Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

To be honest, I think you (and many others commenting here) are overthinking this situation for quite a few reasons:

1. You're not looking for a husband/partner, so his financial situation is not important.

1. You are enjoying his company and feel that he's not only not taking advantage of you, but he's actually treating you with care and consideration. (How many women can say that about their significant others?)

1. He is younger and appears to have very little in the way of money/material goods - would anyone think twice if you were a man enjoying a friendly relationship with a woman in the same circumstances?

1. He's happy with his lifestyle/ he's not weighed down with responsibilities - don't we all want that for ourselves? Isn't his contentment part of his attraction?

1. What's going to happen if/when.......? Well that's for him to sort out with his family. How do you know that the future isn't already planned for? You've already made it clear to us here that he's not moving in with you - if you're equally clear with him, what's the problem to you? Just make sure that you have protected your home and your money so no one else can make claims on them.

Life is short. We don't know what the future might hold for us. One thing I've learned is to grab happiness with both hands and make the most of it. Your friendship/relationship may not last, but that's no reason not to enjoy what you have now and make the most of it. Don't let other people's prejudices get in the way. Choose to be happy.

He sounds ok for now. With regard to the future, does he have an equal pension to you when it’s time to retire? But to be fair that sounds like it’s a way off for him anyway

I think it all sounds quite lovely and refeshing!
He's been able to step of the tread mill of life and enjoy it
I'm a very simple creature and live quite frugally too
Enjoy the companionship and fun and 50/50 split of it all
I doubt he wants to live with OP, he's used to his own company

Like some have said I would be concerned about the lack of ambition. It seems like a more relaxed lifestyle where he can come and go as he pleases. I would worry he never had to stress too much about security and would always put his parents first which is fine to an extent. I think what is interesting to me about it is he kind of sounds like some of my male relatives who really lacked ambition of any kind and hung onto mummy’s apron strings, never leaving the nest. So it gives me a private ick but only because of that background with my terrible family members.

I think if he is a nice man and you are happy to casually date and be friends, why not?

Assuming his parents don't mind having him there it sounds like a win win win to me!!

This seems to hit a nerve somewhere with you, I’m not being facetious, I promise, but do you know what has caused this reaction? Which memories or experiences has it brought up for you? Is this something you have heard often for example and are fed up of hearing it?

I have no dog in the race apart from compassionate inquiry.

My previous post was in your corner and trying to be helpful

I don’t think you need to be worried for his future, as I’m sure his parents have no intention of kicking him out and I imagine he (and any siblings) will inherit the house.
It also seems that he does pay his way, contributing to bills that he uses.

I also think it’s unfair that you consider him to be ‘having the benefit’ of your house whilst not contributing. He’s your guest that you invite around, what would he be contributing for? It’s your house, if you were to ever sell it would be your money. He has nothing invested in it to be paying for.

Honestly it’s not my cup of tea, as like you I prefer my own space and solitude to living with others, but if it works for him and his parents then their is nothing to be concerned about. Not everyone likes the ‘conventional’ lifestyle that society has developed.
He could have decided to live in a campervan, travel the world staying in hostels or even living in a tent in the middle of the woods (that would be my choice! 😄).

It works for him and he’s happy, and you’ve got a house for you to both be together in so it’s not as though you have to have a sleepover at his parents house.

What makes you think he doesn’t have ambition? Because he doesn’t have his own home?

He competes at a high level in a sport he loves - that’s ambitious!

He could be working his dream job, at the top of his field etc - that’s ambitious!
The fact that he works freelance, and only part time - whilst still bringing in a comfortable income - means that he has created himself a network where he can confidently move from one contract to another - that’s ambitious - and has no doubt taken time and risk!

Im a freelance artist, and I’d be offended if it was assumed that I have ‘no ambition’ because I’ve gone to the trouble of carving out a career working for myself, doing what I love.

There’s a whole lot of narrowmindedness floating around in the comments here.

Ugh. Trading one's companionship for groceries is so lowdown, in my opinion.

Millions, if not billions, of people around the globe live in multigenerational situations. It's not a mark of immaturity. Why do you disparage a living arrangement that works for a significant share of human beings?

Furthermore, he said he is living with his parents (and paying rent, per the OP) for financial reasons. That could mean anything. It may benefit THEM financially. Or he may be investing his savings, or giving it to charity, or saving for a deposit, or augmenting his pension. It doesn't indicate that he is incapable of supporting himself.

Maybe you and I deal with different sorts of men. I've never really had a problem with scroungers, but I suppose if that's been the sort you've generally socialized with, a jaundiced outlook is understandable.

I get the sense that many of these people have dealt with a lower-quality man or men most of their lives, or frequently been victimized, and that's why it's their nature to cast this person in the worst possible light. It's all they know.

🤣 Socialising with scroungers? No, I’m just not as gullible as you. Also, I clearly lack your imagination: gives his money to charity? 😂 Is that before or after he polishes his halo? 😆

I think it's the perfect situation for you actually.
He sounds kind and caring and contributes equally to dates etc
It's not as if he hasn't left home or had other relationships and it's nice he's happy to help care for his DF
You own, mortgage free and don't want anyone living with you.( same here)
Don't overthink Do enjoy his company.

After being widowed for a few years, a relative of mine got herself a gentleman friend who she'd go on day-trips with and have round for a meal sometimes. They enjoyed each other's company, but maintained separate addresses. They were much older than you and your companion, but does their set-up sound familiar? If so, it sounds great. It may not be the stuff a committed domestic arrangement is made of, but it offers company for things many people don't enjoy as much on their own; trips out, cinema visits, maybe even a holiday. If you and he are on the same page about what your relationship is for, go for it. If things change, you may be inclined to review, but you can cross that bridge if you come to it.

In your case OP I think his set up is fine for now.

However he has clearly gotten used to living an easier life off the back of others, so I would be very mindful that you do not get taken advantage of here.

If you find he is at yours enjoying an “independent adult space” at your expense, and that you are increasingly cooking, cleaning, hosting and housing him, without much in return, I would be putting breaks on it.

Also absolutely do not let him move in.

It’s been interesting reading replies to this one. In theory, in the OP’s circumstances, there’s nothing amiss about his set-up and way of life.
BUT, a grown man living at home with his parents, who has never made a commitment to another woman (or man) throughout his life, and who is ‘coasting’ before he even hits 50?… Gives me the ick. Sorry.

What is morally superior about "making a committment" ? So you're saying that lifelong single people are somehow deficient or inferior or lacking?

If you find he is at yours enjoying an “independent adult space” at your expense, and that you are increasingly cooking, cleaning, hosting and housing him, without much in return, I would be putting breaks on it.

This is exactly the situation now. Totally with OP not wanting to move anyone in but there is zero reciprocity / equality if he never hosts her as he has nowhere to do so - and hosting involves cleaning, planning, laundry, shopping, cooking and housing - which he doesnt do.

Maybe he could reciprocate by taking her away once a month as he doesnt have a home he can host in? He doesnt seem to be pulling his weight at home either - he doesnt cook for his parents - Mum cooks for him on a Sunday, doesnt do any chores and possibly does his own laundry? Although he does look after the cat when they go away....

These are the OPs actual words stripped back:

He currently does some freelance work (does this indicate hes often unemployed?)

Over the years he done all sorts of kinds of work on a needs must basis (does this indicate he has little consistency or work ethic)

Had spells when he's rented a flat (sounds like he's lived with his parents more than hes's live out?)

but he does spend a lot of time here

he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility

everything is very 50/50, he doesn't treat me,

I was a bit put out that he didn't offer to pay more often, but why should he and I like things equal .... and I think this is the underlying nagging issue - they are not equal which which is an important value for you.

Who said anything about moral superiority?!

Not at all - I said it gives me the ick. I, personally, find it completely unattractive that at his age he lives with his parents, has never been in a committed relationship and is coasting in life.

But each to their own. You will note, I also said that theoretically there’s nothing wrong with it, but it just doesn’t do it for me.

Are you OK? A bit of an unnecessarily prickly response!

OP your situation and ‘partner’ are sounding eerily similar to my situation and partner. Like, uncannily. Can I ask what area of the country you and he live in? 😬

Have you even READ my post? My dear friend does all the housework in his house.