What do to? Operation and no childcare...

[daisydaisyrose]

Not sure if there is any solution to this, I need an operation and currently have just been told I am booked in for it in just over a week (very short notice, must have been a cancellation, I was told to expect three to six months at least!)

It will require two nights minimum in hospital and a six-eight week recovery with no driving for at least six weeks... I have zero childcare for dd7. Lone parent with old and incapable mother who would rather walk barefoot across hot coals than help me, all friends etc have their own children/work etc so can't really help either.

Any suggestions? I am going to have to call and say I can't have it, aren't I?

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, I haven't read the whole thread so this may have already been suggested but could you contact Safe Families if they work in your area?

Safe Families are a charity that support families in all sorts of situations including emergency hosting, practical support for you and childcare during ill health or hospital stays. They opporate in different ways in different regions so it may not be an option but worth looking into. Host Families and volunteers are VERY thoroughly vetted and trained (I'm a volunteer) and there's a full staff support system as well. It's completely voluntary at your end and you'll remain in touch with the supporters so its a different set up from fostering (one of the aims of the charity is to keep families together and kids out of care even temporarily). But it's still an organisation and "formal" set up if you feel worried or awkward about asking someone you know for informal support.

https://safefamilies.uk/contact/

Best of luck, I hope you find a solution

Try the Cinnamon Trust - they look after pets, do walks etc for people who can't get out, or special circumstances like yours - the pet stays in its own home and the CT people come in.

It's hard to ask, I know, but no one can offer help unless you ask
Start by telling her class teacher your situation
Before/ after school club organisers
They will know of child care options locally
Class WhatsApp group.. Deep breath and press send.
Even local FB groups asking for recommendations for overnight care
If all those come to nothing( which I doubt they will) contact Childrens services and say you've tried everything you can think of
The vast majority of people are kind and would be happy to help

This.
they don’t do operations for no reason, your condition could worsen if left. you may find rearrangement date is even worse to organise

you have to find a way through this. What would happen if you had an accident and couldn’t care for your child?

first thing to contact hospital re social services , urgently .

And school . Ask school about taxi services us3d for special needs/out of area kids to see if they could transport your child if you pay, but at least they have all checks etc and could do door to door, for first week.

Are you really sure that there’s not a relative who could stay , or child could stay with, at least for nights you’re in hospital.

Where is child father btw?

after first week you can almost certainly use taxi btw … or possibly in as little as after 48 hours back at home once anaesthetic has worn off- but you’ll not know that till you there. And take painkillers by the clock, don’t wait till pain kicks in. Buy your supply now while you can get out. Women who have c-sections are told 6 weeks not driving or carrying, but most will be mobile and with pain killers able to ambulate to a taxi and into school and out again. Most have to carry toddlers anyway- but not advocating you go against medical advice. Even with knee/hip replacements they do want you ambulating - sitting at home on your bottom constantly is not what’s recommended after any op now thst I know off. DVT and all that. But hobbling 20 mins round trip twice a day to be avoided for a little while back home. Taxi .

stock up freezer on ready meals. Then do on line shopping . Get a cleaner in three times, if needed. Or just close your eyes, sceptics walking bleach down loo. Forget ironing. Do washing/drying up till last day before you go in, change beds etc and put a top sheet under duvet do you don’t need to try wrenching duvet changes after op. At 7 your dc can help with light chores and cooking with supervision - good practice

After this is over, you really do need to widen your support circle. Too late for this, but you never know when this might be needed. You will have to put yourself out there, find groups and friends and start banking favours so you could call on them if needed. Make sure you have a will, and LPOA. Don’t let this risk happening agian. Stuff will always happen again.

The activities are not compulsory, they can wait so don’t panic about them. Try speaking with school/ local authority to see if they have things in place for times like this. Our school is considered to be in a ‘deprived area’ and I’ve known support staff to collect kids so they get in on time etc.

if you feel bad putting it on one friend/school mum- maybe try doing a group chat where they can all pitch in. Then it won’t feel like putting too much on one person.

Hope it all goes well and you manage to get your op done x

I've just had cancer treatment and had to ask people for help with my children. It was awkward and I felt uncomfortable about it... but actually it has been amazing. So many people were helpful in big and small ways that it has completely changed my view of my community. We have new friends and discovered that there are lots of good people around.

You can pay it back later (if it makes you feel better). I have tried to repay with lifts etc. to those who helped... but also I try and help others.

You say you are isolated now, well, it might be that this experience changes all of this for you.

Definitely ask DD's friends' parents. I definitely would help (have done in similar before). Those parents might have help which in turn eases their load to be able to help you, you never know if you don't ask.

School parents for sure. If one of DDs friends parents were in this sort of situation we would 100% help out.

Op, you’re coming across as fearful… and that’s the unknown…you don’t know which way to turn and are afraid to ask for fear people will turn you down

some will

but oddly, most people like to help…to feel useful…and to bank goodwill because they never knw when they need a favour in return.

you are going to have to bite the bullet and start asking EVERYONE who could remotely help in small ways. Those friends with kids at other schools? Could they tag up so one firmed does your overnights , and the other friend collects her kids for school run. What about friends who have partners, couod partners not step up to do their child’s school run, so yourcdwughtehrccouodcstwy with them and their mum do your kids school run. There are a lot of possible solutions…

right now you’re in a panicked “can’t” mode. It seems easier to cancel op than have to go outside your comfort zone to fix this difficult cunundrum .

give yourself a firm talking to. You CAN And must find a solution. Start doing the scary thing and ask. Don’t ever assume you know how they’ll respond.

@daisydaisyrose would your mum definitely not have your Dd .
If Dd stayed at your mums and missed school those two days maybe your mum wouldn't mind . Just so you have an adult to care for her . Look
now for supermarket delivery spots and try get that sorted .
Easy dinners . Ask your mum if you made a couple of dinner for the days you away ?

Could you white a night nanny or similar? Like an over night baby sitter to assist you?

I'm probably not much help because I have no idea how it was organised but when I was a teen my friend's mother had to go to hospital for an operation and stay for quite a long time. My friend was the oldest and there was no other family about. There was a woman who came to stay for a while and look after them and support them while their mum was in hospital and while recovering. I think it was arranged through social services but the woman wasn't a social worker. I don't know whether there are foster carers who come to your house but it was something like that.

Talk to school first.
Reach out locally on parent group there may be a trusted baby sitter or nanny who can do the overnight in your house you have time to meet them

@daisydaisyrose If your mum isn’t an option at all . I’d delay if not urgent and try speak to friends . Or the school if they know anyone safe and reliable. Also would it be better if Dd stayed at home while you recover with school work there , or easier to try get Dd to school even if it’s at a later time ?

Definitely ask friends and other school mums for help before cancelling.

I have 2 kids and a busy life and don't generally offer childcare in school hols etc (when I wfh) but in this sort of situation I know a groups of us mums would rally round and make it work.
School mums would surely help with school runs during your recovery and may offer sleepovers too.
And ask your other close friends even if they have kids at different schools. In this situation I'd do school run for yours and my DH (or someone else I roped in) would do school run for my kids for a couple of days while you were in hospital.

Definitely ask DDs friends parents. I'd be mortified if one of my friends cancelled an operation because they hadn't asked!
Maybe they think you've got it sorted?

Aww OP I feel for you. Likewise I am going in for surgery soon and it’s tricky figuring out the logistics of school runs etc and I have my husband around to help. It must feel very isolating managing this on your own. If you were local to me I would help you out! Maybe you could share your rough location and there may be a fellow mums netter who could help you?

Realistically, it sounds like you need a pet and baby sitter who can come and stay for a few days. You will have to ask around though and put yourself out there. Perhaps ask your fellow local mums if anyone can help or if they know any babysitters who may be available - explain your predicament. Are you on any WhatsApp groups with other mums? I’m sure you will get someone offering help. It’s uncomfortable to ask others but I’d hate to think there was a fellow mum struggling and potentially cancelling an operation because she didn’t have anyone to help her - please put yourself out there!

Also, re. school transport there are school transport options to ask your school about that. We live in a slightly tricky location for school and so my DC has been granted a taxi to and from school for when I’m recovering from surgery.

If you can't get close friends to help (and I'm sure they would if you asked) you could contact and agency and hire a home help/temporary nanny? I'm sure you could get someone with childcare experience and properly vetted to do sleep ins for a few nights and help with school runs.

When a neighbour had to rush his wife into hospital in the middle of the night, I went round in my PJs and dressing gown and slept at their house with their DDs for the next two nights while DH stayed at ours with our DCs. I've also had one of DS2's school friends to stay for the weekend when his mum had to go away at short notice.

Please ask your friends and the parents of your DD's school friends - this isn't a cheeky fucker situation at all, I think you'll be surprised who will be able to help when they realise it's a real emergency

Could you get your mum to come and stay/ or dd stay with her AND have a nanny to come in daily and do the bulk of childcare/ support? Obviously depends on funds, but if possible it’ll mean that your mum will feel as if she is included but the donkey work done by a younger person.

Hi OP. Some time ago, a mum in a similar situation circulated a message to our school year WhatsApp group explaining her circumstances and asking for help. A few of us who didn't know her at all offered sleepovers, took her girl to and from school and so on.

I think people would want to help if they knew your situation.

I would do this in a heartbeat for almost anyone but it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to ask. I have a husband but we are both immigrants and he works away sometimes so if I hadn't learned to ask for awkward favours I'd have had huge issues more than once.

I'd go to your daughter's friends at her school first as that's where she'd be most comfortable and happy. Amy decent person would do their best to help out.

As the other option is temp foster care please take a breath and ask people. It's really not a huge thing for someone to have some logistics to sort out for a couple of days.

I can only say ask school friends if they’d have her while in hospital but also speak with school some schools will organise to pick her up and drop her off. I’m sorry if this has been said already but I haven’t read the whole post. Goodluck op xx

I did this for someone I hardly knew at the school gate.
We had lived in the village for just a couple of months. (although my parents had lived there for several years, but this mum didn't know my parents)

We were chatting on the school gate about her upcoming operation that she had waited for for ages.
The next day she looked upset. She had just heard that the person who was looking after her kids couldn't do it.

Without really thinking I just said, if you like they can come and saty with us.
They did, and slept on a mattress on my kids floor. They were with us for 1 or 2 nights and at school in between.
I really really was delighted to be able to help so that she could have the op.

I have to say though that later I thought about it and did think she was very trusting, she hardly knew me!

No-one minds being asked in these circumstances. many are genuinely glad to help.

If you can afford it, get a temp nanny.

I've done it before, overnights and then dropping/pickup for school and activities.

At least it will be a reliable professional.

I wouldn't turn the operation down, you don't know when you'll get offered another chance.