Funerals-how are they for the family?

[Conniebygaslight]

I attended a funeral recently and I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the family of the deceased. Not just with their loss but with them having to go through the spectacle that is the actual funeral. It got me thinking how incredibly hard it must be for the immediate family to face. It's certainly made me think about what I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with. Do funerals offer comfort to families or is it a huge and awful thing to go endure?

I'm arranging my son's funeral at the moment. Whilst it's quite a task, and expensive even if you pare things back , it's a great opportunity to share stories, memories and info about his life. To come together and say thank you to him and for the gift of him. Friends and family are offering fantastic contributions such as providing catering, paying for flowers- they want to do these things, we need to say goodbye.

It depends

I’ve been to many funerals but I’ll pick out the two examples from each other.

Funeral 1 - Absolutely gut wrenchingly tragic. Not a dry eye in the house. The most saddest thing I’ve attended. The unfairness of the situation and I could barely look at the family because their loss was so awful. Their lives will never be the same again.

Funeral 2 - A family member. It was more of a celebration, a celebration of their well lived life. People were catching up and there were smiles. Yes there were some tears but not wailing. No one felt robbed, it wasn’t tragic. It was peaceful and natural.

Funeral 1 was for a 12 year old child.

Funeral 2 was for an 89 year old.

The contrast between the two was like night and day.

I could have written this myself….thanks!

As many have said, it just very much depends on who the funeral is for as to the tone and impact of it.
I have organised 3, and never for a young person and I can’t even imagine the strength needed to get through a funeral for your own child, and I’m so sorry for anyone that has had to go through that.
In my own experienced ( parents) I have needed that ritual, needed to see the coffin, needed to be hit with the finality of it all. And having the chance to talk to relatives and friends of my parents at the reception afterwards was really lovely. My mums was the most recent, and you got a real sense of what she meant to so many people at various points in her life, and what a big hole she will leave in our world.
I also met some wonderful people in the funeral directors and celebrant who were so kind and helped
structure the event into something I think my mum would have liked.
I have decided to leave instructions for my own (including a way of accessing the funds needed) so that my children don’t need to worry about what I would have wanted and if they are getting it right. I definitely wouldn’t want a direct cremation, sneaking off with no one around. We mark birth so we should also mark death imo.

We recently had a family only one for my grandad. It was what my grandma wanted - her, their 4 children plus spouses, 15 grandchildren plus some spouses, 5 great grandchildren. All held at their house (including casual "service" where my grandma, dad, and aunt/uncles spoke). Was really nice, and no one wanted a bigger thing.

But some people would want a more traditional funeral - it depends on the family. But they should do what they think is best, rather than what they think they "should" do.

My brother and I arranged our parents' funerals. I spoke at my Dad's and my brother spoke at my Mum's.

I can't speak for my brother or for others who've been in the same boat, but for me they were immensely important and positive occasions. We put a lot of effort and thought into the planning- you want to honour your loved one by tailoring the service and wake to what you think they would have wanted (neither parent had left much in the way of their wishes for their funerals so we had to really think about what we wanted each occasion to be).

The days themselves were exhausting but immensely uplifting. Seeing so many people gathered to remember someone you were privileged enough to call Mum/Dad is amazing. I went home exhausted but elated after each funeral.

But my parents were in their 60s and had led very full, productive and happy lives with many friends. I'm sure funerals feel very different when it is a child, or when someone has died very suddenly or in a traumatic way. I'm very lucky not to have experienced that.

I don’t think anyone should specify a direct cremation for themselves to be honest. Just because you hate funerals, you shouldn’t deprive your loved ones of something they may find helpful. You should say you are fine with whatever the family decide and leave it to them.

He finds it hard to understand but he respects it and he is happy to honour my wishes. I’ve suggested he plant a tree or something if he really wants to but I just don’t want a funeral. I think it’s wrong not to hour someone’s wishes 🤷🏻‍♀️

But that also works the other way then - if you take that argument, no-one should have to right to request a funeral either in case it’s not what the deceased’s love ones want.

When my FIL died, he had requested a direct cremation. MIL was so grateful that she didn’t have to organise (or attend) a funeral. Everyone is different.

It’s not wrong to honour someone’s wishes but it’s wrong to impose those wishes on someone when they will negatively affect them and not affect you at all.

I don’t think my mums siblings would have liked us not having one. I found it nice in a sad way and it was nice to chat to family who live away from my area for a while.

I handled the funeral quite well but I’d visited her in the chapel of rest the day before and had my big cry and last goodbye there. It helped me navigate the funeral.

I am taking that argument and I think he shouldn’t have imposed that on her either. I think my wishes will be ‘do what feels right to you’.

I found my dad's funeral very comforting. I liked meeting his friends and hearing stories and sharing the sadness. We didn't do cars, didn't walk into the crem behind the coffin, didn't do the bit where the coffin disappears or any of that. But we did have some very lovely eulogies.

The thing I'm struggling with now is having the ashes. I've said my goodbyes and I wish we didn't now have to do something else.

My uncle died and his family arranged just for the cremation and no wake. My aunt, his DSis and my DDad, his DB, found it very strange. My darling aunt told us all that she had enough money for a wake and wanted one! She made us all promise. Unfortunately, she died during Covid lockdown so no party was allowed and half the family couldn't attend the service either. ☹️

This is what I can't get my head round. You'll be dead, it can't possibly affect you how you're remembered and to insist someone isn't allowed something that would bring them comfort when it isn't possible for it to matter to you when it happens just seems so cruel. Why would anyone want to cause more hurt after their death?

Yes I would too, however when I was organising a funeral recently the funeral directors had boxes of different types left over that they were using as samples....it made me quite sad.

My dad loved going to parties and being the host. At his funeral one of his friends said Let us all have a party now and it actually seemed to be the right thing to do.

I've organized a funeral for a close family member, my own mother who I adored, but don't agree with all you've said and won't be having one myself. Far too formal and hate all that ritual and expectation.

we went to one the year before where there were not enough. She was a lovely lady and many many people had come.

Not the biggest turnout I'd ever seen though. One at Blackley Crem filled the room and the overspill and outside. Bless him, he was a good man, really well known and loved.

and now I feel sad remembering people I miss.

Totally agree with this. I've spoken to my Mum recently about her wishes and expectations. I'm Autistic and absolutely cannot face the thought of shaking everyone's hand after the funeral and then having to put a buffet on for people afterwards. She told me it was fine and she'd hate the thought of that making me ill. Ideally, I'd do a direct cremation without a service and people can always do their own thing to remember and pay respect.

The more I think about this, the more I think ‘respecting their wishes’ is problematic. If someone wished for direct cremation but their family genuinely find the idea upsetting, then I would advocate them having a small funeral anyway. The same the other way round, if someone wanted a full-on funeral but their family wouldn’t cope with it, financially or emotionally or whatever, then I don’t think they should do it. Is that bad?

I don't think that's bad at all. I entirely agree with you.

I can't stand them. It doesn't help I haven't been to many, but I had two very close together (grandparents) 10 years ago and the first in particular was very tough.
My dad insisted (I was 34!!), that I had to go in the family car behind the hearse. My granny was sat in front of me absolutely sobbing. It just all felt so horrific, and as selfish as it sounds it didn't put me in a good place to be able to support her. I would have been much better if I'd been "allowed" to travel in my own car.

I've since been to another funeral (FIL) which was as lovely as it could be. It was during Covid so it was just his wife, children, their spouses and 5 gc. It was just so intimate and how it should be. That's what I'd like for my funeral

You might like an attended direct funeral then it's a small service before the coffin is taken off to another site usually up to 10 or so people.

But it could leave him bereft for years funerals are for many a time of closure allowing them to move on....your dead so it doesn't affect you, the ones you leave behind have to grieve in a way that helps them.