I need a handhold - my daughter is in NICU and my husband has been asked to go back to work

[oneofmeiscutebuttwothough]

My baby girl was born a week ago tomorrow and is in the NICU, after she was born at 32 weeks. It's looking as though she'll be here for at least another week, if not two.

My husband's work were amazing for the first week. They said he could take it as paid leave, no need to use annual leave or unpaid leave. He had a call with his line manager this morning and they told him that they expect him back from Monday, or they'll count the last 7 days as part of his paternity leave I know it makes sense for him to save his paternity leave for when baby girl is home, but it's also just heart wrenching. He'll do as much flexible working as he can to be with us at least some of the day, but now I feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot of this alone.

I'm not sleeping properly, leaving her everyday is breaking my heart. I know she's in the best place and I know that him going back to work won't be that big a deal, because my mum and MIL are both able to be with me as much or as little as I want. But I also just want him to myself for a little longer so he can be my rock.

Just after a handhold, I don't want to be told to tell him to sue his work or anything like that because I know in the long run this makes sense. I just feel so lost and upset right now

So effectively he is back for a week or 2 then on paternity leave ? I guess it is up to you both whether it would be more useful for him to be off now or when your baby comes home. If he works from home maybe now would be more useful ? So he can be with you in the NICU ?

OP I have been in your shoes.

NICU is a really hard place to get your head round and you are really vulnerable. I can completely understand your position in wanting your husband there.

My DH did go back to work though as we knew the time he would be needed most was once we were home. We also had a toddler so our focus also had to remain on making sure he was ok too. The person for us who was most amazing was my DHs grandad. He drove me to hospital every day while my DH dealt with work and our toddler then my DH came and got me at the end of the day so that he could also see our DC while his parents looked after our other DC.

Have you been able to strike up any conversations with other mums? Their support could be a great comfort to you, and yours them.

It is so hard, take every bit of help, support and love you can get and try not to dwell on your DH having to go back to work. Focus on what you’ll be able to do together when you get home and he has his paternity leave.

Sending hugs and wishing your baby a speedy recovery to get home xx

Is a week old 32 weeker still in ICU though ? It's possible but not typical. It sounds to me like the baby is doing well and will be home once she has learnt to feed and regulate her temperature- talking of desperately unwell children in intensive care is misleading.

Congratulations on your little girl ✨ I had a month NICU stay when mine were born at 32 weeks and I know this won’t mean much to you now, but a few years down the line and you will barely remember this time.

My husband also had to go back to work after a few days and I used to get up early morning, get a taxi to the hospital because I wasn’t allowed to drive and spend the whole day until gone midnight. It feels lonely, but also not lonely because of all the nurses, babies, sounds. This will be your quiet time before you get home! Although it felt awful at the time, one positive which came from a NICU stay was that your little girl will come home with a super great routine. I’ve watched others discharged within a few hours of birth and I just think wow, it must be so difficult to get a baby in to a routine on your own. They were my first so I was very blinded with everything but you will appreciate that. When Dad comes to visit after work you will be bossing everything! You can also say no to things like bathtimes until Dads there, so don’t feel like everything has to be you alone ☺️

Leaving the hospital and driving off is heartbreaking but each night you do it is one less night you have to do it. You will be home in no time. I’m sure your NICU will also let you call up from home at anytime just to check in, so if you’re struggling in the night at home just give them a call and try get those last few hours of sleep ❤️

@Neurodiversitydoctor my baby is still ventilated.

Hi OP I've had two early babies.. one was in for 8 weeks the other for 4 weeks (and yes as a pp says, it's likely not to be NICU the whole time unless there's something clinical going on with your little one?)

DH had to go back to work fairly quickly each time. The best advice I can give you is to try and focus on the positive. Your baby is hopefully doing well and you have support. When you come out your DP will be able to spend some time with you on paternity leave. Parenthood is a big series of things you think you can't cope with, but of course you do. I sympathise a lot and please remember your hormones are absolutely all over the place, currently. Take support where you can and if you feel yourself unable to cope with your emotions I'd definitely recommend talking to your GP/health visitor/a clinician at the hospital.

We've arrived at the hospital (a little later than I would've liked but my husband insisted we stopped and got coffee and breakfast).

Baby girl is off the ventilator and onto CPAP which feels like a huge step. Next step is obviously to get her off that, and she's being moved to SCBU very shortly.

It's nice to have taken such a big step forward because everything felt so shit last night.

Oh blimey that is tough, I do think DH's work should be more accomadating in that case. 💐

Just seen your update glad to hear that hope she is much better soon.

Congratulations on your tiny bundle of joy @oneofmeiscutebuttwothough !

I hope things feel a bitter better today, with baby off the ventilator and it not being night time when our worst feelings tend to come out.

I had preemies too and a husband who had to go back in between times - it might feel insurmountable now but I promise you in a couple of months when you're snuggling your baby everything will feel fine.

On the face of it you have nothing to complain about. You have two sets of parents who care very much for you and are supporting you emotionally and practically. You have money coming in and you have skilled medics caring for your tiny baby.

However, your hormones and emotions don't square with that. Just as your baby hasn't read the book for when she should have been born, when she should eat and sleep, and in the future crawl, walk, talk, your hormones and feelings can't be rationalised.

Allow yourself time to acknowledge all of this and that this is a very scary and worrying time but then you have to get on with the day. Don't lose enjoyment time with your baby and husband later in the day by spending it thinking and talking about how scared you are. As I said before, you get to be with your baby as much as you want. Your husband doesn't.

I know I don't and I feel so guilty for feeling like this when our girl is here and healing. But it's just such a weird thing to go through

Your feelings are valid.

Please do not let others minimise or invalidate them.

I hope that your little one is doing well; great news getting on to CPAP and the planned SCBU move. Go gently with yourselves xx

I certainly wasn't minimising or invalidating @oneofmeiscutebuttwothough so I hope you weren't suggesting I was. I'm trying to empower her to take control so she doesn't lose this precious time.

Sorry - what??! The OP's baby is in NICU and the OP has 'nothing to complain about'?

This is a very strange post.

The OP has a lot to process, she has had a huge shock and it is very difficult being in NICU alone.

@oneofmeiscutebuttwothough took my post in the spirit it was meant so you can step down. She obviously is going through the most horrendous time but beating herself up and worrying won't help and I don't want her to regret wasted time.

You have every right to find it hard. It is really hard. I’m so sorry your DH can’t be with you in this really challenging time.

Congratulations and don't worry. Our DC born early was in for a month. I was allowed home after a week and then went back for 4 days to learn to BF.

DH got offered some compassionate leave and then took paternity leave when we got home. I let him go to a conference, because normal life carrying on felt the best way to proceed.

Regarding time at home, you probably will need to spend some time getting ready for baby to come home soon and that's very important.

Re your DHs work - I'm sure they will show their support in other ways.

All the best OP 💕

Having a baby in NICU is really tough but a lot of people find themselves in this situation. We did. The first day at the hospital on my own I felt a little lost but then got in the swing of doing things myself. And I was grateful he saved his pat leave for when the baby came home and I had no medical staff to support me. It's a tough time but you will get through it. Try to focus on the lovely family time you will have together when your baby is home.

OP that is fantastic news that your baby girl is now off ventilator,what a little fighter ,so much now to be positive about. Sending positive vibes to you and your precious daughter.X

Is this your first? If he doesn’t need to take care of another child, can he come to the hospital from 6-11 in the evening and bring you breakfast in the morning? When my youngest was in the hospital my DH came for breakfast if he could, brought our eldest after lunch, and then came for an hour or two in the evening. It was so hard not having him there more, but I knew my eldest needed him more. My parents also came one in the morning and one in the afternoon most days

It is terrible but I trust you’ll make it

You feel pleased with yourself? I feel so guilty for feeling like this was the reply.

Yeah, great work.

Your post was grim.

ETA : I quoted the wrong post, this was supposed to be inresponse to the 'stand down' reply.

OP, congratulations on your baby. I'm sorry your baby was premature and you're in this situation. It's very challenging in the NICU/SCBU. Have a virtual hand hold.

We were in the HCU, and then we also moved into the SCBU. It was Covid times. I wasn't allowed any visitor in hospital and DP had to leave after the c section. I was still suffering from severe odema also. My partner also worked quite a bit during this time. We got to live together at the hospital though which was good. After going back home for a bit, we went and lived at SCBU for 10 days before were all went home together. With big smiles! The really bad thing, was that due to Covid, we couldn't be with our son together in the unit. I'd been told we could be together with him for as long as we wanted! I struggled. I cried down there once, but another mum was kind. I get it. It's not what we were expecting.

There were positives too. It was great having hands on support with feeding etc. Before we went home, our little son was in our room for 48 hours and they weighed him at the end and we could take him home if he'd put on sufficient weight. That was a Sunday and a Monday. DP had to work on Monday afternoon. It was daunting... and we passed the weight test!

You might feel like its one step forward and sometimes 2 or more back. You will get there. Sending strength. Well done for being a great mum so far. I remember my partner reminding me that my baby needed me.

Baby girl is looking a lot, lot better today and I feel a lot better because the sun is out. That's stupid I know but we drove about halfway to the hospital, jumped on the tube and then walked. It was glorious and I feel amazing for getting the sun on my face.

Warmest congratulations, OP, on the birth of your daughter.

I'm not sure how your DH will be able to concentrate on work while his tiny baby daughter is in intensive care, but unfortunately it seems he's going to have to turn up for work for the next week or so until your daughter is strong enough to go home.