Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

Why do you describe his life as uncertain? It doesn’t sound like he is in any risk of ending up homeless and he earns a decent wage.

I think (and pardon if I'm wrong) you're past the stage of life that's 'find a partner, build a family'. You're at the stage of life that says 'I've got things just the way I want them. Now I'm going to 'coast', live life my way, and enjoy my rewards.

Although I'm married with adult kids, I totally get where you're coming from. It's a totally different mindset to that of a younger person/person just starting out. It doesn't matter what your 'significant person' has or doesn't have, because it's never going to impinge on your financial security or your chosen path. If they walk along side you, fine. If your paths diverge, that's fine too.

Not everyone has the same lifestyle. He sounds lovely. He pays his way, takes care of his parents. If you want him to do some jobs around the house, then ask him, but I think that once you get older and starting a family together is no longer on the cards, it matters much less who has money and ambition and financial acumen, so long as you're not planning on sharing finances.

this man, who has made the decision to stay off the career track in favour of enjoying family life

Has he, @BettyBardMacDonald?

OP said something very different: He acknowledges he's staying there for mostly financial reasons. He can afford to move out but his life would be less fun if he did.

(The fun being time to indulge in his hobby etc rather than time with his parents.)

If you're happy with your relationship and can't see yourself setting up home with him then I'd say just crack on and enjoy his company.

My friend's mum is in her 70s and has had a 'man friend' for the last 30 years - doesn't live with him and doesn't ever intend to! He stays at hers a couple of nights a week, they take turns cooking, holiday together, walk their dogs, go out for meals - but she likes her own house and her own space! I think it can work very well if both partners are happy with it.

Well, I think he sounds lovely. Enjoy it.

In other threads, people would be calling him a cocklodger. If he’s parents aren’t looking after him, then op is. He spends his time enjoying his hobbies, whether sport or community work, but doesn’t seem to be investing into his own future - housing, pension etc.

He seems to be shunning the responsibilities of adulthood.

Sounds like it works for both of you. Enjoy it.

He sounds quite flaky to me.

'Spells' of renting a flat, 'freelancing' - lots of different types of jobs.

How long have you been with him and what is his relationship history?

Could there be a background of episodic MH issues or addiction that meant repeated relationships, jobs, housing situations failed and he had to return home frequently. Is the hobbie - something physical as sometimes addicts swap drugs for running etc?

For all we know he has a million pounds in the bank, but doesn't feel he is well-enough acquainted with OP well enough to tell her.

Most people would take me for a lower-income person; I drive an older car, live in a tiny cottage furnished with secondhand goods, dress in faded old jeans and black t-shirts, work from home on a very flexible schedule, am usually grubbing in the garden or going to boot sales when i am not working.

But I earn well into six figures, have a seven-figure net worth, own two houses outright and always fly first class on the many abroad holidays i take with friends and family. I have a longish-term SO now and he still doesn't know the extent of my salary or savings or pension; just that I am comfortable enough to pay my share of our mutual outings and holidays. That is all he needs to know.

“Almost perfect” ????

There was red flag after red flag to me in your description 😧

A man who has a loving and companiable relationship with his parents, multiple ways to generate income streams, lives within his means, helps his dad, pursues his hobbies with relish, helps people throughout the community, brings wine and other gifts (that OP says exceed the value of what she cooks) when he arrives for dinner and is amiable good company.

Yeah, tons of red flags there. 🙄

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard.

We used to.employ a contractor who worked late spring through early autumn then took several months off to go skiing. After a winter of skiing he'd come back and get a new contract.

Worked for him.

He sounds lovely and your relationship sounds great. If he's not going to move in then his life choices don't really affect you.

He's not lying on the sofa in his pants watching Homes Under the Hammer all day. He works part time, keeps fit, is active in the community and helps out his friends and family. Sounds like a lot of my late 40s/early 50s empty nester friends. Marriage and kids didn't happen for him, sadly, he doesn't deserve to be written off as a result.

Marriage and kids didn't happen for him, sadly, he doesn't deserve to be written off as a result.

Why sadly, @AlphaApple? Is there any indication that he wanted marriage and kids? And no one's writing him off for those reasons.

If he treats his parents and other people well, and you like him, then he sounds like someone special to hold on to. The better thing to question is why our culture thinks children should move out of the family home. He sounds lovely and like a keeper.

@OldChairMan you're right in that my post was rather clumsily expressed.

My point was that he was seemingly being judged for not "adulting" enough for some posters - wife, kids, house etc. but not everyone either chooses that or gets that choice.

It sounds as though he has a healthy work life balance. He contributes to family life and the wider community. He pays his way.

Does he pull his weight with chores while he’s at yours? Just joining in with what needs to be done, or taking a turn at cooking? Does he look after you if you don’t feel well, or book a table/organise a trip out?

He is playing the long game, OP.
I can't believe you are being so naive.

But no one objects to him not having a wife or kids. It's his lack of independent living arrangements, his own home, and secure employment that have been raised.

Why does anyone need "independent living arrangements "??

Many in my extended family live two or three adult generations under one roof because they enjoy it and/or find it practical. Are you saying they are deficient in some way?

How absurd.

Is it any more absurd than your secret millionaire speculation?

If it works for him, why not. It seems like it could work for you to. Try not to be too judgemental

@OldChairMan
I wasn't speculating, just using a rhetorical device ("for all we know he could be...") to point out that no one including OP has enough information to judge him on.

The other pp specifically and directly stated, with no evidence, that the man has ulterior motives.

Do you comprehend the difference?