WWYD - son due to go on holiday tomorrow (inc. 2 days off school) but has been given saturday detention

[lechatnoir]

So we were due to take a long weekend holiday with our DC this weekend in part to celebrate a joint big birthday (DS 16 and my 50th) but also as a treat for DS working hard revising for his mock gcse which have just finished (lots of students still doing exams which is why we felt he wouldn't be missing too much). There was one optional subject he's really struggled with but school wouldn't let him drop. I was disappointed they wouldn't just let him drop it but OK with him drawing a line on that subject as he has 9 others and it was an option and accepting he'd fail one but use the time to focus on the other subjects.

However, I've just had an email from school saying he has been given a saturday detention & will face 'further consequences to be determined' for defacing one of his papers with disrespectful & obscene language (I've seen it and it's awful). There will clearly be consequences at home but of course in the immediate he's due to go on holiday which is hardly a punishment! It feels so wrong to still treat him with a holiday not to mention we had planned on telling school we were taking him away so they will no doubt be furious too given this incident.

I'm not cancelling the whole trip but can't leave him home alone & that would be massive to leave a child behind and miss a family holiday!

WWYD?

It's a day and a half. The OP said that they had emailed the school to say they would be collecting him tomorrow lunchtime ie Thursday lunchtime. Everyone saying he can do the detention another time is ignoring the fact that his parents are still letting him bunk off school for 1 and a half days to go on a jolly, hardly a punishment.

I'd write to the school before he comes home and make it clear that this is coming from you not him.

I wouldn't mention the holiday and the extra days off (unless the school is very joined up the teacher imposing the detention probably won't know) and just say that he cannot attend the Saturday detention due to a pre-existing family commitment. But you fully realise the seriousness and will support a Saturday detention on another weekend and will be imposing your own consequences.

This! Don’t even ask school if you can rearrange the detention. Just apologise and say you cannot make it, you have a family commitment that cannot be rearranged, and he will do the detention on the next Saturday you are home.
I would take away all his other privileges and generally make his life uncomfortable for a good while, but still take him on the holiday.
Madness for people to suggest cancelling a family holiday.

I would phone and ask to speak to the relevant teacher. I would grovel and apologise and ask for the detention to be moved even increased if that will help.

Is Saturday a normal school day at his school? If not then Saturday detentions conflicting with existing family plans must have come up before. Does the school have a policy statement on how they deal with this?

My son went to a comp and had a Saturday detention in year 11 because it was deemed less disruptive to his education than a suspension and they told me that kids respond better to Saturday detention because it involves getting up early on a weekend and so it’s much more inconvenient than an after school or lunch time detention. Luckily he only did it once.

I would make an appointment in person or by phone with his head of year, explain how seriously you take it and what punishment as a family he will incur.

Explain it’s a weekend away for a 50th and ask for his detention to be deferred for one week.

and re-iterate that you support any additional penalties .

These are two (or three) separate issues. It's not great that you're rewarding him for one thing right after he's screwed up on something else, but that's down to you to navigate.

The Saturday detention is something else. There will always be circumstances whereby a child can't attend Saturday detention due to family commitments. Just tell the school, as suggested, that you have a family commitment this weekend that cannot be avoided and as such he cannot attend this weekend but you fully support him attending next weekend.

And as for the unauthorised days off school- yeah, it's rubbish, and you can expect them to be rolling eyes behind your back. Assuming you're not 'that' parent and don't do this often though, I'd be surprised if there is any comeback. They'll probably realise that you've seen the opportunity of no formal lessons due to mocks and it's just bad timing. Don't try to explain yourself though - it won't help and they don't really care.

Why on earth is a detention happening on a sat? That’s not a school day. Regardless, I wouldn’t be letting that interfere with my weekend plans.

give him a consequence but this is your birthday, so just be clear due to a family thing he can’t do this sat but can do the next.

go ahead and enjoy your birthday.

The school are overreaching themselves having detentions on a Saturday. You've already told them you're going to be away - refer them to your email of x date, and say your DS can't do the detention as he can't be left at home on his own, but you fully support any replacement detention or consequences due to the missed detention.

Your DS will simply have to face whatever music comes his way, rather than the rest of you missing out due to his poor behaviour.

Honestly? I would take him. I would take the opportunity whilst there to ask why he wrote it and if there’s something going on. He’s a teenager, I’ve got 4 children and 2 are past this stage now and looking back stuff like this is so trivial and I wish I hadn’t lost sleepless nights about it. I would ask him to write a letter of apology to the teacher that had to see it so that they are placated somewhat and then I would go and enjoy your break with your child. One of you could be dead or battling serious illness this time next year or we might be at war with Russia 🤷🏻‍♀️

Missing the point but how does Saturday detention work? Is it a boarding school?

I think you’ve done the right thing with the email under the circumstances. He’s messed up big time but you can compartmentalise this either way the family holiday. They’re not connected and it would be punishment for all of you if you didn’t go.
I would keep engaging with school and agree on the serious nature of what he’s done. I’d be skinning him alive and removing all home privileges for a while at least!
I agree with the pp about agreeing with school to do perhaps two Saturday detentions.
It’s not your fault though OP so don’t beat yourself up about it! Save it for your DS!

But the holiday involves bunking off at least a day and a half of school. If they were going away late Friday and back in time for school on Tuesday after the Inset day on Monday, then I would agree with the concensus on here. But the reality is that by taking her son out of school at Thursday afternoon she is allowing her son to enjoy a whole break away abroad and just fit the detention in to when is convenient for him. Hardly a punishment is it.

The OP cannot be expected to cancel a family holiday can she really? I understand what others are saying about not being supportive of the school but come on.

I'd do what others have suggested and email school explaining your position on this, just say he wont be doing saturday because of family commitments, suggest the alternative punishment and offer support with that and tell them there will be consequences at home. Follow that through by taking his phone or whatever you think will have the maximum effect. Then go on the trip.

Explain to your son that this behaviour is totally unacceptable for all the reasons others have said above, gcses are important, he could be disqualified if it was a real situation, the teacher doesnt need to be subject to that kind of foul language. And i think its important to now stamp out all his low level misdemeanors. He needs to grow up a bit and realise the seriousness of being a cocky little whatsit who is always on the schools radar.

I'd imagine if you leave him behind, he'll end up having a party or something which would be worse.

But you are already taking him out of school on an unauthorised holiday, which is a pretty shit example in the middle of his GSCE year.

His attitude sounds awful I'm afraid, and would get him fired from a job. Does he work? He really needs to learn respect and I would make it clear that as soon as his exams are over, he needs to get work for the summer.

I suppose you'll have to apologise profusely to the school, and think very hard about how you are parenting this boy before you end up as one as those posters who wonders why their 23 year old is living at home smoking weed and playing online games all night.

It would be massively undermining for you to let him go now. Can you imagine the next time he sees the teacher who gave him the detention if he just doesn’t show up because he’s been taken skiing, despite his parents knowing he behaved that way?
I think if it means you have to stay behind, the main punishment is him knowing that his behaviour has ruined this trip for everybody.

Its all booked… get them to do the detention the saturday after you get back.

I don't know what to advise the OP, but she needs to tell her son that the exam board doesn't take this kind of thing lightly.

I was a HoD (in Scotland) and we had to warn children that if they did this in actual exam, the board would take action.

(Ah, I see that others have made this point.)

Saturday detention? I've never heard of this.

Regardless of what my child done I'd never send them to a Saturday detention.

16 years old?? Isn't that old enough to leave someone on their own?

That's assuming that there will be someone available to supervise the following Saturday. Schools don't organise detentions around the parents.

Take him on the holiday but don't let him ski or snowboard as the punishment. He has to sit inside and study and show you what he's done after.

It’s just a day and a half when she’s already said it would basically be a token attendance anyway as others are still doing their mocks and there won’t be any substantive learning going on. It’s not like she’s taking him out for a fortnight!

Not someone with the level of maturity of scrawling swear words on a mock exam paper.