Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

I'm at the age now where funerals are a pretty regular thing.

I've organised them, attended more than I can remember. Some are quiet
and thoughtful (the last one was like that, my friends mum who was 96, she had outlived her peer group) others were joyful celebrations, ironically many of them have been of the people who died younger, who still had a life full of friends as well as family, who wanted to celebrate their lives.

When my MIL died she had been one of the WI stalwarts, so that was a big one, including her dc and dgc who lived in Canada and NZ, so it was also a huge family reunion. I can honestly say it was a lovely day and we have many photos of all the siblings and cousins together. We spent hours remembering stories of MILs antics, she was brilliant and we celebrated that.

My own DMs funeral was just some of her DC, one was pretty estranged and didn't come and her remaining siblings, we had a small tea afterwards.

There's no one right way to do it. I'm giving my DC total control over mine - whatever helps them is fine with me.

I’m afraid this says far more about you and your worldview than about funerals.

I keep the booklets of special people.

Not RTFT so apologies if I've missed anything, but I think it varies from person to person and also depends on who the funeral is for. I was in the fairly unenviable position a few years ago of losing my Dad, and then his elderly parents (my grandparents) all in the space of about 18 months.

With my Dad's funeral, we said that after the service we wanted to go straight off to the wake and not hang about talking to people as we had our children with us, and I wanted to be able to compose myself before that part of it.

My Dad died during Covid, it was all quite fast and then my husband couldn't attend on the day because he had Covid. 🤦🏼‍♀️ so it was really something to be endured. We made it as nice and as personal as we could, but obviously there were people there like work colleagues, friends from the pub etc, that we didn't really know and felt we had to make an effort to speak to, which is hard when you're all over the place.

For my Grandparents, obviously it was sad, and made sadder by it following so closely after my Dad, but they were both elderly and still living independently up to their deaths, so I think I felt that it was a celebration of them rather than anything more sombre.

Sorry, but rambling but hopefully makes sense!

Oh yes? What does it say about me then?

I’ve told my DH I don’t want a proper funeral and I don’t want to be anywhere near a church but I realise that it isn’t about me, it’s about closure for family. I’ll be dead anyway so he can do what he likes

Wow. You must have a very jaded view of humanity if you think that there are really that many people out there who would go to a funeral just for free food.

If you knew someone 20 years ago that may still have been a very important part of your and their lives, even if you did subsequently drift apart. It might be nice for their family to hear about that time in their life, or simply to know how much you valued it. I’d argue that not bothering to pay your respects/bid farewell to someone to whom you were once close is a worse sin than allowing a friendship to drift.

My DH died last year. He didn’t want a funeral, just direct cremation. I’ll be honest, it was a massive relief that we didn’t have a funeral for him. It would have been a ordeal that I absolutely did not want or need.

Only one person said something about needing a funeral. She said, “what? Not even a wake? But you won’t get closure.” I had closure when we said goodbye to him as he was dying. My friend is religious, perhaps that’s the difference, as we aren’t.

Most cultures have funeral rites for a reason - there's a comfort in joining together to say goodbye.

I'm not by any means religious but I did appreciate the vicar and the church service when we were grieving someone who had died young - and hadn't been at all religious. They gave an order and a structure to it.

@Conniebygaslight

Many people collect orders of service, I've been into peoples homes with dozens if not hundreds lined up (and I know exactly who to ask if if want to check what hymns a person had (typically when organising their spouse who has now passed away's funeral) I'm organising one at the moment and the sons can't remember what hymns were at their dad's so I'm nipping to my go to person's house to check!

Over the years (I organise 8-10 funerals a year through work) I've seen really glossy photographs etc but simply printed on a modern photocopier that folds and staples is economical and does the job whilst being fully recyclable, however of late more families are opting for PowerPoint on the screen instead

I was dreading my Dad's funeral and everyone watching me crying. Actually, it was lovely. Loads of his old friends came whom I'd never met and told me stories about him that I'd never heard before.

It was even funny in places - the crematorium accidentally played the wrong entry music and it was funny in a black humour way because the song was quite inappropriate for a funeral! Made everyone laugh.

A funeral absolutely does not have to be sad my sister died last year we had an hour's service with music and tributes whilst watching deer and squirrels through the window. It was in the woods. Obviously there were tears but it was everyone who loved her and their stories brought back so much happiness. The celebrant was amazing.
Much nicer than all the crematorium funerals I've been to.

It really depends. I always find the funeral bit sad but in the case of my dad I feel we did him proud. I was dreading reading my eulogy but got through it and people told me afterwards what a lovely tribute it was to him. It was also nice for others to hear all about his life. And, upsetting as it sounds, when the curtain closes at the end, it's a way of saying goodbye. At the wake it was a lot more positive, reconnecting with relatives etc & sharing our memories. It definitely wasn't all doom and gloom

Absolute nonsense. Just because you haven’t seen someone doesn’t mean you don’t care. Life is like that, years pass before you know it.

If they’re not for you fine, but as plenty of other posters have said some people get a lot of comfort from them.

I don’t know anyone who turns up for the free food. Total bollocks.

I think it depends.

I've been lucky enough in my life that I've only so far been to funerals where the deceased has been someone elderly, so as sad as they were, there genuinely was that sort of "life celebration" type of thing.

I don't know how I'd feel if I had to arrange or attend the funeral of a child or my husband. Just the thought makes me upset.

My sister died in January and her funeral wasn't until March as it was such a busy time, a friend in Germany waited longer.

I found with both my parents that it was very emotional, but also lovely talking to people afterwards about them. But in each case, the next day I sort of crashed and was no good for anything. I think it was a combination of the emotion of the funeral plus the fact that, once the funeral was over and there was nothing immediate to plan, the stresses involved before and after their deaths all came to a head and had to be let out. But I think I needed those funerals as a sort of staging post, and mentally after I crashed I felt I could pick myself up, start again and get on with the rest of my life.

My dd and dh know my direct cremation plans and are in complete agreement. Why wouldn't you discuss your plans with your loved ones!

Just because you don't have experience of people just turning up for the food does not mean you can dismiss it as bollocks.
But sadly, people seem to believe that anything outwith their own little world is not true unless they've actually seen/done it.

I agree with @TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll - funerals are a waste of money and resources. My parents both had a direct cremation as neither wanted to line the pockets of funeral directors.

To me, big funerals are like big weddings - all very attention seeking.

Yes heaven forbid that people want attention and comfort from others when a loved one has died.

I found my father's funeral a comfort. He was 89, had a serious health condition and had become steadily more frail for a year, with no prospect of recovery or getting back to a fuller, more active life, and my Mum was worn out after months of being his sole carer. His death was therefore very sad but it was a comfort to think that it had been relatively quick and painless and a long slow decline at home would have been worse. I think this knowledge helped a lot. The funeral of someone younger who should have had many more years of life is always going to be terribly sad. My Dad's was more a chance to say goodbye and remember him.

We had immediate family only at the crematorium for a very simple service. I understand why some people go for direct cremation but I personally wanted to be there at the last, and I'm glad we did it that way, sad as it was. We had a beautiful arrangement of flowers on the coffin which we then took back to the island where Mum and Dad lived and put on a family grave, which is very near the plot where we knew Dad's ashes would be interred some months later. It's a very peaceful, quiet spot and I found it helpful to feel that family connection at the end of an emotional day.

The following day we had a memorial service at the church he and my Mum attended, which had been a big part of their lives. I wrote the eulogy which the lay preacher delivered and the hymns, music and readings were a mixture of my Dad's requests (he'd left a written note about this) and my Mum's choices. We had put a notice in the local paper advertising this service and it was well attended. My parents had moved to the island after retirement. We have strong family connections to it, but my brother and I had never lived there. It was explained to us that the custom there is for the immediate family to stand at the gate to the church and welcome the congregation. My Mum wasn't up to doing this physically or mentally, but my brother and I did it, and I found it extremely touching. We introduced ourselves where necessary and the people coming in told us how they knew Dad and said a few words.

At the end of the service there was a collection for the Scottish Air Ambulance which had taken Dad to hospital a couple of times. That raised a decent amount and was one of the positives I remember.

Afterwards we walked to a nearby pub where there were refreshments and we had put money behind the bar for those who wanted a drink. That was good - a lot of reminiscing and a chance to catch up with family who'd come from a distance to attend. Then we got Mum back to the house and a few family members came in for tea/coffee before heading for the ferry. It felt like a fitting send off.

We all have to find our own way through bereavement. There's no right or wrong approach.

I think it depends. If someone dies young it can be very hard to deal with, having to sort all the funeral out etc while trying to come to terms with it but if they are elderly, it can be more a get together to celebrate the good times we had with them.

I'm going to my gran's funeral next week, she was 96 and lived a healthy content life for almost all of that. So even though I may shed a tear, it'll be a happy one, while I think of all the good memories I had with her. It'll be nice to get together to share stories. She loved to tell a story herself too! So I think it will be a nice thing for us all.

Personally speaking I’m grateful when people turn up for a funeral, no matter how long it has been since we saw them. Former colleagues of my Uncles turned up at his funeral after twenty years and it meant a lot to us to have them there and we were more than happy to feed them and have them share stories of their time working with him.