Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

Both I think. But I think they are a necessary part of the grieving process.

Weirdly I always find funerals end up being quite nice days in an odd way, people do their crying and being sad then they need to go and have a drink/chat/laugh with those closest to them. And they tend to be full of people you don’t see very often so you have a nice catch up.

I was at a funeral last week the the daughter of the deceased said the funeral tea was like a big family party and was really lovely.

I would imagine that everyone feels differently. However personally I think they are just something people feel obliged to have because it is expected of them, and can’t see what comfort it could bring. I expect that many people think otherwise though!

You don’t have to have a formal funeral btw, one of my extended family didn’t, just had an evening knees up and it was brilliant (along with an unattended cremation). They had a terminal illness though so had plenty of time to plan exactly what they wanted, and hence it felt much more like a celebration of their life.

I found my dad’s pretty dreadful and actually felt quite angry at the end at the people who turned it into a party. When my mum dies, I’d prefer not to have a funeral at all but I doubt my siblings will agree.

I think it will depend on the family and the situation...when we had my grandma's funeral the whole village church was packed out (she'd lived in the same village all her life) and it was lovely to see everyone.

We don't usually have wakes after wards in Italy, we did a procession down to the graveyard instead. I wouldn't say it was a jolly atmosphere, but it wasn't awful...she'd lived 90 years and had a whole host of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren saying goodbye. I had a nice catch up with all the cousins.

I don't think you can make any kind of blanket statement about how it is for anyone. Circumstances of age, closeness of different relations within the family, personalities, financial situation, previous experience of death and bereavement etc etc.

All kinds of different experiences.

It was my grandmothers funeral last month. I understand why people have them but they're horrid. You're already upset and then you have to listen to sad readings and slow, sad songs and cry in front of everyone. Hated it. I don't want a funeral. Cremation in private and a gathering with food and drink .

My Dad’s was wonderful. It was very personal to him, so many people said lovely things and shared great memories, then we had a few drinks in his favourite pub. It ended up being quite jolly, just as he would have wanted it. I found it very cathartic and comforting.

I find them really awful and unhelpful to the grieving process, but everyone is different. Some people need them for closure.

It’s different being at a funeral as a guest rather than close family.

The family are already having a rough time. The funeral is a step of progress in their grief, and can feel like a relief. Time to move on to the next steps, preparing for life without the missing person. It closes the period of illness, shock etc, and moves into recovery (however slowly).

For the guest, it’s a terrible couple of hours interrupting normal life.

Depends. Ive been to funerals where the vicar got the name wrong - awful
and I’ve been to funerals where it was more of a celebration of the persons life ie no black and a ‘party’ atmosphere

So much variation

I dont find them awful nor have I felt on display when up the front row. In some ways they are a comfort in others a closure and obviously they are the final goodbye.

A spectacle is not something I've found personal funerals. Obviously state funerals are different there.

There’s usually loads going on beneath the surface too- someone who barely knew the deceased is sobbing into a hanky not because they are an attention seeker but because they are revisiting a grief of their own they haven’t finished with.

And there will be the attention seeker, and the competitive mourner as well, of course.

I’m not British, but lived in the UK for years, and I do think the timing of (most of) your funerals is partly what makes them so hard. In fact I think three weeks, or whatever is the average, might be the most difficult possible moment for a funeral — after the first grief/shock, but before you’ve had a chance to come to terms with things on a longer term basis.

Depends. I was chatting to a traveller yesterday who was explaining how he had spent 10s of 1000s on funeral.

It was really important to him as part of the grieving, right down to how many horses pulled the hearse.

I will probably never attend one again...I've only been to about 6 and I'm mid 60s.
Only ever been to cremations not a burial. I'm having a direct cremation.

I found my partner's funeral very difficult. It was a long time ago now but I felt as though everyone was looking at me and expected me to put on a public show of grief and I know I was judged because I didn't. If I had my way I'd never go to another one and I've told my now Dp that when I die I'd rather a direct cremation.

It's a personal preference, we planned mil to reflect her life and the immediate family got huge comfort from the fact over 100 people made the effort to travel to it (she was nearly 90). For others this formal style might be awkward but it suited us

@GutsyShark
Both I think. But I think they are a necessary part of the grieving process

No they aren't, they may be necessary for some people but they definitely aren't for everyone. We had no funeral or service of any kind for my Dad when he died and it was 100% the right thing to do for our whole family.
We won't have one when my Mum dies or when any of us die.
We don't need a funeral for 'closure' - the person has DIED so that's the closure bit. If we are missing them or feeling sad then we talk to each other and support each other but we do that in an organic way not at a fixed time and place like a funeral.

Also, it's much much cheaper so better for a lot of families

I find funerals helpful and comforting though difficult but the loss of someone is of course devastating with or without one. I’d never want to have a direct funeral especially after that Funeral Director scandal last year in Hull.

And I agree with DappledThings.

Funerals are part of the circle of life. We attend christenings, bar mitzvahs, weddings and funerals. I don’t like big funerals. I think they are for the family and close friends. Accompanying my mother to her last resting place was both a duty and an honour. And we were comforted by the family and friends who accompanied us on that sad afternoon.

Helpful for me. When my parent died I really appreciated that my friends turned up to support me, it was a lovely gesture and meant more than messages/flowers. Also opportunity to spend some time thinking about the deceased and saying goodbye. Then later to share stories.

However I do believe funerals are for the grieving so will make it clear to my children they can do whatever feels right for them and not to feel pressure for a certain type of funeral.

I have decided I am having a direct cremation . I think waiting for the funeral for families / children / friends , adds to the loss and pain . The stress of organising on top of their tears and deep sadness is awful . Waiting for the coffin to arrive weeks after the death , walking behind in the crem, sitting looking at it thinking , my loved one is in that box , then watching the curtain close , compounds the grief . I want to avoid this for my family . I've arranged for me /my body to be taken away as per normal by undertakers but there will be no funeral . No box or black cars to wait for , no weeks of waiting and organising. I've said to have a party ( if wanted ) at my house , lots of food and fun . This can be their farewell . I don't like funerals although I understand those who need them .

I'm Irish, my father's funeral was big, and went over two days as it's the custom here. I found it really comforting, a big help in the grieving process.

I gave the eulogy for both my parents at their funerals and it was cathartic for me to say out loud what they meant to me, to talk about their lives and values. I found it comforting to see old friends and to talk to them about their memories of my parents. They were emotional days but not distressingly so. With hindsight, and a clearer head I would do some things differently but on the whole they were a positive experience and helped my grief process

I do think too that we’ve had funeral rites for millennia in pretty much every country and culture for good reason.