My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

No way will a debt have been cancelled for the spurious reason he gave. He was informed in writing.

Therapy is a great step too. It’s really hard to see clearly in these situations. And a pragmatic approach is much better if you want solution. Every situation is different but own experience is that it is very unlikely he is telling the full truth. Two reasons - he is hiding from his financial issues which means he currently unable to fully look at the truth himself, never mind communicate it to you. Reason 2 - there seems to have been a lot of animosity around this subject, so it will be difficult for him to be open and honest

it would take a lot of repair to build back enough trust on both sides to get to that point. And will only happen if you are both willing AND able to do the work.

No one should ever assume someone else is control of the finances. It is too vulnerable a position to put yourself in. And it’s also quite a lot of pressure to put on another person…who may not actually have the skills to manage stress it brings.

You may have assumed you were both playing out these assigned roles successfully but now you know that’s not true. That is the reality. If you want to move forward, you need to accept the situation as it really is, not as you assumed or hoped it was. And try if you can, to have compassion for both yourself and your husband. We’re all human. We all mess up and make mistakes. It’s how we handle them that really matters

Get help for yourself from a debt counsellor or debt charity before he ruins yours and your children's lives.

All correspondence was sent to the rental property, not here at home. I know cos im in and out the house all day.

My feeling is: 1 All financial matters revealed to me.

1. Its over. I can't keep trying to make a connection with him.

First 1, then 2.

Im devastated.

The man is a genius

Yes he is quite savvy.

??
Sarcasm?

@Multiplicationarithmetic "So he said he got the debt cancelled cos he was only contacted by post & not email." Sorry OP, but this is nonsense. The creditor may have cancelled any additional charges associated with chasing the debt, if they knew they should have emailed your "D"H the invoice for the service charge rather than send it by post (and to the wrong address), but the money owed for the service charge is still owed as this is a contractual obligation. If your "D"H hasn't provided you with evidence of what amount has been cancelled, I suggest you insist upon seeing it. In fact, if the rental property is in both your names, you could contact the creditor yourself to find out the true position around this debt.

Thanks Angelickaty.
Ive asked him for proof of the cancelled amount cos it cos on our/his credit record.
I understand that the original service charge is.still owing.

Ok, so last 1/2 day of term today.
Youngest goes to secondary in September, which hes very excited for & will go by coach.

Reflecting on the past good few years at Primary school, I can see how miserable and lonely ive been. Ive told him over the years. Not in an angry way, more matter of fact.

Im done, I can't live like this anymore.
I feel that i can let go and tell him I want a divorce.
Im finished and so upset.
I have no energy left.
Supposed to be going away with in-laws for a big family celebration for one of them during August.
I can use this time to finalise my financial info before telling him.
Im broken.

@Multiplicationarithmetic But you can mend yourself OP - and divorcing your husband will be the start of your new life, which holds so much more promise than your current one. Good luck for the future OP - go and grab it! 🤗

Thank you for your encouragement Katy. X

UPDATE: So youngest one has finished primary and I can breathe.
Its the end of one part of life & the start of another.

I can see the big emotional emptiness in my life when the children are out & he's working weekends.

I told him how I feel invisible to him.
Then I was away for a few days with one of the kids.
We've come back & nothing much changed, except for him intending to invest in more property.
He didn't tell me at first, he looked like he was going to be sick when I asked him where he was going. I think cos he knows I want our house mortgage paid off.

Ive never ever felt so low like this before.
Hungry but no appetite, just feeling sick and exhausted.
My counsellors away till September.
Im exhausted and I told him.
No care from him. He's showed me who he is.

Really sorry. You will start to feel better once you decide to take action.

I know. Its like its happening to someone else.
I cant escape what's right in front of me.
Im done and beyond empty.

I told him this isn't monopoly, its real life.

Has he ever gambled - e.g bet on the Grand National, on line casino, blackjack, lottery, etc?

What about investing - does he hold premium bonds or has he ever talked about bitcoin or the stock market?

I'm wondering if he came into some money through some winnings he didn't tell you about.

I dont think he gambles.
Its possible hes used part of his pension as part of a deposit on another rental property without being open with me.

im wondering (sorry if someone else has said this before) if he has other women in these properties that there’s more to it why he keeps wanting to invest. Do you know who the tenants are? Maybe I’ve seen too many stories of double lives and I know you are living this nightmare so I don’t for one second want to minimise what you are going through, but could he have another family to support?

I dont think there's other women.
Theres no emotional support and financial openess from him.

Anyone there?

You ok @Multiplicationarithmetic

Maybe the £122k cave from the profit made from the sale of a previous property that you also didn't know about. It's a ridiculous situation you are in. It's no help you and every man and his dog speculating about what's going on - it makes it very difficult to comment constructively - what you need to do is "do something" about it - do have you worked out what you want to do yet? This isn't a marriage .- you may as well be an illegal immigrant working as a domestic slave - i.e. you're being abused and controlled financially and mentally and you have been made to feel that you have no rights. At some point you are going to have to try and do something aren't you, otherwise it'll be the same situation next week, next month, next year:your choice.

OP it was January when you first discovered this money and 7 months later he's revealed no more of what is going on. You'll drive yourself insane staying put and continually speculating on what is happening. Ask him to leave the family home - after all, he's got other properties, and divorce him. You'll have to employ a forensic accountant like you suggested in your OP as he'll not reveal what's going on. You're waiting for answers that might never present themselves