WWYD - son due to go on holiday tomorrow (inc. 2 days off school) but has been given saturday detention

[lechatnoir]

So we were due to take a long weekend holiday with our DC this weekend in part to celebrate a joint big birthday (DS 16 and my 50th) but also as a treat for DS working hard revising for his mock gcse which have just finished (lots of students still doing exams which is why we felt he wouldn't be missing too much). There was one optional subject he's really struggled with but school wouldn't let him drop. I was disappointed they wouldn't just let him drop it but OK with him drawing a line on that subject as he has 9 others and it was an option and accepting he'd fail one but use the time to focus on the other subjects.

However, I've just had an email from school saying he has been given a saturday detention & will face 'further consequences to be determined' for defacing one of his papers with disrespectful & obscene language (I've seen it and it's awful). There will clearly be consequences at home but of course in the immediate he's due to go on holiday which is hardly a punishment! It feels so wrong to still treat him with a holiday not to mention we had planned on telling school we were taking him away so they will no doubt be furious too given this incident.

I'm not cancelling the whole trip but can't leave him home alone & that would be massive to leave a child behind and miss a family holiday!

WWYD?

Personally, in a very stern voice, I’d tell him he is to still come on the holiday because it’s not a holiday for him, he is just attending it. I’d then say the holiday will go on as normal, but the second you step foot back in your house on Tuesday, huge consequences will be in force (gives you a few days to decide what the consequences are).
I’d inform the school and tell them you’d be happy for him to spend the next 1/2 Saturdays in detention.
Defacing something that doesn’t belong to him (he didn’t buy it, he doesn’t own it) is a huge problem he needs to stop now.
I’d also have him writing a formal apology letter to his teacher, acknowledging the hard work they put in to his education for your son to essentially throw it back in their face.
There will be many times in your son’s future that he will HAVE to do something he doesn’t want to do, he cannot react like this every single time.

Ring the school and explain that you are furious with him, but that he can’t attend the detention on Saturday, can he do it the following Saturday or after school today?

When he gets home, give him a proper bollocking then go on the trip as planned.

When I was at school, it was quite simple. You get up as you would on a week day, put your school uniform on and go to school. It was only until lunchtime.

Agree. Happened to one of my sons a couple of times!

I will be interested in knowing why he did it - he was obviously going to be caught and punished, so what on earth was he doing?

Can he stay with a grandparent while you go?

I wouldn't allow any school to put my kid in weekend detention. They don't get them on the weekends. They need the chance to leave school stuff at school and regroup - unless it's for something worse than defacing a paper. I'd punish him myself it necessary.

@xRobin Defacing something that doesn’t belong to him (he didn’t buy it, he doesn’t own it) is a huge problem he needs to stop now.

A paper? Really? I'd say he does own it actually.

This doesn’t sound like the biggest deal in the world, he would have known it’s going to be seen.
Maybe ask him why - when you know that then decide how to deal with it.

Go on your holiday- celebrate one bad behaviour choice doesn’t equate to shaming - but he might have some stuff going on?

some of the responses on this thread are quite mad.

It’s 1.5 days while everyone else is still doing mocks and there won’t be any active learning going on. Get a grip!

What exactly was on the exam paper OP?

He's been a bit of a tit, but 15/16 year olds often are. It's not the end of the world. Email school to say he can't do the detention this Sat due to a family commitment but you understand the importance of it, fully support the school blah blah and he'll do it another Saturday. Don't miss your holiday for this. But do have a proper chat with him about why he did it and the consequences if that was a real exam. He needs to fully understand this.

I've got two who are early 20s now and I do look back on their time at school and think I'm so glad to be out of it. I'm not saying your school is similar, but I used to have emails and phone calls about the weirdest little things.

I would go, this is not the end of the world- there are far worse things he could of done . Email school as others have said and explain you have a family engagement but will support DT on a different date

Why on earth would he?

Really? Feel like at my school people were doing worse than that on a daily basis.

Wouldn't have even crossed my mind to cancel the holiday or leave him behind. Put it to one side for the weekend and enjoy yourself. He can take his lashes afterwards.

Yes, I'd agree

He doesn't sound a very nice boy nor a very mature boy

Maybe there are extenuating circumstances? Perhaps his hand found it has a life of its own? 🙄

If my son had done something as puerile and disrespectful as this at 16, I'd have been incredibly disappointed

It's not clear from your post whether there's anyone he can stay with so you can leave him home? That would be my preferred option.

If not I'd be speaking to the school about moving the detention and any treats specifically for him on the holiday would be cancelled - no holiday spends for example.

I would go, and support the school by ensuring he serves the detention punishment when he returns. I’d also find something lovely for the other child/children to do whilst on your holiday which he must miss out on.

Absolutely go on your holiday OP.

Your son has behaved like a knob, but it often goes with the territory at this age. If he had been caught bullying or vandalising property or something that caused harm to someone else that would be completely different, but at his age he won't have joined the dots about about the less obvious impact of what he's done (e.g. that it's really disrespectful to his teacher).

Apologise to the school and make it clear to them that you support him being sanctioned, and make it clear to him too. Then go.

Personally I think overly punitive punishments and the subsequent resentment can cause more harm than good. Your ability to influence him as a parent is something that happens 365 days a year, not on the basis of a single choice.

I'd be angry and would have a discussion with him to get to the bottom of why he did it. But I wouldn't be cancelling a holiday abroad for a Saturday detention. Parents are tied in enough with consequences for term time holidays and the cost of school holidays. Go and enjoy your holiday.

@lechatnoir i think people are blowing this out of proportion, yes he's messed up, guessing he's kicking off after all the pressure. Yes there should be consequences but missing a big family event for special birthdays is a bit extreme! Also all the outrage about him missing a couple of days when highly likely he would be doing very little if others are still in and out of exams is a wee bit bizzare in my opinion

That's not how the exam board will see it.

I don't know about England, but the SQA issues documentation to both centres and pupils which include sections on malpractice. This covers both "frivolous content" and "offensive content — content in assessment materials that includes vulgarity and swearing that is outwith the context of the assessment, or any material that is discriminatory in nature (including discrimination in relation to the protected characteristics identified in the Equality Act 2010). This should not be read as inhibiting candidates’ rights to freedom of expression".

The full document is available on the SQA website.

"It was my paper!" would not be considered as any form of defence.

ETA The only positive here is that the boy did this in a mock. If he were to do it in the actual exam, there would be an investigation and - as others have said - a cancellation of the award.

It's not a poor decision. He's missing nothing and the term time holiday thing is an absolute joke.

Your son obviously needs to be punished, but this can happen next weekend so the rest of your family isn't suffering as a result.

How is defacing an exam paper any different from defacing desks or the back of a toilet door which some kids have been doing since schools were invented. Some people are acting as though some stupid teenage scrawl is something he should be tarred and feathered for. I don’t think it’s indicative of a fundamental character flaw. It’s shit and daft behaviour given it could get him disqualified from actual GCSE’s but I really don’t get the pearl clutching and hysteria.

Don't ask the school, simply state that he is unable to do the detention due to your family being away and that you are happy for him to do another Saturday (or the first available one when he is back) in lieu of the one he will miss. You can't very well cancel the holiday because of one person or leave him at home, but explain that there will be serious consequences for him on return from the holiday and follow up accordingly.

Just go on holiday
Reschedule the detention