I need a handhold - my daughter is in NICU and my husband has been asked to go back to work

[oneofmeiscutebuttwothough]

My baby girl was born a week ago tomorrow and is in the NICU, after she was born at 32 weeks. It's looking as though she'll be here for at least another week, if not two.

My husband's work were amazing for the first week. They said he could take it as paid leave, no need to use annual leave or unpaid leave. He had a call with his line manager this morning and they told him that they expect him back from Monday, or they'll count the last 7 days as part of his paternity leave I know it makes sense for him to save his paternity leave for when baby girl is home, but it's also just heart wrenching. He'll do as much flexible working as he can to be with us at least some of the day, but now I feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot of this alone.

I'm not sleeping properly, leaving her everyday is breaking my heart. I know she's in the best place and I know that him going back to work won't be that big a deal, because my mum and MIL are both able to be with me as much or as little as I want. But I also just want him to myself for a little longer so he can be my rock.

Just after a handhold, I don't want to be told to tell him to sue his work or anything like that because I know in the long run this makes sense. I just feel so lost and upset right now

I think how you feel makes total sense; the support from a partner has a different quality to support from a parent.

There have been tough times when I have just wanted my DH to be there for me; not necessarily to say or do anything, just to be present. Saying that, I do think that sometimes the anticipation of something changing is worse than the reality, so it might be that when he is at work you get into a new rhythm with support from your DM and MIL during the day and DH’s support in the evening; there may even be some benefits to it that you can’t imagine but will realise once it is happening.

You’re doing amazingly; be gentle with yourself and know that it’s okay to feel how you so. I’m really pleased that you (and your daughter) are surrounded by love and support

This is so hard, those first few weeks I didn’t want dh to leave my side I just felt so vulnerable, and I didn’t have a nicu baby. So sorry you’re going through this, as pp say it will be a distant memory, but the days are long and hard right now. Can you make any sort of plan to make it feel a bit nicer, tv shows or podcasts you can download for your pumping schedule, food you enjoy eating or any other ‘rewards’ you can give yourself or goals you can work to with dd like a pretty hat you’ve bought that she might fit into in a week or two, or a favourite book youll buy to read to her for example?

@trallia shared parental can't start for the partner until week three of the mat leave because of the statutory requirement for the mother to have a min of two weeks' mat leave.

Logically @oneofmeiscutebuttwothough if you had a toddler your dh would be looking after them during the day and using a/l.

Hopefully your baby will be home soon.

Congratulations. But sod that! Get him to self certificate as sick for a week and then goto the gp to get signed off.
His work are awful for not allowing more time off.

That might work in some organisations but in others it opens people up to risks. Also it isn't an option for many self employed people or those who only get SSP.

Everyone's right about me being surrounded by support, my FIL struggles with his sleep so he'll often be found lurking online on WhatsApp during the night and sending me funny messages his friends forward to him, and he's always available for a video call if I'm feeling lonely and don't want to wake my husband. My dad is also amazing, he's had his cookbooks out and cooked so much for us.

My husband is amazing too, he's doing everything around the house and doesn't let me lift a finger. I guess I'm just worried that the stress of him leaving and being tired from work, and stressed about baby girl, is going to change things.

He's concerned about taking sick leave, after the comments from his line manager.

OP - congratulations - it gets better!
Honestly, DH got sent on a 10 day trip 5 days after prem child entered the world. It was hard but my parents, in laws were all fab.
When we finally came home - it was beyond scary and I was so glad he had saved all his paternity leave and was there solidly. You can not sit there all day and stare - you need time there and time away as does he.
If he had been sent away when we were home - I think I would have had a meltdown. Honestly, you him and babe together for 2 weeks in your own home learning your routines will be so much better for everyone - even though it does not feel like it right now.

You can take SPL at the same time as each other. Partner would still need to use the paternity leave first, but then the father can be off on SPL at the same time as the mother.

Obviously it shortens the total length of leave, because you still get the same number of weeks to split between you.

We also had DH going back to the office after DS was born at 32 weeks. I know you are feeling so fragile right now, but there is little your DH can do to change that during working hours, and it will be so much more worth it to have him at home with you when your baby gets discharged.
I really recommend seeking out the NICU psychologist - one of the NICU nurses directed me there when she could see I really wasn’t coping, and that started a referral for counselling (I was suffering with PTSD and anxiety).
The prem journey is undoubtedly a tough one, but there are lots of people around to offer support - on top of that it sounds like you have from your relatives.
All the best to you, OP, and I hope DC doesn’t have to stay in too long. Days in NICU can often feel one step forwards, two steps back, but they get there eventually.

Congratulations OP. Is your husband part of a union? I would schedule a call with them or ACAS before the end of the week for some advice. Is there a family liaison at the hospital? They may be well versed in these situations and be able to offer advice. This is the last thing you need right now, I’m sorry you are both having to think about this.
As another PP has mentioned, unpaid parental leave is an option but be mindful that you are only allowed 18 weeks for your child, until your child turns 18 - one week a year essentially (take it how you wish, you just can’t get more).

Congratulations on your baby! My daughter arrived at 31+3 and my husband's work were kind enough to sign him off on paid leave for the first week of her life on NICU. Then we agreed together that as she was stepping down into the nursery/special care, he was to go back to work so we could save his paternity leave for when she was home. It was a good decision (probably!) for us, as we then had a wonderful time when she finally came home and got to be together.
You'll be OK, I promise. It's tough but it gets easier and you'll find your own rhythm for your stay. Hopefully it won't be too long before you are able to take baby home.
Feel free to message me if you'd like! My daughter is now 7 and nicu is a distant memory, it's awful while you're in the thick of it but it will soon seem like a lifetime ago ❤️

My 28 year old twins were born at 33 weeks. They were tiny and not allowed to leave until they were five pounds. It took a couple of weeks. I’m sure your baby girl will be fine. It’s hard to think calmly and rationally when your hormones are running wild and missing the night bus, but she’s in the best place. Hand holding for you.

You might find that once he has gone you manage better than you expect.

Both my two were in NICU for a few weeks - with DS we were a couple of hours from home in a specialist hospital and DH had to go back to work. I remember saying to my sister that the thought of him going and the half an hour or so after he'd gone were awful, but once he'd actually gone and I just had to get on with it, it was fine.

I hope you are all home and together sooner than you think.

I normally hate it when people say things like this, but can you refigure this to appreciating how lucky you are to have two mums with you to support? Some NICU mums would be totally alone in your position (or just have a rubbish mum).

Lean on them both, and when baby is home you and your DH can focus on you and baby, as the mum's will have had their fix and be comfortable leaving you to just be the three of you.

This coming week is not what you want, but you'll be okay. You really will.

Both my kids were in NICU after birth. The first husband took his paternity leave which was wasted while she was there. Then went back to work and left me then home alone when we got home. I had to get my mum to come and stay.
Second time round I sent him back to work the next day. He would come up after work and I’d go home and spend time with our other child. Then we’d switch again. It was tiring, but having babies is. I’m sorry his work are so shit, especially as this new law is almost in effect. But you’ll be ok and he will get to spend the time at home when it counts.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! I hope she is doing well.

I wish you weren't experiencing NICU though. What are the visiting hours like? Will he be able to pick you up on the way home from work and see your little one?

I found it really hard having to leave my twins in NICU and being split between them and my toddler. My husband went back to work, my parents looked after our toddler and I went to the milking shed in NICU. Pumping for twins meant I felt I was constantly hooked up. I found having a good pair of headphones and a subscription to Audible helped. I listened to podcasts and audiobooks whilst pumping. It's really hard when your other half first goes back to work but once he does you may find you get into a routine. Mother Ship: Amazon.co.uk: Segal, Francesca: 9781784742690: Books I listened to this book about a mother's experience in NICU.

I do think you will value support more once you bring your baby home - if you have other people already with you at the hospital. I assume from your post that your baby is in a stable condition. If your baby is very poorly that's a different situation and if I were him I would be speaking to my GP.

As others have said, it's the thought of it that's distressing you. The reality will be fine, I'm sure.

Hormones suck. And you're at peak of the post birth hormone surge right now. You'll be fine.

I’m so sorry OP. The initial time is truly bollocks :( my husband had to go back to work when my 27 weeker was born and the first 2 weeks or so was awful - and I didn’t have anyone with me. I got to know the NICU nurses and find a routine for myself. It was shite. But looking back I found my independence too, if there ever was a silver lining.
I felt for my husband. His shifts meant he only had a window of 30 mins to see DD daily.

Know that his paternity is going to be used when you truly need him more, at home is a different game.

Congratulations on your little one. My youngest was born at 34 weeks with sepsis and a few other issues including breathing so he was on CPAP in NICU for a few weeks.

I'm amazed with how quickly the babies all bounce back from being poorly. But as everyone has said, your baby is in the best place.

My husband waited to take his parental leave until our little one was out of the NICU so he could help at home as he knew our baby was cared for. I had to leave the baby overnight as we also had a 3 year old who was missing mummy dreadfully.
I would spend days taking him to nursery, spending the day in NICU cuddling my dinky one, picking up eldest from nursery and doing dinner, setting my alarm for 3am to express milk in the middle of the night and doing it all again. It was tough but worth it.

It sounds like you have lots of amazing support around you, I know it must be hard not to have your husband with you. But I would spend the precious NICU time cuddling with your gorgeous little one. When you both get home then you can spend time together.

I hope you can all get home soon.

Agree with PP. The thought of it is worse than it actually happening. You will be ok. It's not a nice time, but baby is getting stronger every day, you have your lovely family to support you and soon you will all be home and being a family.

I know I'm so, so lucky. I value my entire family so much. But I just feel so fragile at the thought of him not being there. I know it's just the thought, and I know that I'll be fine. But I'm terrified.

Look. It's only Wednesday night. You have four full days before he's back at work. Don't work yourself up into a frenzy, or you're not going to make the most of the days that he IS with you.

You. Will. Be. Okay. Now breathe and stop reacting as if it's Sunday night!

As sad as it is your parents now you have to do what's necessary

Send your husband back to work & try to look on the bright side for when she gets home

2 people sitting at her bedside won't help her get better faster & having parents who can't cope isn't great for longevity when she's growing up

Take care but don't loose your mind over this

I think you need to think if you need him to use pat leave more now or more when you're at home