Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

Just to buck the trend, and seeing as you asked! - this would seriously put me off

I wouldn't want some 47 year old bloke who still lives with mummy and daddy - and happily so. People can talk it up as much as they want but I would have the serious ick tbh - and I sense you have too

Expect him to buy me gifts and pay for meals? Eh?

So many comments on this thread make me cringe.

Like a man is only a "catch" if he's got plenty of money.

No wonder so many men see women as looking for a meal ticket!

For decades/centuries/millennia men were the ones with the money and the property and the big earnings, and it was seen as fine that they share this with their girlfriend or wife when she was the lower paid one who did not own her own home. We are supposed to be liberated but one whiff of a reversal of this and women are saying run a mile.

FYI my current gentleman friend is a full time carer to his elderly, disabled mother, and his only income is the pitiful allowance he gets from the govt. He has no money to spend on me, but I have enough for us both and I enjoy his company. He is a decent, kind, trustworthy man, and there are precious few of them about these days. Let's not value men purely in financial terms!

@DeepRoseFish

I don't consider myself "being used" when I voluntarily extend rudimentary hospitality that includes electric lighting, functional toilets and heat.

Totally agree, @Tarquinthecat

If some bloke were on here talking shit about a new girlfriend who worked part time so she could take care of a relative, keep fit, volunteer and cycle competitively, the pitchforks would be out for him.

Such hypocritical double standards.

Perhaps he likes going home to spend time with people he knows and loves.

And lots of people are contractors and/or don't own their own home. They're not all deadbeats.

Have you read OP’s posts?

He acknowledges he's staying there for mostly financial reasons.

No suggestion however that he’s a deadbeat.

It's not about the money. Actually at this age, I would date someone who lived in a houseshare.
I know it's not rational. It's just as an Asian I know way too many men who live with their mothers to not get the ick!

I think it’s fine, you’re not planning on moving in together.

I split up with someone in my 20s who had no oomph to get his career sorted or move out but he was in his 30s at the time. His parents indulged him including all his career changes. In my 50s that would no longer be important to me.

I couldn't muster up much attraction towards a middle aged man still living in his parent's house to be honest. I don't want to live with a man again either but I would at least like any man I'm dating to have their own home that we could spend equal amount of time in. At my age I have no interest in going to hang out in his boys room and then awkwardly wave goodbye to his parents when I leave in the morning. It's fine if it's a stop gap after divorce or something but this is his chosen life.

I kinda agree. His future options are-

1. parents leave house to him
2. parents allow him to live there but house belongs to him and brother
3. House left to him and brother. But he’s not earning enough to buy brother out, so house sold. Therefore looks at loving gf to move in with her…. (Who will feel obliged to allow , against her better wishes as she doesn’t want see him homeless etc).

We are supposed to be liberated but one whiff of a reversal of this and women are saying run a mile.

Have you heard of the gender pay gap, @Tarquinthecat? Or the huge gap in hours spent on housework by men and women?

I doubt his mum wants him to do much in the way of chores but he looks after the cat when they're away, gives lifts to hospital appointments and church, runs errands etc.

This isnt a caring role - its what a nice neighbour would do on occassion. The DF doesnt need care the Mum is out and about so is fit, active and obviously able to drive and run errands. Any adult child would do these simple chores for their parents. He cant be home much giving the DF comapny if hes working, then trasining and then with you. Did he present it to you as a caring role?

Do you ever stay over at his parents - I think it would be annoying if you are only at yours.

I think your attitudes to money, core values and work ethic / independence may come through over time - but enjoy it and just have differnt expectations?

But he doesn't work part time so that he can take care of a relative. OP has been very clear. He lives with his parents to save money so he can avoid a full time job and spend plenty of time in his hobby, so that life is more "fun". While there he provides some companionship to his dad and helps out a bit. It's all there in OP's posts.

Why are you so wedded to your own narrative about this guy? OP's situation or her partner's must have resonated very strongly with you.

And this is wrong because???

He works to pay for his lifestyle. He stays with his parents and so has someone he cares about at home to talk to rather than an empty house.

Neither of them want to move in together. He's tried it before, no doubt got burnt and doesn't see it in his future.

Perhaps he should be worrying and fretting about the future rather than enjoying the life he has.

I don't see what OP is after. She enjoys his company as he does hers. Maybe she thinks he ought to have more worries and cares or perhaps she thinks he's no good enough because he's happy coasting through life and lacks her ambition.

I didn't say it was wrong, @BigFatLiar. I am just perplexed by the situation that OP describes being rewritten to cast a more positive light on this man.

You're doing it now, again:

He stays with his parents and so has someone he cares about at home to talk to rather than an empty house.

Really? OP clearly stated the arrangement is for financial reasons. Why make up an other motivation?

I wouldn’t have a problem with this set up.

I would have a problem with him “helping” clear up after I’d just cooked. Can at least do clear up without my help. I would also expect him to do some chores if spending frequent time in my home.

Does he help with the upkeep of your home?

Like a man is only a "catch" if he's got plenty of money.No wonder so many men see women as looking for a meal ticket!

Not at all. The issue isn’t how much money he’s got. It’s his lack of adulting and his potential enmeshment with his parents; his sponging off his parents; his outlook on life.

I don't get why some posters don't get that OP isn't looking for a life partner/spouse with whom to 'build a family. She's looking for a person to be a 'companion' to share time and experiences with. As long as he pays his own way to OP's satisfaction, what's the big deal?

This man sounds like a great 'companion'. He's kind, appreciative, shares interests, and has the time to be with OP at the level she wants. He doesn't ask her for money or 'forget his wallet'. He's not asking to move in nor emptying out a drawer for his 'stuff'. He's helpful to the extent OP wants him to when they cook meals together, etc. And even if he is 'playing the long game' OP appears to be strong enough to kick him to the kerb should he start any shenanigans or hints at moving in. No reason not to enjoy him until/if that time comes.

No, he's not a good prospect if one is looking for a 'financially equal' partner with an eye to cohabitating or someone to build a home and family with. Or if one is looking to find someone to 'support' them financially or shower them with gifts and holidays. But he IS if one is looking for someone who can pay their own way, is happy with their own life the way it is, and respects that the OP is, too.

If I were to be single, he'd be along the lines of just what I was looking for. I will have had a happy marriage & raised my family. I will be in a 'secure' financial position. The last thing I'd be looking for would be for a man, be he pauper or millionaire, who'd try to plant his boots under my bed. Give me someone who can pay their own way, but one I can send home when I want to.

What's a "lack of adulting" ?

I'd say being a kind person, helpful member of the community, resourceful earner and passionate hobbyist is quite adult. It's not necessary to own property, produce offspring or maximize earning potential to be considered "adult."

I moved out from my parents at barely 17 to attend uni and never went back; I own a home and most years have not only a salaried job but a second income stream from freelance or side jobs; I am age 61 now. But I don't consider those who live in multi-generational housing or those who choose to work part-time to be lacking in "adulting." There's no one right way to do things.

Some posters here seem downright paranoid that OP is going to be taken advantage of, and/or that Boyfriend is somehow living like a teenager and taking advantage of his mother. Or making weird suggestions that she spend the night at his parents' home. Why would she?

Many relationships involve people who bring different resources, skills and preferences to a relationship. That doesn't mean one is superior to the other, or that the person with the more laid-back, minimalist lifestyle is out to scam the higher earner.

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I'm an adult woman perfectly capable of managing my own household chores, or hiring them out. I don't need to press guests or boyfriends into service. Who thinks this way?

Believe it or not, we aren't all desperate to turn our SOs into quasi-spouses or household helpers. My SO has his own home to maintain, and also does a great deal for his aged mother.

I don't need him to become my tradesman, nor do I demand housework be performed in exchange for the pleasure of my company. And vice versa. I don't wash his dishes, do his laundry or mow his lawn.

Some of you are so paranoid about being taken advantage of by a man; that says more about you than it does about the men. I have never had trouble establishing and enforcing boundaries, without disparaging or being suspicious of the people I choose to spend time with.

But he has other commitments, like looking after his elderly father.

Hmm I dunno, he spends a lot of time etc I'd prob would expect him to step up, help a bit with food shopping or pick up the whole bill for food not 50/50.

I'd say being a kind person, helpful member of the community, resourceful earner and passionate hobbyist is quite adult. It's not necessary to own property, produce offspring or maximize earning potential to be considered "adult."

Where did I suggest owning a house, having children or earning lots of money was adulting?? Emotionally separating from your parents and leading an independent life is adulting. Staying at home with mummy cooking your dinner and washing your clothes isn’t.

You do know adults can be proper adults and also be kind, helpful and passionate, don’t you? He’s admitted to living at home because it’s financially beneficial to him. Or, to put it another way, he’s not independent financially from his parents and is scrounging off them. The ‘caring’ for his father sounds like an excuse because he knows he’s acting like a teen.

He’s admitted to living with his parents for financial reasons. Both parents are alive. The ‘’care’ for his father is probably very little, but a good excuse to make to explain why he’s still living with mum and dad in his late 40s.