Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

Yes, maybe. Is that so terrible? He's a boyfriend, I suppose if you can be that in middle-age. I wouldn't call him partner.

Agreed. He's doing good there, and also benefiting, why not? Presumably they all like the company too? In some other countries and cultures single adults pretty much always remain in the family home.

I might have over egged the care. It's more that he's there for some company while much more active mum is out loving life, than that he's doing any personal care iyswim.

It would put me off if his mummy did his laundry or cooked all meals.

Is he actually helping his parents or is he just making a show of helping them? I think any man who lives at home like this is a mummy’s boy, apart from very rare circumstances.

He sounds like my ex. That’s not a good thing. He seemed nice and kind and thoughtful on the surface but it was all a mask, and underneath was very different. He was selfish, resented spending his money on anything but treats for himself (ie he resented paying any bills). If you met him, you’d think he was perfect too, and he’d love bomb you to make absolutely sure you did.

There’s no reason why this man can’t live in his own house/flat and look after his parents. I would be very, very wary.

As long as he's a fully functioning adult who isn't relying on his parents or you to take care of him physically or financially then I'd have no issues. His parents have the space and want him there, he's helping out socially if not physically, and he's not asking you for anything so I think it's ideal.

Am guessing with the housing crisis this will be more and more common for younger people so you're just ahead of the times ;)

I think they genuinely like having him around. I don't think they "need" him.

He acknowledges he's staying there for mostly financial reasons. He can afford to move out but his life would be less fun if he did.

Does he know you have no intention of combining households or finances? If he does, I don't see any issue. I wouldn't particularly think it's attractive that he isn't prioritising his financial security and is instead deliberately earning just enough to get by. But it's not really an issue if your finances will stay separate.

I would say you need to tell him that up front though, there's no point getting emotionally attached if that's a dealbreaker for him and will cause issues in the future.

It wouldn’t be for me.

Removing all the fat and just looking at the meat here…he lives with his parents because he doesn’t want to work FT and have the responsibility of paying bills. He likes having more free time to “have fun”. Now if he’s doing some really interesting things with that extra free ”fun time” then that would be something. Volunteering. Studying something interesting just for the love of it. If he’s just f*cking about in his free time like a 17 year old with a PT job in a supermarket I’d find it unattractive.

If you don’t and instead you admire his admittance than he’s happy for his parents to bare the burden of housing him and paying bills then crack on. To me it’s irrelevant that they “like having him around”.

Yes, he knows and says that's all good for him.

Everything sounded fine until you mentioned that he stays at yours quite a lot, you cook for him, he doesn’t contribute to bills or food but will buy the occasional bottle of wine and takeaway. He also doesn’t treat you when you go out, is that right?

The spare time is mostly used to train for a sport which he competes in at a fairly high amateur level. He's also someone very active in the community, knows lots of people and always helping someone. Not volunteering as such, but definitely someone who helps the world go round.

He's made a choice to prioritise enjoying life, and I agree I wouldn't have found it attractive when I was younger, but now I wonder why not.

Sounds fine then, assuming you believe him that it won’t become an issue down the line (eg if his parents don’t leave him an inheritance and his savings won’t support him until he passes away).

My concern, in your position, about this arrangement would be what would happen when his parents need significantly more care and/or pass away. I'd expect that in this situation his parents will (understandably) expect him to spend more time caring for them as their care needs increase so he will have less time to spend with you. When one of them passes away I'd also expect him to need to spend more time with the remaining parent. Obviously the same can apply to someone who does not live with their parents but in this case it seems clear that the arrangement that allows him to have enough money to be comfortable without any great effort is that he provides help to his parents. How would you feel if he was not able to see you as often as he currently does because he was needed by his parent/s? What if this meant that he could not stay over/stay out late/go on holidays with you etc because of his caring obligations? I think this situation is slightly different from the usual situation of adults with ageing parents because he is not likely to want them to sell their house to pay for care plus his sibling and/or parents are likely to see this as his obligation in return for years of rent free living.
I'd also be concerned about what he expects to happen when his parents' house eventually has to be sold. If it is after the death of both parents is he prepared financially and emotionally to find somewhere to live on his own or is he going to expect to stay with you? If the house needs to be sold to pay for his parents' care would be be in a position to find somewhere else to live?
It's probably not going to be easy but in your shoes I'd want to have an open discussion with him about what his plans are for the future. If he doesn't really have one I'd be concerned that he thinks there is a fall back of living with you.

Yes, but I think it probably works out. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to bills and what he brings probably costs slightly more than food I cook, which I mostly do because I enjoy cooking. Chatting while I cook with a bottle of wine is one of my favourite things to do.

He acknowledges he's staying there for mostly financial reasons. He can afford to move out but his life would be less fun if he did

That sounds fine to me. Seems to be a pretty valid reason for living with his parents and it's not like he's scrounging off you when he comes over.

"I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future"

Yes, financially he is potentially very vulnerable.

You say (re potential inheritance) "Yes, there's a brother and the house would have to be split, but it's a significant house in a nice area, so whilst he'd have to move, you'd expect he'd have some cash, although no one knows what will happen re care costs etc."

As you've spotted, that 'significant house' could easily all be spent on care home costs; leaving him with to fund himself from savings and earnings only. Would that be enough with housing costs as they are these days?

That’s wonderful then! Sounds like he makes good use of the extra time he has.

Plenty of good “labour” goes unpaid but is essential. Parenting or caring for elderly relatives are obvious examples but it sounds like he makes himself valuable to those around him in lots of ways.

I'd say it sounds perfect. All the fun with none of the obligations. And that goes for both of you.

I'd just be sure to find a way to gently but firmly let him know that cohabitating is not in the picture,now or in the future.

He's content now and happy to provide care for his dad. But you never know when that may change. And you don't want him to be 'making plans' in his mind that you aren't aware of.

If he's there to care for them they may not need a care home, certainly not as early as others without someone around to provide domestic assistance and do all the chores

Ahh ok, as long as it evens out!

Everything else sounds fine OP, enjoy it 😊

That’s even more worrying. They should be encouraging him to live a proper, independent life. And of course life is ‘more fun’ without financial worries and only having to pay a pittance so being able to work P/T and spend time on hobbies.

It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, but I’d find this hugely unattractive now after seeing how it plays out in reality with my ex. I’d also never, ever date anyone who still lived at home like a giant baby.

I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how I see it. It’s an abnegation of adulthood and a desire to be mummied and worshipped by his parents.

I wouldn't ike this type of man at all. Too unambitious. Too enmeshed. Probably immature. Hardship and challenge is what builds character, and he seems to be sitting out adult life just because he is too lazy. Relying on an inheritence that may well be spent on care is stupid. I would understand someone living with parents temporarily to help them, or to build savings, but like this, no way.

How old are you both? Do you have children @Duvetafternoon?

He's happy, he's comfortable living with his parents and presumably when they're gone he'll inherit and carry on living there. No problems.

You say you're worried about his future. But what worries you? And do you actually worry that you wouldn't be able to count on him if something went tits up for you, health or work wise? Just curious.