Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

My late partners funeral was very hard, mainly because the people who organised it didn't know him at all and included words and music that he would have hated. I was also dealing with a lot of guilt for not having been able to save him and cried so much I couldn't speak. My grandparents funerals were in full churches because they both belonged to the Rotary Club/Women's Institute which seemed to have a compulsory attendance for its members if someone died.

I don't want a funeral for me - I don't have anyone who would particularly mourn me so the funeral would be for my children, siblings and parents (if still alive) if they wanted one. I am happy with a direct cremation after a very brief blessing from a vicar (I'm a lazy believer - believe in God and an afterlife but cant be bothered to make an effort to go to church anymore!) with no wake. The children know where I would like my ashes scattered if they don't want a memorial stone to have to maintain and I'd rather they spent money on themselves instead of a funeral.

I think the timing helps in funerals in Ireland. They’re immediate, so you have people around you in the first grief, and you’re exhausted, so it helps you pass through the very initial first part of grieving. I still have my parents, but when my granddad died (we lived with him, so he was essentially a third parent), I found it comforting that so many people from my parents’ pasts showed up in support — my mum’s childhood neighbours all found someone else to do the evening milking and drove 40 miles to the removal, and they’d only met him once at my parents’ wedding.

I helped my mum arrange my dads and then arranged my mums with my brother. In both cases we felt lost in grief and the funeral was an opportunity to focus those feeings somewhere. There was some comfort in knowing that this was the stuff you were supposed to do and we were doing it. The structure helped, a more free form arrangement would have been more stressful for us. People should have the option to do what they feel is correct though.

I agree with pp that the gap between death and funeral is too long here. It should be within a week.

All I could think upon reading this is how incredibly incredibly lucky you are to have never experienced a death in your family.

I organised the funerals of both my parents (neither was particularly old). Part of the process is for the celebrant - humanist in one case, Church of Scotland Minister in the other- to come round and talk to you and maybe other friends and family about all your memories and anecdotes of the person. If they had been ill for a long time it is a very important way of getting you in the frame of mind to remember the happier times. A good celebrant is a bit like a therapist and they are wonderful at writing it up into the eulogy. Thinking about music and readings is another way of reframing your grief.

At the service itself it is comforting to see so many people that you haven’t seen for years, and often to meet people from other parts of the deceased’s life and hear their stories which can shed a different light on your family member.

The only element that I find challenging is the physical presence of the coffin. On balance I feel that is unnecessary as by that point I see the body as no longer representing the person, especially if they were very ill. But others find it very important- at my FIL’s recent funeral my DH and his siblings felt it important to place a hand on the coffin as we left. They chose not to be there when the coffin was moved to the incinerator. (I can’t begin to identify with open casket funerals but that is extremely important for many cultures.)

A close friend of mine is British Indian and was extremely upset by his mother’s traditional funeral pyre in India.

The funeral also brings closure, a date after which you draw a line. I agree with PPs that the average UK interval of several weeks is far too long though.

It is different for everyone, so impossible to generalise.
But funerals are not compulsory, which is why direct cremations have become so popular.

I’m fortunate to still have both parents around so can’t comment on that, might be very different.

But I’ve lost lots of other people and have always found the funeral an important part of the process. But if others disagree that’s fine.

We had a direct cremation for my mum. Sorry to say this but I don't think I could cope with looking at a coffin knowing my dead mum was lying in it.
We had a big family meal and shared photos and memories. It was lovely.

I found the funeral helpful, so many people turned up for DH's it helped me see just how loved he was. His final weeks were hell on Earth and extremely isolating due to lockdown which had just ended in time for his funeral and the crem was packed as was the pub where we all went to remember him afterwards

I wasn't particularly looking forward to my 22 year old sons funeral in June 2022 and just wanted to sack it off but it was actually a great day (that sounds awful lol) but being surrounded by all his mates talking about him and all of us laughing until we cried at some of the shit he used to get up to was kind of healing to me

Same here with my mums. I was absolutely dreading it but it was a lovely day full of all her friends and family, lots of laughing and music and lovely food and drink. She would have loved it 😊

Agree with a PP that funerals are for the family and the grieving so I'll not be dictating how they should deal with their grief. The push for direct cremations on daytime TV and on here makes me feel very uneasy about them somehow.

My dad's was within less than a week as it was a burial. My understanding is that waiting for a slot at the crem is what delays the process. But it felt like a privilege to sort my mum's out. For both, they ended up as cathartic and celebratory parties so worth it for all of us who don't live near each other anymore.

It depends on what type of funeral you have. My husband was atheist so no prayers or hymns, just some of his favourite music. Some friends were happy to speak about him - many funny stories etc , some from years ago. Lots of laughter and tears and someone kindly gave us copies of the speeches so the kids could read them again. It felt right and it was a celebration of his life not just a day of sadness.

My DH died last year. I was dreading the funeral as I was nervous about everything going ok, didn't want to be the centre of attention and I was doing a reading. He had a lot of people that wanted to say their goodbyes so there was never any question about having one. The wake afterwards was a good opportunity to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a while. Was relieved when it was all over, and it helped us move on from the awful dying process.

I think it really depends on each person.

My dad died suddenly, and he had requested a direct cremation when we'd spoken about it in passing earlier.

We honoured his wishes but i absolutely hated the fact that that was how we'd done it. I hate the word closure but it really did make me feel like we never got closure and definitely had a very negative impact on my grief.

Three years later it is still something I really struggle with.

My younger brother though has no issues with it.

My mum had been planning to have a direct cremation until she saw the effect my dads had on me.

Actually, I have found funerals to be really peaceful and useful when I have lost close family members. Organising them, now that can be a pain in the arse. Having a plan of how you'd like your funeral to go rather than leaving someone to hope that they aren't doing a terrible job of how you'd like it to go down, could be really helpful.

This is what me and DH are thinking. It seems an awful lot of stress for families to have to deal with a service.

I hated my DF funeral, it didn't help. Just made me things worse for me. I got closure holding my dad's hand as he died.

The funeral and wake felt like it was business party and I had to ciruclate with people I didn't know and didn't like. It was the worst day ever.

The funeral industry is massive when you consider that everybody dies so of course their business model depends on funerals being 'events'.

For funerals of close family members, I felt the funeral was something to get through, to try and hold myself together in my grief while I had to thank strangers for coming. As if the situation wasn't bad enough.

As such my mum and I have agreed to have a direct cremation and then when the ashes are buried, there will be a lunch afterwards with immediate family.

No Joe Bloggs who knew the person 20 years ago and is just after a steak pie dinner in attendance. Just the people who matter.

Covid changed a lot and I think since then people view funerals differently.

So sorry to hear this. I need to speak with our Dc about what they want for us, that's what's important to us.

I had to arrange the funerals for both of my parents.
A good funeral director is key. He was amazing, and nothing was too much trouble. Guided me through the entire process and supported myself and my DC through the lead up, the day and even checked we were doing ok a week after.
Used this FD for mum’s funeral a few years after dad’s, and he remembered us, and again offered the same support. Very reassuring and made both sad times bearable.

I organised my elderly friend's funeral a couple of years ago as her partner felt completely overwhelmed. While he wanted me to organise it, he wanted things doing his way and it really turned into a big show that I know she wouldn't have wanted. It made him happy though which I guess is the point.

I've not found a funeral to be a spectacle.
As family I see the need to acknowledge that my loved one was a person other than my mother/brother/father etc.
Though I am distraught, I did not own them.
They had a free life with all sorts of friends and contacts.

I feel that all those people have their own type of grief and their own goodbyes to say to my family member at the funeral.

I am not so arrogant as to think I am privy to the extent of my dear departed's relationships with others.. so it's important that everyone who wants to attend feels welcome. It's worth the bother of having a funeral.

To me, they are the most ridiculous, waste of money events. The dead person doesn't know people are (usually) being either very effusive about how wonderful they were or gossiping together about what a shit they were.
This whole 'but it's for closure for the family' is just disingenuous. Half of the 'family' (friends/acquaintances) won't have seen or spoken to the deceased for decades, the other half are only there for the free booze and food.
If one wants to grieve someone, don't grieve as a performance in front of others

For those saying they want a direct cremation, don't forget that the funeral is for the living. Through work I've had (adult) children really upset that their parents had arranged direct funerals, I've helped them arrange memorial services but they felt it wasn't the same as no coffin. As with so many things in life (and death) communication and honestly with each other is important, talk to your loved ones

It's also those dreadful order of service booklets that get given out and people take home and throw them away.....seems so disrespectful but what else are they supposed to do with them I guess.