WWYD - son due to go on holiday tomorrow (inc. 2 days off school) but has been given saturday detention

[lechatnoir]

So we were due to take a long weekend holiday with our DC this weekend in part to celebrate a joint big birthday (DS 16 and my 50th) but also as a treat for DS working hard revising for his mock gcse which have just finished (lots of students still doing exams which is why we felt he wouldn't be missing too much). There was one optional subject he's really struggled with but school wouldn't let him drop. I was disappointed they wouldn't just let him drop it but OK with him drawing a line on that subject as he has 9 others and it was an option and accepting he'd fail one but use the time to focus on the other subjects.

However, I've just had an email from school saying he has been given a saturday detention & will face 'further consequences to be determined' for defacing one of his papers with disrespectful & obscene language (I've seen it and it's awful). There will clearly be consequences at home but of course in the immediate he's due to go on holiday which is hardly a punishment! It feels so wrong to still treat him with a holiday not to mention we had planned on telling school we were taking him away so they will no doubt be furious too given this incident.

I'm not cancelling the whole trip but can't leave him home alone & that would be massive to leave a child behind and miss a family holiday!

WWYD?

I reckon you were being very optimistic when you booked the holiday on thinking he wouldn’t be in trouble when the time came!

I got the impression some of them are assuming there's some relative or friend to be lumbered, and OP could still go. Though I wouldn't be particularly impressed to be asked, in this situation! I'd put up a 16 year old I'm close to in an emergency, not a problem at all, but would regard this as a bit of a piss take.

Besides the actual point regarding the detention, but I will never understand the way GCSEs are seen as absolutely sacred by so many- OP is taking the rare opportunity for a family holiday when her son has a day and a half when he wouldn't be having lessons anyway! It doesn't signify some great disrespect for education or his qualifications, instead I'd say its emblematic of a good work-life balance and the importance of spending time with family. I'm a rule-follower at heart and always have been, but there are some times when the rules don't align with the nuances of real life and common sense. Missing a day and a half otherwise spent dicking around on the school computers and pretending to revise- at least, that's how most students spent such days when I was the same age- isn't going to be the deciding factor of the rest of his life.

It's such a shame this has coincided with the detention- I'd definitely be giving him a good talking-to about that and how he put your family holiday at risk for everyone. If the school can rearrange the detention then he'll be facing plenty of consequences when he gets back, not to mention whatever consequences he's going to be facing at home.

This.

You seem more worried about logistics than the various bits of evidence that your DS is veering slightly off the rails. Mucking around in class (disruptive and disrespectful) and then this massive fuck up. Are you perhaps too indulgent - a “boys will be boys” parent?

He needs a bit of a dose of reality …

I'm inclined to agree with this. Yes, it was a stupid, rude thing to do, but it's hardly crime of the century.
My suggestion would be a letter of apology to the teacher, go away as planned, and he does the Saturday detention the week after.

Yes I agree with PP it’s crazy to cancel booked arrangements for a detention. It could be a wedding, or family event or anything on a Saturday. Tell the school you will support their punishment but not that particular Saturday.

Absolutely no chance I'd be cancelling the holiday, as if anyone on here would either. I would apologise to the school and he can do it when he gets back.

Id still take him but I'd make sure I put in pretty tough consequences when he returned home no matter what because what he has done is very disrespectful and he shouldn't get away with that.

Just tell the school he can't do detention on the sat

They can move the detention to the week after.

Id be very disappointed in my son and he'd know about it - but no way would I cancel the holiday bc of his misbehaviour.

When you're away don't make things too nice for him.

I would tell school that there is a family event that he can't miss and then go BUT ensure he is doing the detention another Saturday. Then give him an almightly bollocking and look at some sanctions at home as well. Make sure he understands how badly he has F'd up
Don't ruin your weekend over it

You haven't fucked up - he's fucked up!

Honestly though this would be a no-brainier for me. Just go on the holiday and deal with it when you get back.

I don't believe anyone would cancel a holiday over this either, people love to act all pious and holier than thou on MN!

He's 16, not 11 so either leave him at home or leave him at his grandparents'. If you take him out of school to go on holiday then you're just rewarding his bad behaviour and making him even more entitled.

I’d talk to school and explain that your son is not available this Saturday but will do the next Saturday instead.
the trip is for a birthday so probably secondary to everything at school.
On return, he would be grounded and no tech for a month.

I'd say he wont be available this Saturday but we will make him available another week and we will also be taking action at home to ensure he realises how totally unacceptable this was. He will also be writing a letter of apology.

It's your 50th. You can't let his misbehaviour at school derail a big birthday, OP.

Drop them an email telling them he won't be in attendance due to family plans that you are not willing to change and tell them he will serve the detention the Saturday after.

Take his phone off him for a few days etc (and tell him to grow the feck up, frankly) and go enjoy your weekend.

I'd prepare for the likelihood of paying a fine for taking him out, too.

I live in South London and Saturday detentions are very common at local state schools but only at schools where they also run Saturday sports training so it tends to be the boys schools.

If it was my child I'd be furious at him and I'd probably see if he could stay with my mum or my brother for the weekend. It would be tough in him but hopefully it would be a short sharp shock that prevented anything like this happening again.

if this isn't possible for you I would suggest contacting the school, telling them there will be no one home to take care of him this weekend so he can't attend and offering for him to do at least two Saturday detentions when you get back.

I would also be making sure there was some sort of penalty for him over the weekend - maybe a respectful letter of apology to the school before he is allowed to go skiing.

WHAT?? At war with Russia? Ye gods!

Contact the school and change the date of the detention. (He doesn't get to miss it AND get a holiday.)

Clearly you do need to let him (and the school) know how you feel about the behaviour he has shown.

What consequences seem reasonable?
(I'm not sure that missing a holiday is something you would have come up with at another time.)
He owes you for this stress (and for associating you with behaviour like his) and he owes the staff who had to deal with it too. How can he make up for it?

Teach him how to apologise in a meaningful way - it will be useful in future for sure!

Go on your holiday and enjoy yourselves , deal with it when you get back , he probably feels pretty shit about the trouble he has caused but school can't expect families to change weekend plans at such short notice.
Sod all the snarky comments ,punishment aside a day or two off won't make a scrap of difference in the grand scale.
He will only be 16 once and you 50 the same , he is a young man who has done something stupid ,nobody has been hurt and you are taking it seriously and in the future looking back this silly thing really won't matter.

Apologies I had to get some work done!

He's not home yet but DH & I have spoken and had further email exchange with school and have a plan:

We will be going on holiday & taking DS - it's far from ideal and any other event I wouldn't think twice about cancelling but this is the whole family going abroad & I'm not having a £2.5k+ bill on my credit card without a holiday to show for it! No chance I'd leave him on his own and there's no-one to have him - the only people are my parents and my dad is currently in bed with flu and my mum won't come on her own.

School have asked that DS write a letter to his teacher apologising which I will make sure he does tonight & hand delivers with a sincere apology in the morning. He is now staying after school the 4 days they're in next week (for revision clinics) and his Saturday detention has been deferred by a week. I have explained we fully support the school and are horrified by his behaviour & lack of respect.

We will be speaking to him about the seriousness of this and home punishment will be removal of phone & Xbox until end of next week with reinstatement only if there are no more school incidents. The time he usually spends online can be spent on revision or doing one of the additional chores we've given him (cooking dinner and/or dog walking) I'm well aware him being cheeky & talkative is just downright bloody annoying and needs stamping out and this is quite possibly that next step he's taken too far so we really need to show him we won't tolerate this sort of behaviour. Any wise words on that one welcome as short of telling him off & confiscating his prized possession, I'm not really sure what other effective punishment there is. And yes we will be talking to him not only tonight (when I'll be in very cross/disappointed mum mode) but also over the weekend once we've calmed down to try and get to the bottom of it and what's going on to make him think this is acceptable or if he's lashing out at something.

Thanks for all the advice however bonkers some of it was!

Just tell the school you are utterly horrified and will one hundred percent support punishment. However not this Saturday as you cannot change your plans. Just apologise to them and explain it's your 50th. Don't mention it's also a 16th .

Then confiscate all your son's electronic equipment and carry on with the holiday. I imagine a teen with hate not being able to post about his fab weekend. Perhaps your son can spend his spare time over the weekend writing an apology letter.

But don't miss it as that is punishing you.

Then your child would almost certainly get a formal suspension from school as a result of your failure to support the school attempting to discipline him/her.

Very interested to know what the defacing of a paper was with disrespectful and obscene language? Was it something like ‘this is total f’ing shit’ etc? Assuming it was the subject that he is being forced to study (and not a core subject) when he is already studying for 9 other GCSEs. Obviously he has no interest in the subject and is making his frustrations clear! What is the schools rationale for not letting him drop it?

TBH I’d be a bit meh about this (and probably chuckle). Certainly would not have considered him missing a holiday. It’s not like he was rude to the teacher verbally, threatened or bullied anyone.

Certainiy wouldn’t punish him any more at home either. That’s what the detention is for.

This ☝🏻