Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

I found my dad’s terrible as did my mum, I remember us both standing in the hotel toilets and her saying she wished everyone would leave, that she didn’t want any more stories or people saying he was better gone than suffering BUT I remember watching my aunt at a cousins funeral and she said the solidarity and the people there made her day so much easier and she repeated it to others after, said she loved people telling her stories and chatting about her son and it gave her comfort so I think it’s different for everyone

I agree. It does remind me, though, that when we told my Mum that certain family members were going to travel to Dad's funeral, she was not at all pleased. Her view was that they hadn't been in touch for ages so why should they come now? My brother and I put our feet down and said we were happy for them to come and wanted to see them. She has said since she doesn't want those people to come to her funeral, but we are not going to get into an argument about that. If they want to come, they will be very welcome. It is sad that sometimes far-flung families only get together at funerals and the occasional wedding, but that's life. Better than never having any contact at all.

I think a lot of the stress can come from feeling people have to honour the deceased's wishes even when it's not what they want. I agree with this:
Agree with a PP that funerals are for the family and the grieving so I'll not be dictating how they should deal with their grief

If people want to have a big funeral for me or if they don't it's none of my business and I'm not going to add any additional pressure by trying to dictate it before I die

Both my mum and dad's funerals were held in lockdowns and quite frankly all the rules about holding one, organising one and how to behave during one made the whole thing more upsetting than it already was. I've chosen to have a direct cremation and my loved ones can decide how they want to remember me without doing what they think is expected of them. I'm hoping they have a wild time ending with a conga down the village.

I had a job a few years ago which involved working with people with very serious health conditions (not as an HCP) and sadly several of them died during that time. A colleague and I went to their funerals as a mark of respect and spoke to the families afterwards about the work they'd done with us, which in fact was mentioned in the eulogies in most cases. The family members always said how pleased they were to hear more about this as it was something the deceased had talked about and been proud to have the chance to do. Obviously we only attended funerals when we'd ensured that it would be welcomed by the family.

It depends on the funeral. The death of an older person who lived a full and happy life is a positive, even celebratory event, an opportunity to hear about their life and meet other people who also cared for them, as well as catching up with extended family and old friends.

Other funerals are terrible. An 18 year old lad who killed himself in prison was horrible. Such a waste and there was so much anger that this had been allowed to happen. But as an event it was still very necessary: to acknowledge his life and for those who cared about him to come together. The funeral which was really well done was a way of managing all these emotions in a controlled way (rather than the near riots that have happened after other deaths of young people in the community).

The funeral of a mother of 2 children who died suddenly was also awful and made worse by the conveyor belt nature of the funeral and a celebrant who didn't even get her name right.

I always thought I didn't want a funeral. But after a neighbour's death with no funeral (his wishes), I had the responsibility of going through his address book and notifying his friends. They were very upset at the lack of a funeral and the loss of an opportunity to pay their respects to him. It made me realise that the funeral is for the living not the dead. This was reinforced for me by my own father's funeral. He knew that it was important for my mother, and arrangements were made with her in mind. And it was lovely to have so many people come and share their memories of my father.

Right, because you’ve heard people actually say “I’m only here for the free food”?

Much more likely that people have come for their own reasons and someone like you has decided to think that they only came for the free food.

(oh also, if you live in a community where there is serious poverty and people genuinely need free food, why be so mean about it? )

My mum died recently and it's her funeral next week I'm dreading it tbh it's going to be quite a big occasion which is what she would have wanted but just wish the whole thing was over now ,it doesn't help that there has been a few weeks between her death and funeral

My FIL had a direct cremation with no ceremony at all. That’s exactly what I want. My DH finds this really hard to understand but I hate funerals and I’d like to depart this with as I lived in it - quietly and with no fuss!

It depends on so many things. My grandad died in his late 90s, was very ill and said that he’d reached the end of his life and it was time for him to go. His funeral was ok, not a party but a family get together which we rarely do as we all live in different countries and don’t see much of each other. Then there was my friend’s funeral, she was in her 40s and left pre-teen children, there’s nothing in the world that could have made that funeral anything other than awful.

When DM died a few people came up to me specifically to say how well I’d organised the wake and how nice it was. I’m sure they thought they were being kind but bloody hell my mum’s just died, it’s not ‘nice’! She was relatively young and died quite unexpectedly, by the end of the day I had to go and hide in the field out back where nobody could speak to me otherwise I would undoubtedly have ended up telling someone to fuck off.

I find that idea really selfish. The concept of insisting on something happening when you are dead and won't know what's happening when your closest loved one doesn't understand it and would prefer to do it a different way. Potentially making their grief harder even when it can't possibly affect you because you're dead.

Each funeral I’ve been to has been horrendous, in a different way. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to go to another one.

We have a woman in the village that will turn up for the wake of anybody who has died. The last one was for a young man who died in a road accident. He didn't know her, the parents didn't know her (they actually asked who she was). This woman had a plate of food and then left, as she does at all the wakes. So yes, some people do turn up just for the free food.

Having to organise and then attend my husbands funeral was awful. Id been to funerals before - older relatives and/or extended family so of course very sad but I was at a distance from it. My husbands death was sudden and unexpected and hit me like a ton of bricks. The funeral was about a fortnight later. I didn't want to go, I couldn't stop crying and was almost panicking at the end - I don't remember much of the ceremony or who was there but I do remember how desperately I felt I wasn't ready to let him go. I couldn't cope with all the people at the buffet afterwards so just sat in a corner wanting to go home. I was so exhausted - a day in bed would have been more beneficial! It was added stress when I was already on my knees - and I had lots of support but it was still so hard. Financially too - I didn't have any money - the insurance didn't come through for weeks - in the end my parents paid for most of it - but if I hadn't had them as an option I don't know what I would have done. Horrible, traumatic, upsetting day.

I imagine that her motivation is more likely to be nosiness /ghoulishness than getting free food.

I think my dads funeral was perfect , he had withdrawn a lot from friends due to Parkinson’s so it was an opportunity for them to pack out the church and meet afterwards for a buffet and tea for those who preferred and separate bar area for those who opted for a few drinks - no one was partying but it was genuinely lovely to reconnect with a lot of people and relatives. One thing my mum did insist on was that we left with dad before the rest of the congregation for private burial - she just couldn’t cope with standing and greeting everyone as they came out of the church. His favourite hymns and songs a suitable poem and a eulogy about him and his quirks had people laughing.

God I miss him

Only been to funerals in Ireland and all of them have been done almost like a party - proper celebration of the persons life. My own grandparents funerals we got to spend so much time with extended family and had them in the house for the wake and we all sat around chatting and reminiscing !! My uncle had the guitar out and we had a big sing song and it was brilliant - my grandparents loved a party!

I went in on the second morning of the wake and sat and had my cup of tea and a slice of apple tart with my Nana laid out -just me and her before everyone arrived and it felt so lovely and that was something we always did (tea and apple tart together)

The most recent (non-family) one I've been to left me feeling a bit strange. The compere, and that's how I can describe him, was very funny. Normally celebrants are rather serious. Not this chap. It was lovely, but a bit odd. His family were content.

I think much depends on where you are at with the timing of the funeral - 3 days later or 6 weeks. A few weeks to adjust and then a funeral helps with people having a handle on things. I have found close relatives harrowing at the services but better at the drinks and food. It is a saying goodbye but I found most upsetting guests who kick off about shit - start having a go at food servers, bar people, other customers in a pub - I mean its still open to the public so you have to respect other people are going to use it. Or relatives that think they have ownership of the whole thing as they are sister to dead person and yet their wife, children and grandchildren are there. Sense of self entitlement and importance. They are also so expensive and often people attending have no idea of the costs involved. A standard crem service with 2 cars and then event with food after can be 8 to 10K

You've articulated exactly how I feel about funerals.

I said to someone the other day that in a weird way, I enjoy the wake afterwards because it is a time to catch up with family and friends that you haven't seen for a while. The last funeral I went to the deceased's daughter said to me that it was just a party for her dad that he unfortunately wasn't able to attend.

The funeral itself is awful, but is a necessary part of the process.

The next worst bit is the time between the death and the funeral. It's total limbo land where you just can't even start to move on. By the time the funeral comes around you're just glad to get it over with.

Just maybe don't be like my grandmother. Donated her body to medical science because she didn't want her family to have to worry about a funeral. So we held a wake after she died, in lieu of a funeral, because we wanted to, then when the university was finished with her, they held an actual funeral, then they held a service at a local cathedral in memory of all those that donated their bodies to science. So, for someone that did it because she didn't want a funeral, she ended up having 3!

For one of my rellies that serviced in the forces it was nice to have the local volunteers from the service in attendance.and flag bearing. He would have loved that even though he was a very private person.

My mum's funeral last year was one of the worst things I've had to be part of, aside from being with her when she died and dealing with all the emotions after that. If I could have stayed at home, I would have, but I had to take my dad and grandparents to the chapel and support them.
It was lovely to see and spend time with so many family members and friends, ours and hers, but I spent most of the week prior dreading it, and most of the day dreading the moment they would all be gone and we'd be left with the silence and our new world.
I still wish we hadn't gone through with it. It was a beautiful service and we gave her the send off she deserved, but it was the most awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

My Mum had been unwell. Over a year before her death, she had routine surgery and I got a phonecall to come to the hospital as they didn't think she'd make it through the night. It was traumatic and frightening and I remember sitting in the waiting room of ICU thinking it was too soon and I wasn't ready. My sister lived on the other side of the world and my father died over 20 years ago. It suddenly hit me that I'd have to make the decisions...
When she came home, we had the conversation (with a fair few tears) about how I really didn't know what her wishes were.
She planned her funeral after that. When the time came, all of the big decisions had been taken. Her funeral and the do afterwards were what she wanted. I honestly think it's the kindest thing you can do for your children. She'd written the loveliest letter to me which she left with the funeral director who was a family friend.

I'm in Ireland, and the rituals of family and grief and the comfort from people who had known me as a child, and were still part of my mums life was very healing. I do think that waiting around for weeks before burial or cremation happens doesn't help, but I think a necessary conversation about what works for you and your children is difficult, but really helpful for when the time comes.

It's hard but it sort of brings closure. When my DH suddenly passed away his eldest son (not mine) spoke as did three friends. It was very moving and to seeing the love these people had for him will stay with me forever.
What I could barely get through was several months later his work held a memorial service for him and 300 people came. I was just coming out of the initial shock and it brought it all back. I couldn't wait to leave.
It gives a chance to share the pain I guess. That the person was loved and cherished by many. It made me feel that he really touched people's lives and his life, though cut short, was well lived.

For the last 10 years or so, as my parents approached old age and increasing fraily, I would sometimes accompany them to the funerals of their friends, if it was further than my Dad was comfortable driving.

I would sit there during the service in awe of how composed the close mourners were and wonder how they could be so calm. For as long as I've been aware of my parents mortality, I've dreaded the day where I'd become 'that' person and be the one at the front of the church who everyone would look at with such sympathy.

My dear Mum died last year and left my Dad a devastated widow, he was truly inconsolable. Mum's funeral passed in a haze - I apparently read a beautiful, faultless eulogy of which I have very little recollection. I only remember being focused entirely on Dad and getting him through the day. I do recall being very happy and chatty at the wake and happy at seeing people I hadn't met with for years.

Some 11 weeks later my Dad also passed away. I was dreading his funeral more than Mum's, as I was struggling to cope with the intense grief of losing them both so close to each other and knowing I didn't have the distraction of having the remaining parent to focus on. Yet the exact same happened again - I was determined to remember more of Dad's funeral as I felt so guilty about seemingly breezing through Mum's - but no, once again I carried out my lengthy eulogy and once again I didn't shed a single tear. And once again I laughed and joked with family and friends at the wake afterwards.

I truly believe that your entire being goes into preservation mode at times of undue stress. If anyone had told me before Mum and Dad died that I would be so unemotional, I absolutely wouldn't have believed them. I can't honestly say that either funeral gave me any closure particularly, but I do know that the real grieving for me started weeks and months after their funerals had taken place.