pens.
I get out the pens and large paper, model use, put in rules, ( not going off the paper, replacing lids, staying with the activity whilst pen is in hand…etc) but the DC’s are not ready to accept this and to follow them. Ink everywhere.
I'm worried DS/DiL see it that I have set the DC’s up to…fail I suppose. I've provided something not appropriate.

Maybe just over thinking, wanting to build successful relationships. Maybe it would be easier if I'd known these DC’s since birth and could have developed as they grow!

Read up about the ‘curiosity approach’ to learning. And show it your DS!
https://www.instagram.com/p/DGgqZFmMjFq/?img_index=1&igsh=MWlhM3M2MzA2djU0OQ==

Ah, just read your latest post.

So they are just badly behaved then? At 6 and 5 they can definitely sit nicely and draw on the paper and follow some basic rules. And 3 as well with more help. But “being ready” means “prepared to cooperate with adults” and they aren’t being taught that adults are in charge.

Buy them pencil crayons instead!

Honestly, OP, I wouldn’t get too attached to the children, however they’re parented — it’s very early days. Many people wouldn’t even have introduced their boyfriend to their very young children after a year, far less be ‘frequently’ visiting his parents as a unit. From what you say they’re living together and your DS is parenting the children? It all sounds rushed and rather ill-judged.

They would go in the stream, or out in the rain without appropriate clothing.

They have the experiences with no concerns from the parent. Part of the DC’s learning, I suppose in the hope that next time they choose to put a coat of wellies on.

I did do some of that with mine, just not for everything.

It’s not even an extreme version it’s just batshit. What you did with your son was perfect and completely normal.

Honestly I’d just get the paper and pens out. The natural consequence of not putting the lid on is the pens dry out and you don’t have all the pens you want.

I mean if not putting the lid on pens was an issue that meant children couldn’t use pens at 6 virtually no children would be doing any work on whiteboards at school at all. (And teachers would find all the white board markers worked when they handed them out 😂)

What happened to the children’s father and paternal grandparents ? Are they all on board with this approach and your son taking on full parental responsibility?
Do the children go to school/ nursery?

I'd step back and put the kettle on, be warm and friendly and let them drive their train.

I think the activities you want to do are perfectly reasonable. My 20 month old likes gardening and feeding the birds - we have a no running with the trowel rule (if she does I tell her I'm taking it away to keep everyone safe) and she tries her best to get the bird food in the feeder. Fine if a bit gets split, but if she looks like she's going to lob it everywhere then I take the cup off her. Same for sowing seeds. I think you can attempt any activity, but if you remind them of how it needs to be done (pens are for drawing on the paper) and they still can't then the next time it happens you say "you're finding it hard to keep the pens on the paper. We'll put them away for today and try again next time". No biggie.

If this is all a valid post, part of me is wondering whether these kids are particularly difficult or a handful.

I remember thinking I didn't want to go bloody anywhere because all I could envisage was a shit show with my 'spirited' child. And I decided that exact same thing - you don't want to wear the coat. Fine. You get wet, don't moan or playtime ends and I won't do that again. I understand that approach . And it's one you might see being applied to kids who are a handful. But I may be wrong.

If your garden is full of hazards and fall risks, that's just exhausting for a mum of 3. It will be a bin stop no don't, stop that, come here, especially if they are full on. I got a feeling they could be 😬😆.

My child would never do seed planting ever! But getting messy, playing with balloons, water balloons, sand, tubs full of sand in the garden, making mud pies, all that yes. I'd say most kids that age will have more fun doing this. Can you clear every single hazard in your garden, are you ok if flowers get trampled. Can you just cover that off so no one has to say no no constantly.

Remove all ornaments or things that will be knocked over in the house. This removes huge stress for mum, your son and you.

Get balloons, get music sorted, get something's that covers up a table so they can create mess. Get play doh. Get crayons and paper. They're hopefully going to love that - if mums ok with it.

If it's easy and stress free they will love this but only if you can be bothered. If you can't that's ok. But kids are not usually like Enid Blyton characters so much these days I feel.

I sense you're worried you won't do it right. Are you worried you will be punished by the son or wreck it? It's not your fault if the kids have a bad time but the above will help. You might want them gone quickly if they're exhausting. That's absolutely ok.

If you're happy to do the above then maybe ask son what he thinks about the suggestions. Ask about any allergies and food or drink requirements in case she's particular about sugary drinks etc. Then the rest you just leave them to tell you.