Not admitting to DH about my sexting with other older men

[Sundayschildseizestheday]

About 10 years ago, I was active online and started chatting sexually to men online. I had some very sexual experiences.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online. Ive since found out he knows about it, I didnt delete my chats and he read them. I found out he knows because I read his internet history.

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

I can see why my actions caused DH to act the way he did and how much its impacted his self esteem. He has changed as a result.

I have no need for the conversation personally, I'm over it, forgotten about until I found out he knew and if I regretted it I think I would have had the conversation by now.

AIBU not having the conversation and taking accountability?

Is this a reverse?

How would you feel if it were the other way around?

Lol it's all about you isn't it?

🙄

Reverse

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

Sounds like marital bliss. You carry on as you are. He’s a very lucky man.

Just this really

There's a few elements that must be stressing him out about this

The secret sexting/camming

Your daddy fetish

Whether you've had an actual affair

Whether you're attracted to him given the aforementioned daddy fetish and whether he's fulfilling your needs

You did the sexting when your husband was secretly out, how does that work, did you not notice his not being at home?

Leave your husband, you don't love him enough to give him any kind of respect or give any kind of shit about his feelings.

So you may be over you cheating on him, but he probably isn't.

Grow the fuck up and have an adult conversation

Are you actually happy being married to each other, because what you are saying describes a couple who have been unfaithful to each other 10 years ago and have then spent the last 10 years distrusting and sniping at each other about it.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online.

so you both were cheating on each other at the same time but he is the only one officially who has been found out so instead of you both taking responsibility for your own behaviour and working on a new healthier dynamic you throw his behaviour in his face when he seems to be bringing up your (similar behaviour) to shut him and any conversation which could clear away the past down. Which essentially means you both will always be stuck in this toxic relationship dynamic.

is this right?

Why are you even together?

I can't understand if OP is saying he was acting out his sexual fantasies online or if she was doing so while he was out. Can you clarify OP? As in you were both doing the same thing or just you?

Not that it makes a difference, anyone doing that without the other's consent is in the wrong.

So I'm not sure what you are asking for here.

So, because you're over it, you ignore his need for closure and his need to understand why.

This thread really shows the importance of punctuation! I think maybe the OP wanted to say:

OPTION 1: "I did this (whilst DH was out), in secret, acting out (my) sexual fantasies online." (aka OP was sexting online in secret, while her DH was out)

OR

OPTION 2: "I did this, whilst DH was out in secret, acting out (his) sexual fantasies online." (aka OP did this while her DH was off on his own secret sexting mission)

You sound like a catch.

lol, you’re not wrong! I read it as option 1, in that op was up to their shenanigans whilst DP was out.

If so, OP is being very unreasonable, I think it’s selfish and harsh that OP is expecting DP to just get over it. Had the information not been left/undeleted he’d be none the wiser but it was undeleted, he did find it so he is owed a conversation.

You don't need to admit it. He has already found you out and knows how disgusting you are.

Why he has stayed and not confronted you is beyond me. He must be an utter drip.

The pair of you are doomed to lasting unhappiness and resentment of each other unless you split up.

YABU. You effectively cheated and you're denying your partner the respect and decency of being honest about it.

I don't know how he's managed to remain calm about it for so long.

If you care about this man the very least you owe him is some honesty and an explanation.

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

I don't think I could be in a relationship where I didn't care about the other person's feelings and fulfilment.

Just a bit gross, can't be bothered giving you advice, you clearly don't need it

How could he make a decision like that when you won’t even have a conversation with him about it?

And to clarify… yes, it is “that bad”. You had sexually explicit conversations with other men whilst in a relationship. Nobody who loves their partner does that.