WWYD - son due to go on holiday tomorrow (inc. 2 days off school) but has been given saturday detention

[lechatnoir]

So we were due to take a long weekend holiday with our DC this weekend in part to celebrate a joint big birthday (DS 16 and my 50th) but also as a treat for DS working hard revising for his mock gcse which have just finished (lots of students still doing exams which is why we felt he wouldn't be missing too much). There was one optional subject he's really struggled with but school wouldn't let him drop. I was disappointed they wouldn't just let him drop it but OK with him drawing a line on that subject as he has 9 others and it was an option and accepting he'd fail one but use the time to focus on the other subjects.

However, I've just had an email from school saying he has been given a saturday detention & will face 'further consequences to be determined' for defacing one of his papers with disrespectful & obscene language (I've seen it and it's awful). There will clearly be consequences at home but of course in the immediate he's due to go on holiday which is hardly a punishment! It feels so wrong to still treat him with a holiday not to mention we had planned on telling school we were taking him away so they will no doubt be furious too given this incident.

I'm not cancelling the whole trip but can't leave him home alone & that would be massive to leave a child behind and miss a family holiday!

WWYD?

Would you genuinely cancel thousands of pounds of holiday? I wouldn’t. I think OP has come up with a v sensible plan.

We are away for a long weekend - Thursday lunchtime to Monday evening but Monday is an inset day so 1.5 days missed. We informed the school of his absence earlier this week so before this happened although I suspect his teachers may not have been aware until I had to tell them he wouldn't be around for the Saturday detention.

The point is they shouldn't be taking him out of school at all.
He's a GCSE year and although his mocks have finished, it sets a bad tone for his future at the school.

The point is that the OP arranged all of this knowing they needed permission and didn't get it.

She left is late and it appears they were going anyway even if the school said they weren't giving permission.

The OP has no plan. She's been told what to do by the school.

The school has agreed out of goodwill to allow him to do detention- and extra- when they are back from the hols.

Quite.

So although you are saying your son was disrespectful, he's getting the same message from you because you were happy to take him out of school without authorisation. You chose to tell the school right at the last minute so it would be a fait accompli- 'We've shelled out the money so we're going whatever.'

But would you cancel the holiday? I’m not asking if you would book it in the first place or thought the OP was right to do that.

I wouldn't cancel the holiday.

Kids make mistakes.

Your reply is a perfect solution.

I would pause the angry routine while away tbh! Don't let it all ruin your lovely holiday. Yes he has done wrong & it's disrespectful but it's not horrific tbh!

Important to note OP has said nothing about anyone being free and willing to look after him, so any cancellation might need to be the whole thing.

Can you imagine being the friend who gave such a kind and valuable present, when you could've potentially Air B and B'd the place out instead, and having the person say no sorry we're staying at home so my child can do a detention?! The AIBU thread on that one would be one for the ages!

I'd find someone to look after the son.

Or, aged 16 he's quite old enough to look after himself for 3 days with maybe his friends' parents keeping an eye on him, if possible.

Can't you see that cancelling the holiday is a red herring?

OP was never going to cancel. That's why she didn't ask the school till it was all done and dusted and their cases were almost packed!

He has been a bit of a twat. Lots of kids his age do stupid things. A stern chat/bollocking and move on. Enjoy your holiday and have a lovely birthday break x

Go on the holiday as planned and give him a barbecuing over what he put on the paper. Put him in Saturday detention when you get back.
Depending on exactly what he put, if he did that in a real exam, he could find himself disqualified and a U grade. In a job he’d be hauled over the coals at the very least and potentially sacked.

She did say there was no one to look after him. In which case I’d not be cancelling a whole holiday.

It sounds as though you are making good use of the two exam study days where your child doesn't have mocks, and between you and the school you've found a solution so that your child still experiences consequences and gets the message about how inappropriate they were. If I was the teacher I would be disqualifying the mock paper which has been defaced and he would need to do a different one while in the detention.
Put it out of your mind while you're away and have a good holiday and birthday celebrations. Make sure you still celebrate his birthday too or you might regret not doing so.

OP has said there's nobody to have him. It's both optimistic and entitled to presume there's someone there ready and waiting to be lumbered at such short notice, all so DS can do a detention on Saturday 8th February instead of Saturday 15th. If that were me and I were a friend's parent or whatever, I'd gladly help in a crisis or even a planned break well in advance, but wouldn't be impressed to be asked for something as stupid as this.

Agree with this!

Read only page one, but I'm disgusted by this brat.Had any of my DC done this, they would have had the paint stripped off them. No way should he have time off school for a birthday treat, he should be made to apologise to the staff member...he has to learn respect and to follow rules. Not one person so far has mentioned the staff member who has to give up weekend time to "man" the detention, either, since parents have decided that he will do it some other time of their choosing, and inconvenience someone else. Detentions are intended to teach a lesson. Really pisses me off that parents are so cavalier in their treatment of the people who are doing their best to make their students into decent human beings, while parents excuse their little darlings' lack of consideration and manners.

People have differing opinions on that.

What was 'entitled' was the OP organising a holiday where a GCSE year son had to take 2 days out of school, unauthorised.

This was all planned. The spanner in the works was the detention.
If he'd not had the detention- what then?

She's complaining about the dilemma but it's purely of her own making.

Parents can have fun on their 50th birthday without taking a child out of school.
And being 16 is neither here nor there.

What did he write?

It sounds as though you are making good use of the two exam study days where your child doesn't have mocks,

@JustCuttinAboot I don't see anything in her posts about there being study days. These are usually only for the actual exams- not mocks.

The son doesn't have exams but he's still expected to be in school- hence the dilemma.

I seem to be in the minority but I honestly don't see the big deal - he wasn't going to be taught anything, just expected to be in school, so he's really not missing anything.

He can do the detention when he gets back but no way would I miss a holiday or celebration for this!

I would go away and tell the school he’ll do his detention another Saturday. Defacing exam papers can get you disqualified by the exam board but it is a very common form of teenage protest. It would be better if he left it blank rather than writing obscene language, but teenagers don’t always make good choices. They should probably let him drop the subject if that was the one he defaced.

It’s 1.5 days with no normal lessons - exactly what is he missing?

Well no, one thing being entitled doesn't mean another can't be. There isn't a quota.

Even if we assume for the sake of argument that your opinion about arranging the holiday is correct, that's a different issue to the expectation that it's ok to fob this off on some other adult at short notice. That was very optimistic given that OP has said nobody's available, and it's entitled to think someone can be presumed on.

i know it’s a bit of a side issue but how can a state school enforce a Saturday detention? I can see how a private school could because presumably it’s part of a contract but how can a state school? I’m a pretty strict mum with regards to following rules and taking punishments but I wouldn’t expect to have to give up my own weekend plans for something like this .

i’m glad you managed to find a resolution with the school. Boys (and occasionally girls!) can be complete idiots sometimes. You will be reminding him of this when he’s 50. Hopefully he’s learnt his lesson.

As long as he realises he’s in the wrong and apologises it’s no good dragging it on and on. You’re taking his x box which to him will be the worst punishment ever.
Just go and enjoy your holiday.

This.

It's too late to lie and say he's ill, so all you can do is say, terribly sorry, we'll support him doing detention next weekend instead. Or double detention even.