I need a handhold - my daughter is in NICU and my husband has been asked to go back to work

[oneofmeiscutebuttwothough]

My baby girl was born a week ago tomorrow and is in the NICU, after she was born at 32 weeks. It's looking as though she'll be here for at least another week, if not two.

My husband's work were amazing for the first week. They said he could take it as paid leave, no need to use annual leave or unpaid leave. He had a call with his line manager this morning and they told him that they expect him back from Monday, or they'll count the last 7 days as part of his paternity leave I know it makes sense for him to save his paternity leave for when baby girl is home, but it's also just heart wrenching. He'll do as much flexible working as he can to be with us at least some of the day, but now I feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot of this alone.

I'm not sleeping properly, leaving her everyday is breaking my heart. I know she's in the best place and I know that him going back to work won't be that big a deal, because my mum and MIL are both able to be with me as much or as little as I want. But I also just want him to myself for a little longer so he can be my rock.

Just after a handhold, I don't want to be told to tell him to sue his work or anything like that because I know in the long run this makes sense. I just feel so lost and upset right now

You’re getting some unpleasant responses here.
speak to your GP and your husband can be signed off sick. He won’t be able to function at work while his baby is in NICU.
Congratulations on your baby x

Congratulations on your baby!
Regarding your DH, what a horrible position to be in, and he’ll remember the way they’re treating him for the rest of his life. His HR team could very well exercise discretion, you don’t get many NICU births, and this is a prime example of when a little discretion would go a long way.

Does he get sick pay? If so, has he thought about going sick with the stress? There’s no way he’ll be focused on his role and performing at his best, and if he’s struggling with the stress of this all he is perfectly entitled to take some sick leave. He can self certify the first week.

I get the impression they wouldn’t hesitate to performance manage him for not being on form.

Depends on the severity of the child’s prematurity/illness and the job surely. A massive company with someone working a desktop job is easy enough to cover and they can afford to.

Im a farmer and we employ 4 people. No matter what is going on in those 4 peoples lives, or ours for that matter, our animals need feeding. We can’t afford or could find short term cover at short term notice. Not ideal and it doesn’t make me proud as an employer but it’s the reality of some business.

Best wishes to you OP and your little family. I hope you are all back home safely soon and your little one is all well x

The thing is, and I say this kindly, there’s always a solution if you look hard enough. If someone in a 4 person team suddenly dropped dead (heaven forbid), you’d find a way to replace them both in the immediate term and the long term. The animals wouldn’t starve in the field, even if the rest of the team had to pull together to make it work. You’d get by.
The fact this employer cannot see that given the choice of their newborn baby or work, they’re going to chose their family every time, is incredibly short sighted.

Oh bless🤗 congratulations on your baby girl. Keep positive, take one step at a time.

DH was signed off with stress by the GP for around 8-10 weeks after DS was born and was in NICU for around 5 or 6 weeks.

Can your DH consider this option? It is perfectly justifiable. I had an EMCS and we were in shock as I was 31+4 when DS was born (with three DC at home).

Wishing you all lots of strength at such a difficult time. Your DD is s wee fighter💪

Aahh OP, you have all my sympathies. I had a similar experience and it was horrible. A week in NICU or special care feels like it will be forever, and when you add on the regime they put you on it feels like an extra exhausting punishment.
Sounds like you have great support but you’re entitled to feel the way you do about wanting your husband there. I still feel like I had those first weeks stolen from us.
I do also get it from a business perspective but Hopefully they’ll continue to be supportive where they can and allow him some flexibility so he’s not working full shifts if that’s possible.

You will be home with your family soon, and it will feel all the more special. Congrats on your baby girl.

I think it sounds very hard but you have 4 really great grandparents supporting you.

Posters suggesting the husband gets signed off sick are irresponsible. It sounds as though he works in the private sector, with an unsympathetic manager. I don’t think he should be putting his job in jeopardy. Perhaps he could book some annual or unpaid leave.

DH tooks several weeks of sick leave, then eventually took his paternity leave and then had some annual leave to use up too so he was around for a while.

No, it's not irresponsible. It's a genuinely stressful time if you have a baby in SCBU/NICU and is why many GPs understandably sign many Dads off with stress in this scenario.

Totally different story but my oldest was born at 33 weeks. They said he'd be in until his due date. He came home at 34w and 6 days!

He's gutted, he was up most of the night with me. It's a horrible situation but we've spoken and agreed it's best for him to go back, because he's just been promoted and the hope is that in a few years time, he'll either be able to make a lateral move and be at the top of a company or set up his own business.

I know I sound pathetic, and that I need to be able to be stronger for my daughter, but I just feel so vulnerable right now and it's hard

That’s really tough. When a colleague’s baby was in the NiCU he was given three months off, paid and we all (as best we could) covered him. No one was annoyed because he was a lovely man and his little one was poorly.
He would be eligible for unpaid parental leave. Do you have savings that would cover the loss of salary? Or would family help you out?

You’re not pathetic at all. I would 100% want my DH in this situation.

If you’ve decided he is definitely going back then put in a flexibile working request to make it easier for hospital visiting etc. would he be able to work on a Sat morning and finish earlier every afternoon for example? Sometimes it’s easier at the weekend to manage without them because other people are more free to come abd support.

He'll be as flexible as he can, it's not the money we're worried about but the potential for retaliation or someone lashing out and ruining his reputation within the industry. We have savings and either salary is enough to support us financially. It's just horrible

All I can say is what an arsehole employer. No compassion whatsoever.

I think this is a legitimate concern. I think his work have been very reasonable giving him a week's paid leave. How much paternity leave was/ is he planning on taking ?

@Neurodiversitydoctor he'll be taking the full two weeks

Sadly @oneofmeiscutebuttwothough it comes with the territory of being married to a senior/professional person. Decades ago when I went into labour at 27 weeks, DH was in court. A good outcome was not expected. His clerk waited outside for him and bundled him into a car. The judge adjourned proceedings for two days and DH had to be back after that.

For the pp who said the HR Department can give discretion. If I knew your mum and MIL were on hand, I would offer paid, unpaid or pat leave for next week. Compassionate I'd reserve for a family with children and no help. Decisions made on a case by case basis. So many people have been supported but I don't have enough in my back pocket to cover for the absolute tragic cases if I don't draw the line and I am quasi charitable/public sector. I never want to be in a position where the CEO refuses to sign of an extension of full pay for a single mother with three children, stage 4 secondaries and who, for the sake of her children, needs to die in service for the life insurance related to pension.

@RosesAndHellebores I know I have support and I have no right to find it hard, but I just am. It's so much harder than I anticipated

From April, you legally won't be able to stop one of your four employees taking neonatal leave in addition to their statutory paternity leave, so you might want to think about contingency planning for your business (and I say that as a farmers daughter so i do understand the complexities of farming). I'm sure an employment tribunal would be significantly more costly for you.

It is NOT right that it happens this way OP. Your husband’s workplace are being beyond unreasonable. This simply wouldn’t happen where I work - it would be offered as compassionate leave. How do your husband’s company expect him to get any work done anyway when he will be worrying about your baby?

Sorry you are going through this OP I am incensed on your behalf

You have very right to find it hard, but you need to lean into the support you have. I might venture that you also need to support your DH and the situation he finds himself in. Regardless of the law in April, there will continue to be roles and professions to which it doesn't easily apply. There is a massive difference in those roles between "my wife needs me" and " the baby's life is in the balance and if they survive there will be life changing disabilities".

Do you want to tell us about the baby? How many weeks, how much do they weigh, why they are in NICU and the likely duration.

@RosesAndHellebores I'm supporting him as much as I physically can.

Baby girl was born last week at 32 weeks, she was born weighing 3 pounds 2 ounces and dipped quite a bit, she's not back up to 3 pounds. She's still got a lot of support with her breathing but they're hoping to move her onto CPAP within the next couple of days

To be fair if we were in that situation we would be very much making it work. Our staff are fabulous and we would all pull together, for him and his wife. I suppose the point I'm making is that all these rights are becoming very very difficult to manage for small businesses. I totally agree with them in principle but the reality of putting them in to practice is really hard for small employers. I'm not sure what the answer is.