I need a handhold - my daughter is in NICU and my husband has been asked to go back to work

[oneofmeiscutebuttwothough]

My baby girl was born a week ago tomorrow and is in the NICU, after she was born at 32 weeks. It's looking as though she'll be here for at least another week, if not two.

My husband's work were amazing for the first week. They said he could take it as paid leave, no need to use annual leave or unpaid leave. He had a call with his line manager this morning and they told him that they expect him back from Monday, or they'll count the last 7 days as part of his paternity leave I know it makes sense for him to save his paternity leave for when baby girl is home, but it's also just heart wrenching. He'll do as much flexible working as he can to be with us at least some of the day, but now I feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot of this alone.

I'm not sleeping properly, leaving her everyday is breaking my heart. I know she's in the best place and I know that him going back to work won't be that big a deal, because my mum and MIL are both able to be with me as much or as little as I want. But I also just want him to myself for a little longer so he can be my rock.

Just after a handhold, I don't want to be told to tell him to sue his work or anything like that because I know in the long run this makes sense. I just feel so lost and upset right now

Congrats OP! I’ve been there too and when my DS was born, DH had to go back to work after a few days as he was self employed and landed a huge contract shortly before DS was born. It was so difficult but you do get into a routine and I even made a friend there. For me, it was the worry of handling a tiny baby on my own. Dressing them with all the wires, feeding them was complicated and just being a first time mum in a totally alien environment. I made lots of notes when the consultants came to speak to me and googled them afterwards. It gets easier the more confident you get and then when she comes home I promise it will become a distant memory very quickly.

I’m so pleased you have a lovely supportive family around you. You will be okay but I completely sympathise with your situation.

I can empathise a little. I’ve not been in your situation but my DH is so grounding and everything seems more manageable together.

Think about the positives though. He can work flexibly so you’ll still get plenty of time together with your baby, you have your mum and MIL for extra support and he’ll only be at the end of the phone. You can send photos, messages, FaceTime. His employer would be an absolute dick not to understand him checking in with you during work. You’ll be in constant contact and with him going back and forth, he can bring you clean clothes and decent food, take your dirty washing home etc.

The next week will be hard but you’ll make it work and then have all that time together to settle into your new life at home.

It will be so worth it.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal OP.

My DC spent months in NICU and OH's employers did nothing more than the bare minimum (unpaid paternity leave for 1-2 weeks). I can't wait for the neonatal bill to come into place so no one else needs to go through that.

You will manage, it may be tough, but you'll hopefully soon be home and this will be a distant memory.

I made friends with other mum's. The milk shed where we pumped was a place we often caught up. Also I didn't have any family but your MIL and mum will help. It's such a vulnerable time OP. Go easy on yourself. My DH had to go back to work too.

Congrats on the birth of your gorgeous baby and so so sorry to hear that you're in NICU. I've been there and got that t-shirt. All I can say is the first week or two is the hardest. You're just post birth and in this nightmare scenario of trying to figure it all out and your body is dealing with hormonal changes and longing for your baby, it's very tough. But you'll be surrounded by amazing mums and dads going through something similar and the medical staff will be equally amazing and supportive so it does and will get better. I struck up some amazing friendships in the pumping room and I had some lovely conversations with the chaplain, nursing staff and other parents as time went on but it is hard when you're there on your own. xx

I'm so sorry, OP. Most of us (hopefully) choose to marry the person who we want to be our rock during these most frightening and difficult moments in our lives, so of course you want him there no matter how great your mother and MIL are.

I often find it helps to remind myself that a lot of life (at least as an adult) is about choosing the least shite choice available. I don't mean that flippantly or dismissively... I find it genuinely helps me to acknowledge that sometimes the best option is just still going to be awful in some way, and I don't have to pretend otherwise or ignore that awfulness. So yes, it sounds like your DH going back to work is the best option when you consider all the practicalities and you'll have other support and that's fortunate and also it's awful for you (and your DH) emotionally to not be able to be by each others' side through this. Both of those things are true and worthy of acknowledgement, and I don't need to use the "positives" to try to dismiss the awful parts or let others do it. This mindset also often helps me get out of decision paralysis (which often centres around me fruitlessly looking/waiting for a mythical ideal choice), but it sounds like you and DH have made a decision and you're just working on some grief around it. And it is ok to have have a lot of grief around it.

Take care.

Sending you all the hugs your way. I have been in your shoes. We were in the NICU until 37 weeks, and there are the highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows. I truly wouldn't wish the NICU experience on anyone. My husband also had to go back to work within a few days after, and it was hard for him (though he downplayed it for me), and he felt so disconnected from our daughter, he only got to see her at nights and weekends for a few weeks. I spent my day in the hospital with my baby, although I was barely able to hold her, feed her etc due to the tubes etc. We both had our own struggles with the situation, and it is so important to try to hear each other out and support each other.

Please know that when the baby comes home, you will want both parents around. The baby is essentially just "born" re. weight and development, and they will still be under what is considered normal. Eating will be critical for weight gain, so you will want all the help you can get as they will likely feed more often and wake more frequently. As hard as it is to feel alone with this burden right now, do not burn through his paternity/time off. You will definitely want it later.

Congratulations OP! So sorry you’re having to go through NICU. I relate to so much of your post; the evenings were agony. My DC was born at a similar gestation (slightly earlier) and DP was self employed so went back to work (albeit flexibly). I found after a week or so I got into a routine and the days passed fairly quickly with all the pumping, running out to eat, 3 hourly baby cares etc. Make sure you do something small for yourself as often as you can - I had a lot of “two pastry days” as I now think of them. Also - seems from your post like you’re doing a good job of this already - but try to remains open minded on your baby’s coming home time. For some reason, I got in my head that DC would be home within 3 weeks and it was actually 5. On the plus side, things change so quickly (eg going from tubes in on a Monday, to tubes out the next day, one night in transitional care and home on the Friday, that sort of thing!). As many PPs have said, it all becomes a distant memory. Last thought… I found one of the hardest parts of being alone that I had to relay complicated medical info to DP and there was the potential for it to be misconstrued because it was second hand info. If possible, maybe your DH could still come to weekly ward round (if that’s a thing everywhere) or one of the daily conversations. Hang in there OP x

Aww OP I’ve been there myself I know all the feelings all too well 😢

What helped me was feeling the fear and doing it anyway so to speak. It’s not nice being torn apart from your biggest support and your new baby at the same time but you can be brave for her even if you’re feeling afraid/anxious
I bought myself a scrapbook with this poem on the front and plan to use it for photos to document all my DS milestones.
Wishing you all the best and as the NICU nurses used to tell us- each day she’s one day closer to the door!

My heart goes out to you,

It looks as though your husband has to go back to work. I am sorry, can imagine how difficult that will be for you and for him but life is like that sometimes.

Thank goodness you have the grandmas to support you. The time will soon pass and you and your precious little daughter will soon be home, bless her heart.

Many congratulations to you all.

If he gets sick pay I’d tell him to get a line for stress.

I'm so sorry OP - being a new mother is a scary, vulnerable experience at the best of times, and you must be feeling both the overwhelming amazingness of your wonderful new baby and also the stress and upset of her being in hospital and prem.

At least when she does come home, your husband will be there, and it's great your Mum and his are around and supportive, but of course you feel upset. If it is any consolation at all, I was my parents' first child, and in NICU as a newborn, and my Dad had to go back to work (no paternity leave or anything then at all), and 46 years later I'm all grown up with sons of my own, as well as younger siblings.

Hugs op. Ive been there. I cried every single day.

All you can do is focus on baby and look forward to when you can get home.i promise you'll back and barely remember this

You will be absolutely fine, I promise - the thought of it will be scarier than the reality. If your baby was born at 32 weeks and is likely to come home in a week or two then she’s doing really well and is in good shape - she’ll be home with you before you know it. In the meantime, take advantage of the support the NICU can offer and you’ll be feeling more confident about it all in no time.

I was in nicu with my little girl for 2 months and I completely understand. It’s terrifying, you’re at your most vulnerable and you want your husband above everyone else.
I would do the day shift and then he spent a few hours with her in the evening but leaving her each day was awful no matter how lovely the staff were. I can feel that anxiety again just thinking about it all but you will be ok and you’ll get yourself into a strange nicu world routine.
Dont be scared to say how you feel, don’t hold it all in…the nurses are brilliant and know what you’re going through.
Something that helped me was having the number for the unit and just ringing in to check in on her. They were happy to update me at any time.
In a few weeks time you’ll be cuddling her at home with your husband right next to you.xxx

He 100% should get signed off with stress. What can his manager do about it? Nothing.

Due to your own distress over it, and your husband's fury, I'd absolutely be getting a GP note for stress. His Line Manager is a disgrace - utterly cruel.

If an employer treated me like that in this situation, I'd be looking at changing jobs asap.

I really hope that whatever happens, you're ok. It helps when pumping that you're with baby and looking at her, it really helps the flow of milk to come. I know pumping round the clock is full on, I have been there with both children, but it's so worth it.

NICU nurse here.

Most dads go back to work pretty early on then take paternity leave when baby goes home. At 32 weeks she won't be in for long and you'll need him when you both go home and you can be in your new born cuddly bubble.

I'm also an ex NICU mama x 3. It's bloody hard

Congrats on your new arrival OP.
This happened to us with our now adult DC and to be honest going back to work and delaying paternity leave is probably the most sensible option, although I appreciate it doesn't feel like that to you right now.
For me it was so much nicer to have paid time off as a new little family when the worry and stress of being in hospital had gone.
If he has work flexibility to pop in and out in the meantime then he's not missing all that much while your DC is in NICU as provided things are stable there's a lot of sitting around in a not very homely environment while your baby sleeps and grows. It sounds like you have lots of family support to keep you company when you need it which is good.
Better to have him around 24/7 when you're getting settled in at home and finding your way without nurses on hand.
Take care and hope you get home soon.

How does your husband feel? I’m not sure mine has ever forgiven his former boss for the way he behaved when our child was in NICU. I definitely haven’t. It’s really the mark of a decent employer how they behave in times like these. Can he go above his line manager to HR? If not and your husband has a stable work contract I would consider getting signed off by the GP with stress. It’s great that you have all this support, but I expect your husband wants to be there just as much as you want him there. So sorry you’re going through this

I don't think your husbands work are being unreasonable. If your husband wants to be with you he can although obviously that will use up some of his paternity leave. It sounds like you have good support around you and you will also hopefully find the staff at the hospital helpful.
If your husband is genuinely sick with stress then off course he should take leave but the suggestions made by previous posters seem to imply he should pretend to be stress to get leave are obviously wrong. He mustn't do that. It's dishonest.

It's not right and many better workplaces exist.

The thing to do now is accept it and manage as well as you both can.

He can start looking for a new job when you're home and settled, when this is over.

Hi, my twins were born at 31 weeks and like your husband, my partner had one week paid off and then he had to go back to work. It was slightly out of choice as we didn’t want his leave to be until the babies came home.
He changed his hours temporarily, can your husband do this? It meant he could be at the nicu 3pm until we went home to bed. (I was able to stay in a room at the hospital for the first week and then had to go home so I went up to nicu every day 8am-9pm ish.
It was a very emotional time but our expected 9 week stay turned out to be just shy of 5 weeks, so you never know - baby may come home sooner then expected.

Congratulations on your little arrival x

If your child was in so unwell they were intensive care would you be able to focus on your job? I wouldn’t be able to and I would want my husband with me.