Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

My sister died in a car crash aged 18. Her funeral had police directing traffic as so many people came. I was crying tears of rage at all the "nosy parkers" coming for a gawp at us, her family. Now with the benefit of age I can see they came to pay their respects. I'm sure some of them were there for the spectacle and to say they were there but in the majority their motives were good. But for me as her 17 year old sister it was too much to cope with. I have attended funerals of friends but thinking about it now I would prefer funerals to be private affairs.

I think it's a very personal thing. Some people hate funerals and others find them helpful milestones in the grief process. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

Personally, I find that funerals are generally positive, life-affirming events that help to remind us about what really matters in life. I have often found them quite uplifting, despite the sad circumstances.

Having very recently gone through the process of planning and organising a funeral for one of my parents, I would say that it was a lot of work and quite stressful at times, and that standing up and trying to hold things together while doing the eulogy was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. However, I would also say that I found it an immensely helpful process to go through, and it gave me real comfort to know that we had given my mum a good send-off. I didn't really feel "on display" - yes, my emotions were pretty raw and everyone could see that, but actually, everyone was very lovely and I felt really well supported by those who came to pay their respects.

Personally, I would find it hard not to have any kind of event to mark the passing of a loved one. But of course, I would respect the feelings of any family members who decided that they didn't want anything. DH and I have agreed that we will do whatever my dd thinks will help her most...it is ultimately more about what helps the people who are left behind as it won't matter a jot to those who have already passed on!

Why have you picked on my post to make this point? I’m not the only one to have expressed this opinion and I thought I made it clear it was my own experience.

@HotCrossBun

Because you come across as my way or the highway more than other posts.

Your opening paragraph assuming no one could possibly disagree with you if they'd organized the funeral of a close family member or friend. Telling us the celebrant was like a therapist, telling us how comforting it was to see all those people in the pews etc . It just felt too preachy out of a lot of the posts and I happen not to agree with most of it sorry.

It's almost a year that I lost my DGM. What got to me was the gap between death and funeral - 4 weeks. About 10-12 days before, I was just thinking I want the funeral to be done and over. My friend (a former colleague) lost her DM the day after my DGM and funeral was the day after DGM's. She was saying the same things.

My DGM wanted a simple, no frills funeral with just a coffin spray of flowers. No. Not according to her DGGD (33 years old), She ordered those "MUM" and "NAN" floral letters which DGM detested, thinking they are tacky. Myself, and my parents, even more so for DF (it was his DM) think the same. Plus got some flower seeds with DGM's dates and some vomit inducing poem about sprinkling them in memory of her. There are other things such as interring her ashes into the grave of her eldest DGS (DGGD's uncle) which my DF looked at the price for the cemetery in question - £2k.

No. The dead person is unaware. Funerals are for the survivors. It comes down to them balancing honouring the stated wishes of their loved one, and forcing themselves to do something they find desperately upsetting, and hopefully finding it possible.

It may of course make sense for the person whose funeral it is to ask someone not directly bereaved ahead of time to arrange a funeral according to their wishes, and then it’s up to their family and closer friends whether or not to attend.

What I like about Irish funerals is that it’s almost always within a couple of days of the death, and there’s minimal arranging or inviting. It’s all pretty automatic beyond cremation vs burial (cremation still comparatively unusual, but growing in popularity) and whether the first part is at home or in a funeral parlour. All details will be online, in the local papers, on local radio. But most importantly, people go to funerals all the time, and from childhood, not just those of close friends or immediate family, so it’s much more usual and less shocking.

The delay always sounds terribly hard to me, @Auburngal. Though a couple of English friends have said they would find the usual Irish timeline too rushed, so I suppose there’s an element of what’s culturally normal.

I'm not sure if funerals help me or not. I've definitely found the ones where the family of the deceased aren't on good terms much harder though.

but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face.

OP this is the reason that when (terminally ill) DP died we had a direct cremation. The last few months had been so traumatic I just couldn’t cope. It was a lovely local company and they let me meet the hearse at the crematory and watch DP go in.
Now, several months on, I do sort of wish we had given DP a send off. I feel I didn’t do them justice and I maybe deprived others of some closure, but I could only do what I, and teen DC, needed to do at the time after a horrendous death.
I have been to some funerals where my loved ones have had a lovely send off, but it’s not what I could face at the time.

I've been to a lot and organised one and a half (organised my dh's, shared organising my Dad's). For me, the long gap of weeks before dh's was really helpful, though I pretended I would have liked it to be sooner. His death was such a shock, and we were barely back into the house within the first week. I just wasn't ready before that. It was a cathartic, very sad but beautiful day and we were surrounded by people who loved and appreciated dh and only wanted to support us. I know ds found it helpful too. Dad's was a good process for us too.

To me, the idea of a direct cremation is really distressing- it looked as if we might have to choose one for my mother and I hated the idea and didn't think she would want it. So I'm glad that plans have changed. I think as well that dh might have chosen one for himself, but I'm so glad that he never expressed that wish.

When my father died we had a direct cremation but also a memorial event on the same day. It was fairly large (150?), about 6-7 weeks after his death (I couldn't have coped with it much earlier), in a nice venue, no undertaker, no "celebrant", no coffin (obviously), no black cars or black clothes. Lots of music, photos and personal tributes. I'm very glad we did it - it was certainly one of the better days around that time - and really appreciated the nice things people said to me. I'm also very glad we did it the way we wanted and didn't feel bound to have a traditional funeral.

We had a proper, somewhat more traditional funeral for my mother a few years earlier. For my grandmother's benefit largely. And also because my father found it easier to do the expected thing. It was ok. It certainly didn't make things worse.

I don't think there is 'one size fits all', but I have to agree with the very first reply on P1, that funerals can be quite cathartic for some people.

I took great comfort from seeing how many people wanted to come and say goodbye at both my parents' funerals.

Someone I knew, who died from cancer had said they didn't want a funeral as they weren't religious and they didn't see the point. After they died, a couple of months later, we were notified by her dh and adult dc, that they were going to arrange a gathering, because they needed it. No, the friend who died didn't - she was dead - but the immediate family felt there was a big gap and therefore invited family, friends, colleagues to an afternoon at a local social club, where a few people shared their memories, and everyone raised a glass to our friend.

I didn't find my parents' funerals stressful at all. They were both a celebration of the lives of two lovely people. It was great to hear stories from people afterwards, that I didn't even know, but who knew each of my parents from different things they belonged to.

My husband's funeral did give me comfort, but the organisation and the run-up to it was an ordeal.

It was during lockdown and his adult children and grandchild opted to view remotely from England, rather than travelling up to Scotland. There was a month between the death and the funeral.

Even though they didn't attend they wanted certain elements included, so I did what I could to oblige. In retrospect I am resentful, given that they wanted some control over an event that they didn't attend. I know that I shouldn't be - it's understandable that they'd want a say in the funeral, but I keep thinking that if they wanted control, at least one of them could have been there. I have no siblings and no children of my own.

Bear in mind that I was completely on my own and going mad with grief.

They asked that DH's ex represent them at the funeral. I told them that I'd expected that she would want to attend in any case. Her current boyfriend dropped her off and picked her up.

To my dismay, his daughter phoned me to say that "we" would have a celebration of his life at a later date. Firstly, the funeral was a celebration of his life - it was conducted by a humanist celebrant and included recordings of my husband's singing.

I know that people normally only say positive things about funerals, but - given that there were spaces left because of the non-attendance of the kids, some of my former colleagues attended. They phoned to tell me that it was the best funeral they'd ever attended. FWIW, afterwards the daughter did say that the funeral had been 'perfect'.

Secondly, in spite of the restricted number - 20 - most people who knew my husband were actually there. The only 'important' people not to attend were his two children and grandchild. My husband was in his early 80s and had outlived most of his friends. The idea of organising a second service under those circumstances seemed bizarre.

Were it not for the fact that three of my cousins attended and sat down the front, spaced out to comply with the regulations, I don't know how I would have managed.

Thirdly, I simply couldn't face the ordeal of organising and attending yet another service.

She seemed to understand, but then started banging on about "a wake after lockdown" - not something in our tradition. Maybe she wasn't aware of this, having lived away from home for so many years, but she has attended funerals up here. (My husband used to talk about "inviting folk back for the boiled ham and tea" - basically a meal intended to make sure that those who attended the funeral were fed - quite a different matter.)

In the end, she changed it to a "small family meal". That never happened. After the funeral, the ex turned up on my doorstep, trying to interfere with what I was doing with my husband's ashes. No, I wasn't the OW. She'd had another man. (The current chap is number 4.)

DH and I were married 27 years. I later realised that the kids had told her what was to happen with the ashes and she'd decided to interfere, in spite of the fact that I was carrying out his wishes. I'd made sure that her part in my husband's life was mentioned in the eulogy, but she seemed to take this as carte blanche to behave as the 'senior wife'.

A month or so later, I blew my top. We're no longer in contact. Maybe the kids organised their own celebration and wake. I have my doubts.

You could still have a memorial service now if you wanted?

My Dads funeral last year was really hard, but he was much loved and we had lots of nice pictures, stories and music, and my DB stood up and said some wonderful things we'd sat down and written together - I don't know how he managed it, I was in pieces.

My Mums however when it comes will be awful. She is, and has always been a very difficult person, and now has hideous dementia which has shone a light on and magnified the pre-existing unpleasant side to her. I get more and more worn down by the 'it's just because she's ill' brigade - no it's actually because she's not a nice person.

I am dreading her funeral. It's going to have to be a very basic service, and I really can't think of a single nice memory. God that makes me sound like a terrible person - actually most of my current upset is feeling awful for how I feel about her, as it's just not how I am.

Anyway, I think funerals are very hard whether the person is extremely loved or not, just for different reasons.

For me its varied from funeral to funeral and there have been quite a few now. One I didn't attend (close friend, died abroad, I was on holiday when it took place and before I knew what had happened and didn't get the messages in time) would have been terrible but there is still a small part of me that expects him to be at the door decades later, mad as I know that is.

Late DH, I'd been with him and closed his eyes, I said my goodbyes then privately. I would happily have foregone a funeral and found it dreadful, but there were many others who needed it and as the widow you can't exactly not turn up (even though he wouldn't have minded)

@WearyAuldWumman just to say I get the bending over backwards to try to take everyone elses wishes into account when you are absolutely on your knees, physically, mentally and emotionally and also having to organise the whole thing at the lowest ebb. I would never do it again. Big, big

Exactly this. I hate fuss in life, and I hate it in death (mine or anyone else's).

I don't have "loved ones" (I hate the phrase). I have an atheist husband who dislikes funerals even more than me, so he'll be fine.
Both he and my close friends know that I'm awkward, sarcastic and stubborn, so they'll be cool with a direct cremation.
We are not all the same!

Thank you. That's appreciated.

It could be either depending on your perspective. It's often said that funerals are for the living (for closure / to grieve together etc), but some don't need or want that from funerals. I personally don't want a funeral at all and it's quite difficult not to have one. I've missed some funerals because of Covid and I've missed others by choice. I prefer to remember the person in the context I knew them. Only you can decide. I don't believe in pressure on anyone to go to a funeral, or judgement whatever they decide.

Funerals vary and I've been to plenty.
Elderly person had a good life - lovely occasion to catch up with distant family and reminisce.

Young person died tragically - horrendous. The worst one ever was a 14 year old close friend of DS who had committed suicide.

My mother was a party loving extrovert all her life and had her own funeral planned to the last detail, including which glamorously youthful photos should be in the programme. She was 85 and unfortunately died a week before lockdown so it never happened. I know she doesn't know but she would have been so gutted not to have the party she had planned.

A friend is going to a funeral tomorrow for her DM's aunt who was a mother figure after her DM lost her actual mother aged 13. She died 30/12 - 6 and a half weeks ago. Friend's DM is a wreck,

All the other funerals I have attended prior to DGM, the gap between death and funeral was 10 days on average.

That's worse. I'm okay with turning up for free food. There is a cost of living crisis. Also quite like the idea of someone stuffing their face while I make my final appearance on earth .... without realising it.

I had been to very few funerals before I had to arrange DH’s. He died very suddenly at a young age so we had never really discussed what he wanted. Organising it was horrible, I had no idea where to start, am terrible at making decisions even on a good day, and was going through the worst thing ever whilst also trying to get my young DC through it, but I had a wonderful funeral director who took me slowly through one thing at a time. DH had a lot of hobbies and knew a lot of people I didn’t know, so there were lots of people there I didn’t know and, as an introvert, I couldn’t quite believe I had to make small talk with strangers afterwards. But somehow you do, somehow I stood up in front of a room full of people and read words I had written a week before after saying for several weeks that I absolutely would not be saying anything. The celebrant met me and his parents and siblings and wrote a fairly standard eulogy about his life that his sister read, then the week before I took DC to school, sat down and wrote, then had to phone the celebrant and tell her I had changed the plan. I remembered very little of the funeral afterwards, it didn’t really seem real that he had died, that he was in that coffin, so there wasn’t really closure.