Almost perfect man lives with his parents.

[Duvetafternoon]

47 yo, never been married, no kids. Had spells when he's rented a flat or lived with a partner, but returned home during lockdown when a relationship failed.

I've met his parents who are lovely and like having him around. They're getting older and he's useful at home, dad needs some care, which he helps with.

He currently does some freelance work which means he has "enough" to enjoy life without having to work that hard. A very nice lifestyle, which gives him plenty of time to skend with me (now working PT as I wind down to early retirement). He does contribute financially at home, but obviously not what running his own place would cost.

I am single, a bit older, with my own mortgage free place. He absolutely will not be moving in here (no one will) but he does spend a lot of time here. I'm happy with that, it suits me that I'm in my own home and whilst I'll often cook and obviously pay all the bills, he'll bring wine or dessert and the odd takeaway, so I don't feel taken advantage of. If does sometime bother me that he has two houses where he has all the benefits and none of the responsibility!

In every other way he's lovely and I love having him around, I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live and worry for his future, but as I have no intention of combining finances with anyone at this stage in my life, that doesn't matter?

You might have guessed, I'm an overthinker and a planner, in a way, being around someone more laid back is doing me good. I'd hate such an uncertain way of life for myself, but I'll admit I'm also slightly jealous that he's worked out this lifestyle for himself. Jealous in that I admire someone able to do it, not bad feelings towards him!

I'm presuming he is banking on inheriting their house so he feels he doesn't need to set himself up now. That would be a bit iffy in my mind. Does seem a bit lazy.

I also meant to add that I was a bit older than my ex too, and I also owned my own house. Just like yours, he’d bring a bottle of wine while I cooked. It took me some time to realise that he wasn’t who he appeared to be; that he didn’t care about me as an individual; and that he was simply lining up another ‘mummy’ to spoil him.

No I don't find him lazy at all. He's very much a let's make that happen kind of person.

I don't think he's banking on the inheritance so much as doesn't worry about these things. He only has himself to worry about, doesn't need much, he'd find a way to make things work. Over the years he done all sorts of kinds of work on a needs must basis.

i'd find this deeply unattractive but if you don't, carry on.
I would be very wary about attempts to move in.

He won't be moving in. No one will.

Well I am Asian and this way of living is common, but I found men living at home unattractive, so I got as far away from them as I could. However all my relatives live this way or some version of it.

I do find it interesting that if this was a woman living with her parents for the same reasons and with a similar life history, I'm pretty sure there would be far less negative comments. Why, when it's a man, is he considered a 'mummy's boy' 😒

Because women tend to actually do the laundry.
I wouldnt be keen on dating a woman who lived with parents either, but I expect my views have not caught up with housing prices!

I'd be negative regardless of gender to be honest.

I prefer partners to have a bit more get up and go about them.

I can't be doing with people who coast. You only get one life, live it to the max, do something memorable, or at least claim your independence.

But I suppose Asian men do work full time and support their parents financially not the other way around?

I think I would have felt like that once, but now I quite admire someone who has set things up to do things differently and enjoy life.

A significant bereavement has definitely changed my attitude towards lots of these things.

Yes, generally they do.

Sounds absolutely fine for someone your only ever going to be dating and not combining households/ finances with.

He sounds a decent sort. He's not a freeloader, gives back to his parents care wise and isn't expecting you to look after him. Just enjoy it.

I can see that too. I guess he's fun to be around, unlike so many grumpy middle aged men.

If you say adimentenly you will never move him in with you, why are you so concerned about his living arrangements? You are searching for red flags.

What's his pension plan, op?

Someone who relies on others just wouldn't do it for me.

"I just sometimes struggle with the idea that this is how a grown man wants to live"

Multigenerational living has many benefits, both for the individuals involved, the economy and the environment. But since you think it's inferior or not "adult" enough for your taste, you should at least be honest with him and let him decide if he wants to be with someone who denigrates his lifestyle.

Is it equal though? If he stays with you a lot, does he help clean or do anything to contribute beyond wine or dessert and the odd takeaway? If he's strictly 50/50 on eating out, he needs to extend that to be 50/50 on domestic jobs too.

He sounds fun OP, so have fun!

So what?

Does he need to be changing adult nappies to make his care of his father significant in your eyes?

Honestly, it sounds like you are talking about a stepson you disapprove of rather than a sex partner or boyfriend. How much older are you?

If I'm properly honest with myself I think maybe I'm concerned about how it looks. Outwardly he's not much of a catch,

And you're a great catch?
Hopefully he doesn't care how others see his relationship with you.

If people were discussing a SAHP who does childcare or eldercare in the derogatory way they are discussing this man, who has made the decision to stay off the career track in favour of enjoying family life, the pitchforks would be out. But because it's a man not working full-tilt in the paid worforce, he's an immature slacker who will end up on the streets or taking advantage of hardworking OP. Honestly the double standards here!

I know quite a lot of people who have chosen to live simply and prioritise a passion (fell running, rock climbing etc) over the rat race and I see it as very positive. Life is for living but then I'm not ambitious myself and don't find it a very attractive quality.

OP everybody's happy - you, your bloke, his parents. I don't see the problem - enjoy it.