I am a narcissist

[ohyesido]

I am. But I'm not a horrible person.

I lack empathy but I've learned that it isn't nice to manipulate people.

Yet I still do, only in such a way that no one can ever really accuse me of it. Because I twist my words to indicate that I have everyone's best interests at heart.

Everything I do is calculated to ensure I get my own way while maintaining a facade of good intentions

Can anyone relate?

Also true, I am enjoying the attention.
The shock value is also fun, we have a very very low boredom threshold.
The main reason I am still here though is that its really unusual for me to be able to express most of this, imagine the RL reaction if I admitted any of this out loud?
Its quite liberating to be able to be truthful for once.
It might be hard to believe but I don't harm anyone and actually help lots of people, I would be seen as a "good" person I am sure. The main difference is that a lot of the time I am fighting my nature. In fact I do think that the fact that I recognise who I really am but don't act on it in some ways makes me a better person that someone who finds it easy to be "good"

@Mirabai

The term schizophrenic also says nothing about a PD in the dictionary, but yet you admit that it’s a PD.

So perhaps getting your information from the dictionary or off some random google page isn’t a full representation of the truth.

The term also comes from the Greek language which predates the actual PD diagnosis.

I’ve just got out my DSM-5-TR and taken a photo of the NPD section for anyone interested in the diagnostic criteria.

Just for information only, not passing judgement.

The order is left, top right, bottom right.

Well at least we are honest
You could also be faking all your relationships but aren't willing to admit it to yourself or anyone else.
As I said before for some reason you are trying to upset those of us who are sharing honestly but its a waste of your time.

Despite all my trauma around narcissism this comment really make me laugh...

Because it is just SO self congratulatory and textbook of exactly how I would expect you to view yourself 😂

I can't say whether or not you are being truthful about not harming others and being seen as a "good" person (or if you deserve to be)... I really hope you are.

But I learned my lesson a very long time ago and having hope around a narcissist just keeps you on that hamster wheel desperately seeking some delicious love bombing.

That's the real kicker.
Nothing feels more amazing and more addictive than when you guys switch it on.

Other people are like mashed potatoes without seasoning in comparison. When you take that special attention away, the whole world feels grey and cold.

Try not to do that shit to your kids. They'll just end up seeking out a partner exactly like you, and chances are that person won't give a shit about destroying them.

Above everything else I am determined that my DC are better than me, although if its genetic (which I believe it partly is) it might not be easy.
DH is great though and is certainly not faking any feelings about anything and I try to parent in a way that is the opposite to my own parents so hopefully my kids will be OK.
What everyone telling me and others to stop being what we are seem to have difficulty understanding is that nobody wakes up one day and decides to have NPD or be a Sociopath or whatever. We just ARE but some of us know its not right and we try not to be or to limit it as much as we possibly can.
Every day I make a conscious effort NOT to manipulate people or to be a decent human being and so far I think I manage most of the time. I work against my nature and its hard so yes the mask can slip at times but never with my DC.

So I’ve gone off onto an AMA but how do your children present?

I've not had chance to read the whole thread as yet, but I just came on to offer my opinion. I know a narcissist, genuinely think he is evil. However, he would never even consider that he is anything other than perfect, let alone admit having a personality disorder. I don't believe true narcissists are able to self reflect enough for that, they are entirely blameless.

This is true, my Father was like this.
Maybe I am not so bad then as I know I am not like most people and I know its not ok. I am not like my Father I am pretty sure

I may be being sucked into your web as a mere pawn but I’ve actually taken what you have said at face value. If you get a kick out of it so be it, I think it’s refreshing to hear such honesty (and I personally DO believe you and other pps are being honest). And maybe that is a ‘morbid curiosity’ on my part (and other posters), but we have a fascination with lives different to our own, surly that’s human nature.

Sorry I’ve forgotten if you think you are narcissistic or a sociopath.

But if you are not diagnosed, why do you think you’re that?
And why not a different PD or have attachment issues or trauma or ND?

I’m not saying you’re not, but these things are often linked or have similar traits and so I’m wondering why you think that and not something else.

For many years I was seen as a potential psychopath. I had to see specialists as a child because I lacked so much empathy apparently.

I do not have fear like a regular person. I don’t cry and I don’t have normal emotions. I won’t ever get married because I have never and will never be able to become attached to someone on such a deep level.
So it surprises me to read you have a partner and more than 1 child.

I know that part of my brain is absolutely faulty or missing.

I seem to lack empathy because I don’t cry or get frustrated or worried etc but I actually have huge empathy, I just don’t show it in the typical way.

I love animals and I feel so much love for my DC and nieces and nephews etc. If I saw a child getting raped and tortured then it would hurt me inside so much.
But I just can’t always show it in the normal way.

As I’ve gotten older it is more apparent that it is through trauma (and possibly ASD) that my brain switched off or reduced the area where most people would have their emotions like fear or empathy, to protect me. Like a soldier in a war our brains are pretty good at trying to protect us in that way.

Many kids who are sexually abused develop schizophrenia because as a child they imagined they are somewhere/someone else to mentally escape the abuse and then their brains struggle to know what is reality and what isn’t.

Attachment issues are also often key to many of these disorders.

If you’ve been officially diagnosed then that’s different but I would definitely look deeper into it if not, as it could be something else instead or a mixture of a couple of different things.

I didn’t realise this thread would become so interesting.

I'm really not.

I say I would die for my children because I understand that is what a parent is supposed to say.

I realise that is shocking. I understand that people are shocked by it and their reaction to that is to insult me and perhaps try to say things that they think will bother me. Which is a waste of time really since I don't care that people are shocked by it. Their shock does not negatively affect my life so it is of no importance to me. I could read a page of insults and feel no different that if I was reading a shopping list. If they are of no use to me and / or cannot negatively affect me then they are of no importance, nothing they say matters and I have no reason to play the good person for you.

I am being completely honest here because I am anonymous and I can't say it anywhere else because I would lose things I need if I did. even though a part of me desires to shout it from the rooftops so to speak.

One thing I am is interested. Fascinated even, in how other people think and react. what upsets them. what bothers them, what's going on inside their heads, why they see things the way they do. Probably because understanding all this benefits me when interacting with them.

What? Schizophrenia is not a PD. Nor have I ever said it was.

Someone who doesn’t know that does not work in this area.

I used the dictionary to explain a point you were having trouble understanding.

Schizophrenia is a 20c term, it was coined from Latin/Greek as those are the languages of medical terminology, and unknown in Ancient Greece. It was combined from skhizein - split and phren - mind. The old name for schizophrenia (ie 19c) was Dementia praecox.

My ex definitely has some kind of narc and sociopath traits but he isn’t at all interested in being the centre of attention. His biggest flaw is probably lack of empathy. I have often commented that he must get plugged in to a charger each night because he’s more android than human.

@Anonforthisofcourse Would you protect your children if they were in danger though? Even if it put your life at risk?

@ELMhouse
You aren't a pawn and I wouldn't say I am getting a kick out of anything here but its very nice to be able to be honest and whether people believe it or not (I don't care) I am actually being truthful about my relationships
@Wonderi I was raised by Narcs (1 diagnosed) and I recognise some traits but 2 medical professionals have said I am a Sociopath, as has a counsellor I saw once. My research also suggests I am.
Never been sexually abused or had any particular trauma and I do think its a type of ND.
I am genuinely not a bad person who is destroying my kids lives, i just have to work against my nature and most of the time I manage it
I would never admit to any of this IRL

no.

I think I would, its never been tested though so I am not completely sure.
Unlike @Anonforthisofcourse I DO love them and don't understand the idea that they could be replaced and I wouldn't care. I do wonder if some of the srtong feelings are due to the fact that I created them . They are their own people though.

Attention can come in different forms, it's not necessarily holding court in a crowded room.

I would be curious if he received his attention needs in other ways.

I think it’s just quite surprising to hear someone being so honest about having kids, knowing that they will be damaged and not caring.

I have met many fathers who feel the same and genuinely don’t care if the kids live or die or can easily SA them because they have absolutely no connection to them.

I think most readers, including myself, struggle purely because we know how awful it must be for the kids and how they will have to carry this damage for the rest of their lives.

If you’d accidentally had a child and you’re choosing to try and do the right thing by being a parent and raising them then I would understand.

But to go out of your way and create a life knowing that you can never be a good parent, is quite hard to read.

I admire your honesty though.

Interestingly nobody would describe me as emotionless, quite the opposite in fact. I tend to reflect back whatever emotions I get from other people but magnified so if someone is nice to me I will be nicer, if they are angry I am angrier etc.
Its all very complex I suppose

If your parent was a narcissist, does that not mean you had some trauma or attachment issues purely from that?
As narcissists are not good parents.

Is that where the sociopath comes from or is it completely separate?

It might also help to include the general criteria for PDs.

Do you have the ICD-11 too?

Probably, emotion was a weakness at best or a tool at worst in my house. Maybe I just learned it was better not to have any?
I think because I was never physically hurt, had material things and would generally say my childhood was ok I never saw my parents as bad until I was an adult. My father didn't really let his mask slip until after my grandad died, apparently its not unusual for a Narc to be kept in check by an authority figure.
My Mum never let hers slip and I don't think I figured her out until reasonably recently, all my friends thought she was amazing.