Why in some families do both parents go everywhere?

[Hanzel44]

I’m a single mum so genuinely curious why do some families both parents have to go everywhere? Obviously family days/trips/shopping etc is normal but I mean like a school friends birthday party or play date.

We did the school run together most days because we wanted the walk and fresh air and a chance to chat before being stuck sitting on our butts for most of the rest of the day in our respective teams meetings. And we often grab a takeaway coffee on the way back in the mornings.
Birthday parties on the other hand we'd alternate unless we were friends with the parents and often those would be the type to have drinks and food for the parents too.

My husband has MH issues which make him uncomfortable being left out, and our toddler is a needy dude so he's not great at caring for him alone. So off we all go to the shop/party/soft play/playground etc.
Believe me, I'd live half an hour child free to get house jobs done, but its like asking for the moon here.

I'm a single mum as well and can't imagine wanting to spend time with my baby daddy.
I think maybe we chose the wrong people and actually some couples like one another!!
Still feels unusual to me!!

Ds is almost 3 and a half so not necessarily the age you are referring to but when we had his 2nd and 3rd birthday parties at least half of the children had both parents with them and I can’t see how this would be an issue? He’s only been to one party that wasn’t his and we both went with him 🤷‍♀️

I take him to all of his toddler/pre-school classes as I’m a SAHM but when my partner isn’t working he comes too because why wouldn’t he? Children are only little for a short time and surely both parents should be making the most of the time they get to have with them? 🤔

We all go to the supermarket together too as I don’t drive and my partner does and then we both get to pick things that we want 🤷‍♀️

My partner changed his days around at work so that we could do nursery settling in sessions and his first few days at nursery together in case there were any issues and he needed picking up but also so that we could spend some time together.

We can’t afford to go on days out/do extra fun and exciting activities all the time so when my partner isn’t working doing every day things together is how we spend time together as a family 🤷‍♀️ We went swimming together today is that a normal/acceptable thing to do with both parents? 🤷‍♀️🙈😂

Well, firstly because I actually like DH and we enjoy spending time together.

If you see us both on the school run it's because we both fancy a walk and some fresh air, and we get to have a chat.

If you see us both at a birthday party it's because we are both friends with the parents.

If you see us at the supermarket together with the kids it's because we've been out somewhere and are popping in on our way home rather than making a separate trip.

I don't think any of this is particularly unusual. Surely people saying "it's because they have social anxiety/are in a controlling relationship/are co-dependent" are just a bit hard of thinking.

Just catching if up on all these replies now. It sounds lovely that some families want to spend all their time together but sometimes I just think why is the husband there.

to give you a laugh- a new mum friend (from a group we attended) asked me if I would want to meet up for a play date with the kids. I said yes and she took my number. Later on I got a message on WhatsApp….she had made a group with me, her and her husband. He doesn’t contributed to the group chat but came along when I invited her over to my house and sat here like an oddball. They both drive and no SEN with the kids so really unsure what that’s about

It’s a wonderful thing and a privilege to be involved in the development of a new human and never should feel like a boring chore, not for a minute
Good grief! All life must end outwith the golden child and never find anything boring or you're a dreadful mother.
This must be the ultimate MN goal.

Just because you see a whole family in a supermarket it doesn't mean they don't usually shop separately.

I have a WhatsApp group with my builder and DH even though I tend to do most of the organising because my DH is interested and involved in our renovation, can make decisions or organise things with the builder when I'm unavailable and is in the loop for such an important aspect of his life. We are a team.

So if you swap the builder for yourself - you are the parent of this father's child's friend. They are a parenting team. The mother isn't interested in you as a friend separate to her child - and of course it makes sense for a father to be involved in his child's play dates, be aware of who you are, who's house his kid is visiting and even organise a play date with you. It's good for a child to see their father present and involved even if he isn't chatty Cathy with you. He doesn't need to be besties with you, like DH is particularly chatty with our builder like I am but he has a vested interest.

Also families do things together because it's fun and they like spending time together. It's not deeper than that. I lived alone and did everything alone for 10 years but doing boring domesticity with DH is 100 times better.

I wonder if it's because in some places it's more normal for the dads to be hands on/sharing the mental load etc.

It isn't at all sad to find some aspects of parenting boring. In fact, I don't believe those who claim that parenting is never, ever boring.

Of course it is.

Just catching if up on all these replies now. It sounds lovely that some families want to spend all their time together but sometimes I just think why is the husband there.

By husband you mean the dad? Why shouldn't he be there? Why wouldn't you equally wonder why the wife is there? We are hardly going to get equality if the mum has to be.the default parent at birthday parties, play dates, school runs and at the super market, etc.

Oh please!

No one thinks that 2 hours in soft play, with the stink of other peoples kids shitty nappies a gift. Its really not. 90% of parenting is absolutely awful, but we do it because we love them and want the best for them. And I say this as a woman who chose to have 6 kids, so I do know the grind and knew every single time what I was signing up for. It was 100% worth it, every step of the way, but was it fun, joyous ? No, not always and sometimes, not very often at all, and occasionally it was awful all day every day.

I do not for one second believe that anyone with a fully functioning brain is doing the Maria Von Trapp schtick all day every day. Its simply not emotionally possible to always be giving. It might be for a short while but eventually you become one of two things.....either everyones doormat who ends up sad and discarded unless she is cooking something as the kids get older or utterly burntout and on the verge (or actually having) a breakdown as she put her own needs second so her family assumed she doesnt have any.

The Austrian mountains and dirndl shops are that way➡

I think it depends on the activity and situation.

I know a family who's DD goes to a club, it's ridiculously early on a saturday. Every Saturday both parents take her and drag the other primary age siblings with them. The primary age siblings hate it. I don't get why they don't just alter weekends and the other stays at home with the siblings. I can understand important events like a tournament, but just practicing I don't get why they all go together.

Good grief. The father isn't some kind of third wheel in the relationship between the mother amd child, or a token man just showing up for duty. My dh and all the dads in our circle are lovely, involved dads and school runs, parties and shipping trips are shared responsibilities/pleasures. It's totally normal for the dads to be in the same WhatsApp group cause like pp said, dads want to know what's going on and maybe even (gasp) take part. In few families, I know the dad well but have barely met the mum

You might even find your child at a playdate with the dad of the other family at times!

We both do the school run. Youngest of 4 still in school so we both just enjoy it before going to work for the day

I bet it’s swimming. Swimming parents here - 5:30am swims twice a week, whoop whoop 😂

Yeah on that one I have to agree, silly to drag another child this early. But in general re this post, I just feel that if a mother enjoys watching their kids socialising or watching sports, feel proud, why dad shouldn’t? Father has the same parental rights just like mothers, I feel that on MN this is often forgotten. These poor blokes of some of the women on here just can’t get anything right.

My DH goes with me to some playdates (however, we have only one DC, not sure if it would be different otherwise). He is quite an involved dad so usually chats with other moms/dads while I look after the DC and then we change. This way we both can socialise with adults a bit and also help the DC when she needs help when socialising - learning how to share etc.

There is only one friend that he doesn't chat with much (I guess behaves a bit like an oddball as you say). He tried, but then confessed he just did not like her personality (to him she is not a very good listener, etc) so he is not usually coming to our meetings or if he does, he mainly concentrates on the DC. Could this be your situation @Hanzel44 ? If your friend's DH did not talk to you much, perhaps you or him did not like each other? If you don't like couples coming to playdates, perhaps he got this vibe from you? It could be your face expression or even something small that put him off chatting with you.

We need to normalise couples/dads doing playdates too. It's unfair to always put this on a mum only. They should be able to discuss the children's stuff too, otherwise what are they needed for?

I'm disabled as is my child (not visibly so unless I need my rollator, wheelchair that day). Sometimes it's logistics as others have said, sometimes either my child or I need additional help/support from my husband (ie. I'm unable to drive that day). For things like parties we're able to count on one hand how many invites our child has had to parties, so we both like to be there to see them enjoy themselves. We ensure that we do not intrude, offer to 'help' ie. Look after bags/coats etc. So the adult hosts can concentrate on the kids. TBH the adults tend to be pleased for the extra eyes although our son has never been invited to a non disabled child's party so not too sure what the etiquette is there🙂 Plus as others have said we like to spend time as a family, we may go off together after the party to do something.

I suspect it's because they perhaps lack social confidence/good social skills and having their partner with them gives them confidence?

I never had a problem rocking up to a child's party with DD and making conversation with strangers. And, in my experience, it was usually these Determined Couples who were a bit gauche and awkward.

It’s a wonderful thing and a privilege to be involved in the development of a new human and never should feel like a boring chore, not for a minute

Dear Lord, seriously? [runs screaming for the hills, hoping they're not alive with the sound of music).

A question from on of these 'determined couples' - how often do you do that? We have a playdate/party almost every weekend. Considering the DC also does extracurriculars on weekends, if DH does not join for a party he would not spend any quality time with the DC. He just genuinely wants to be there, help out, help the DC when needed, etc.

Does your DH also do a fair share of taking your kid(s) to playdates or is it you mainly?

Has anyone actually said "fathers can't do these things" or just question why both parents do things?

Mine are past the party and playmate stage, butvDH does more of the extracurricular lifts than I do currently... he does them whenever he is home because yes, he does like being involved in their lives.

It's a long time ago as our DDs are now grown up! But generally speaking it would have been me taking them to parties/play dates because DH worked very long hours and I was a SAHM or only worked PT.

Knowing that you're judging people for being "gauche and awkward" kind of confirms the point of the "determined couples"...