Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

He helps care for his ageing Father, that is nothing to be jealous of. As long as no financial piss taking from him I do not see the issue.

Just enjoy his company, keep homes and finances completely separate. I think it is good that he is kind to his parents.

He sounds lovely. I'd say crack on, just be wary with money. It sounds like you have that covered though!

Given what you've said you're looking for it actually sounds ideal - and if everything is great and you don't need anything else, what's the issue?

Do you think it might become an issue further down the line? If not, then I say crack on and enjoy each other's company.

I think he sounds like a happy man, op

Does he have any money saved? I'd be expecting him to buy me gifts and insist on paying at restaurants etc

But tbh, if you're happy in yourself and your life, and don't want him to move in, it sounds like it works?

Interested to hear others experiences too, as I can't really offer any advice

But would say that, at 33 I've decided I'll never own my own home not have a high flying career (that bit makes me sad a little) but I will focus on having enough money for me and dd, and for her future. And I feel relieved about it 😄, like a weight has been lifted

It's okay not to do what others are doing, imo

❤️

My closest friend of 20 years still lives at home in his 30s. He’s stayed there because it’s financially better for him with his plan being he’s ready and set to buy a house with the right person.

I would hate to think he’s overlooked just because he lives at home BUT I think in your case he sounds like he’s coasting along for an easy life which won’t last forever.

Does it bother you that he has a great relationship with his parents and doesn't mind helping them.

Is his contentment at living with his family yet have a relationship any stranger than your wish to live alone and have a relationship.

I think as long as you are not feeling like you are being taken advantage of, then it's fine. And it sounds like it works well for him, and for his parents and he's not an entitled prick. Of course, on this basis, I would expect his caring responsibilities to increase as his parents get older. It wouldn't be unreasonable for them to assume that he will be steppng up more and more in the future.

It all sounds fine to me - it’s not as if he’s never left home .

Yes, I think he is a very happy man. Doesn't want a lot, generous with his time. He does have savings. I don't know all the details (why would I?) but compared to me, a lifelong saver, it's not much, although significant sum to anyone who has "nothing".

He pays his way when we're out, but everything is very 50/50, he doesn't treat me, but then I don't really want him to, I like paying my way too.

If everyone's happy, what's the problem? The only issue I can see would be if you were both younger and considering kids but that doesn't apply. I suppose his situation is slightly precarious (in that his parents could kick him out) but it's hard to imagine that they would.

Does he have siblings? Any chance he'll lose his home when his parents die because it'll be shared out? (This isn't really relevant to your relationship now- I'm just trying to think through situations in which he might end up reliant on you.)

OP you are definitely over thinking. His choices are just fine. He's helping his parents and it makes good sense. He's definitely not living responsibility free even property wise if you think about it

Yes, there's a brother and the house would have to be split, but it's a significant house in a nice area, so whilst he'd have to move, you'd expect he'd have some cash, although no one knows what will happen re care costs etc.

Sounds like you're creating a relationship of equals. If you're not planning to move in together then neither of you really need to know each others finances.

Does he have any money saved? I'd be expecting him to buy me gifts and insist on paying at restaurants etc

Don't do this it's a bit mercenary, pay your way. You're not in the relationship for money but for his emotional support and friendship.

Yes, originally I was a bit put out that he didn't offer to pay more often, but why should he and I like things equal.

If I'm properly honest with myself I think maybe I'm concerned about how it looks. Outwardly he's not much of a catch, but he is a properly kind decent man IMO. So I need to get over that!

Man here, Wow that sounds an awesome lifestyle.... all the benefits with no overheads, no headaches, no responsibilities.
Not for me, I am a family man and love it like crazy, but imagine being able to sleep at night with no financial commitments...

As long as he's not some lazy man child living at home so mummy can wash his socks, I don't see an issue!

That's fair, if that's how you want to do things

I think he sounds great op, and your circumstances match up well

I'm definitely someone that likes men to pay and adore me 😭

You have a good thing here, i think xx

Yes, I think maybe that's my problem with it. I find the weight of homeownership and the problems/responsibilities it brings overwhelming at times.

But also good luck to him for making the choices he has and setting up this life for himself.

He does adore me and he shows that with his time and care, more than his cash.

I think this depends on where I am in my life. For example, if I were looking to move in and have a family together, it would put me off. If I was looking for a partnership where our lives aren't entwined, then I'd be perfectly happy with this set up. An ex of mine has this situation, caring for his family as well. It put me off when I was younger, but it wouldn't now.

I'm not saying he doesn't! I'm explaining my point

It sounds like a good thing and like it will work for you both

I don't know the ins and outs. He's definitely a bit after a manchild, far less organised than me, for example, but that's because he generally goes with the flow. He does appear to do his own laundry.

Yes, that's how I feel. I definitely wouldn't want to "settle down" and raise a family with him when we would be bringing such unequal things to it, but there's a freedom to it that's quite appealing at this stage in my life.

and he has offered to help me get on top of the garden this summer

He sounds more companion territory than partner to me.