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Original poster

I need a handhold - my daughter is in NICU and my husband has been asked to go back to work

179 replies

oneofmeiscutebuttwothough · 29/01/2025 21:19

My baby girl was born a week ago tomorrow and is in the NICU, after she was born at 32 weeks. It's looking as though she'll be here for at least another week, if not two.

My husband's work were amazing for the first week. They said he could take it as paid leave, no need to use annual leave or unpaid leave. He had a call with his line manager this morning and they told him that they expect him back from Monday, or they'll count the last 7 days as part of his paternity leave Sad I know it makes sense for him to save his paternity leave for when baby girl is home, but it's also just heart wrenching. He'll do as much flexible working as he can to be with us at least some of the day, but now I feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot of this alone.

I'm not sleeping properly, leaving her everyday is breaking my heart. I know she's in the best place and I know that him going back to work won't be that big a deal, because my mum and MIL are both able to be with me as much or as little as I want. But I also just want him to myself for a little longer so he can be my rock.

Just after a handhold, I don't want to be told to tell him to sue his work or anything like that because I know in the long run this makes sense. I just feel so lost and upset right now

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 29/01/2025 21:22

Congratulations on your new baby 👶

So sorry she's needing extra care but wonderful you have both mums to support you.

It might help to accept that this isn't your husbands choice, he's going to be hurting at leaving you and his tiny baby, will be worrying about work and he's missing out on his baby when you aren't.

REDB99 · 29/01/2025 21:23

Handhold here. It sounds as if there’s so many people close by for your baby girl, they’ll keep her safe and watch over her. You are right, it is much better that he’ll be at home when she is. It sounds so tough. Hang in there and use all support networks you have, you’ll all be home soon enjoying cuddles x

TrulySpandau3 · 29/01/2025 21:24

Handhold OP. Your precious baby is in the right place. Just take it one day at a time. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling right now.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Fairyvocals · 29/01/2025 21:24

Lots of sympathy, OP - such a stressful time.
To me, it makes sense for him to take
paternity leave at the point when you need him most - and I remember from my DD’s NICU weeks just how lonely and worrying that time was. In your shoes, I’d probably
want him with me now and forgo a bit of the later leave.
I hope your little one is home soon. 💐

Original poster
oneofmeiscutebuttwothough · 29/01/2025 21:24

He's absolutely fuming at being asked to go back. Logically I know it's right that it happens this way but my emotions are all over the place

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 29/01/2025 21:25

Lots of sympathy too from here.

What's his sick leave policy? Could he be signed off with non work related stress for a couple of weeks if needed?

CrispAppleStrudels · 29/01/2025 21:26

From April, the neonatal care and leave bill is coming into effect, which gives all parents the right to additional leave whilst their baby is in neonatal care. Many organisations are already honouring this as it has been a long time coming. Your DH may wish to ask his employer if they would be willing to do the same. Bliss have templates to help him to request. https://www.bliss.org.uk/research-campaigns/our-campaigns/neonatal-care-leave-and-pay

My DH used his entire pat leave whilst our DD was in NICU. He then took extra unpaid leave when she came home. His employer was very understanding. I'm sorry your DH employer isn't the same.

granhands1 · 29/01/2025 21:28

When our daughter was in NICU and DP's paternity leave ran out the GP signed him off with stress for a few weeks, this might be an option for your husband

Nevesleep · 29/01/2025 21:30

Congratulations, and a handhold here. My baby just got of NICU on Friday after being born at 31 weeks . He was in for 4 weeks 5 days .
My partner done the same as your husband had a week of after birth , but ours was stretched a bit more as he we had christmas etc. We had another DS at home , when he was back in work we got into a routine I would do school hours and he would go in after dinner for 3/4 hours of a night . We spent no time together but it worked okay. It's such an awful experience, and anxiety is horrible . I'm still a nervous wreck at home. Having him here for a few weeks now is lovely.

There is a new law that doesn't come in until April , a few of the Dad's i spoke to had been signed of with stress as well x

Lou573 · 29/01/2025 21:30

Hi OP, just solidarity - my daughter was born 12 weeks early and my husband went back to work very quickly so he could save paternity leave for when she came home. This was pre covid so back in the office. There was very little he could do for her when she was in the NNU anyway we felt and he made sure to spend time with her every day after work.

The reality is that he has to go back some time and you'll be much more in need of his support when you don't have the nurses around and baby's waking up every hour through the night.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/01/2025 21:38

This might not be what you want to hear op, but your baby is being cared for in the NICU and you have the support of your MIL and your mother.

Your DH has had a week of compassionate leave. Are you sating that if he doesn't go back on Monday they'll convert the last week to paternity leave or are they saying it will be pat leave from Monday. I suspect the latter.

If they have asked him to go back on Monday or take Paternity leave from Monday, or presumably annual leave or unpaid leave, what is the problem. Your husband has a contract of employment whereby he renders x duties for y money. He gets the money when he does the job.

The baby doesn't need you both at the hospital and you have your mother and MIL for moral support.

I know it's shocking when they need NICU and you are full of hormones but for yours and the baby's future, your DH needs to earn the nappy vouchers. He's had a week of compassionate leave and the other legitimate reasons to be absent from work are: annual leave, agreed unpaid leave, sickness absence, pat leave, potentially parental leave (but there are three other adults and hospital staff to provide care). I think he shoukd go back to work and save leave for when the baby is at home.

Congratulations.

kiwiane · 29/01/2025 21:39

I think he could consider taking sick leave due to stress; he needs to see his GP
and explain what’s going on.

bozzabollix · 29/01/2025 21:41

My daughter is now ten but we had the same scenario. It will become a distant memory soon I promise. Just drag yourself through the next week then she’ll be home and your lives can start properly.

CrispAppleStrudels · 29/01/2025 21:43

RosesAndHellebores · 29/01/2025 21:38

This might not be what you want to hear op, but your baby is being cared for in the NICU and you have the support of your MIL and your mother.

Your DH has had a week of compassionate leave. Are you sating that if he doesn't go back on Monday they'll convert the last week to paternity leave or are they saying it will be pat leave from Monday. I suspect the latter.

If they have asked him to go back on Monday or take Paternity leave from Monday, or presumably annual leave or unpaid leave, what is the problem. Your husband has a contract of employment whereby he renders x duties for y money. He gets the money when he does the job.

The baby doesn't need you both at the hospital and you have your mother and MIL for moral support.

I know it's shocking when they need NICU and you are full of hormones but for yours and the baby's future, your DH needs to earn the nappy vouchers. He's had a week of compassionate leave and the other legitimate reasons to be absent from work are: annual leave, agreed unpaid leave, sickness absence, pat leave, potentially parental leave (but there are three other adults and hospital staff to provide care). I think he shoukd go back to work and save leave for when the baby is at home.

Congratulations.

Luckily, from April the law will disagree with you and ensure that both parents can be with a child in NICU and that parents are paid for the extra leave. It's just a shame it has taken nearly 2 years to implement this law since it was passed, otherwise OP would already be benefiting.

iffffonly · 29/01/2025 21:49

First of all massive congratulations to you and your partner.
It’s a shame that some employers are so shit at times like this but it makes sense that he is around for when your precious baby gets home . The baby and you are being looked after by the NICU staff and you have the support of your Mum and MIL .
Sending you positive happy vibes and you can look forward to all being together at home very soon 🥰💐

SkaneTos · 29/01/2025 21:50

Congratulations on your daughter! I hope she will be able to be home with you soon.

I don't have any advice on the situation with your husband's job, but plenty of advice from previous posters.
Lovely with support from both your mothers.

I wish you and your family all the best!

Meredithwho · 29/01/2025 21:52

Can you speak to his employers about the new law in that comes in in April and see if they’ll honour it? www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cly7vykv17jo.amp

Irvinesv · 29/01/2025 21:53

This happened for us and it was hard but I got into a routine with my hospital days and it was better for him to be off when our baby came out of hospital. Congratulations on your baby.
I have some lovely memories of just sitting with DD next to her incubator or when I was allowed to hold her and it was a lovely bonding experience

Original poster
oneofmeiscutebuttwothough · 29/01/2025 21:54

RosesAndHellebores · 29/01/2025 21:38

This might not be what you want to hear op, but your baby is being cared for in the NICU and you have the support of your MIL and your mother.

Your DH has had a week of compassionate leave. Are you sating that if he doesn't go back on Monday they'll convert the last week to paternity leave or are they saying it will be pat leave from Monday. I suspect the latter.

If they have asked him to go back on Monday or take Paternity leave from Monday, or presumably annual leave or unpaid leave, what is the problem. Your husband has a contract of employment whereby he renders x duties for y money. He gets the money when he does the job.

The baby doesn't need you both at the hospital and you have your mother and MIL for moral support.

I know it's shocking when they need NICU and you are full of hormones but for yours and the baby's future, your DH needs to earn the nappy vouchers. He's had a week of compassionate leave and the other legitimate reasons to be absent from work are: annual leave, agreed unpaid leave, sickness absence, pat leave, potentially parental leave (but there are three other adults and hospital staff to provide care). I think he shoukd go back to work and save leave for when the baby is at home.

Congratulations.

Logically I know this is the case. He has to be at work and it's a waste of time us both being at the hospital.

But emotionally it's so, so tough. Im finding NICU really hard and I'm struggling to sleep, I'm on a pretty strict schedule to pump for her and I just feel so fragile. I adore my mum and MIL, they're amazing. But they're not my husband and the thought of doing this without him during the day has me feeling really anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneofmeiscutebuttwothough · 29/01/2025 21:55

Sadly his work won't honour the changes coming in in April, they've said it's come back or start losing paternity

OP posts:
Cali8 · 29/01/2025 21:56

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this extra stress at a really difficult time.

In a few months time, when you are snuggling your precious girl, hearing her giggle and seeing her smile, the memory of this time will get less raw. In the meantime, you are strong- you’ve got this, and it sounds like you have a fantastic support network. Your baby is one lucky girl to have two parents who love her so much. And congratulations!!

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2025 21:57

Tell your DH to see his GP and get signed off sick.

GoodOlePolariod · 29/01/2025 21:59

Get signed off with stress.
Absolutely no way would my dh return to work, in fact one of the reasons he went self employed was because of issues with time off for dcs.

Trallia · 29/01/2025 22:01

I'm sorry you are in this position. NICU is a really weird and intense bubble, and it's completely understandable that you would want your partner there.

My husbands paternity leave was mostly used up by NICU-time, and we had just a week of annual leave that he took at home, before he went back to work. However, he was able to work from home 3 says a week, so was still around with the baby.

I think your options are

  1. Start his paternity leave
2.Take unpaid parental leave (up to 18 weeks available)
  1. Arrange Shared Parental Leave, and give him some of your maternity leave to take alongside you now or post-NICU
  2. Let him go back to work

This time will all be a distant memory in a few months. As others have said, do make the most of the chance to rest and recover yourself, while others care for the baby.

notatinydancer · 29/01/2025 22:03

Could he have a week unpaid leave ?