My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

Op the only person that can change this situation is you. It isn’t going to fix itself and he isn’t going to change.

Thanks for replying.
Sometimes I think im imagining all this, that its all in my head.

@Multiplicationarithmetic So, what's the plan? Carry on living separate lives under the same roof for another five years until your youngest has left senior school and then initiate divorce proceedings, or set that ball rolling now?

Set ball rolling reluctantly and sadly.

Sister-in-law: I dont understand, he loves you. You dont know how lucky you are.

Me:
I dont feel any emotional support from him and there's no financial transparency.

I wonder how your SIL assesses that he loves you when you don't feel that at all? I suspect she thinks that you're well taken care of financially (even though she doesn't know the actual truth of that situation) and sees this as "love". 🙄

Exactly what you said.
I haven't told them yet.
Tried to talk to my husband again and pushed him to talk.
Still nothing & "I'm working", I said you're always working.
I told him I want answers & im going to start asking others what's going on.

@Multiplicationarithmetic Is your solicitor drafting the divorce papers? I suspect when he receives his copy you'll get a few words out of him!

@AngelicKaty Unfortunately, we have a 2 week 'holiday' booked, leaving in 2 weeks time.
Its to celebrate a major birthday of his sister.
Ive withdrawn from him completely.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

Can I say that until you have got advice and got a good idea of your plans that you don't say anything else to him or your SIL ( assuming she's a SIL on his side) .. because if you start saying I'm doing this or If you don't Ill do that.. then he will be able to put barriers in the way of that. Better to just do.

Also. if you are leaving but need time, its better to keep the atmosphere a bit kinder for yourself and DC.. ie you are disengaging because there's no response when you do.. but just go about your business without making any annoucments etc.

When I heard that he was investing in property but not paying off your own mortgage it made me think that he thinks he's reducing the amount you would get from the sale of the house you live in. Ie interest only on the marital home.. money invested elsewhere. So I do think he may be trying to limit what you can take in a divorce, which is crap for your DC.

How does he get on with your DC. Would he want 50/50? or would he say that to avoid maintenance. It sounds like you have been the main caregiver all through. Your children won't forget that.

Do you want to go on this two week holiday? It can be so pressurised that my may feel you are about to burst.. and surrounded by his relatives... alll arguing his (unworthy) case. Would you be better off not going and working on your plan? Alternatively on holiday he has no excuse to say he's working.. but you would both be under the spotlight.

Whatever your decision is.. this time will pass and eventually you will be through this and on the other side of it. Get all the help and advice from professionals that you can and keep things undercover for the moment with relatives (on his side at least) Best of luck.

Hello Duckbilled.
He'll still work while away, he'll say we cant both go out while the kids are asleep (11 & 17), sleep till 1 am on holiday.

I haven't said anything to in-laws, I was thinking of my response to their likely questions.

I'm still going, I need a change of scene.
I agree with you about not paying off the mortgage cos itll reduce the amount of money I'd get.

The stupid thing is, hes been so busy protecting his money in case of a divorce, that a divorce will be a result of his financial hiding and secretiveness.

I think he thinks im going to inherit from my parents - but it could all go on nursing and care for them.
I need to act sooner rather than later to stop him having a claim on anything I might get in the future - which is a possibility not a certainty.

@Multiplicationarithmetic sorry but you have been moaning on this page since January!!! stop telling him all your plans! he is putting obstacles in your way when you tell him anything! why the hell are you still with him? why have you not got your act together and chucked him out? why are you putting up with this continual shite??? have you got your ducks in a row? if not, why not????? this is now august!

I haven't told him anything.
Ive told him how I feel and I need to get this holiday out of the way before I upset my daughter.
Shes had a tough academic year and she keeps saying how much she needs this break with her cousins.
I had to make sure that we had gone past the point of no return.
I think we have.

Then at least your DC will have a good break.
And if he's busy working through the holiday, you can do your own thing, spend time with the DCs and try to enjoy the break.

Respectfully, if you've gone past the point of no return... there's no point having further discussion with him on feelings etc. Its not the right time. That is the same as telling him your plans.. It won't take much for him to work it out. It sounds like you have a lot of financial info to gather and decisions to make. Do you think he understands what's going on? Discretion is the better part of Valour as they say.

I'd have some non-committal subject changing phrases (and topics you can talk about instead) up your sleeve in case of questions by relatives... they can be very searching. Get them talking. Don't invite sympathy of any kind or they will be onto you. Get some sympathy ( because we all need it) from your friends instead.

I dont know what he thinks, apart from poor him married to ungrateful me, who doesn't lick his boots and run after him with food all day long.

Don’t say “sorry” and then proceed to badger the OP.
Pretty sure she feels bad enough as it is.
Sending love, @Multiplicationarithmetic ❤️

Thanks dream.

I get all the allthemiddle's points.
Only thing I disagree with is chucking him out - i cant do that legally.

Hes told me a few minutes ago that he sees his role as being that of a Bank!
Teenage child has told him he's an idiot.

This has rolled on for nearly a year.

Don’t keep wasting your life like this.

Are you still married ?

I agree and yes, still married till paperworks finalised.

He cant work out why im unhappy - despite me telling him why.

😂 your son is correct

Hope you’re getting your fair share in the divorce!