Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

Actually yes, I've been unwell the last few days and I haven't been so well looked after since I was a child!

He often arranges trips out etc

He doesn't cook, but does help with the clearing up, makes the tea etc.

Semantics, Betty. You do seem awfully keen on him.

He sounds great. A man who cares for his parents will be a caring person. I have a friend who did the same for his, and in his case didn’t leave home as his dad’s health declined. His parents died after a stroke and old age, and he recently got married.

Sounds like a keeper. As long as a man has lived alone or with a partner, living with parents as they age isn’t a bad thing.
Better than living alone and having no social life or just lad friends.
He sounds like he has a really rich mixture.

Not really, sunshine.

• Younger than OP
• Part time freelance (sounds vague and flaky)
• Looking to early retire at 47
• No responsibilities
• He does not help with the chores

Red flags left right and centre.

I'm not searching for them, but I don't want to ignore them if they're there.

I’d want to know exactly the set up over there with his parents does he pay his way? does he cook his meals and does he partake in household chores?

If he’s doing none or very little of these things and is doing the bare minimum for you OP (just the easy stuff!) then I’d say he has a very nice life indeed at yours and his parents expense!

Who said he's looking to retire? It's me who about to retire. He's 7 years younger than me, which would be nothing if it were then other way around at our age

He pays roughly what a room in a houseshare would cost him. He does his own food shopping and cooking, although mum does a roast on Sunday which he's welcome to when he's around - much the same as his brother who lives elsewhere is.

I doubt his mum wants him to do much in the way of chores but he looks after the cat when they're away, gives lifts to hospital appointments and church, runs errands etc.

My bad, I thought it was him who was claiming to retire soon.
Just ask yourself how many couples do you know that would be akin to your situation?
In fact, if you are opening this thread is because there is something bugging you.
Something feels off. You know it.

It wouldn’t work for me, OP.

I recognise its unusual, which is making me question things. I don't think it feels off, but don't thinks there's any harm in questioning things.

I can see the attraction to an easy life but it’s not realistic for most of us is it and I’d probably resent him pretty quickly.

Maybe when I had young Dc and a busy professional life I'd have found it hard to see him living the easy life, but my life's pretty easy these days and it's nice to be with someone who has the time to share it.

Of course! Absolutely no harm whatsoever, on the contrary.
But do remember this. Worries are like a snow ball getting larger and larger as it rolls down the slope. What now is just a minor nag, it will be a voice shouting into your head in due course unless you take the necessary steps to prevent it.
You need to make sure that this main is 100% genuine in his intentions and he is not actually planning something.
You would not be the first one or the last one to fall for this kind of stuff.

I'm a big fan of each paying your way and only spending time together when it's better together than apart.

My only concern would be that the need for care of his parents would increase so that he no longer had time to spend with you. So long as you are very clear yourself that you would not be helping with any of that then have at it.

Societies expectation of women providing support for others can be so powerful ...

I had a neighbour (similar age) who lived with his mum after a career that involved a lot of international travel for months at a time. By the time he came back (middle aged with no savings), she and him got on so well that it seems like a win-win.
He had a partner but there was never a future in it, so different to your situation.

It's not traditional in our culture but not a red flag in my book and I wish you all the best

You have an entire house to run fund and maintain entirely alone while he probably barely lifts a finger at his parents. That would be resentment enough for me.

I think the lack of ambition would bother me. Is that a factor for you, OP? Obviously there's ambition for his hobby, but that's not equivalent.

I think it would be different an issue if he'd been living with his parents all of his life, as he wouldn't have the life experience to have a real relationship.

But it sounds to me like he just didn't fancy living alone, and why should he if his parents are happy to have him at home? They enjoy each others company I imagine, and supports his parents with errands. Sounds like a good guy.

@Duvetafternoon only thing that would bother me and I’d change is … if you are cooking and heating a home and using your electric /gas for meals . He should be picking up the food to be cooked or the takeaway the nights you’re not cooking .
Not the odd takeaway and not the odd dessert or wine. .
Something more fair . Apart from that enjoy it for what it is ?

@Duvetafternoon Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

I don't understand the question really, or if it's a question? I don't understand the idea of an 'almost perfect man lives with his parents'. To me, living with parents as a full grown adult would be a big turn off. What is almost perfect about it? Really no idea.

I’d probably get the ick to be fair. It’s not that what he’s doing is necessarily wrong it’s just the disparity between that and what you are doing. I’d lose attraction.

Eww. If I had to penny pinch like that, I just wouldn't date. Tallying up gas and electric used?!

Presumably OP would be cooking with or without him.

Better than being used!