What do to? Operation and no childcare...

[daisydaisyrose]

Not sure if there is any solution to this, I need an operation and currently have just been told I am booked in for it in just over a week (very short notice, must have been a cancellation, I was told to expect three to six months at least!)

It will require two nights minimum in hospital and a six-eight week recovery with no driving for at least six weeks... I have zero childcare for dd7. Lone parent with old and incapable mother who would rather walk barefoot across hot coals than help me, all friends etc have their own children/work etc so can't really help either.

Any suggestions? I am going to have to call and say I can't have it, aren't I?

Ask the parents of your DD's closest friends , especially if they have playdates, they're close etc. If not, just bite the bullet and put it on the class WhatsApp, I definitely would've done it when DD was in primary school for one of her classmates. If you manage to get your DD sorted for the overnights you'll be able to breathe a bit easier.

For the dog, ask one of your friends to pop in and feed/walk them. Is not as much of a big commitment as a child. Or ask your dog walker for any recommendations. Worst case scenario, if any of your friends have a sensible teen that are available, that could work too.

For recovery, DD will just have to miss her activities for a bit, it's not the end of the world. Or maybe she can bung a lift here and there if a friend is doing the same activity.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to ask for help, it almost feels like a failure when you're used to being independent and doing it all, but needs must.

I had a difficult period where I was caring alone for a severely disabled child, while hugely pregnant and in pain from various things. My husband was working away for a month. We contacted a local nanny college, and they sent me a final year student to help out when she wasn't in college. We paid her (rate negotiated via college). It was an absolute life saver. If you don't have a nanny college, try the FE places near you that do childcare qualifications. Or ask at local nurseries if any of their staff would like some extra hours. Or they might recommend a previous staff member who is now back in the market. I hope you sort this out, and wish you well for your new baby 😀

A friend of mine was having cancer treatment and needed a lot of help with essential (like meals) and help with her daughter, who was a similar age to yours. She didn't know many people in her village but decided to put out a call for help via her village community messaging group. It was amazing to see how people rallied round and helped out. Could that be an option where you live too?
Wishing you the best of luck (and sorry that your mum is such an arse)

People rally round for cancer in a way they do not for other health issues

Do you have a Facebook page for the town you live in? You could ask if there are any Nanny’s available to stay in your home and care for your daughter and pets. I’ve seen someone on my local page advertising their services so it was just a thought. I hope you get it sorted.

Please ask one of your daughters school friends. I would take any of my kids friends in for a couple of nights in this situation - the school run would be no different than getting my kids to school.
Indeed, we were the ones to get the 5am phone call, please can you take X, I have to get to hospital. And the answer was yes without even thinking about it.

If you were my friend I'd make it work to help you. Ask before you right them off

Definitely ask school if they know of anyone - there may even be a dinner lady who’s DBS checked that your daughter knows who might help - it’s not just friends who may step in.
hope it all goes well for you

Hi I obviously don't know what your op is, but you do also need to consider if you'll need help with physical care and day to day tasks for the first few days. I was an older Mum and have just had a knee replacement. My now adult daughter came for four days but even after that I couldn't manage alone and had to go and live with her for two weeks! The hospital will probably let you reschedule if you explain your issues and you may be entitled to some home care - I was.

If you physically can not manage at home, you are entitled to carers.

If I was asked by any mum to help in this way I would absolutely do as much as I possibly could to help. I hope that you do feel able to ask for help OP and that people step up to help you.

Try and do this very quickly. It will work out. Or have a word/email your local councillor and ask them for the contact details of a senior social worker and explain your situation to them. Good luck.

And some of us would step up. One of the young rainbows stayed with us for to nights then mum was rushed to hospital and dad of course needed to stay with him and the girl was in our care at a meeting. Grandsparents miles away.

We had a daughter in the same group (I was one of the leaders) but of course one of us leaders known to the girl would do it.
Sometimes you just have to ask.
A lot of people don't mind helping.

Ih dear. Before you cancel you must ask friends if they have any ideas. They can neither refuse or accept if they don't know about. Mention it at school too?

Have you managed to arrange anything? I really feel for you. I have a 5 and 6 year old and they have never had sleepovers anywhere either, I bet that in itself is stressing you out the thought of leaving her with someone.
im hoping all will be ok for you, if you were in my children’s school I would most certainly help you.

I was in this exact situation and I mentioned it to a teacher's aid in the playground a couple of days before. I am living here in UK but my family lives in another country. She immediately said she would take my son, and she would bring him to school (obviously she works there too!) I was beyond grateful for her offer and with her being a staff member at school, I felt I could trust her and my son liked her too. This was 18 yrs ago now, I will never forget her kindness!!

Speak to the school.

When mine were 7&8, I got very ill and spent time in hospital and on chemo. People whom I had never even spoken to were very generous. One teacher announced that she passed our house on the way to school, a mum I'd never met bobbed up and offered lifts. Some people even cooked meals, and I wasn't even a single parent, but husbands' NHS shifts made things hard.

People are kinda than you think and as long as you dont take the piss they often want to help.

Then you can "bank it" to pay it forward in the future.

Don't be afraid to ask.

I think your friends maybe haven't offered because they don't want to overstep or appear patronising.

I absolutely would help out in this situation with no hesitation, I'm sure many would.

Put on those big girl pants,stick your pride in the bin, as it's no use to you right now and ASK!!!

Please speak to school. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and couldn't drive. I struggled with getting the kids to school and they ended up having a few days off. In the end my Mum spoke to the pastoral support team at school and they picked my children up and dropped them home to school for a couple of weeks.

Sorry now but OP can’t put her daughter into temporary foster care. ! ! !
Her daughter I’m pretty sure will not stay with a bunch of strangers & OP will not leave her anyway ! !….

OP , I know you are saying you can’t ask your friends , but you have to really , or like other PPS have suggested, school friends moms that you know & trust ?

Ask friends, I would happily do this for one of my friends. More generally, it might be worth hoping some single parent groups in your area and making more friends who understand the challenges and can form a support group for you.

Get a childminder that can do overnights.

Me too ! Temporary foster carers are experienced with these circumstances . If you really can’t ask anyone this is a reasonable option .

I agree with this, I have a friend who is looking to foster when she retires and mentioned this as the sort of situation she would foster (ie not long-term)

Why not? There's nothing in the OP's posts to say her daughter wouldn't stay at a foster home, and of course the OP wouldn't leave her if she didn't have to go into hospital, but temporary foster care may be just enough to help, at such short notice, until the OP can ask for help from friends/school. The OP needs time to recover too. I am thinking of a situation where child is fed and watered at fosterers but is able to go to school and see her Mum but Mum can rest and not have full childcare till she is well enough