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Original poster

What do to? Operation and no childcare...

299 replies

daisydaisyrose · 24/02/2025 19:15

Not sure if there is any solution to this, I need an operation and currently have just been told I am booked in for it in just over a week (very short notice, must have been a cancellation, I was told to expect three to six months at least!)

It will require two nights minimum in hospital and a six-eight week recovery with no driving for at least six weeks... I have zero childcare for dd7. Lone parent with old and incapable mother who would rather walk barefoot across hot coals than help me, all friends etc have their own children/work etc so can't really help either.

Any suggestions? I am going to have to call and say I can't have it, aren't I?

OP posts:
Missj25 · 25/02/2025 22:16

I know you mean well , but would you leave your child with a bunch of strangers ???
That is exactly what it is & I know they are great to have but bad to want ….
Can you imagine how upsetting it would be for OPS daughter???
Hopefully someone she knows & her daughter is familiar with can help …..

C36M · 25/02/2025 22:32

Is the operation essential? I know it probably is, but some aren’t and I wouldn’t use foster care or anyone I didn’t know well for a non essential operation. Speak with her school, they may know of something that may help

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 25/02/2025 22:55

C36M · 25/02/2025 22:32

Is the operation essential? I know it probably is, but some aren’t and I wouldn’t use foster care or anyone I didn’t know well for a non essential operation. Speak with her school, they may know of something that may help

Do the NHS do "non-essential operations"? OP wouldn't be offered the surgery unless there was demonstrable clinical need.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Childcare & nursery
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2025 23:04

I'm a single mum and if another single mum in my child's class was going through this and didn't ask for help I'd be so cross! Ask a parent you trust or the class WhatsApp
(You might get in an awkward position when the creepy weirdo offers so maybe ask them to message you directly and if the creepy one offers say thank you you'll let them know if family can't do it)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2025 23:05

daisydaisyrose · 24/02/2025 19:56

No, we aren't isolated! I just hate asking for help, it really upsets me to be so bloody alone when it comes to shit like this. She's not done sleepovers yet... I could ask on the class WhatsApp chat, but again, it's a big ask. Plus as a lone parent, I find friends are quick to say 'just ask!' And if I do ask as I am desperate, there are all manner of excuses as to why they can't help.

I really can't imagine her going into foster care, even just for a few nights 😢

That's why it's best to ask the WhatsApp so that people are able to ignore if not willing and will only offer if they genuinely can. Wouldn't you offer help if the situation was reversed?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2025 23:06

daisydaisyrose · 24/02/2025 19:59

Plus got a dog as well, and of course that's the week that the usual dog walker is away, so haven't got anyone to have dog either 😫

Kennel

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2025 23:07

Balloonhearts · 24/02/2025 20:08

I second contacting social services. Respite Foster care for a parent to have surgery is actually quite common. I know a lady who fosters and she has had several children for things like that.

Yes, and if your child has ever been in foster care she will get looked after child 'perks' forever more she'll be counted as a care leaver, first choice of secondary school etc

MarvellousMonsters · 26/02/2025 00:12

A week is very short notice, call the hospital and ask if they can reschedule to give you a chance to organise childcare and when your dog sitter is available. And ask friends. Of course they are all busy, but they will help you out because you need surgery.

Cazwest6 · 26/02/2025 01:36

Where are you based
I am in Hammersmith London and would be willing to help you
i am DBS checked

BettyBardMacDonald · 26/02/2025 02:06

That's very kind of you, @Cazwest6

GabriellaFaith · 26/02/2025 02:18

When people near us ha to move out ueto flooding this year many went to stay at relatives, often far away. School emailed them work for few days a bit like we did for homeschooling during covid.

Maybe a friend would have her overnight if they didn't need to take her to school, or maybe a friend could sleep at yours just for 2 nights (maybe their hubby could sort their kids)?

Could ask on the class WhatsApp group if someone could take her to school as your so close at least for the 2 days?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/02/2025 02:28

MarvellousMonsters · 26/02/2025 00:12

A week is very short notice, call the hospital and ask if they can reschedule to give you a chance to organise childcare and when your dog sitter is available. And ask friends. Of course they are all busy, but they will help you out because you need surgery.

Given the state of NHS waiting lists, I do not recommend this approach.

bexollie · 26/02/2025 07:09

Social services would ask if you'd asked friends but they would arrange foster care as an emergency and you'd probably get family time contact in that time .

Original poster
daisydaisyrose · 26/02/2025 09:58

Well as predicted, I've asked and hit a brick wall. Hey ho. I just can't put her in foster care. I just can't. Going to call the hospital and explain.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 26/02/2025 10:08

daisydaisyrose · 26/02/2025 09:58

Well as predicted, I've asked and hit a brick wall. Hey ho. I just can't put her in foster care. I just can't. Going to call the hospital and explain.

Short term foster care for this kind of thing isn't 'just put her in foster care'. It is getting her placed with people trained to look after children in difficult circumstances.

How many people have you asked?

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 10:11

Maybe just maybe someone who posts on here and is reading lives local and would help if they knew .
I know I would if it was someone local to me .

tommyhoundmum · 26/02/2025 10:12

daisydaisyrose · 26/02/2025 09:58

Well as predicted, I've asked and hit a brick wall. Hey ho. I just can't put her in foster care. I just can't. Going to call the hospital and explain.

I wish you'd taken a longer term view on your obviously needed operation.

TeenToTwenties · 26/02/2025 10:13

It is a pretty sad indictment of today's society if not a single parent from her class can put her up for a few days.

Endofyear · 26/02/2025 10:33

Have you looked into calling an agency and hiring a nanny/home help to live in and do school runs and dog walks OP?

steppemum · 26/02/2025 10:37

OP, while I sympathise with not wanting to put her into foster care, can I ask what is going to be different in3 months time?

Who is going to miraculously come out of the woodwork in the next 3 months?
You will still be faced with the same situation.
SS have good short term emergency foster placements exactly for this situation.

In some areas they also work alongside charities eg one called Safe Families.
Safe Families have a load of volunteers who help out in situations where people don't meet the threshoold for care but need help. I volunteer with them and the very first lady I helped was a single mum who was pregnant. When she went into labour I was the one on call to go round and looked after her kids at short notice, then there were 2 families who had her kids between them, one was her auntie for the older girl, and the other was a safe families volunteer who took her 2 toddlers for 3 days while she was in hospital.
As volunteers between us we then supported her for the first 3 weeks after she came home with the new baby, child care, school runs and food between us.

So it really is worth phoning the council and asking if they can help, and what they can offer, before you dimiss it.

steppemum · 26/02/2025 10:41

also, on Monday at 7pm you hadn't asked yet, and this morning at 10 am you have asked and hit a brick wall.
So just 1 day for people to reply.

Give them a chance!

MrsAga · 26/02/2025 11:19

daisydaisyrose · 26/02/2025 09:58

Well as predicted, I've asked and hit a brick wall. Hey ho. I just can't put her in foster care. I just can't. Going to call the hospital and explain.

In the event of an emergency admission to hospital, that decision would be taken anyway & it would be out of your hands. (Therefore more scary for dc)
Speak to SS, ask what provision there is for short term care, ask if you and DC could meet the prospective family in advance. If you are allowed to meet them, chat, have a cuppa etc. That person/family would be no more a stranger than a school friend Mum that you don’t really know. However you’d have the benefit of knowing a foster family was thoroughly checked & knew all the safeguarding rules around caring for a non relative child.

You aren’t giving up your child, you are simply using care that is available for just these circumstances.

You’d also then have peace of mind knowing that in the event of an emergency, the care available isn’t as scary as you thought.

Good luck. Xx

Freeatlast2 · 26/02/2025 11:32

I am in your situation too. I need a shoulder repair as I have a huge tear in it and it dislocates frequently. I have no feeling in the hand as a result. I will be unable to drive for 8 weeks. I have Sen kids aged 14 and 11 both of whom have challenging behaviour. They are on in child in need plans with SS. I asked about respite so I could have the surgery and it was an absolute no!

the hospital were really good - I could basically choose my own admission with a decent lead up time, but I’ve decided to just put up with the problem for now. I can’t risk being hurt during my recovery dealing with my children and I cannot deal with not being able to drive as my kids need their activities and I need them to go to their activities.

i feel like if it were emergency life or death surgery, people would just automatically get involved, but this is elective surgery and I don’t feel able to burden others

intrepidgiraffe · 26/02/2025 12:03

As a social worker i echo everything @MrsAga says - you are so much better off doing this in a planned way

C36M · 26/02/2025 13:17

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 25/02/2025 22:55

Do the NHS do "non-essential operations"? OP wouldn't be offered the surgery unless there was demonstrable clinical need.

Show quote history

They do plenty of non essential ops. For example a friend of mine is having her wisdom teeth out soon, they don’t cause her any pain at the moment, but they may do in the future. So my friend opted to have the operation just in case.