I am a narcissist

[ohyesido]

I am. But I'm not a horrible person.

I lack empathy but I've learned that it isn't nice to manipulate people.

Yet I still do, only in such a way that no one can ever really accuse me of it. Because I twist my words to indicate that I have everyone's best interests at heart.

Everything I do is calculated to ensure I get my own way while maintaining a facade of good intentions

Can anyone relate?

@Anonforthisofcourse That is alarming to hear because it’s so different to my reactions when I believed my children were in danger. If I put my emotions aside, I’m very aware that many parents strongly believed they would (and I believe they had every intention to) protect their kids. However, they became frozen and unable to take action in time. I guess it’s because your intention to protect isn’t there - it’s very chilling.

But, I asked the question, I got the answer.

Do you try and prevent danger, for example do you make sure they are not playing to close to road etc.?

Crikey yes that sounds complex. There are probably different ways people with similar traits behave. I don’t know if it was you or another pp who said even those they love are replaceable and that’s exactly what my ex is like. Once when he was visiting to see the kids I asked him how he felt on his drives back home (he lived a few hours drive away) he said as soon as he was gone he never thought about us (even if we’d all had a lovely, family orientated weekend). It was so odd to me but over the years I got used to it. It’s like you only exist if you are standing in front of him. 🤷‍♀️

Yes I did.
They are adults now.
I did everything that a parent of a child is expected to do.

I understand the roles and how to perform them and have always played the part.
I ju as I play the part of child, spouse, sibling, friend, neighbour and so on.

I understand how you have to behave. I do what you are expected to do. I just don't care. I don't feel anything and I know that people normally do.

No, my DC aren't replaceable. It wasn't me

I’ve known him a long time (nearly 30 yrs) and I can't really see any situations where he has craved or needed attention. He’s very self sufficient, super organised. Actually, having just said that I remember when I had our first baby he was very resentful of the fact I wasn’t paying him enough attention. He’d get very stroppy because my “hello how was your day” when he walked through the door wasn’t sufficient for him. I thought he was ridiculous and immature and it caused problems as he would say sarcastically that it was me and the baby and him on the sidelines, he was like a tantrumy toddler instead of a middle aged professional man. I don't know if that is a typical trait. (Thank god he’s my ex).

You mean you repossess peoples cars. So your a repo person?

Do you mean that you don’t really care about the welfare and well being of your children. Not the facade you but the real you?

Perhaps you’re just self absorbed OP.

Yep!

Care. No. Take care. Yes. There are serious consequences for failing to take care of your children.

People generally don't like to believe people like me exist but we do. We blend in, despite people thinking you can always tell. You can't. We play the part so well it's like a second skin. In a way it becomes you. It's just not really you.

Interesting thread. Although OP doesn't sound like a narcissist in the slightest.

As someone who was raised by a sociopath, I can tell you it's no fun to be the child of one. It's damaging when you end up discarded because you are no longer useful to your parent.

Trust me, we know from a very young age that we aren't loved. You don't mask as well as you think you do.

P.S Schizophrenia is NOT a personality disorder.

This sounds exactly like my ex husband. Our relationship was good until we had our first baby - he literally couldn't deal with no longer being the centre of attention.

I found he had a constant need for admiration and to be told how amazing he was. He was and is incredibly controlling.

I am intrigued how you manipulate people to get what you want? Can you give examples?
I’m thinking I would see straight through a person like that and wouldn’t let you get your own way, but I may be wrong and just can’t see it.

What an interesting thread!

I don't think all narcissists and psychopaths are awful people. They're capable of being more awful, more easily, than the rest of us. Most, though, are self-aware and just want to get on with living a reasonably pleasant life, so they adopt pro-social behaviours and don't go around being awful. We're quick enough to acknowledge 'masking' in autism; people with other mental miswiring do it too.

All of these things exist on a spectrum - there are people with excessive empathy, which can be as much of a problem. Some people have such low empathy that they can't 'mask' enough to function well in society, and we've all met one or two people who are so in love with themselves that they don't function well either.

Having a very high or low score on some aspects of personality doesn't equate to a personality disorder, though: it's all part of humanity's infinite variety. People with PDs are what we used to call "mad" - they can't hide their deeply abnormal world-views for long, they always show up if you know them for any length of time.

Me, I'm well aware I need to be more narcissistic for my own good 😂 I'll be coming back to this thread to see if I can learn anything useful!

You wouldn’t see through me. I tend to work out very quickly exactly what the other person wants to hear, and reflect that back at them. People are usually so nice that they take whatever you say at face value. I don’t generally manipulate on a daily basis though, although I have built up a persona in work that serves me extremely well, and is fairly opposite to my true nature. It’s taken me a long time and comes in very useful at times.

I’m actually a pretty good person, I just would cut you off the minute I lose interest, and I find most people painfully boring. I don’t manipulate for fun because it doesn’t fit with my ‘quid pro quo’ idea of how society should work; if I do that, what’s to stop the chain reaction of others following suit, and that would be an awful way to exist. However, if you get on the wrong side of me, that’s a different story. Perhaps contradictorily though, I don’t hold a grudge. I simply don’t care once the moment has passed, so I’d be unlikely to commit crime or hurt someone because a) I don’t care for long enough, and b) the thought of getting caught and ruining my own life is a dreadful one

Not dismissing your experience but I am a diagnosed Sociopath and I DO love my children. I also find they can be "useful" but then can't everyone?
They will never be discarded though
As someone else said its a spectrum, sociopaths can love its just something we have to consciously choose.

Mum is that you?

I would encourage everyone on here who is neither sociopath or narcissist to think carefully. Both types like the idea that they can fool you or are better. The evidence is however that they don't fool their children, who tend to have psychological problems later in life.

That is because as parents these types are externally motivated, ie "what do I look like to others". They are callous.

What you are seeing here is one side of Jekyll and Hyde personality. Both these psychological types enjoy fooling people (it's key to them getting a partner and having children). They will naturally never tell you of the damage they will have done to their children and other people.

Or we don't care enough about your opinion to bother lying to you.
There is no benefit to me at all in fooling anyone on here and its nice to be able to be honest for once.
You are very determined that I am damaging my children, I am probably less likely to damage them than a lot of "normal" parents because I know who I am and deliberately work at not doing so.
Every single day I have to think about making sure I don't parent in the same way my parents did and I do a bloody good job of it.
I say again I love my DC and they know it. Its just the rest of the world I couldn't care less about.

Gosh no! She has a very fractious relationship with her now adult children but doesn’t understand why. She has fallen out with every neighbour and friend she’s ever had ( I haven't dropped her as we only see each other every few years now due to physical distance). There’s no point in me telling her.

I do find it shocking that you don’t actually care about your children’s welfare, that they could die or be in pain and the real you doesn’t care. That’s an incredibly sad way to be. I would hate to be a narcissist, nothing is real to them. Not even the welfare of a child. It’s really a sickness isn’t it.

Its certainly not a choice

OP you are not a narcissist, more self absorbed I would say.

You are taking accountability in a strange way but still doing it which narcs dont do- they protect their image at all costs to the point they will either ignore or be blissfully unaware of their actions. They also have no guilt and find a way to 'get off' with anything mainly by blaming other ppls actions for theirs.

I saw another thread on here that had a total narc on it, you will see the difference. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5255371-not-admitting-to-dh-about-my-sexting-with-other-older-men

@bombastix was addressing those of without disorder Hopping. She's informed, she doesn't need you telling her you don't care, she's comfortably aware of that.

We all question the meaning of life at one point or another, and for me it comes down to love (essentially). You live to love and be loved, so one without the other is a life half lived.
I've suffered heartache and loss throughout my life as most of us have, I've felt grief that's brought me to my knees. Fortunately the welcome emotions of joy and appreciation are the more common, there is no feeling like holding your child in your arms after a (even short!) period apart. It's impossible not to feel sorrow for people who have never experienced that in an authentic way (and never will).

Yes of course a narcissist or sociopath does not "care". They are not capable of that.

If motivated, they will work very hard to look like they do. But emotionally that feeling does not exist. They do not love their children.