Page 7 | Funerals-how are they for the family?

Conniebygaslight · 2025-02-11T08:01:45+00:00

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

WearyAuldWumman · 11/02/2025 18:45

Auburngal · 11/02/2025 18:06

A friend is going to a funeral tomorrow for her DM's aunt who was a mother figure after her DM lost her actual mother aged 13. She died 30/12 - 6 and a half weeks ago. Friend's DM is a wreck,

All the other funerals I have attended prior to DGM, the gap between death and funeral was 10 days on average.

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It's usually about a fortnight round my way. I was offered that timeline when DH died, but because of lockdown and a closed crem in the county, they were cramming in extra 'slots' and wanted me to agree to a winter funeral at 4.30.

It would have meant following the hearse in the dark and leaving the crem chapel in pitch black on my own. I couldn't bear that. In order to have a morning slot, I had to wait an additional fortnight.

WearyAuldWumman · 11/02/2025 18:46

WaveAcrossTheBay · 11/02/2025 18:42

I had been to very few funerals before I had to arrange DH’s. He died very suddenly at a young age so we had never really discussed what he wanted. Organising it was horrible, I had no idea where to start, am terrible at making decisions even on a good day, and was going through the worst thing ever whilst also trying to get my young DC through it, but I had a wonderful funeral director who took me slowly through one thing at a time. DH had a lot of hobbies and knew a lot of people I didn’t know, so there were lots of people there I didn’t know and, as an introvert, I couldn’t quite believe I had to make small talk with strangers afterwards. But somehow you do, somehow I stood up in front of a room full of people and read words I had written a week before after saying for several weeks that I absolutely would not be saying anything. The celebrant met me and his parents and siblings and wrote a fairly standard eulogy about his life that his sister read, then the week before I took DC to school, sat down and wrote, then had to phone the celebrant and tell her I had changed the plan. I remembered very little of the funeral afterwards, it didn’t really seem real that he had died, that he was in that coffin, so there wasn’t really closure.

I'm so very sorry.

falkandknife · 11/02/2025 18:51

WaveAcrossTheBay · 11/02/2025 18:42

I had been to very few funerals before I had to arrange DH’s. He died very suddenly at a young age so we had never really discussed what he wanted. Organising it was horrible, I had no idea where to start, am terrible at making decisions even on a good day, and was going through the worst thing ever whilst also trying to get my young DC through it, but I had a wonderful funeral director who took me slowly through one thing at a time. DH had a lot of hobbies and knew a lot of people I didn’t know, so there were lots of people there I didn’t know and, as an introvert, I couldn’t quite believe I had to make small talk with strangers afterwards. But somehow you do, somehow I stood up in front of a room full of people and read words I had written a week before after saying for several weeks that I absolutely would not be saying anything. The celebrant met me and his parents and siblings and wrote a fairly standard eulogy about his life that his sister read, then the week before I took DC to school, sat down and wrote, then had to phone the celebrant and tell her I had changed the plan. I remembered very little of the funeral afterwards, it didn’t really seem real that he had died, that he was in that coffin, so there wasn’t really closure.

Aww that’s so awful. This is the kind of tragedy that is absent from most funerals - most people thankfully don’t die young and leave little kids and it’s the impact on the children’s lives that makes it worse. And of course the spouse left behind. Life is so cruel at times.

Meadowfinch · 11/02/2025 18:56

Having lost both parents as an adult, I found the funerals useful to connect with relatives.

I don't think funerals are any place for a child. I didn't allow my ds aged 4 to go to a funeral.

I think teens should be asked if they wish to attend the funeral of a relative, but under no pressure to take part.

user1471453601 · 11/02/2025 19:16

As others have said, it's individual to that particular family. And can even vary within that family.

At my mother's funeral, I spent most of the time fuming. Mum had spent the last 10 years of her life alone, except for family, yet 100's turned up for her funeral, but never came round when she was disabled.

My adult child hated the whole thing. Didn't want to share their feelings and memories of Mum with others. They felt very differently about the internment of Mums ashes, which adult child felt was cathartic and personal.

Sister found the ceremony comforting, knowing that so many remembered the contribution Mum had made to her community.

So, three opinions from the same family. So who knows what the answer is?

I've told my adult child that when I die, they must do whatever feels right for them, not for others. As far as I'm concerned, my child will be the main person. Selfish? Probably

CousinBob · 11/02/2025 19:31

Sorry for your loss X2boys

Nicehotfire · 11/02/2025 21:03

flotsomandjetsome · 11/02/2025 17:23

My Dads funeral last year was really hard, but he was much loved and we had lots of nice pictures, stories and music, and my DB stood up and said some wonderful things we'd sat down and written together - I don't know how he managed it, I was in pieces.

My Mums however when it comes will be awful. She is, and has always been a very difficult person, and now has hideous dementia which has shone a light on and magnified the pre-existing unpleasant side to her. I get more and more worn down by the 'it's just because she's ill' brigade - no it's actually because she's not a nice person.

I am dreading her funeral. It's going to have to be a very basic service, and I really can't think of a single nice memory. God that makes me sound like a terrible person - actually most of my current upset is feeling awful for how I feel about her, as it's just not how I am.

Anyway, I think funerals are very hard whether the person is extremely loved or not, just for different reasons.

I feel exactly the same about DF, god knows who will stand up and say anything nice about him because he's an absolute misery and has made mine and my siblings life a totally depressing slog for the last 30 years. One of his remaining friends will have to do the eulogy because we won't, what would you even say? He was a miserable bastard and certainly won't be missed by his family..... Could cause a bit of a stir I guess!

123teenagerfood · 11/02/2025 21:55

When my grandparents died we had a full on religious church ceremony for them both, they died within 3mths of each other. It was part of their culture and had been planned and spoken about for many years. Once they were buried a number of rituals were performed, drinks and food was offered and we all stood around their graves chatting and reminiscing, it was heartbreakingly sad but also comforting in a way as we embraced and celebrated their lives. After we all went to a local place for food and drinks like a party. We also had 40 days ceremonies ,then a yearly ceremony complete with church service and priest, for both of them, as they died so close together, it felt like a cycle of constant funerals, however, it was part of the grieving process and as a family we have never shied away from talking about death. My in laws have chosen a direct cremation with no wake or gathering, my friends grandad donated his body to medical science, not even a urn of ashes , he struggled to accept his death there was no closure. To quote a cliché funerals are for the living however hard they are I think we, in the longrun, benefit from the closure they provide.

suki1964 · 11/02/2025 23:08

I like how funerals are conducted here on the Island of Ireland

Your loved one dies, the undertaker comes straight out to you and helps you organise the next few days

Once the deceased is cleared for burial , they get bought home and the wake starts, everyone will arrive at the house after the remains are bought home and for the next two nights they aren't left alone. The world and his wife will be turning up with plates of food, bottles of milk and perhaps a bottle of something stronger, they will bring their spare tea services , they will bake or buy cakes, make platters of sandwiches, pots of soup and stews, pies and lasagnes , There is a lot of food, drink , memories, tears and laughter. Day three and its burial and the women of the church will lay the tea on, soup and sandwiches, tea and tray bakes and its a time to catch up with those who only make it back for weddings and funerals

Then depending on your church, a month later we have a months mind, where they are mentioned in the service as a remembernce of their passing

falkandknife · 11/02/2025 23:16

flotsomandjetsome · 11/02/2025 17:23

My Dads funeral last year was really hard, but he was much loved and we had lots of nice pictures, stories and music, and my DB stood up and said some wonderful things we'd sat down and written together - I don't know how he managed it, I was in pieces.

My Mums however when it comes will be awful. She is, and has always been a very difficult person, and now has hideous dementia which has shone a light on and magnified the pre-existing unpleasant side to her. I get more and more worn down by the 'it's just because she's ill' brigade - no it's actually because she's not a nice person.

I am dreading her funeral. It's going to have to be a very basic service, and I really can't think of a single nice memory. God that makes me sound like a terrible person - actually most of my current upset is feeling awful for how I feel about her, as it's just not how I am.

Anyway, I think funerals are very hard whether the person is extremely loved or not, just for different reasons.

I’ve got a similar issue and me and my siblings have said thank god for pure cremations. That’s what you should do then you don’t have to bother with the pretence of being so sad and how great she was etc

DoItBetter · 12/02/2025 00:18

@DappledThings

FloppySarnie
My FIL had a direct cremation with no ceremony at all. That’s exactly what I want. My DH finds this really hard to understand but I hate funerals and I’d like to depart this with as I lived in it - quietly and with no fuss!

I find that idea really selfish. The concept of insisting on something happening when you are dead and won't know what's happening when your closest loved one doesn't understand it and would prefer to do it a different way. Potentially making their grief harder even when it can't possibly affect you because you're dead.

Would you say the same for someone who wanted a traditional funeral for themselves? Are all the people who have a funeral plan 'really selfish'?

My Dad wanted and had a direct to crem funeral with no service and it was exactly what we all wanted. My Mum, my siblings, my partner, my kids and I all want exactly the same.

DappledThings · 12/02/2025 07:24

DoItBetter · 12/02/2025 00:18

@DappledThings

FloppySarnie
My FIL had a direct cremation with no ceremony at all. That’s exactly what I want. My DH finds this really hard to understand but I hate funerals and I’d like to depart this with as I lived in it - quietly and with no fuss!

I find that idea really selfish. The concept of insisting on something happening when you are dead and won't know what's happening when your closest loved one doesn't understand it and would prefer to do it a different way. Potentially making their grief harder even when it can't possibly affect you because you're dead.

Would you say the same for someone who wanted a traditional funeral for themselves? Are all the people who have a funeral plan 'really selfish'?

My Dad wanted and had a direct to crem funeral with no service and it was exactly what we all wanted. My Mum, my siblings, my partner, my kids and I all want exactly the same.

Yes if it is something that is going to be extremely hard for those left behind and who want something different.

Your dad wanted a direct cremation and that was what was best for his immediate family too. So no conflict. Not the same as the PP who wants that but whose husband doesn't understand it and is likely to feel he hasn't had the opportunity to grieve as he needs to.

I don't really have any opinion on what happens after I'm dead. I don't understand why I would unless you believe in an afterlife and it's the kind where you're still concerned about how other people think about you.

thiswilloutme · 12/02/2025 09:43

Meadowfinch · 11/02/2025 18:56

Having lost both parents as an adult, I found the funerals useful to connect with relatives.

I don't think funerals are any place for a child. I didn't allow my ds aged 4 to go to a funeral.

I think teens should be asked if they wish to attend the funeral of a relative, but under no pressure to take part.

OTOH i'm in my 70's and I still vividly remember having to go to school, age 5, and not being allowed to go to my Granddad's funeral. I remember where I was standing, in the playground, crying 🤷🏼‍♀️. I have very strong memories of him hiding half pennies and farthings under the tablecloth in his kitchen for me to find when I arrived with my mum, he was an important figure for me.

I think we all just make the best decisions we can, at the time, but my experience meant I always erred on the side of letting my DC be present at funerals.

WhatNoRaisins · 12/02/2025 11:10

I have family from different cultures and can see why there are different views on children at funerals.

I think if funerals are to be seen as a normal part of life and a necessary part of grieving then it makes sense for children to go, especially when they are close relatives of the deceased.

On the other hand if we see funerals as something horrible and ultimately unhelpful for grieving then I get wanting to keep children away.

Printedword · 12/02/2025 11:20

So I've lost only sibling and both parents. I delivered eulogies at all 3 funerals. There was definitely closure involved in doing this. It's a very American word but the best I can think of. I didn't have to plan my DBs funeral, but did help with the music and assembling a photo tribute as well as deliver a family eulogy - the other 3 were friends and BIL. It was tough but it did help me with recovery.

I planned my mother's funeral with my Dad. This involved compromising on what I might have chosen, if I'd been planning it on my own. Neither parent left details of what they wanted. My father was well into his 90s when he passed away. I gave him a good send off and my DS and I delivered eulogies. There was a photo tribute too. It was definitely therapeutic.