What do to? Operation and no childcare...

[daisydaisyrose]

Not sure if there is any solution to this, I need an operation and currently have just been told I am booked in for it in just over a week (very short notice, must have been a cancellation, I was told to expect three to six months at least!)

It will require two nights minimum in hospital and a six-eight week recovery with no driving for at least six weeks... I have zero childcare for dd7. Lone parent with old and incapable mother who would rather walk barefoot across hot coals than help me, all friends etc have their own children/work etc so can't really help either.

Any suggestions? I am going to have to call and say I can't have it, aren't I?

Hi Op please speak to the school, they might have suggestions. We had something similar and the school asked a few of us that they knew had full DBS if we could help. I was happy to have the little girl overnight - she was in my daughters class. I carried on picking her up and dropping her at home after mum was discharged but couldn't mobilise. Honestly, there will be people happy and willing to help.
You could also try a short term au pair for when you are home from the hospital or a nanny if you can afford it. Fingers crossed for you

@daisydaisyrose honestly OP- I get that you are probably a private person who doesn't want to put on others but there really are people who would like to help -personally I would ask first on a class/ school WhatsApp as it may feel less awkward than asking on a one to one - I for one would certainly help you out as would others on here -

I'd do this for any of DCs classmates, no problem. I'd ask school friends' parents. I hope it goes well.

If you post on the WA group, DON'T ask if anyone knows anyone. Just ask if anyone can help!

And remember - supposing this was the other way around, and another parent posted this on WA. I bet you would be pleased to help, and would actually enjoy it. Remember that it is really really fun and joyous to be able to help someone - it makes the giver feel great. Honestly! So don't feel bad about asking for help. Just pay it foward sometime in the future, and spread the love.

When I was in the same boat DS had to go into foster care. There was no alternative, the hospital social worker arranged it. That was years ago before services were as stretched as they are today.

You really do need to just ask some of the school parent friends. I had my oldest son’s friend and his little brother to stay for 3 week nights, so had to get all the kids up and sorted for school, keep them after school, do homework for 3 nights and 4 days so their parents could go away for their anniversary. Surely someone would do it for you to have an operation!

Whereabouts are you OP? If you are near me, I might be able to help x

Does she go to rainbows, brownies or cubs at all? All of the adults there are dbs checked and she's familiar with them. Some of them work in childcare settings and could offer direction or tag-team childcare for you in your own home since she's not used to sleepovers.

I'm sorry this is such a struggle OP. You're a village of 1 and that's hard when you're well.

From my perspective you need this OP. You've been booked in quickly so likely need it quite urgently. What difference would it being in 3 months make? You're still going to be off same amount of time. You're still going to be in hospital. All the challenges will be the same and I can't see you finding a solution that isn't available to you now.

You say no one has offered - but they probably think you have it sorted. I'd say to my friend if you need anything let me know. And I would do it. But if they didn't ask I'd assume they had asked someone else. As much as you hate it you need to ask those closest to you for help. Even just to look after your child for a couple days while you're in hospital.

Food shops you can prebook delivery slots and your daughter can help you put away. Batch cook and freeze over next couple days. Look at short term carshare or taxis for DD to school or activities. If they do next 8 weeks you'll do the 8 weeks after.

If anything it might be helpful DD is in school because then you're not having to plan holiday cover and she still has her routine.

As another poster suggested, ask on the class WhatsApp if anyone knows of any services/baby sitters/childcare options that might be able to help and see what happens, someone may offer. If you put it off now then you might find the next date you are given falls as we’re going into school holidays when you’re less likely to get someone who will help.

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you at the moment - I am lucky enough to have a DP who is often around but he's very shortly got to go overseas for a few weeks and I have no real help with the DC, also with me needing a six week recovery time. I had my surgery 10 days ago and unfortunately I've had serious complications and become very unwell (hence user name). So I do think it is crucial you get that support in place now not just for a good outcome but also if you have complications and are out of action longer than planned or in hospital for a longer period. I'd also say - in hindsight had I known what I know now re my complications I wouldn't have had the surgery which was theoretically elective (for a worsening hernia so likely at some point would have become highly necessary after it got strangulated, but I could have waited until DC were older etc). If you need it you need it - and obviously complications don't happen every time so please don't let what I've said stress you out, but I'm saying it because you need to make sure you have worst case scenario cover as well.

You should ask your friends, I know it feels horrible but you will need to ask because you need that support - and if they're true friends even if they can't help much they will do something. Send out a list of things you need support with to a few close friends:

1)dog sitting for XX time and ideally being on standby to have him again if you become ill and are in hospital longer than planned - could be two separate people for these jobs
2) DD care for your hospital stay
3) Cover for DD care in case your hospital stay is extended/future stay required
4) Someone to collect you from hospital and stay with you if that's required on discharge (obviously could be you staying with them in a spare room for a night rather than them at your house).
4) Logistical help - probably the most tricky so I'd narrow this down to critical needs first ie getting DD to and from school, getting you to any urgent medical appointments etc. Again if you can get multiple supporters then you can make a little group and ask for who can do what at any given time for ad hoc things (Id have proper agreed cover for critical things like school as above).

Get food deliveries arranged so you don't have to go to the supermarket and get the easiest (whilst still nutricious) food you can. For example i have lots of wraps, salady bits like carrots peppers and cucumber that can go in wraps with cheese or make simple fajitas with, pesto pasta with peas, yoghurts for extra protein etc.

Re DD she will be OK on a reduced schedule than normal - at age 7 although she will be disappointed she is old enough to understand mummy is poorly and can't do everything she'd usually do and the two of you need to pull together. Can you get her to do little bits and bobs like bring you drinks whilst you have a couple of hours rest? If you can try to get logistical support as above for at least her most favourite activities that would be ideal but if not and if you can afford it buy in some bits you can do together that she'd enjoy (where she does most of the work so you can rest but you can advise eg craft projects etc). This should work fine for evenings and weekends short term, and hopefully you can get out and walk to the park after a couple of weeks.

Are there any school holidays during the recovery period? If so I think I'd be trying to arrange cover for her then too for some of the time to shake things up a bit, eg could she go for a sleepover at a friend's house (guess she might be too young for this though) or a few all day play dates which you could offer to reciprocate on recovery?

I think sometimes you just have to be willing to ask for help as people can be so overwhelmed with their own lives that they don't think to ask (though they should). But if it was my friend I'd be making sure I volunteered for at least some of those jobs even if it was hard - telling work I needed to slightly adjust my hours, being a bit more flexible about DC activities etc (good teachable moment about doing kind things for others), having a bit more faff than normal for a few days. Hopefully people will step up for you.

If it was me my message would basically say I'm so sorry to have to ask as I know your life is really busy and you have your own challenges but I'm really in a desperate situation and need help. [Then list your things]. Then say you will understand if they can't but any small offers of help will be worth their weight in gold to you.

I don't have young children, so may not be talking sense. But I do know nanny agencies can provide temporary nannies for just a day or a few days. I'm sure you could get a sleep in nanny.
I don't know whether this would be an option financially for you?
it would also take care of the dog.

Sorry that turned into a massive post - you can tell I'm in a similar situation and it is on my mind! Also to add you could perhaps be a bit more permissive with DD than normal to give yourself more opportunity to recover eg more screen time, allowed to stay in PJs when in the house at the weekend etc, to cut your to do list.1

What a predicament OP - I'm so sorry

I actually think that class the Whatsapp isn't a terrible idea (assuming her closest friends are class mates - so their parents are on it?). There are greater numbers (pressure to appear kind!) and perhaps you could pitch it as 'shared care' - something like:

Hi All

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for this post and I don't want anyone to feel under pressure or obligated, but I thought it was worth a shot. I have been offered surgery via a cancellation - so very short notice - and will be in hospital for two or three nights from the XXXX date.

As most of you know, I am a lone parent with no family/support network, so before I contact SS to make enquires about temporary foster care for XXX on those nights, I wondered whether, between you all, there might be a way for me to avoid this, by arranging a couple of sleepovers (that I will be very happy to repay once I am fully recovered).

I really don't have options other than SS which I honestly don't feel very comfortable with, so I've put my big girls pants on and am being brave and asking if there is any chance of covering those three dates?

And I understand - and no hard feelings - if not.
Sorry to hijack class chat!
Best XXX

If I knew of a mum at my son's school who needed the support, regardless of how well or not I knew her, I'd absolutely offer help.

Last year I had a hysterectomy and the recovery was not as I'd expected it (I've had several surgeries in the past). I wish I'd had that support at the time because it definitely prolonged my recovery doing everything myself.

Definitely ask. You never know.

Where do you live OP? Someone on here might be able to help. I would if you're near me.

Think you are going to have to bite the bullet and contact a nanny agency for a temporary proxy parent nanny.
OR contact social services
OR - a few years ago, we used to have a local children’s charity which offered childcare for just such emergencies. This may be something you can consider?
Personally, I would prefer to stay clear of social services.
If you are really stuck, you should have a pre-surgical assessment, you need to tell the nurse who carries it out and then they will make sure your child is card for. There may even be a way of keeping her in hospital with you.

I was unable to drive for about 6 months due to health issues.

School moms rallied around me and covered school runs and hobby drops. My DD was similar age, and I didn’t know the other class moms that well beforehand. So much kindness was shown to me. Many people are happy to lend a bit of support when it is needed.

I helped a friend out having her DD stay for 5 nights during a family emergency. I would have been happy to take any of the school friends if such a need occurred.

Some good recommendations on the thread for wording for school WhatsApp.
Please do reach out for help.

Best of luck for surgery and recovery.

You are talking as if you want your DDs life to carry on as normal during your recovery. This is probably not realistic as asking people to cover all the transporting you do is too big an ask.
Ask a friend to have your DD while you are in hospital. Order ready made meals and similar to store in the freezer. Have your operation and go back home. Your DD will have to forgo her usual activities and help out while you are recovering. Pay for taxis to get DD to school, or if you can not afford, to keep her off school, but explain the situation to the school - they might be able to help.
It is six weeks you can not drive for, but you may be able to take your DD to school on public transport earlier than this.
But have the operation.

I’d ask her friends parents rather than the general class what’s app.

I would be more than happy to do this. I literally love helping people out and the whole sense of community thing. I have no extended family so I completely empathise with the situation.

There are loads of people like this. Start with her good friends parents and then go to your own friends. I’d do everything to try and make this happen. What difference would 6 months make anyway.

If one of my son’s class mates parents called and asked me to look after their kid for 2 nights I’d do it. Has your daughter any friends she’s had a sleepover with? Who does she play with.
ask their parents.
she is 7 so doesn’t need you for midnight waking etc.
she just needs someone to be kind, make her tea, and roll out at camp bed etc in their other child’s room, like a double sleepover.

is there are class WhatsApp group that you could share your situation on- again, when I broke my ankle lots of parents helped with school drop offs etc, knowing that if it happened to them they would hope people would help them.

What is the meaning of friends if they can't step up in a moment like this?

This is a lovely idea, but unfortunately beyond the means of many.

I would help someone in your predicament if I was aware. As difficult as it is, you do need to ask for help because people can't read your mind.

I really hope you find a solution @daisydaisyrose

Imagine what it’s like in countries where you pay for medical treatment too.

The reality is the NHS covers the cost of treatment but individuals have to cover the costs beyond that. If OP doesn’t have savings then she will need to secure a loan to cover the costs beyond of her recovery. The vast majority of families with any form of disability or long term sickness live in poverty for exactly this reason. If you weren’t aware of that you are obviously one of the fortunate ones.